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Graduation & Birthday……Milestones & Memories

May 23, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Man….this week has been such a roller coaster ride for me….and it’s only half way over!

You see…..last night…I got to watch my son walk across the stage and receive his 6th grade promotion…  What a proud momma I am.  He is such a sweet boy with a wonderful heart.   His last day of 6th grade is today!  Onward and upward! Junior High…..here he comes!  Not sure if this momma’s heart is quite ready for all that!

As he walked out the door just a few moments ago to attend his last day of elementary school….. my heart began skipping beats.  For so many reasons.  This is a milestone in his life! But this is also a huge milestone in my life!

You see….today…..also is the birthday of my oldest son, Cody!  My mind races back, 27 years ago today! It was the last day of school that day as well! I was only a junior in high school….but was on my way to the hospital to deliver my precious bundle of joy.  He was stubborn…and needed some coaxing to enter this world….but at 2:55 pm he made his entrance into this world!  Yes, I’ve been a mom for 27 years today….. but after today….it is the first time in my life I can say I am the mom of a 7th grader.

I am an emotional mess.  I can’t even begin to try to explain all of the places my mind is taking me to right now.  The last day of school for my sweet Bryce…… the birthday of my oldest that never lived to see the day his brother is seeing today……the gradutaion ceremony I attended last night……the night of Cody’s 18th birthday…..which was the same night his friends were walking across the stage for their high school graduation and I was sitting beside his grave, in a heap…and just could not bear to leave. I am so proud and sad all at once.  I am filled with joy for the life I am living now with my son here on earth….yet so full of sorrow for all I missed with my sweet angels in heaven!

What a roller coaster ride.  As my friend told me….. “You better buckle up….it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”  Boy….that’s an understatement!

What I love most….are the memories of both of my boy’s hearts.  Last night, before the graduation….I called Bryce in.  He knew I was gonna cry.  He almost expected it! 🙂    I asked him to sit with me…..and as he did…..all I could do was look into his beautiful eyes.  I couldn’t speak.  Tears just started streaming down my face.  He just looked at me and kind of grinned.  He didn’t get fidgety or upset….he just sat with me.  I told him how much I loved him and how he was growing to be such a fine young man.  He just looked at me and then he took his hand and caressed my cheek and said, “Mom….I love you.  But most of all, I’m proud to be your son.” Well, needless to say that just turned on the water works even more.  He handed me a kleenex. I told him thanks but it was I who was proud.  I told him I thanked God for letting me be his mom.  I thanked him for sending me my rainbow.  I reminded him again what that meant to me, what he meant to me.  He just kept smiling and caressing my face.  He reached over and kissed me and gave me a hug and that was it.  We were off to his graduation and a night of celebrating!

I don’t remember specifically having this same conversation with Cody.  I remember how protective Cody was of me.  I remember how much we just talked and shared with each other.  I remember thinking I could never love another child the same as I did him…until his siblings came along! I remember him telling me his heart hurt and wanting to protect him from it.  I remember his smile…….always brightening my heart every time he flashed it at me!  I remember so much……but it is not enough for me.  Because it was cut short…….I remember not thinking I could go on…..but then I did.

As I sit here…..with tears filling my eyes……and falling down my face…….  I love remembering.  I love that as new memories are made….the old ones can bring me to tears and fill my heart with joy all over again.  I love that as I go through this uncharted territory with my son now…..that the excitement is just as if it would have been with my other children but I know that they are going through it with me in spirit!

I love that I can sit here and close my eyes……and as I do my heart can place my two sons…..Cody and Bryce…..in front of me.  I can imagine both of them sitting in front of me….smiling….back and forth at each other and then back at me….and telling me how much they love me…..and know that I love them back!  I can imagine them, with outstretched hands, caressing each side of my face…..I can almost feel their touch now.  I can hear their words, their excitement, in where my life is now.

All I can ask for as a mom, is to know that my children love me…..know that I love them…..and that they love our God.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I close my eyes and feel both of them touching my face and telling me they love me, that those words are true and their touch is real.

So, today I choose to celebrate two of my sons.  Cody, I thank you for making me a mom.  For 27 years I have been your mom and it has been an honor.  I wish I could hug you and have seen you grow into a man…..but I know in my heart that my hugs are felt by you even now.  I can still see your smile….and I thank you, that when I close my eyes, you are there. You will always….ALWAYS….have a very special place in my heart that can never ever be taken from you. I can’t wait to see you again…..and get all the smiles and hugs from you for eternity!  That is what keeps me going!

And to my sweet son Bryce…..thank you for coming into my life.  Like a rainbow you’ve shown me God’s promises and goodness and faithfulness.  By watching you…..I’m so often reminded how life can go on and be so good….even after so many storms!  Your smile and hugs make life so worth sticking around!  We are both in uncharted territory……junior high!  But I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to steer through this with you!  You brighten my days and give my heart such hope!  The spot in my heart you hold is filled with such joy and color just because of you!  Thank you for letting me be your mom!

Last but certainly not least….I want to thank you God.  You have given me five beautiful children to love on this earth.  My two boys, Cody and Bryce, have each taught me so much about life and love.  I thank you for choosing me to be their mom. Although I don’t understand all of Your ways, I trust that they are perfect.  I know that while some of my kiddos are with you now, my two that are still here with me, are still really yours.  I just ask that you continue to strengthen me.  But today…..I just want to crawl in your lap and say thank you.  Thanks for understanding my roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks for loving me through all of these joys and sorrows.  Thanks for continuing to bless me.  Mostly today….thanks for these two wonderful sons!

Onward…..and upward!   ~c

 

 

 

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Broken….

