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Well…here we are. 20 years since my boys were taken away from me. 20 years past the day I didn’t honestly think I could live through. 20 years have passed and 20 years of life has been lived! …..and yet…I can still see so many things so vividly in my mind….as if it were just yesterday.

In preparing for this anniversary….God placed it on my heart to do something different. You see…I’m VERY private on these days. VERY! I take off work, I stay home…I don’t make phone calls…and I don’t take all the phone calls I receive. I allow my self to “go there”. I give myself permission to go back, to remember….to hurt and cry…and fall apart. I do fall apart…usually pretty hard. I usually wait until my husband and kiddos are gone…and I release it all. I cry out to God….I cry and allow myself to feel the ache…to feel the emptiness. I allow my mind to go to the places I try to keep it from on a daily basis. These are usually the days I reserve for me.

But this time…this time God reminded me of some very true realities.

This…didn’t just happen to me. They weren’t “mine” only. There were other family members, friends, neighbors, schoolmates, teammates, teachers, coaches…..just a lot of other people who also experienced the loss of my wonderful boys. And…there are people that have never met them….didn’t know them while they were here with us on this earth. These people didn’t know them…but they know us…and so they know their story. And..they love us!  And…this being such a momentous anniversary…I needed to do something…something to include everyone.

So, I took it to my kids and hubs to see what we should do. This was at the beginning of February…we talked about it…but then life happened and we got busy…and the next thing we knew…we were about a week away and still hadn’t planned anything. In talking to each of my family…..it seems we all had the same idea. We should do a balloon release to celebrate their lives! We agreed to release blue & silver balloons, the color of their school. Then, where to have it? We talked about the school….or the ball fields where their trees are planted…but ended up deciding on the cemetery. It was decided.

I then created a graphic for each of us to share. I remember my daughter asking if I thought there would be a lot of people there. I said…”maybe”. And by “a lot”…I was thinking 30-40!

Little did I know…this would get bigger than I ever imagined. I wanted to just get together…play some music and release balloons. And that is what we did…but it truly…turned into an event. Not an event I had envisioned…but in looking back…it is exactly the kind of event my heart needed!!!!

In listening to God and opening myself up to others on this day….He did a work and a healing on my heart through others!!! I’m so thankful for His provision!

We had news coverage, 2 professional photographers, friends helping plan, donated balloons…..and friends and family….there to support us.

It was overwhelming…the love I felt.

I told everyone…that 20 years ago…on that awful, dark grey day…I had crawled into the lap of God and let Him hold me. But on this day…..it was their texts, calls, facebook posts, faces and sweet messages that I felt…and it felt just like the arms of God were wrapped around me again! It was them….who gave me my strength. And it wasn’t a dark, grey day at all…. There was a beautiful blue sky, with wispy, angel-winged clouds….that evolved into one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen.




We had close to 150 people gathered to remember…to celebrate the lives of my sweet angels! It was overwhelming to see so many people from so many different facets of my life represented there with me! Seeing the love…and you could truly see love….was more than my heart could have imagined. The hugs I received….were just like the hugs I received 20 years ago today.

20 years ago today was the funeral. I remember it being dark and cold and grey…again. But I also remember staying there….and hugging every single person …..long after the graveside service was over. I remember the hugs…the love…and the way it made me feel supported and that I was not alone. That…is exactly what happened, again….at the balloon release. The hugs…the love….the smiles…the stories…the tears…the presence….of those who loved the boys…of those who love me…and my family…were like raindrops in the desert! They were the salve my wounded heart needed on this anniversary date.

I’m hoping these links work….because if you are reading this…no matter where you are in the world….you are now a part of my story….of their story and I want to share this day with you. I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read my blog…to allow me and my part of His story…to reach into your life. This is a video…of the day I had…of remembering…of loving…and of being loved. These are just some of the small reminders…that God shows up!!! He showed up 20 years ago….and He has continued to show up…through the hands and feet of the people who love HIM!

