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Archive for the ‘Memories…..’ Category

Well…here we are. 20 years since my boys were taken away from me. 20 years past the day I didn’t honestly think I could live through. 20 years have passed and 20 years of life has been lived! …..and yet…I can still see so many things so vividly in my mind….as if it were just yesterday.

In preparing for this anniversary….God placed it on my heart to do something different. You see…I’m VERY private on these days. VERY! I take off work, I stay home…I don’t make phone calls…and I don’t take all the phone calls I receive. I allow my self to “go there”. I give myself permission to go back, to remember….to hurt and cry…and fall apart. I do fall apart…usually pretty hard. I usually wait until my husband and kiddos are gone…and I release it all. I cry out to God….I cry and allow myself to feel the ache…to feel the emptiness. I allow my mind to go to the places I try to keep it from on a daily basis. These are usually the days I reserve for me.

But this time…this time God reminded me of some very true realities.

This…didn’t just happen to me. They weren’t “mine” only. There were other family members, friends, neighbors, schoolmates, teammates, teachers, coaches…..just a lot of other people who also experienced the loss of my wonderful boys. And…there are people that have never met them….didn’t know them while they were here with us on this earth. These people didn’t know them…but they know us…and so they know their story. And..they love us!  And…this being such a momentous anniversary…I needed to do something…something to include everyone.

So, I took it to my kids and hubs to see what we should do. This was at the beginning of February…we talked about it…but then life happened and we got busy…and the next thing we knew…we were about a week away and still hadn’t planned anything. In talking to each of my family…..it seems we all had the same idea. We should do a balloon release to celebrate their lives! We agreed to release blue & silver balloons, the color of their school. Then, where to have it? We talked about the school….or the ball fields where their trees are planted…but ended up deciding on the cemetery. It was decided.

I then created a graphic for each of us to share. I remember my daughter asking if I thought there would be a lot of people there. I said…”maybe”. And by “a lot”…I was thinking 30-40!

Little did I know…this would get bigger than I ever imagined. I wanted to just get together…play some music and release balloons. And that is what we did…but it truly…turned into an event. Not an event I had envisioned…but in looking back…it is exactly the kind of event my heart needed!!!!

In listening to God and opening myself up to others on this day….He did a work and a healing on my heart through others!!! I’m so thankful for His provision!

We had news coverage, 2 professional photographers, friends helping plan, donated balloons…..and friends and family….there to support us.

It was overwhelming…the love I felt.

I told everyone…that 20 years ago…on that awful, dark grey day…I had crawled into the lap of God and let Him hold me. But on this day…..it was their texts, calls, facebook posts, faces and sweet messages that I felt…and it felt just like the arms of God were wrapped around me again! It was them….who gave me my strength. And it wasn’t a dark, grey day at all…. There was a beautiful blue sky, with wispy, angel-winged clouds….that evolved into one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen.




We had close to 150 people gathered to remember…to celebrate the lives of my sweet angels! It was overwhelming to see so many people from so many different facets of my life represented there with me! Seeing the love…and you could truly see love….was more than my heart could have imagined. The hugs I received….were just like the hugs I received 20 years ago today.

20 years ago today was the funeral. I remember it being dark and cold and grey…again. But I also remember staying there….and hugging every single person …..long after the graveside service was over. I remember the hugs…the love…and the way it made me feel supported and that I was not alone. That…is exactly what happened, again….at the balloon release. The hugs…the love….the smiles…the stories…the tears…the presence….of those who loved the boys…of those who love me…and my family…were like raindrops in the desert! They were the salve my wounded heart needed on this anniversary date.

I’m hoping these links work….because if you are reading this…no matter where you are in the world….you are now a part of my story….of their story and I want to share this day with you. I thank you for the time you’ve taken to read my blog…to allow me and my part of His story…to reach into your life. This is a video…of the day I had…of remembering…of loving…and of being loved. These are just some of the small reminders…that God shows up!!! He showed up 20 years ago….and He has continued to show up…through the hands and feet of the people who love HIM!