May 9, 2012 by Cheli Porter

It has been a while since I’ve posted….  I’ve been “busy”….very busy!!  It seems as if my husband and I were just “touching base” sometimes…and other times…we were barely even doing that!!!

Well….about two and a half weeks ago my “busy” life….got turned upside down.  I had a training for work about 30 minutes away from home.  I took the kids to school, talked to some of the wonderful ladies in the office and then took to the road to get there in time! While in the car my mind was racing forward to the weekend (this was a Friday morning) and how we were going to accomplish everything that needed to be done.

I reflected on my morning……and remembered telling my husband how tired I was….and how I thought I could sleep through a whole day….IF I could have NO interruptions!  Now….before I go ANY further…..can I just get an AMEN from all the moms and dads out there who TOTALLY get what I’m talking about!  I know I am not the only one who has a busy life…and feel like I’m juggling so many hats and trying to make it all work!!!

Well….back to my morning….  I made it to my destination….with ten minutes to spare before the meeting began.  A friend was in the car in the parking lot right next to me….she motioned me to go on in and pointed to her phone.  I got it….she had some important thing to do and didn’t want me to wait!  I totally got it!  So I took off across the grassy hill in the parking lot.  Well…..

As I went to step off the curb, my left foot wavered in the grass and as my right foot went off the curb….it totally bent in a way it was never meant to bend!  I heard a snap and was down on the ground!  The pain was searing through my body and I started to feel flush immediately!  I looked and nobody was around.  I remember laying back onto the grass and just hollering for someone to help.

I remember others arriving and helping me.  Two of the men carried me inside.  I barely remember from there…all I know is I was surrounded by wonderful people who wanted to take care of me.  One friend called my husband, who was working three hours away……and he was worried!!!  They were able to carry me….after a while…to the back of one of their trucks and take me to the hospital.  I was taken back almost immediately.  By now I had my wits about me again….and knew that I had broken something.  I was NOT happy.  I laid in the bed praying…..I don’t know what.  Just praying.  I couldn’t believe it.  I had never broken anything like this.  A toe…..yes.  But nothing like this.  This couldn’t be happening.

My friend and family appeared and when they came back to tell me the results…..”it looks like it won’t need surgery…but you’ll have to follow-up with an orthopedic to be sure.”  SERIOUSLY??? This can’t be happening! I did not have time for this!  But…I loaded into my dad’s vehicle with crutches and make-shift cast and headed home.

Now….I didn’t learn anything immediately……because my girlfriend stuck around to do a few things for me.  First she helped me eat and take some pain meds.  She kept coming into the room and asking why I wasn’t asleep yet!  She kept telling me I needed to rest!  But instead….I was on my laptop and phone working……setting up appointments and things for that day!  I was working!!!! on pain meds!!!!

Now…when I finally went to the doctor a few days later…he tells me…”There is an ABC scale to this type of break.  You have a B……and most Bs require surgery.  I’m going to have you come back in a week before I make that decision though.  If it doesn’t move any more….no surgery.”  I had a CHANCE!!  No surgery is what I began praying for and what I had everyone praying for as well!!!!

I was good. I stayed off of my foot and used my crutches always!  Then….a few days later…one of my big dogs was spooked and went between me and my crutch!  I was mid-stride.  My “good foot” went straight into a corner and I had to put a half second’s worth of weight on my broken ankle!  Not only was I completely freaked out thinking I had just blown my chances of no surgery…..but I also broke two toes on my “good” foot!  Seriously God??!!!  I get it!  I will be good…..I just had some trouble believing I wasn’t going to have to have surgery.

Well…I went back to the doctor the next week.  I went back for my x-ray and then into my room to wait for the doctor’s decision.  I was laying on the bed waiting and praying.  This time…I started to bargain with God….. “Okay God….if I don’t have to have surgery…I’ll use this down time for you….”  I’ll explain more in a second. Well, the doctor came in and said there had been no new movement and he didn’t think I had to have surgery!  I was elated!  All I could think was….”PRAISE GOD!!”  He said no driving and no weight-bearing on it for the next month…then come back and we will reevaluate!!

I couldn’t believe it!  I literally knew it was all God.  I knew He had done this.  Everyone kept telling me this was His way of slowing me down….and giving me time to do what He had told me to do…but I really didn’t want to see it that way!  But now….I knew.  I knew what I was supposed to do.  It hasn’t been easy….but I am definitely starting to “learn my lesson”!!!

It made me remember what a friend of mine used to tell our youth group. “You better get on your knees before God….because if you don’t, He’ll take a 2 x 4 and KNOCK you to your knees!!”  This is how I feel.  Not that I don’t have a love or a faith for my God.  But it seems like my enemy….if he couldn’t budge my faith or my love……what he could do was make me busy!!  Too busy to do what God was asking.

At the same time of my injury my pastor was starting a series about Soul Detox.  He addressed this very thing!  Not a coincidence at all.  He talked about how we are so overwhelmed….in our souls!!  Our enemy can’t always make us bad…so he makes us busy!  I could see that this is just what was happening to me!

You see…..for the past 15 years….through the most difficult and even joyful events since I’ve lost my boys…..I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m still here.  The night they died….instead of asking God, “Why me?”……I asked him why it WASN’T me that He took!!!  I have been searching….for the reason I am still here.

During this time…He has blessed me with another family…with wonderful friends and a new life that is more grounded in Him than I have ever had.  I have come to realize that sharing my part in His story gives hope to others.  Hope that they too……can have joy and blessings after the storms..  Hope that the rainbow will show up in their lives just as it did in mine!!  Hope that if they know my Jesus….that they have my strength…because it wasn’t me that got through this….it was Him carrying me!

