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18 YEARS!

18 years…..
The time, people say, from birth to adulthood.
The length of time, they say, it takes to make you mature enough or responsible enough to vote and serve our country.

But today…..18 years….is the length of time I’ve lived on this earth without my three sons.

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I’ve tried, really hard, to see this today as a positive thing. My sweet friend, who has also lost a child…calls this anniversary her sweet baby’s “heaven day” and celebrates it as such. I know that is where they are….but I just don’t see this day as that…..

I see this as the day they were taken from me….literally…taken. They weren’t sick and needing to be “completely healed”……I wasn’t sitting at their side…ready to release them. I was just in another town. Away for a couple days….thinking I’d get to come home and our lives…my life…would continue on. I thought I’d be their mommy forever…. I thought I’d get to see them through the teenage years….young adulthood….girls….women….marriages and children.

But I’ve seen none of this. I can’t imagine anything…..except their sweet smiles.

Cody will always and forever be 11 and in 6th grade.
Cory will always and forever be 10 and in 4th grade.
Caleb will always and forever be 8 and in 2nd grade.

THAT …. is my reality.

I can’t express, how today feels. I can’t make anyone understand the way I physically ache….and my heart physically hurts….I just can’t.

I just wanted to curl up in my bed this morning….and as the waves of sorrow washed over me…and I grasped so hard at the second pillow to muffle my crying…my gasping for breath…..I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay there and just be sad all day.

And I thank God for that. As much as it hurts….as much as it makes me feel like I can’t breathe…like my lungs are being drowned, literally, in the sorrowful mourns of a mother having her life ripped out from underneath her…..as much as I want to wrap myself up in a big cocoon and not be a part of the outside world…..

I thank God…because as I was gasping for breath this morning….I also knew…that on the other side of my bedroom door….was another part of my life. On the other side of that door….were two more children…who love me, in spite of how crazy and not-normal I am…..and who need me…to be mom…to be present…in the here and now…in today….and not drown in my yesterdays!

That is a gift from God. All of my children are gifts from Him.

Even though I only got to be a mom to my sweet c3angels for less than what I wanted here on this earth…..I had them. I am oh-so-thankful for that part of my life. I can’t take any part of it away….I can’t ….and I wouldn’t want anything BUT to have had the pleasure of being their mom. I’m still their mom. I still get to share them…by sharing myself and their story with others. I thank God He has strengthened me in a way that I am different….and I can see all of this now!

And I’m mom to two great kids now. I love being a mom. I can’t tell you how much my heart aches for my sweet boys…my angels. But I do know I’m getting to a place in my life where I know they are looking over me and so proud of what I’ve accomplished since they’ve been gone.

I’m blessed. Yes…on the 18th anniversary of my three children’s murder…I can honestly sit here and tell you I’m blessed.

Blessed to be the mommy to five VERY wonderful children!
Blessed to know the love of one wonderful man!
Blessed to have family that love me and support me in everything I do!
Blessed to have friends, far and wide, to support me and pray for me when I don’t feel like I can do this thing called life…on my own!

I have so much to be thankful for! I know this….and yet I’m still sad. But I think that is okay. It’s okay to grieve…it’s okay to to be sad…because it only means…I have loved hard in my life….so I must grieve hard! As one of my friend’s told me…it’s beyond normal! And I’ve not considered myself “normal” for a long time!

I’ll leave you with this…a clip that Oprah didn’t use. It’s my sweet earth angels talking about their brothers…..and it is VERY precious to me.

Thank you for seeing me through…thank you for allowing me to share….thank you for letting me be so real….it means more than you know!

I’ll keep going……and might have 50 more of these “anniversarys” until I see you again…But when I do see you…all three of you…..what a glorious day that will be!!!!!! I love you forever! ~momma

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