I’m sitting in a space of feelings this morning. I’m teetering on what I call the juxtaposition of grief and joy. I’m beyond thankful for the kindness and love shown to me and my family today….and yet wishing so much there weren’t a need for it!
Being honest with my feelings is something I try hard to do. And I share…because I’ve come to realize how it has helped others….but mostly as a keepsake for my kiddos! I started this blog kind of as a way to share with them my feelings…my highs and lows…my ups and downs…. I haven’t come here often recently – but today – I wanted to share.
You see…I’ve had all the feels lately. It started a week ago. It always does – I walk through the last week the boys and I had. I remember where we ate – specific conversations – so many things. But this year has been a bit different. It has worn on me…more than usual. I’ve tried to figure out why. I realized it’s because I used to be in a space at work – alone – to deal with it – This year, I’ve been in an office setting and around others a lot more. I’ve “put on my face” more than usual…and tbh…it’s been exhausting. Not bad…just exhausting.
I couldn’t sleep – and I came into the living room to a balloon bouquet. 3 blue Mylar balloons and a large silver c3! just like the ones from the 20 year anniversary balloon release. I checked my ring door camera – and it was one of my bffs. I’m not surprised. I just sat here…in the dark…listening to the rain…and seeing the balloons. It made me feel sad. It made me feel loved. It made me angry there was a reason for balloons like this. It made me think of so many years spent without my children. Tears gently filled my eyes, rolled down my cheek and then my neck. My heart hurts and feels loved, all at the same time.
Where would they be? Who would they be? So many things going through my mind.
I’m a numbers girl. 26 years without them here. They were 11, 10 and 8 then. They should be 37, 36 and 34 now. 2-22….such a difficult day in my family’s life now. 9,490 days I’ve lived without them. Countless though….are the numbers of people their story has touched….helped….and even saved. I have to include this – not because of anything I’ve done right…but because realizing it – helps me keep going.
Then there is a feeling of guilt. Now…I know and I’ve come to the resolution of knowing I couldn’t have saved them. Maybe that day – but I can’t what if my life like that. My guilt – is more about their brother and sister. They have a more complicated grief. They have grief for someone they never met. Brothers….they didn’t get to meet. They have to watch me go through it but not know more than the stories we’ve shared. They love brothers they never met. They truly love them…and grieve for them…and I don’t really know how to help. I hate that part for them. It feels selfish. I wanted more kiddos but almost didn’t do it…just knowing they would have to deal with this…for the rest of their lives too. Now, watching their grief and sadness…hurts my heart. If you think of them…please say some extra prayers for their hearts today too.
And the feelings of loss….of 26 years of being their mom…stolen from me. It’s so hard to put into words. Of course I get angry when I think about it in that way. Yes, I’m thankful for the years we had. But as a mom – you want to see them grow up – go to school – have all the experiences. I’ve missed all of that. I miss their smiles. I miss their perspectives. I miss their big hugs and love….more than I can even say. I miss the way they loved others too. I miss everything. I miss Cody’s protective nature of me…I miss Cory’s enthusiasm and songs….I miss Caleb’s orneriness….I miss it all. I strain, sometimes, to remember little details. There are no facebook memories in real time. We didn’t have phone cameras to save pics constantly. I don’t have all of that. Sometimes that is okay – sometimes it just isn’t.
And sometimes – I just miss what the world missed out on. I miss who they could have been and the impact they could have made. Their contribution to the world as teens, as men. I do realize they have had a huge contribution though…they have made differences in the story of their short lives. But tbh – I wish it weren’t that way. I wish they could have decided how they wanted to impact the world. I wish that hadn’t been taken away from them.
I’m thankful for friends and family who share today with me. I’m thankful for the strength it has shown us we have. Do I wish that weren’t the case? Yes…yes I do. But I acknowledge it is true. I’m thankful for my sister – who was with me that day – and now hardly a day goes by we don’t talk. Our bond was always strong – but it’s different when you go through this kind of thing together. Her strength has been mine, and mine hers….for so long now. We are intertwined in ways that is more than just being sisters. It is sisters…who’ve gone through hell together…and will hold each other up…in and through anything. I’m thankful for my family – my husband who allows me to be me…to feel how I feel and puts up with the swing of emotions. He feels it with me…he knows…he knew them too. He loved them too. My kids – who through their own grief….always want to make sure I’m okay. They love me through and have been my “why” for a long time now. I’m thankful for friends…who check on me, let me cry….be real…and lift me up no matter what.
I know I have so much to be thankful for….today and always. Today, is just hard. My arms are empty…but my heart is full. My heart hurts and feels loved all at the same time. The juxtaposition of grief and joy is a real thing. It’s that double-edged sword. It’s where my two worlds collide. Today – they just collide like a 9.9 magnitude earthquake.
My Life as a COMMA! 