Now…back to that prayer I told you about in the doctor’s office.  What I specifically told God…..was that if I didn’t have to have surgery….I would do what I know He has been telling me to for months now……  to finally write my book.  You see, He has finally given me the peace….the words….and the knowledge that I am supposed to continue this ministry…and a book is my next step.  But I, in all my busyness, just couldn’t seem to find time to carve out of my “busy life” to do what He was asking.  But now…..He has continued to bless me while slowing me down….and given me the quiet time….to write.

So now, I am resting in Him.  I am still.  I can’t tell you the number of tears I have shed during this stillness.  Our pastor asked us to be still and while we were still to not spend time anticipating what was to come…..but instead to reflect on all God has already brought us through.  As I’ve been alone with Him…..the tears have flowed in utter amazement. I feel so unworthy.  I feel so loved.  I feel like I have the King on my side….fighting for me…..blessing me.  I have not had this kind of peace in a long time…..if ever. It’s as if the chains have been broken…..

It has taken me a few weeks to “get here”…but I am here.  I am still….and ready to conquer….”the next chapter”.

I covet your prayers.  I want this to glorify Him and give hope to many.  It will be a difficult task.   But momma said…..if it is worth doing….it will probably be hard!

Let me challenge you to be still…..and listen for Him to tell you what He wants your next chapter to be!  I’d love to hear….and pray for you!

I’m off to write!…..  All my love, ~c

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Answers to some tough questions……

March 14, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Today there was another family that left this earth all because one of them decided he could no longer live.  He took the life of his child and wife….then his own. I didn’t even know until a friend called and said another friend texted her to see if I was okay.  I love that people care so much and think and worry about me.  I don’t watch the news……  but eventually I do hear about these things.  Yes….it seems these things are happening more frequently.  It is happening more around us.  I. hate. it.

This morning I received a request from a friend asking how she should answer the questions of her children of what is happening…..and what people are thinking when they do these things……  She asked me to help her with her words to help her children.  At first…I didn’t intend on turning this into a blog.  But tonight…after hearing that another family has died…  I decided I should put this out there again.  So here is my reply to my friend…to try to help her with her children’s questions.

First….let them know that not everyone is bad.  Let them know that God created us all and there is potential for good in everyone.  No matter what they have done…there is not one heart that can not be touched by God…IF we choose to let Him. You see…..God created us all with free will…He gave each of us the choice of choosing good or bad.  It wouldn’t be true love or truly good if we were all like robots and did everything He commanded just like a robot.  Just like knowing someone loves you because they CHOOSE to is so much more special than if they HAD to love you. So with this free choice….we all have the choice and some choose bad things.  Some are little bad things….but some are really big.  To GOD…they are all big and separate us from Him.  That is why he sent Jesus.  That was our gift from God.  But just like any gift….you have to CHOOSE to accept it.  And some don’t.  (I wrote a blog kind of like this…Redeeming your coupon!  I think last Sept or Oct).  There are some people though…that do make the choice to do good….but so much happens they just get so bogged down in what my sweet daughter calls “STINKIN THINKIN”.  This kind of thinking is always negative.  They take their eyes off of God and His purpose and look at what they want, or what they aren’t getting….or about how unfair or difficult their life is…..and they either feel extremely desperately mad…….and do something to harm others…..or so desperately sad…..they harm themselves.  They don’t let the strength of God carry them through.

It is like a storm.  There is ALWAYS sunshine….the sun NEVER stops shining..  But when severe thunderstorms come….we can’t SEE or even FEEL the sun any more.  It doesn’t mean that it has disappeared or even lost its warmth….all it means is the clouds are in between and blocking our view.  We must have faith…..that the sun will return.  We must sometimes have some rain …. in order to appreciate the warmth of the sun.  It is the same when things are bad.  In the midst of bad times….  some times we lose sight that the bad times, like the storms, won’t last forever and we become desperate. As for what these people think or are thinking when they do such things….this is what I tell my children….and everyone.  We don’t want to know what they are thinking.  Because if we knew what they were thinking or understood…that means that we could think like them….and we don’t EVER want to be able to understand or think like that.  So that is a question I will never be able to answer. Just reassure them that there is good in the world.  The bad does seem to outweigh it some times…but it is all a matter of perspective.  Choosing is huge.  There is power in choices. No person, thing or situation can EVER have power over you ……unless you GIVE IT power over you.  That is YOUR choice.  Empower your children to choose.  Let them know everything is within their grasp if they make the choice!!!

Just choose to show them a path that is full of choices that lead to good.  ANd no matter how many bad choices you make….you can, at any time, make the CHOICE to turn around and go back to good choices again.

I hope this helps.  I know it is hard to show our children some of the bad things in this world.  We would rather put them in a bubble and not let them experience the bad.  But this is not the world we live in.  It is not the world they are growing up in.  And unfortunately, this is not the world they will inherit.  But when they are older and everything around them seems difficult, if we have empowered them with choices……they can choose to be positive in any situation.  And if we have taught them to have faith and rely on GOD…..they will know that the Son is always shining on the other side of the clouds…and the storm will pass….and on the other side of it….there is so much happiness and joy…..and they will be stronger than they ever imagined!!!

I hope this helps a little!  Can I tell you how badly I HATE even the fact we have to be asking how to share these things with our children!!  HATE IT!!!!

But I love each of you.  May you choose happiness and joy and allow His blessings to be revealed to you in EVERY situation!!   ~c

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What if…..???

March 11, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Do you do this?  Do you play the “What if?” game?  Do you beat yourself up over maybe a different outcome in any particular situation by asking yourself “What if?” questions?

Hmmmm.  I have done this too.  I am guilty of playing this game in my mind.  But I am curious how you end this game. I mean, do you agree that if you had just done something differently, or maybe made a different decision, would things really be that different or that much better?

I’m just curious….because tonight at church….the pastor was speaking on finding favor with God.