Click here to watch the coverage from News 9. A big shout-out and thanks to Steve Shaw for being so kind and respectful of my family while covering the event.

And this video is a small representation of the day we had…taken by my sweet friend Mary from ToMorrow’s Memories Photography! Please take a few moments…to watch…to see God…and to thank God…for life…for love…and for each other.

So…if you can still see this…through the tears…I know you are really wonderful and I thank Him for you! I ask that you share…so that others can see the goodness in life after death……in hope after tragedy….in love over hate!! I am asking God to do big things…in and through this day of remembrance! He….has done such a good work through this tragedy…and I know…He is just starting to “show up and show off!”. I’m just praying….I’m strong enough…and up for the ride He has in store!!

There is so much more to share…but for now…this is enough. Until then……………

Much love and thanks! ~c

 

 

Reality hits….

This month is a doozie for me and my family! So many things…good and bad….and just a bit overwhelming at times!

This month is filled with birthdays and anniversaries of ones I love….

My sweet hubby’s birthday, his sister’s birthday, my grandmother’s birthday, brother-in-law’s birthday, best friend’s birthday, another sweet friend’s birthday….my parents’ anniversary, the anniversary of when my grandmother passed, the anniversary of my boys’ death, the anniversary of my friend’s baby’s “gotcha” day…..just a lot going on.

In the midst of this month….and all that is happening…there is also the busy, normal, every day life stuff going on. 

My sweet boy decided to add to that a bit…and schedule a college visit. We went a couple days ago. The college he wishes to attend just happens to be in my old stomping grounds! But man…has that town changed! There is so much familiarity…yet it is so different all at the same time…..kinda like my life!! 🙂 

We walked through the campus….sat with the admissions counselor…..asked questions….asked more questions….and all the while I kept looking over at this nearly-man child….and wondering…where has the time gone? How did we get from him being such a little chunky monkey to him looking like the young man he is now? How am I sitting here…with a college admissions counselor….thinking of handing over my baby to the world….and not having him under my protective wing any more? How did my reality turn into this? 

As I watched him walk in front of me…with our guide…talking with her and asking questions…I realized this is a symbol of this part of my life right now. He is in front of me….walking away from the protection of my nest…growing ever-so-close to adulthood and stepping out on his own. This is the picture in my heart…as I wrestle, once again, with God, over letting go of this precious boy…..of trusting him…his heart…his LIFE…to the very One who created Him…who loved him FIRST…who has plans for him beyond my comprehension…and who will protect him and guide him on the path HE has set before him. Will it be easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!  But at the same time…what I’m reminded of…is he will not be walking away from my love. He will never be so far away that I can’t be there for him…if he wants me to be…and I will never stop praying for him…and for his heart… This new reality won’t happen for over a year….but I thank God He gave me this glimpse…this moment…to see and begin to prepare my heart…for what is to come. The harsh reality is…that….this is a part of life I’ve never experienced before…as a mother. To release my child into adulthood…into the world…and away from the facade I’ve created in my mind….of being his protector. Oh Lord…you are his protector, provider and the One who will guide him! I release him…daily…to You. I trust you completely….with his life…with his heart…with his future. I know he will seek You and your will for his path…..and whatever he may do…or be…as long as it is with You…is more than okay with this momma!

Then…this month…there is also the harsh reality of it being 20 years…since I’ve seen my three sweet boys on this earth. My family and I have been discussing this for a while now…and wanted to do something different…something special. Then, this week snuck up on us and we realized it is here…and so we decided to do a balloon release…and include all of our friends, family and supporters! We chose pics and I created a little flyer/invite for all of us to share. 

Now, I have known this was coming…and we’ve been talking about it.. A LOT. But…let me just tell you…seeing it…writing it…to share…somehow made the reality of it…even more real. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality…of seeing their sweet smiles…of them being stuck in my mind at 11, 10 and 8…and watching my son and the milestones he is hitting…just jumped out of nowhere and knocked me back…quite a bit. 

