It’s not that I consider myself an expert in grief or joy- but since I’ve just survived (not celebrated) the 25th anniversary of the deaths of my three sons, I feel I have seen more than most how this plays out in my own life.
Grief and joy seem to be polar opposites. There are a lot of people who think that one cannot experience joy while experiencing grief….and also not experience grief while experiencing joy. I beg to differ.
In my life…I’ve experienced the deepest of grief in losing my three sons at the same time at the hand of their father – and then…only nine short months later….lost my mother. You could say, and I’d tend to agree, it was the worst year of my life.
But was it? Was it the worst YEAR of my life? By stating this – it would infer that my entire year were wrought with the immense grief and difficulties these two events brought about. But, that is not entirely true. Because during this same year, I got engaged, met my first nephew, spent time with family and friends…..and during those times…I was able to feel immense JOY…..but it was still in the “time” of my grief.
So….which is it? Was it the worst or the best? Well….it was both! And…sometimes the two collided!
I explain it like this. On the day I got engaged and the time afterwards….I felt such joy and happiness and wanted to share with everyone…including my children that were no longer here. I call that “where my two worlds collide”. It’s where what is happening in the now and what I want to happen…can’t…because they are no longer here. It is feeling the sadness and grief for what should have been but no longer can be….colliding with what is happening in this moment…and the joy it brings me…in the present.
I also call it a double-edged sword. And, I feel so many decisions and things in life are like this. I feel I could have missed out on the possibility of grief and joy co-existing in this moment. If I had chosen grief, I would have allowed myself to only feel the angst of missing my kids…the anger of them not being with me to celebrate this moment…the sadness of realizing life without them….and most…would probably say it was a validated feeling. And I don’t argue that…BUT…I would argue to say if I had chosen this side of the sword…I would have missed out on the joy of the moment….the love I was feeling….the possibility of life moving forward….of feeling a purpose for continuing on…for so much.
So…I chose joy. That doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the grief….not at all. What it meant though….is as I allowed the pendulum to swing back and forth….MY CHOICE….was to have it land on joy. I didn’t allow myself to get bogged down in the “what should have been”…..but I DID allow myself to feel it. Instead, I chose to feel it….and then KEEP MOVING FORWARD into the joyful feelings.
It seems hard and unlikely we are capable of making these choices. But to that I completely disagree. If you know me, have been around me for long or have heard me speak – you KNOW I believe in the power God gave us.
“We don’t always get to choose what happens to us…but we always have the power to choose how we react!” ~me
This is what I call the power within. I don’t tell people to not feel what they are feeling or going through…but I do tell them they have the power to choose what they wish to do about it. How they choose will determine so much. I truly believe in feeling your feelings in a way of working through it. Feel it – grieve – be frustrated – be angry – just don’t stay there. Unless you want to…and truly…who wants to stay there? It is hard and miserable.
The night my boys died I cried out “WHY NOT ME?” I wondered why it was not me instead of them. But then I chose to calm down and promised them I’d live the rest of my life trying to figure out what my purpose is. There must be a reason I am left here without them…and I promised to spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out. Because as long as I’m pursuing it…I’m living. I’m still breathing…they aren’t. Does that hurt? ABSOLUTELY it does. But it was my new reality.
My reality was to either choose to wallow in the grief…or to learn to find joy…and allow them to coexist. I chose the latter. And it is truly a choice. To keep moving. Sometimes I choose and then fall into the opposite of my choices…and so I have to choose again. I didn’t say it was easy….all I’m saying is it is possible.
The crazy thing is – in the past 25 years I’ve met more parents who have lost a child/children than I ever thought possible. I’ve realized the island I felt like I was on – is actually a continent because it is so large…. with citizens who never intended to travel there and now have a citizenship they never wanted to have.
But while on this continent, I’ve watched it’s citizens. I’ve seen the ones who have chosen grief over joy – and it makes me sad. They allow the pendulum to swing – but you can tell the choice is grief – because that is where they tend to land. I’ve also watched citizens choose joy. They allow their grief and joy to not just coexist – but they sprinkle each in healthy doses as they share with others to show them this island is not our only place of residence. The island of loss is just one of our dual-citizenships. It isn’t what defines us – but it is something we will not deny as being a part of us.
I’ve also seen some who think they’ve chosen joy over grief. They act as if the loss didn’t happen. If I don’t talk about it or acknowledge it – I can move forward and find joy. I’m afraid, however, the body knows. The unhealthy art of stuffing our feelings, not being real enough to allow our hearts to feel the tough stuff….isn’t truly joy. It isn’t really moving forward. It’s more like running away from something instead of moving towards something. This, too, makes me sad for others. As much as they think they are choosing joy….they are sometimes working so hard to NOT allow grief in…they are missing out on true joy.
All of this to say – I believe you have to allow both grief and joy to coexist in your life. But…I also believe you must make a choice on which one you will land on….which one you will lean into when the other gets too heavy….when the angst of grief is pulling you down and into a place that seems unhealthy and you can’t or don’t want to go on…that is when your choice of joy must happen. You MUST start to retrain your brain to go back towards the blessings….the now…the possibilities of life from this moment on.
Each day – we are one day closer to our loved ones. Each day – we have the ability to make progress. For me….it looked like purposes. Find yourself a purpose. It might only be for the next few moments, the next few hours, a day or so, or months…but you MUST find a purpose for why you are here.
My initial purpose – was to plan a celebration of my boys that was more about how they lived instead of how they died. It had to be safe enough for all the school-aged children to feel safe to be there and to feel what they needed to feel. Then, it was going to their school…so those kids could see that I was “okay”. Because I felt like if they could see that it was okay for me to keep going…they’d know it was okay for them to keep going as well. Then, it was to help take care of my terminally ill mother. To care for her, repair our broken relationship, to create memories I would need to carry me in my new grief when I lost her too. It was to take the burden from my father when mom was ready to talk about her final/funeral wishes “because unfortunately I knew what would be needed”. It was to put her mind at ease knowing her wishes would be taken care of and her love would be poured out. Then, it was helping to take care of my family in new loss. But – there was also joyful purposes. It was planning my wedding and my sister’s wedding. It was talking about creating a new life. My purposes kept changing – but I was always finding them.
Was it hard. You bet it was. In the midst of it all, I was also allowing myself the times needed to talk through my grief, my losses, my feelings about each event. I was being real with myself and those closest to me….so that I could work through it instead of sitting in the middle of it.
I didn’t do all of it right. I promise you that. But…I’ve made it 25 years. I’ve experienced a lot. I try to share now…not because I did it perfectly. But I did make it here – and learned a lot along the way. I share to help those who are new to the grief part. I share because I want to see them able to make the choice of joy and grief coexisting.
I also want to make my boys, and my mom proud. I want to make my children still on this earth proud. I want to help others, and believe that now, that is my purpose.
Much love ~c