Why, you ask, might this lead me to wondering if anyone has played the “What if?” game…..?  Well, let me share a few tidbits and you will understand.

He spoke about how we can walk in God’s favor at all times.  He also explained that being in God’s favor doesn’t mean an easy, care free, wonderful life (sounds a little like my last post!), but instead….it is a life knowing that He has designed us with a purpose….and He is constantly with us!

I have a girlfriend….and no matter where she is in life…if you ask her how she is…her answer is ALWAYS, “Blessed and highly favored!”.  I have come to expect her to say this…always.  And I love it!  I want to think like that.  But I thought, before tonight, that it meant that everything in your life had to be going so well, or just right.  Tonight I learned that is not God’s favor being upon you…that is you looking for God to do you a favor!!  Can I get an…AMEN!!!

Thankfully, this is NOT what walking in the Favor Of God is all about! The pastor calls it….walking in the FOG!  I love it and can’t wait to go back next week to learn more about it!

Well, the part that made me think about the “What if?” game is this….. At the beginning when he talked about finding favor with God…he asked who wanted that….and EVERYONE raised their hands.  Of course!  This is what ALL of us want!  But as he finished up his lesson…..he shared a scripture….with an insight that many never think of when this scripture is read…….

The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”                        Luke 1:28

This is when the angel arrived to Mary to tell her she had been chosen to birth the Messiah!  Like me, you probably think that she had sooooo much faith….or that she was just soooooo good….and God must’ve really loved her the most to give her this great honor.  But at the end of the lesson…our pastor put this in a different light for me.

He said that we see this as a blessing….. she was “blessed and highly favored!  And the Lord was WITH her!  But we also know the rest of the story.  So……what if the angel had said instead, “Greetings, you who are highly favored!  The Lord is with you!  He has chosen you to birth the messiah.  This will seem, to all outsiders to be conception out-of-wedlock, you must suffer for that…as well as have the child in a barn.  And although this child will be perfect….and live a sinless life….. you must watch him be mocked, and ridiculed…..then beaten and put to death on a criminal’s cross!

The pastor asked us again…….”Now…how many of you are still willing to raise your hands and say you want to be HIGHLY FAVORED??????  Seems a little different now.”

And it did.  For me, this is when I thought about the what if game. This is when I considered…….

What if God told us the ENTIRE plan before we embarked on a journey?  Would you still do it?  Would you be willing to take the bad along with the good of the situation?

What if being “highly favored” means walking through some very tough and dark times?  Would it be enough to know that “the Lord is with us” even then?

For me, it made me feel better.  I know…..kind of a weird reaction to the whole lesson.  But for me….after everything I have been through…..it totally confirmed that even though my life isn’t easy or even all great all the time…..I AM BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED! 

And you know what else?  I always have been.

I am SO thankful that even though HE knows the outcome of every situation……He doesn’t let me know.  I hate to admit….but I don’t think I could accept knowing everything …. how hard some of it might be.  I would want to think I’d be strong enough…..brave enough to take on what He intends for my life…even if I knew it all…..but in reality…I just don’t think that is what would happen.

So now, my what if game goes like this….and believe me….I am asked some of these A LOT!

Q. – What if I hadn’t gotten pregnant at sixteen…married and then my first child at seventeen?  A. – Then I wouldn’t have had my precious Cody…or then my adorable Cory….and then maybe not have gone to church and met my best friend who then led me to a relationship with Christ.  And then….my sweet Caleb never would have been a part of my life too.

A. – cont’d……  and I wouldn’t have made the relationships…..friendships….had awesome experiences……in my life.

Q. – What if the boys hadn’t died?   A. – Well…..then I might not have married my sweet husband, had two more beautiful children…..made the friends I have now…. or have the ministry that God has given me in the aftermath of this tragedy.

How can you play what if?????  All that has happened…has made me who I am today!  All that I have gone through…..has led me to this moment of feeling blessed and highly favored!!!!   All of it….good and bad….were a part of His purpose for my life!!!

And ….. now I believe…..with all my heart…..  if it was good enough for Mary….it is definitely good enough for me!

Thank you Lord, for writing my part in Your story one word at a time.  For, if I knew at the top of the page, what would happen at the end of the page…….well…. let’s just say I’d never have considered myself strong enough to endure.  But, now I know, being highly favored simply means…….YOU have been with me….EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!

The pastor described it like this……The Favor Of God is…  The guarantee of His presence and the provision of His power to accomplish His special purpose in and through my life!

WOW!  I love being blessed and highly favored!!!!

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This past week….a small rant!

March 4, 2012 by Cheli Porter

This past week…I thought…was supposed to be better.  Monday was my day off and to be honest…I was spent. The not sleeping and emotions of the previous two weeks had caught up to me.  I spent a lot of the day in bed….just trying to rest my body and my mind.

But on this day….there were two new tragedies in the world that resonated with me.  One, was the school shootings in Ohio. The other, was much closer to home, on many accounts.  Here, where I live, there had been another family shattered by a double murder/suicide. A young couple….not even 30 yet…and their one year old daughter were all gone…….

I want to SCREAM!!!!  This is ridiculous! This should NOT keep happening!!  This is NOT OKAY!!!!!

When, did we begin to think that if everything doesn’t go our way………….well, then I’ll just kill myself…AND those around me????  WHEN?  What is happening here??

I really want to tell these people those babies are not “yours”.  They are not possessions you can take with you.  Just because things aren’t good here on this earth for you….  does NOT mean you can take these children with you.  Children are NOT possessions!

They are gifts.

Gifts from God to have for a little while.  There are no promises they will be here until after we are gone. We aren’t promised a tomorrow with anyone here on this earth.  Only He knows how longs these gifts will last.  Only He knows if these gifts will outlive us and live a long life.