This is the flyer I shared. These are the pics I chose. There were so many I could have chosen…so many to share…. But in reality…it was the same photos I’ve always had to go through….nothing new…nothing past those ages. Nothing. No new pics….because there was no more life for them to live. There was no middle school….no high school…no college. No marriages and no babies. That…is the harsh reality. And you know what….???? It sucks. And yes…I could stay here and be all mad and frustrated and angry and even be justified in staying in that place….but……

It won’t help. It isn’t who they were…and it isn’t who I want to be. We are not victims of this situation and I …for some reason…am still here…breathing….choosing…living. So….

Instead I choose to remember the lives they lived in those 11, 10 and 8 years! I choose to remember the smiles…the silliness…the absurdities…the songs…the laughter…the fights…the wrestling…the playing…the crying…..the sports….the shenanigans….the constant eating…the friends…the athletes…the joy….the love….and the life each of my boys had in their time with us on this earth. I will choose to honor them…with the life I still have. I will choose to share their story…with those who don’t know it. I will choose to point others to Jesus…because that is what they would want…. I will choose to honor them…with not staying down..but instead getting up…each and every time … no matter what. I will choose to allow the holes they left in my heart…never to be filled with anger, bitterness or unforgiveness…never to try to fill those same holes with anything or anyone else….but instead I’ll choose to allow those same holes…to expand the capacity of my heart to love…to empathize…to allow more in….and to increase my territory. I will choose to allow their story to be my story…..and to use it to glorify the God they now abide with. I will allow God to be my all…my strength…to carry me when I feel weak…to be my all and my Lord…so I can walk not only with Him for eternity…but with my boys for eternity. I will choose joy…through the suffering and hurt…allowing perseverance to build my strength so I can be strong for others! 

All I ask of you….is to know these truths. The reality is….life is hard. We are never promised happiness or even tomorrow. But…we are promised an eternity with our Creator….if we choose to believe He sent His son for us….to die for what we deserved…and to take our place. If we confess Him as our Lord and Saviour…He will, He has…atoned for our sins…and prepares a place for us in Heaven. The next truth is….He has given us His power and strength. You see, I’m not strong…at all… But..in…and through my Lord…I’ve allowed His strength to carry me…to hold me….to heal me…and in return…He has made me powerful.  I have power in my choices….not to be a victim…but a victor. In my chooses to go on….I have power. The power to choose to live…and not to just exist. The choice to continue to love…and not just focus on the love I’ve lost. The power to go on….is a choice. I am powerful. You are powerful. Please…please…honor my boys with your choices. Choose Him.  Choose love. Choose…to walk His path…and follow Him.

If you are able…you are welcome to be with us Wednesday afternoon. If you aren’t…we ask for your thoughts and prayers as we lift our hearts and release balloons heavenward…. 

Reality is….there is hope…and joy…and love in this hurting world. Your power…is choosing to see it. And…if you don’t see it…to seek it out. My prayer is …. you’ll choose to be powerful! 

all my love! ~c


Seriously…there is a “how to” manual for just about EVERYTHING these days…or a book for us “DUMMIES”!! Heck, I even saw a news story on a woman who, along with her four children, built their own home…using nothing but “how-to” videos from YouTube!! Seriously…if you don’t know how to do something these days…the answer seems to always be…”Just Google it!”. Well…let me tell you something…there is NOTHING out there for what I’ve been going through in mine and my kids lives!

Let me share with you my night. First, when I picked up my daughter from school…I could tell she was “in a mood”. She wasn’t being rude…really, she wasn’t even talking. But I could sense there was something under the surface. She came home and wanted to rest. That was fine..because I was tired as well. That didn’t really happen…and then…the fireworks. Nothing I said was met with kind responses. It was either an argument or an explanation of why she didn’t need or want to do something. This led to me losing my cool. After a bit…she went to her room. I went back there and we tried to “talk”…but it just wasn’t happening. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to unpack what was really going on with her..and she didn’t want to talk. So I left her alone for a while. 

