My Life as a COMMA!

Man….this week has been such a roller coaster ride for me….and it’s only half way over!

You see…..last night…I got to watch my son walk across the stage and receive his 6th grade promotion…  What a proud momma I am.  He is such a sweet boy with a wonderful heart.   His last day of 6th grade is today!  Onward and upward! Junior High…..here he comes!  Not sure if this momma’s heart is quite ready for all that!

As he walked out the door just a few moments ago to attend his last day of elementary school….. my heart began skipping beats.  For so many reasons.  This is a milestone in his life! But this is also a huge milestone in my life!

You see….today…..also is the birthday of my oldest son, Cody!  My mind races back, 27 years ago today! It was the last day of school that day as well! I was only a junior in high school….but was on my way to the hospital to deliver my precious bundle of joy.  He was stubborn…and needed some coaxing to enter this world….but at 2:55 pm he made his entrance into this world!  Yes, I’ve been a mom for 27 years today….. but after today….it is the first time in my life I can say I am the mom of a 7th grader.

I am an emotional mess.  I can’t even begin to try to explain all of the places my mind is taking me to right now.  The last day of school for my sweet Bryce…… the birthday of my oldest that never lived to see the day his brother is seeing today……the gradutaion ceremony I attended last night……the night of Cody’s 18th birthday…..which was the same night his friends were walking across the stage for their high school graduation and I was sitting beside his grave, in a heap…and just could not bear to leave. I am so proud and sad all at once.  I am filled with joy for the life I am living now with my son here on earth….yet so full of sorrow for all I missed with my sweet angels in heaven!

What a roller coaster ride.  As my friend told me….. “You better buckle up….it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”  Boy….that’s an understatement!

What I love most….are the memories of both of my boy’s hearts.  Last night, before the graduation….I called Bryce in.  He knew I was gonna cry.  He almost expected it! 🙂    I asked him to sit with me…..and as he did…..all I could do was look into his beautiful eyes.  I couldn’t speak.  Tears just started streaming down my face.  He just looked at me and kind of grinned.  He didn’t get fidgety or upset….he just sat with me.  I told him how much I loved him and how he was growing to be such a fine young man.  He just looked at me and then he took his hand and caressed my cheek and said, “Mom….I love you.  But most of all, I’m proud to be your son.” Well, needless to say that just turned on the water works even more.  He handed me a kleenex. I told him thanks but it was I who was proud.  I told him I thanked God for letting me be his mom.  I thanked him for sending me my rainbow.  I reminded him again what that meant to me, what he meant to me.  He just kept smiling and caressing my face.  He reached over and kissed me and gave me a hug and that was it.  We were off to his graduation and a night of celebrating!

I don’t remember specifically having this same conversation with Cody.  I remember how protective Cody was of me.  I remember how much we just talked and shared with each other.  I remember thinking I could never love another child the same as I did him…until his siblings came along! I remember him telling me his heart hurt and wanting to protect him from it.  I remember his smile…….always brightening my heart every time he flashed it at me!  I remember so much……but it is not enough for me.  Because it was cut short…….I remember not thinking I could go on…..but then I did.

As I sit here…..with tears filling my eyes……and falling down my face…….  I love remembering.  I love that as new memories are made….the old ones can bring me to tears and fill my heart with joy all over again.  I love that as I go through this uncharted territory with my son now…..that the excitement is just as if it would have been with my other children but I know that they are going through it with me in spirit!

I love that I can sit here and close my eyes……and as I do my heart can place my two sons…..Cody and Bryce…..in front of me.  I can imagine both of them sitting in front of me….smiling….back and forth at each other and then back at me….and telling me how much they love me…..and know that I love them back!  I can imagine them, with outstretched hands, caressing each side of my face…..I can almost feel their touch now.  I can hear their words, their excitement, in where my life is now.

All I can ask for as a mom, is to know that my children love me…..know that I love them…..and that they love our God.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I close my eyes and feel both of them touching my face and telling me they love me, that those words are true and their touch is real.

So, today I choose to celebrate two of my sons.  Cody, I thank you for making me a mom.  For 27 years I have been your mom and it has been an honor.  I wish I could hug you and have seen you grow into a man…..but I know in my heart that my hugs are felt by you even now.  I can still see your smile….and I thank you, that when I close my eyes, you are there. You will always….ALWAYS….have a very special place in my heart that can never ever be taken from you. I can’t wait to see you again…..and get all the smiles and hugs from you for eternity!  That is what keeps me going!

And to my sweet son Bryce…..thank you for coming into my life.  Like a rainbow you’ve shown me God’s promises and goodness and faithfulness.  By watching you…..I’m so often reminded how life can go on and be so good….even after so many storms!  Your smile and hugs make life so worth sticking around!  We are both in uncharted territory……junior high!  But I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to steer through this with you!  You brighten my days and give my heart such hope!  The spot in my heart you hold is filled with such joy and color just because of you!  Thank you for letting me be your mom!

Last but certainly not least….I want to thank you God.  You have given me five beautiful children to love on this earth.  My two boys, Cody and Bryce, have each taught me so much about life and love.  I thank you for choosing me to be their mom. Although I don’t understand all of Your ways, I trust that they are perfect.  I know that while some of my kiddos are with you now, my two that are still here with me, are still really yours.  I just ask that you continue to strengthen me.  But today…..I just want to crawl in your lap and say thank you.  Thanks for understanding my roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks for loving me through all of these joys and sorrows.  Thanks for continuing to bless me.  Mostly today….thanks for these two wonderful sons!

Onward…..and upward!   ~c