These gifts are not possessions.  Just as you can’t take possessions with you when you die….not the clothes on your back …. or the car in your garage.  You also can’t….and definitely don’t have the RIGHT….to choose to take these children with you if you choose to kill yourself!!!

Less than two weeks after my children died…..I received a call from my ex-husband’s great-grandmother.  Great Gran told me that she had no idea that we had marital problems.  She was so sad to see me not come around any more.  She didn’t know what happened…..and said she really didn’t care.  She said she did have one question though.  So….I waited.  She said, “Cheli, why didn’t he just do this to himself and just leave those boys alone?”.  How I wish I had an answer for her.  I just cried.  She got it.  It didn’t matter what had happened…..if this was his choice…..he only should have chosen this for himself….not anyone else.

Let me say…..I KNOW that this is not how everyone thinks.  But what I am most bothered about is that not only is it happening more and more around us….. It seems as if people are almost not shocked when it happens.  There are more comments about someone in the public eye passing away (of natural causes) than that of innocent children being violently taken from this world!!!  There is something wrong with this picture!

My heart breaks for the families that are left to deal with these tragedies.  For all involved…there is no resolve.  There really is no way they can begin to understand WHY this has happened.  There is no way to comprehend just what was going through these people’s minds that made them feel so hopeless…..or so much hate….or so much rage….or despair.  We will just never know.

Why?

Why would something like this happen?

Why would God allow this?

If you are looking for these answers….I’m not sure if I can help you.

I don’t, specifically, know why.  But I do know this……

Just as I’ve told my children and other friends…..  We don’t ever want to truly understand why….. or what they were thinking when they committed these crimes.  The media wants to delve in and find out all this information…..I say leave it be.  Here is my thinking.  If we understand what they were thinking and why they did it….then on some level…that means we could think like them…..and we don’t ever want to be able to do that!  I want it to remain unfathomable to me how someone could take the life of another human being……especially that of a child.  I want it to be a shock when I hear of a tragedy like this…because I don’t ever want to understand how this could happen.

And…I also know this.  That I may not ever understand WHY God allows these things to happen.  I know, in the past fifteen years, I have seen such blessings that have occurred from something very directly, or even indirectly, related to my children’s deaths.  This is difficult.  But also a blessing to me.

I also know that in the bible….I have never been able to find where He has promised me a “Very full of everything wonderful and nothing difficult, always smiling because everything is perfect life”.  Nope.  Not anywhere did I find this.  I find so many places that share that I should rejoice in my sufferings and give thanks for trials.  Hmmmm….sounds to me like He knew life wouldn’t be easy.

You see, if you believe that God is an all-knowing, omnipotent God………then you have to belive that before He even gifted me with my boys…..He not only knew the day they would be born….AND …..the day they would die.  He also knew how they would die.

I also know God will use their story for HIS good.   He will use their lives for His glory.  I thought, for some time that……when I do enter His kingdom and get to see Him on His throne….I can finally ask him just that…..      WHY????????

But you know what?  The longer I continue to live……and the more I yearn to be there….the more I realize………….

By the time I get there……it really isn’t going to matter any more.  The “Why did this happen?” will no longer be important to me. Because, I will be there.  I will be with my Lord…..AND my children.  So……if it isn’t going to matter then…….WHY should it concern me now?  For now…I’ll just continue to live my life……..trying to find the purpose of WHY…..I am still here.

Maybe it is to share their story.  To offer hope to others………. Whatever it is…….I’m here…..

❤ ~c

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New memories!!!…..

February 28, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Last night I was able to create a brand. new. memory…one for the record books!  AND it just about made me puke!!!

So…… it all started last Wednesday when my sweet son brought home this.

 

Now…he knew this was already a hard day for me.  He had been up at 3:30 am and told me how sorry he was for this day and how much he loved me! (insert proud mom smile and heavy sigh!  Awwww..;)….) But little did he know…the above manilla envelope would basically….throw me into a tail spin!!

I saw it.  I looked at it. Then, I did what any mom would do….. I threw it on the table and refused to open it!  I mean, seriously!  Do these people not understand that I am just trying to make it through the day….week!!!??!!  NO…they send me this…and expect me to fill it out too!!

So, as any great parent would do….I didn’t read it…until Sunday night!  I sat down, with my baby by my side, and we read the entire packet for his 7th grade (that is JUNIOR HIGH) enrollment!  We read through every paper (and there were lots of them!) and discussed it all.  He decided to take all pre-AP classes and a block course that has a tasting of all electives.  There. Done mom.

What?  Excuse me?  It is not that easy. This is my baby boy.  This is not supposed to be happening!!!

I know there are many of you….that have experienced this.  AND I know you’ve lived to tell about it!  Well………I’m still not convinced! 🙂

All kidding aside…for now…..it was a very momentous occasion.  We went to the school.  I have not set foot in that school since I had to pick up my baby sister once when she was sick! (and that was quite some time ago)  I sat in a desk in one of the class rooms and kind of glazed over as she went through the packet and all they would be going through. She talked about lockers..and books…and stuff that elementary kids just don’t experience!

Wait a minute!  Where did the time go? How did we get here?  I know this didn’t just happen….but it did.  It hit me like a ton of bricks…like a train that came out of nowhere!  Actually….it didn’t.  I knew this day was coming.  I knew this was going to happen.  He is growing up.  He is becoming more independent.  He is changing……..

I want to scream…..STOP!  Don’t do it!  Don’t grow up!  But then…..I want to encourage him…..  To become MORE than he can imagine….to do MORE than he ever thought he could!  He has such a sweet heart and I can only imagine all that God has planned for him!  I am so excited to get to be a part of his life!