I prayed while she was back there. I knew there was something..I just didn’t know what. It frustrated me…and in my frustration…I was going about getting her to open up to me all wrong! I had kept prodding in ways that weren’t conducive to her becoming vulnerable and going below the surface to what was really wrong. I prayed and asked God to help me…to give me the timing and words to say to truly help her heart..not just her situation. 

After a long while I went back and opened the door…and asked if we could talk. I stayed there at the door and didn’t invade her space, even after she told me she was okay with it. And then….it happened.

She shared so much. She opened up to me about her struggles….her hurts…emotionally and spiritually. They were very deep wounds and she was drowning in her own feelings and thoughts and couldn’t find a way out. 

I realized then that my sweet daughter has the gift of empathy to the point of taking on the burden so heavily..that she was losing herself. She was so wrapped up in what is going on with the ones she loves…she wasn’t able to focus on herself and know how to still feel for the other person…and not let it effect her own life so much. We started discussing healthy boundaries and having to understand everyone has their own responsibilities. She broke…hard.

But then….there was more. She started asking me about her brothers. She broke…and it broke me. She just wants…so badly…to hear they are proud of her. She wants to know they notice her…that God notices her. She is still angry at my ex for taking her brothers away from her. She cried and mourned….and as much as I understood….I didn’t!

You see…for her….she is mourning someone she loves very much…her BROTHERS….but also…someone she NEVER MET!! Take that in for a moment. She never met them. She doesn’t know them. She has no memories with them. She only knows stories of them.

Where is the manual for that!!??  For “How to grieve a loved one you never met”. I mean, really…think of it….  When people are grieving we often tell them to “remember the good times”…or that “the memories we have in our heart of that person will never die”. Well…she doesn’t have any of that!!!!

I held her…for the longest time. Her head buried in my chest…I had tears rolling down my face…falling on her head. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to comfort her….to reassure her. I don’t even get it! I got to have them here with me….she doesn’t. I get to think of the moments we had…their silly grins…. All she has…are pictures…and stories. And…it’s been so long since they were here….there aren’t many around us who speak of them…to us anyway. Her grief is on a whole different level. One I’ve never experienced…or have any wisdom on the way to help her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. 

She carries a burden for them as well. A burden to live…since they didn’t. A burden to live well…for them…to make them proud of her. She carries a burden of sadness….and her mind takes her to places I can’t even imagine…because she can literally….can only imagine who they were…what they were like…and who they might be to her now. Her burden is heavy…..and all I want to do is take it from her. But I can’t…because it isn’t something I understand. 

So, God. She is wrestling with Him now, too. She is wrestling with all that she is burdened about…for herself as well as others. She is wrestling with feeling Him…with forgiveness…and why it is so expected. She is wrestling with His loving…all while allowing….so many to hurt…including her. 

So, I prayed. And prayed some more. We talked…we cried….we cried and talked some more. And by the end of the evening…we had smiles again. Our hearts were lighter….and our load seemed lighter. If only…just for a little while.  There were no “magic words”….no “fix-it slogans”. Just tough realizations and conversations. 

We decided we will be brainstorming together. You see, in less than a month…we will have the 20th…yes…20 years…anniversary of her brothers death. We want to do something special in remembrance of them. We aren’t sure if we will ask others to join in…or if it will be just a private, family event. But…we will honor the brothers she never knew. We will continue to heal the broken in our lives…and allow God to help us write the “how to” as we go along.

In mine…and my family’s grief process…I’ve learned there is no “how to” or specific way it is supposed to play out. We are all different…and it looks different for each and every one of us. And that’s ok. 

I found this graphic…I think it displays my “grief journey” just about better than anything else I’ve ever seen. 

I truly believe we can have a guide…but we need to understand…there is no “right way” to grieve. Until my sweet girl shared…I never considered just how different her grief process was from my own. I thought I could understand…because I lost them too. But I’m realizing…it isn’t the same. For any of us. 
So, having said all that…I ask you to consider a few things. 

1.) Please, if you think of it…pray for our sweet family. We are struggling more than we will probably ever let on…with the upcoming anniversary. But our God will see us through..and there will be..I’m sure…many lessons yet to be learned.

2.) Pray for my girl. Pray she is able to build healthy boundaries…to release to God what isn’t hers to “own”…and she would see Him…in all she does.

3.) You would consider…when dealing with anyone…there is not always a way to completely understand what someone else is going through. You can empathize…but you can’t own it. You can share and love…but you can’t fully “get it”…and that is okay. Love them through…pray with them…and point them to Jesus.

4.) Open up…be real…to someone you trust. She needed someone to help bring her out of the thoughts in her head. She was letting the voices inside her become so loud…she couldn’t process them..or anything else. She NEEDED to talk…but was afraid to. Open up…be real. We were never meant to be an island. Do the hard work of finding that safe place and open up and let them cushion your thoughts…to guide you into reality…to share in the burdens you carry.

I’ll do that for any of you…seriously. I don’t think we are supposed to walk alone…so if you feel alone…and are reading this…reach out. I promise to keep it confidential. But know…I’ll be honest back with you…and love you through it. 

“For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you'” – Isaiah 41:13

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” – Galatians 6:2

all my love ~c

Let me start this how I was originally going to title it…

REALIZING….NOBODY can truly give me what I want for my birthday or Christmas!

Sounds a bit selfish…doesn’t it? Well…in a way it is. But I’m always transparent and honest…and today…this is where I’ve been.

You see…my birthday falls right before Christmas. So I get asked all the time…what do you want for your birthday and Christmas? What do you want to do for your birthday? And to me…that is OVERWHELMING! 

I just celebrated my sister last week…not even a full week ago! And yesterday…I celebrated my sweet daughter! I KNOW how crazy this season has become with the shopping, the parties, the wrapping, the cooking, the expectations, the planning, the “trying to see everyone you are supposed to see” and the whole craziness Christmas season has become!! Throw into the mix…a birthday just a few days before…and VOILA!! It seems like it’s just something else to plan, to shop for…to do.

Now…don’t get me wrong! First and foremost…I LOVE CHRISTMAS! It is a very special holiday to me…and I LOVE the true meaning of Christmas! I love celebrating the birth of my Lord and honoring Him. I also love buying for others! I am a gift giver…and love listening to people through the year…and trying to find something special…that shows I love them…I know them…and shows them I care! I also love…even more…giving to those who are truly in need. As a matter of fact…we have done that this year so much more than we ever have! And…what’s even better is that nobody really knows all we’ve done…or even it was us that did it! So…all this to say…..don’t think I have a bad attitude about Christmas…because I don’t….it is truly a treasured time in my family. 

BUT….

All that being said….this morning…I did let myself...”go there”.  Call it a bad attitude….selfish…or whatever…I’m going to share where my mind went…. (be gentle)…

This morning I was alone. My sweet girl was with her friend and enjoying her family…and my boys were volunteering at church. I was left at home to enjoy some quiet time…some “me” time. So as I was enjoying my time….I was singing and praying and thinking…. As I was making my bed…it hit me…. 

People keep asking what I want…. well…

I broke into a sob…really quick. I spoke aloud as I cried…and tried to breathe. These…were my words…through my tears…

“NOBODY can give me what I truly want for my birthday or for Christmas!!! Because I just want my boys …. here with me! I want to hold their newborn babies in the hospital and watch them as they become fathers!!! I want to see them preparing to be Santa for the first or fourth time…and enjoying their families and spoiling them during this time!! I want to see them…to hold them…to touch them again!! I want them to be here to tell their brother and sister they love them and how proud they are of them! I want them to stand together…so I can take a picture of ALL FIVE OF THEM TOGETHER!! To show them how their smiles really ARE alike! I want to hear them say they are proud of me…they are happy I was chosen to be their mom! I want to look forward to my phone ringing…knowing it is one of them on the other line…just calling to chat…and say they love me!! I want to tell them I love them…and hold them…squeeze them…smell them….again!!  