So, even though this is a milestone I never was able to walk through with his brothers….I am THANKING GOD for giving me the opportunity to walk through it with him.  I can’t believe I got to be a mommy again….I can’t believe He chose me to be Bryce’s mom!  I am the luckiest person on this earth.

 There is a huge reason I call Bryce my rainbow.  Because on nights like last night….as I walk through new memories….with butterflies in my stomach…..He again reminds me that He is with me and He will carry me through ANYthing…..

even Junior High!!!

God…grant me strength! 🙂

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Collections…..what are yours??

February 25, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Do you consider yourself to be a collector?  I have been.  I kinda still am.  I don’t avidly collect any more.  But I do have certain things I am drawn to.

A long time ago….I used to collect teddy bears. I collected stuffed bears, bear figurines, pictures of bears….just about any kind of bear you can imagine (as long as it was cute) was the kind of bear I wanted to have.  I loved that they were so cute, so cuddly.  To me they represented innocence.  They represented a certain child like quality that I just adored.

I had quite a lot of bears. One particular kind I liked were the Cherished Teddies collection.  I would drool over the masses of them.  When new ones would come out…I would want it so badly.  I had a box full of the empty boxes in my attic because I remembered hearing they would be more valuable if you had the original boxes!  So I guess you could say….along with my teddy bear collection….I had amassed a collection of boxes to go with them!!

But then….I remember in 1995, after the Oklahoma City bombing….watching the public funeral service.  At this service, each family member there….mourning the loss of their loved one, was given a teddy bear.  The bears were light in color and seemed to have a print ribbon around its neck.  They were soft and cuddly…yes.  I guess someone thought it would be something they could hold on to as they grieved the horrific loss of their loved one.

All of a sudden….I realized….that was one type of bear…I NEVER wanted to have in my collection.  For every bear ….represented the life of a lost loved one.

As I watched these families….with broken hearts…clinging to these bears…I knew….I really didn’t want to collect things any more….. because these things…could never truly represent….the lives..of the loved ones lost.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”                                         Romans 6:19-21

The bible tells us not to amass our treasure here on earth.  Don’t let losing a loved one be the wake up call you need to understand that relationships, the love of people, showing the love of our Lord to others……that is what we need to treasure!!!  Those are the “things” we should collect.

The reason I am sharing this today is because….15 years ago today….I laid my children to rest.  We had the funeral and graveside services.

At the funeral….there were displays of some of each of the boys favorite “things”.  Their favorite stuffed animals…..their sports equipment…..their blankies….all STUFF that they couldn’t take with them!

The memory of the bears I never wanted to have in my collection is very close to my heart for a very specific reason…..  Allow me to share a story that happened at the graveside…after the service was over.

You see, one of Cory’s friends…..had stood off to the side waiting for an opportunity to come and speak to me.  There had been a line of family and friends who stayed after the service to come and give me a hug….to offer a prayer or words of encouragement.  After all of them had gone through…this sweet little fourth grader came up to me.  I was sitting in a chair …. and I remember he had a cast on his arm.  He was having a bit of a difficult time because of the cast.  His arms were full and when he approached me he opened his arms so that what he was carrying would fall into my lap.  As I looked down…..to my amazement…..guess what I saw……

3 Teddy Bear Angels!!!!!

He had no way of knowing I had a teddy bear collection…or my feelings about the bears for the families of the bombing victims.  I later found out he had told his mom he wanted to get me something and “he would know what it was when he found it”! She had taken him to Cracker Barrel and he found these bears.  She only had enough money to pay for one….but he insisted on three.  He shared his story with the manager…..who graciously donated the other two bears. He wanted to make sure I had three bears to represent my three boys.

After he gave me these bears he just hugged me.  I held on to him pretty tightly myself.  After our embrace he lingered and I could tell he wanted to say something. I was totally unprepared for what would come out of his mouth and what was weighing so heavily on his heart.

“Miss Cheli….  My mom and dad are getting a divorce……

Is my Daddy gonna kill me too?”

Oh. my. goodness.   I grabbed him and held him and cried tears of sorrow.  I tried to reassure him that both of his parents loved him and that this wouldn’t happen to him.  I cried angry tears because no child should have to worry about that!!!  I cried tears of sorrow…because I honestly didn’t have the assurance behind my words that I would have had just a week before this. I just held him until he seemed to be okay.  I thanked him for the bears and told him he would be okay.  To talk to his mommy and to ask God to help him.  I told him he had a friend who was an angel to watch over him now and he could talk to him when he needed to as well!

As he walked off and I was left there…with three white caskets in front of me…..I realized that our treasure really is in heaven.  As precious as those little teddy angels are…they can never replace….not even close…..the angels who are in heaven now.

So hold your babies…..call your loved ones….let your guard down and allow yourself to be real with the people you love.  We truly aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow with them.  You can have “stuff”….but you can’t take it with you.  When your loved ones are gone….there is no “thing” that can ever replace them.

In case you are wondering….yes…I do still have those teddy angels.  For the past 15 years…they have enjoyed a prominent place on my bed…daily reminders.

Some days….when I see them….. I think of my boys…..  But other days…I am reminded of the love of others….almost strangers….and the simple fact that one small act of kindness….can create a life time memory.  So thank you….for my bears.

Blessings to you all…..and angel hugs today! ~c

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The Second Worst Day of my life….then came choices.

February 23, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Every one knows that the worst day of my life was February 22, 1997.  Even the last Oprah show I appeared on was titled just that, “The Worst Day of Your Life”.   But most people don’t know that I truly consider 15 years ago today, February 23, 1997 the second worst day of my life.