And I want my mom to be here! I want her to see my sweet daughter and see how wonderful she is! I want her to have deep discussions with my son and see how much he has accomplished. I want to hear her say she is proud of me…and of my sister…and she couldn’t have done any of it better herself. I want her to see my nephew and comment on how his height had to of come from her side of the family!! I want her to be on the other end of the phone when I call…for absolutely no reason…but to hear her voice! 

I want so much that I can’t have! I want them…But I still want the ones I have now! I want the pain to be gone…not just from my life…but from those around me I love so very much!!”

I cried hard. I fell to the floor. I yelled it out through my tears! “THIS IS WHAT I WANT! PEOPLE KEEP ASKING….AND THIS IS IT! THIS…..and since I CAN’T have it…it is hard to find something that “will do”. Not that I don’t appreciate others wanting to celebrate or can’t appreciate what they give out of love……but this is where my heart is. 

I usually don’t share this side of me…this part of my suffering…of my journey. But it is real. 

The good thing about it…is in being more real with myself…it allows me to get these feelings out in the open…to not “stuff” them and allow myself to truly FEEL them.. to mourn the loss of my expectations and move into and truly appreciate the reality I have now!

So, as I prayed for God to heal my broken heart..yet again….He showed me this. Don’t title this about me in a selfish way… It’s okay to be real and raw…but instead…learn from it and grow….and challenge others to do the same.

So, when my son asked me to give him an idea of what I wanted…I sent him this…”I don’t want anything…except happiness..promise to help me…promise to keep growing..in every way possible. Have a determined heart and resolve to kick it in gear in school…to take care of yourself…but still let me be a part of your life. Write me a letter… don’t spend your money on me…give me something from your heart.” 

This is what I want…what I need….what I crave. Moments….memories….heartfelt…not store bought. 


So…my challenge to you…is….to go deeper and find out your heart’s desire for this Christmas. Then…don’t just seek to execute it for yourself….but seek to find out other’s heart’s desires…and seek to help them attain theirs! 

I promise…in helping others…you will help yourself. In loving others through it…you, yourself, will have been wrapped in love and helped yourself…”through it”. This holiday…as wonderful as it is…can be so tough on so many. REALIZE you are blessed…no matter where you are! You may not be where you desire…but God desires you to see your purpose right now…right where you are!

God created us in His image…we are here to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others. That is our calling. NO matter where you are or what your situation is right now…He loves you…and He created you with a purpose on your life. There is not just one small purpose…there are many. If you are doubting why you are still here…I promise you friend…there is still a purpose that only YOU were created for. It may seem so simple to you…to do something which may seem so insignificant to you….but to someone else…it might just not only be them seeing the hands and feet of Jesus at work…but the eyes and face of God smiling down on them…THROUGH YOU!! 

My challenge to you is to be real…with yourself and others. Create memories and moments that will always mean something…don’t stress over the “stuff”….Remember who you are…and whose you are…and…that I love you! 

Thank you for challenging me…through this blog…through my life…through your prayers. You have touched my life…even if we have not met. You have shown me a purpose I never believed God would trust me with. I am encouraged by you…equipped by God…and I know…even if I can’t have what I want right now….my eternity will be exactly what I want! Blessings to you this season! ~c

If you go and look at my facebook page…today you’ll see I’ve changed my pictures. My cover photo is this….


And my profile pic is this….


These pics say a lot….about this month. You see…this month…I’m completely reminded about all five of these people and their roles in my life…

The boys…well that is obvious… This is Caleb’s birthday month…but there is hardly a pic of him alone..because he was the baby brother!! I miss them…a lot. I miss all they’ve missed out on…I’m reminded how much life I’ve lived they haven’t….and quite frankly..it just sucks.

Then…the one on the top is the boys…with mom. This month is her birthday. A day when I celebrate who she would be…. This birthday will be a big one…that just hit me about a week ago…but I will write more on that later.

Then the last one….is of Rhonda..and me. It’s a pic that says so much….it shows our love for each other…how happy we were when we were together…and how comfortable we were together. It was taken in another town…at my sister’s wedding. She traveled to be there…because she was family. She IS family. But…she has been gone now…for seven years…today. It stinks. It stinks all the times I’ve sat with her sweet girl in the rocking chair loving on her…and as much as I love it!!!….and I do….I know it should’ve been her. It stinks…when I’m loving on what I call “my” grandbabies…..and knowing they really and truly are hers….I’m just here by default. But…I know…had it been reversed…she would be doing the same for my kids…my grandkids…because that is what family does. It is what we did when she was here….so why would that stop now.

This past week…all I’ve been repeating in my head..in every situation…is “just be Jesus”…and “love like Jesus”. Rhonda…she was that for me. She showed me His love…pointed me in the direction of His kingdom! She was truly…the hands and feet of Christ to me…and I want to be nothing but that to her family.

If I…at any point and time…have touched your life…with my story or words….and pointed you…towards Christ…. 

Let me just say…You have this beautiful lady to thank. She started it…I’m just paying it forward!!  

I miss…all five of these people. I miss them in a mighty way…and I’ve had old wounds creep up that were unexpected. God has worked with me through this….I’ll share more about that next….for another day.

Today…I’m just going to remember…to be thankful…and to “just be Jesus”…so all five of these people…will clap as Jesus says…”job well done”… because I know…they are cheering me on…even though…I can no longer physically feel it.. or hear it…I know it…in my heart…where it counts!

Love to you!! Just like Jesus!! ~c

Yes…today would be 28! Today I’d be celebrating your 28th birthday…. I can’t believe it! 

But you’re not here….you’re in heaven celebrating with Jesus…and I’m left here. 

I’m left here to wonder how we would be celebrating if you were still here. I’m left here to think if I close my eyes…maybe…just maybe…I could imagine you as a man…with whiskers and a strong jawbone….and a family…or still single…and working….but I don’t know where. I’m here….realizing I only had 8 birthdays with you here….and now 20….yes…20 without you. 

Just typing that made my head hurt. I don’t think my heart could hurt any more. I’m numb. This go round…this birthday….I’m feeling numb. Numb….because there is so much I don’t know. I just can’t imagine it. As hard as I try…I can’t see you as a man….I didn’t even get to see you as a teenager! I don’t know what field of school and work you would have gone into or chosen. I don’t know what kinds of girls you would have liked…because you never really liked girls while you were here with me! I was still the number one girl in your life! (Which honestly..is ok with me!) 

As I went through pictures of you….I realize they are all the same. I mean…when you go back to look at pics…normally you can see progression… you can see how a person has grown. But when I see your pics…all I see is my baby. You never left that stage with me. I see grit and determination in the pics…I see your smile and your silly side in the pics….I see how much you were loved and wanted in the pics….but I don’t see you move past an 8 year old…sweet, smiling boy. I never will. 

I wonder….will you still be a child in heaven? Will your new body be older or will you always remain my sweet Caby-baby? Forever 8….. I wonder….could you be any more joyful than when you were here with me? I know you can….but goodness…when I look at your pics…and remember sweet memories with you…there was ALWAYS…silliness and joy! I wonder….are you discussing philosophical things with great thinkers in heaven??? Because you were always light years above the rest of us when you were here!!! I wonder….do you miss me??…..as much as I miss you. Although…I already know the answer to that. In heaven…we are promised no more sorrow…so I’d have to say you don’t miss me….because my missing you brings me great sorrow…and yet joy…all at the same moment. I’m going to choose to believe time where you are isn’t measured the same as it is here. Your time is the blink of an eye compared to mine. You don’t have time to miss me…the same as I have time to miss you! You might just blink…and then I’ll be with you! So, missing you…is what I’ll do until that happens!!! I can’t wait…to celebrate with you…to hold you again….to see that wonderful, silly grin…to hear your voice…and to love you…forever and always….with you…present with you. Because it won’t be much different than missing you here….loving you…forever and always…there…we’ll just get to giggle and love on each other….all while praising God for His goodness and grace.