Allow me to explain.  After the worst and longest day of my life….I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.  The next morning, when I awoke, that was when it hit me…..like a ton of bricks….that this was REAL.  Waking up to the reality that everything I had experienced the day before…wasn’t just a bad dream…..was the second worst realization I had.  Realizing that I would wake up every day …. for the rest of my life to this new reality…..was what made it the second worst day of my life.

I remember screaming….again…and having a huge break down.  To the point that I was finding it hard to breathe again.  I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.  It was as if I was reliving it all over again…every painful moment.

It is kind of funny how my memory works now.  I can replay the 4 days before the boys died…where we were….what we ate…and conversations we had.  But the days after….are a blur.  There are some very clear moments…..but for the most part….I don’t have a lot of specific memories.  I do remember people coming to mom and dad’s house, where I was staying.  I remember the kiddos….and going to the school to reassure the parents the funeral would be as “kid friendly” as possible.  I remember the many tender cards and sweet notes from everyone…I still have every single one of them.

But after that day….I chose to do it over and over again.  Some days were harder than others….they still are.  But the third day…I didn’t have the terrible realization terror like before.  The fourth day….was the funeral.  Then from there….life just started happening again.

I just made the choice to keep going.  To search for the purpose in each day.  Sometimes it was the purpose in just that moment….but I chose to keep seeking it out.

I didn’t get to choose this new reality….but I DID get to choose how I reacted.  To go on…… or not.  To get up every day……or not.  To look to my heavenly Father to hold me…..or not.  To pull the covers over my head……or get out of bed and face life head on…..  Each choice was mine.  I chose….  to not let this define my life.

How? you might ask.

I chose to make sure that the funeral service was a celebration of the life of my boys……because I wanted them to be remembered for the lives they lived….not they way in which they died.

I chose to keep going…..because I felt if those kids that were they boys’ friends could see me going on….they’d know it was okay for them to go on as well.

I chose to continue to live….becuase I was left here….so I knew I must still have a purpose here on earth.

Every choice I made wasn’t right and every choice I made wasn’t easy.  But they were my choices.  We all have that…..we all have choices.

There is power in knowing this very thing.  There is power in being able to choose.  It is part of God’s great design.  He has given us power…in choosing…

“then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve,” Joshua 24:15

We even have to choice of serving God…or serving ourselves.

So….while small choices…like getting out of bed when you would rather pull the covers over your head and wish the world would just go away….may seem like such small, insignificant things.  It is a choice.

Small choices can lead to greater choices.  What seems insignificant now….you might look back and realize that small choice was the catalyst for something great.

So, while this date….15 years ago…..I consider the second worst day of my life….I also have to look back and realize it is also the day I started taking very small steps…and making my own choices in my new life.  Some better than others…. 🙂

But each was my choice to make.  I chose to take that power and continue to live….continue to dream….continue to smile.

I hope that this gives everyone hope.  Hope that when you wake up….it is always the first day of the rest of your life.  YOU choose how it will go….and if you aren’t able to choose everything that has happened to you…..you ARE able to choose how you will react to it.

Many blessings to you all…..and thank you for all the sweet words and prayers to help me through these past fifteen years!

~c

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Remembering…15 years ago…with hope…

February 22, 2012 by Cheli Porter

My sweet babies!!

 I can’t even believe that it has been 15 years since my babies were here.  I can’t believe I have lived so much more life since they left this earth than they were able to spend here with me.  I can’t even put into words how much my heart hurts right now….and always.  I can’t describe the pain and hurt I feel…..the aching to be with them.  Just to hug them….one. more. time.

I remember that morning….

5:15

That is what the clock read when I picked up the phone.  I still have a difficult time looking at clocks when they read this time.  This is the time I knew something was wrong….but I just didn’t know yet exactly what that was.  I spent the next hour….making calls….praying…trying to figure out….because I knew that something just. wasn’t. right.

6:15

This is when my dad called us back.  I remember watching my sister’s face to see if I could see anything in her expression to let me know what was going on.  Then as she handed the phone to me….I remember Daddy saying, “Cheli, the police just came and the boys are gone.”  And then I remember, with the hope of a mommy who loves her babies so much….thinking….and saying, “Oh good……do they think….they know….where he took them?”.  It was then that dad had to tell me the whole truth.  It was then…..I raged….and then fell.  It is the next little while…I don’t remember feeling…or much of anything.  I don’t remember getting into my van…..or reaching for the clothes they had left…..All I remember is looking out the window…and thinking I didn’t know why we were even going back to Okc….I mean….I didn’t have anything left.  I was just…..numb.

I don’t know where we were in the trip home..but I remember something happening.  I remember God speaking to me and realizing that my babies were okay. They were in heaven…..WITH GOD.  I knew they didn’t hurt…they had no sadness….no sorrow.  Only joy.  As a mom….that is all you can hope for….. is KNOWING your babies are okay.  Knowing they are safe.  For me, knowing they were in the arms of our Heavenly Father….was what gave me hope.  I woke up.  I woke up to the fact that I was still here.  I still had things to do.  I had to show others the hope that I had.  The hope in Him that if we are still here….we have a purpose.  The hope of knowing when our loved ones are gone……if we are followers of Christ….we will all be reunited for eternity.  This is what woke me up and gave me a new purpose.

I mean….look at these faces….

They LOVED life! They gave it their everything….every day!

They had fun!  But even their short life wasn’t always easy.  There were some very dark and difficult times.  But if you remember…or knew my boys at all…you’ll remember that no matter where they were…or how bad things were in their lives….they were always smiling!!!  Their smiles…..showed HOPE.  Their hope….I know for a fact….was in HIM!  If those sweet boys….could smile through anything….then this momma….will always do the same!  You have no idea how much I want to make them proud.  Usually it is the other way around.  It is usually the child that wants to please the parent and make them proud.  But for me….I just want to show them….that in my time left here without them…I was able to smile.  Through the pain…and the tears…I continue to smile.  Not because it is easy….but because that is what they would have done.

Cody’s friends and teachers talked about his smile.  They talked about how it lighted up a room.  I miss that…. more than I can express.

Cory’s friends and teachers also talked about his smile.  How he loved to smile and perform.  I miss that…..so bad it hurts.

Caby’s friends loved his smile.  It was so fun and mischevious.

I miss that…..more every day.

But I have hope.  Allow me to share the scripture that was in the funeral brochure.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand,.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he ahs given us.”      Romans 5:1-5

This is it.  FAITH. HOPE. and LOVE.

As angry as I get….at what happened…at the fact I will never get to see my babies grow up…..never get to see who they would have become….never get to experience so many of the milestones with them….never get to be a Gramma….never get to do A LOT of things……  As angry as all that makes me….  I have hope. That is what woke me up 15 years ago today.  The hope that I am still here and have so much more.  The hope that my still being here on this earth….means that I have to fulfill my purpose…and show others that hope.  The hope that through my smile…..others see my boys.  The hope…that one day…we will ALL walk together again…into and for eternity!

That is where my hope lies.  15 years ago…for a brief time…I lost hope.  But then God reminded me….He is still on the throne….and He is holding my sweet boys…. and keeping them safe…until I can hold them again too.

For so many, not just myself, this day 15 years ago…changed a part of their life.  There were so many affected.  So many that hurt.  So many, that even today, remember.  Please do me the honor of leaving a memory here….. and please….sweet friends and family….know that there is always hope.  God not only holds my boys in His hands…but he is holding each one of us every moment of every day.  Some days…for me…it is a moment by moment thing..just getting by.  It is then I crawl into His lap to cry. He lets me be sad and understands my tears.  He holds me and comforts like no one else can.

So today….as I allow myself to be sad….and miss the sweet smiles of my angels…let me leave you with this.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Be thankful and kind to those around you.  You never know it….but your smile and kindness could be the hope they need to keep going….just one more day.

Forever remembering…..until the memories unfold into eternity with you!

I love you all … my sweet c3angels!    ~mommy

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Out of the mouths of babes….

February 15, 2012 by Cheli Porter

Last night we had a fabulous family Valentine’s Day.  We spent the evening just enjoying each other.  We made an easy, family friendly dinner and as we sat around the dinner table we were talking and sharing about our day.   I asked my son to share one reason why he loved his sister…then I asked her the same about her brother.  Then they started asking us about what we lo about each of them.  We spent a long time sharing reasons why we loved each other and just affirming each other.  I have to tell you…it did this momma’s heart good to hear my children share such fond, and touching reasons why they love each other!  Especially since that is NOT how they act all the time (or even most of the time!).

But when we had gone a couple of times each and my son asked his dad to share another reason why he loved my daughter….SHE replied, “Because we have the exact same nose!”.  We all BUSTED out laughing.  I had a mouth full of food and almost choked and then laughed so hard I was almost in tears!  This is so funny to me because I remember when I was pregnant with her…..my husband and I were having a conversation about what she might look like and he specifically said, “I think she will be beautiful!  I just pray she doesn’t come out with my nose!!”.  We all just had a good old fashioned belly laugh!  It was so good to be sitting around the dinner table sharing such joy and laughter with my family….DEFINITELY very high up there on the best Valentines memory list!

It was also last night that out of nowhere, my son’s heart showed itself in a huge way.  I have to say that it totally caught me off guard.  We were all bantering and talking and I was standing at the stove preparing dinner.  We were all in the kitchen and he ….. out of nowhere…… said, “So mom….is February 22nd the worst day of the year for you?”.  By the time he finished his question…he was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me.  I looked over at my husband, with tears in my eyes, and just softly answered, “yes.”.  He just continued to hold me and he said, “I thought so. I’m sorry.”.  He gave me another squeeze and went on about his evening.  I, however, took a little longer to put myself back into the “happy” compartment.  It is times like this that remind me that I don’t have to go through this alone…I have a others to go through this with. Bryce loves me and his brothers….and is getting old enough to share my sorrow with me…..and that is huge!

So….I am thankful today for a blessed and wonderful Valentine’s Day.  I am thankful that I got to see more glimpses into my children’s hearts.  I am thankful that deep down, they really understand what love and family mean.  I am thankful that their daddy, loves them…and me…with all his heart.  I am just blessed.

Today I thank God that as I prepare and go through this next week…leading up to “the worst day of the year” for me….as my son so eloquently put it….I thank Him for the constant reminders…… that I am so blessed to still be here.  I am still needed on this earth. I am still in search for the purpose He would have me fulfill…….and that love runs deep in my home.  I am thankful that as we shared what we loved about each other …… each person’s heart and how tender and sweet …. was one of the first things shared.  I thank God for growing each of us…in His time.

I seek your prayers….for as strong as He is, I am weak.  This is a difficult time.  Joy is still present.  But so are memories that hurt very deeply.  For the next few weeks I can share with you so much about where we were and conversations we were having 15 years ago…..  This can sometimes comfort me…but also torment me. 

I know my God still, and always will, sit on the throne!  I know He will guide my path, as He always has, and strengthen me in this time.  I know all of this… but the pain is still very real and present.  Sometimes it seems it would be easier to just hole up….stop reaching out…and not go on.  That is why I need, I crave, nights like last night!  More blessings…more silver linings….to keep me moving forward ….. in order to fulfill my purpose and get me closer to my eternal Valentine’s celebration…where all our hearts and souls can reunite and rejoice together….forever!

Share love, joy and laughter with those around you.  You may never know how much they may need it!

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