I thanked Him this morning…as soon as I woke up. I thanked Him…that 28 years ago I woke up expecting…and by that night…I went to bed cradling you in my arms! I thanked Him for the 8 years you were here…physically with me. I don’t like that it was so short…but I do thank Him for the blessed assurance of knowing my eternity will be with you as a part of it! I thanked Him for your smile…for today…that gets me through. I remember your look…that silly grin and cocked head…and the crazy things that would come out of your mouth! Then…I thanked Him for the times you wrapped your arms around me and hugged my neck and told me you loved me…and I told you I loved you! I thanked Him…for you. I thanked Him…for choosing me to have this hard part of my life. For…if you hadn’t been in it for 8 years…I wouldn’t have known the joy you had to teach me. I’d rather have the past 20 years without you in them….than have had my whole life….never knowing you as my son. I thank Him…for picking me…to be your mom. I could never have known how wonderful 8 short years…could make my life!

You completed me…when I thought I couldn’t be complete. Thanks sweet boy. And Happy Heavenly Birthday! Tonight…I’ll go to bed…expecting…to one day wake up…and hold you again.

All my love…sweet Caby-baby…momma!




How do I put into words what I feel right now? What I’m feeling for this sweet boy of mine? It’s harder than I thought it would be…but only because there is so much that could be said!

Bryce is 17 today!!

Man…I can’t believe it….that seems to fall off my tongue so easily..yet it is so hard all at the same time! 

He was my “rainbow baby”! Yet today…he is a young man…and he has such a special part of my heart. My heart swells with love for this kid. He is passionate about the things he loves…but mostly about the people he loves. He has his head on straight…and other than a few “teen things”….he truly is a great kid! To say I’m blessed would be putting it very mild!

He has a plan…and he is working hard on it. He is a junior in high schools carrying a 13 hour college-credit load this semester. He is on track to graduate with his Associate’s Degree in Allied Health (before he receives his High School diploma) and then take the classes he needs from there to become an RN. From there…he is already networking…talking to people…and seeing where things might take him. 

But beyond being the proud mom of his academic endeavors….I’m mostly a proud mom because of this boy’s heart. He loves Jesus. He serves others. Even when nobody is looking…he is serving. He is tirelessly working to make other’s experience in our church something that will help them see the Love of Christ. Ya’ll….he is truly…the salt of the earth! And…God chose ME to be his MOM!! 

Even after all the mess ups…after tragedy and difficulty. This messed up momma got another chance…and God…loved me so much…he gave me BRYCE!!  Priceless…he is truly priceless to me! 

I woke up this morning and remembered the “torture” I had to endure just before he was born…(i.e. Version before c-section) But as soon as I saw his face…all I could do was kiss it! I can’t get enough of his hugs and kisses. He stops me at least once a day and gives me the biggest bear hug ever! I live for these moments. 

He is growing into such a wonderful young man. Yes…I know he will eventually leave and another young lady will be the one kissing his face and getting his hugs….so for now….I cherish those moments with my son! 

The bittersweet part of today….. of knowing his brothers didn’t make it to be this old…creeps into my thoughts on days like today… But the power I do have today….is in my choice. And today….I choose to not miss out on the son I have here in front of me celebrating today….because I’m too busy caught up being sad about the 3 sons I didn’t get to celebrate their 17th birthday with because they weren’t here. I refuse to let that happen! I do have control…and that is the power of choice God gave me. 

He has promised me we will all spend eternity together….of this I am certain. So my today…is spent celebrating the life of Bryce. Today I celebrate the 17 years he has been here with me. I celebrate who is is becoming and the love I have for him. 

He is a world changer. He is a Jesus lover. He is a happiness chooser. He is a loving server. He is a silly, fun-haver. 

 He is my son. He is 17 today…and I celebrate him!!
Happy Birthday Bryce! I don’t think there is any way I could ever love you more!

All my love, ~mom

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