Click here to watch the coverage from News 9. A big shout-out and thanks to Steve Shaw for being so kind and respectful of my family while covering the event.

And this video is a small representation of the day we had…taken by my sweet friend Mary from ToMorrow’s Memories Photography! Please take a few moments…to watch…to see God…and to thank God…for life…for love…and for each other.

So…if you can still see this…through the tears…I know you are really wonderful and I thank Him for you! I ask that you share…so that others can see the goodness in life after death……in hope after tragedy….in love over hate!! I am asking God to do big things…in and through this day of remembrance! He….has done such a good work through this tragedy…and I know…He is just starting to “show up and show off!”. I’m just praying….I’m strong enough…and up for the ride He has in store!!

There is so much more to share…but for now…this is enough. Until then……………

Much love and thanks! ~c

 

 

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To say today is tough..well..it would be a gross understatement. 

I could never have imagined being here. I could never have imagined living 19 years of my life without 3 of my children! But God knew…..

Remember when I posted about my 28 day journey?..well..today isn’t even day 28…that would be the day of the funeral. I really thought I’d be blogging and walking down a path of remembering…but God knew different. 

In the past 3 weeks my life hasn’t been anything I thought it would. But why does that surprise me? My grandmother unexpectedly went into the ER…and they were actually going to release her…but then her primary doc said to keep her for observation. Six days later…she left this earthly life and went to be with all her loved ones who had left before her! She was ready. But we weren’t. 

Then we were also moving..but it hasn’t gone smoothly…not like I thought. It’s a blessing…this new home…for my family. And I feel a lot of wonderful “new beginnings” here in this place… But quite frankly..it’s hard to start in another place…when so many in my family will never see or be a part of it.

If I think about it…the last 19 years hasn’t been anything I thought it would. I thought I’d get to watch 3 wonderful boys grow up…experience their teens…grow into wonderful men…have families…so much. But I didn’t get what I thought would happen…but once again…I’m reminded.. God knew.

As I awoke this morning my phone was already buzzing and beeping with sweet messages of encouragement and remembrances. Friendships I’m thankful for that help to carry me through. But my morning time with God looked a little different this morning. I usually wake up and thank Him and praise Him for new days…new blessings. But this morning…today…as I acknowledged the newness of today…it also meant I had to thank Him for what today was…what it represented in my life… And to be brutally honest.. I HATE that! To acknewledge His goodness today…means it is good that it is the anniversary of my son’s deaths! It has taken me a long time to be able to do just that…

In my hurt and my emotions I want to cry out…

It’s been 19 years since my sons were murdered! It’s been 19 years since they took their last breath on this earth! It’s been 19 years since I’ve heard their sweet voices and laughter! It’s been 19 years since I’ve been able to put my arms around them and hold them…or hug their necks! I was robbed of their life…of getting to see them grow…that is what happened 19 years ago!!

but what God gently reminds me…is this…

It’s also been 19 years since Jesus walked with them…hand in hand..introducing them into the Kingdom of God. It’s been 19 years since their pain stopped…no more tears…no more pain! 

  
It’s been 19 years since they began true and total worship..among angels and saints..of the one true God! It’s been 19 years since God started carrying me…in my grief and pain..into His path.

For me…it’s been 19 years! Some of it…has been brutal torture on this momma’s heart. 

For them…it’s been less than a blink of an eye in their eternity of glory! 

For my momma’s heart…God has been good. He has blessed me with two more beautiful children. Each of them has placed their trust in Him..so I KNOW our eternities will last forever…together! My heart has hurt…and aches…for there are places in my heart nobody can touch…not even my two kids now.  3 hold..for 3 boys…It is a place my heart holds for them and only them. 

On days like today…I let myself go to those places in my heart that are only theirs. 3 holes…from 3 boys. I let myself remember, feel the happy and sad…the pain and the tears…the hurt and the anguish. But during these days…God always replaces it with truth…..and that truth is that He truly does have a plan for me. Jer. 29:11. And that HE truly does use everything for good. Rom. 8:28. 

He reminds me of my favorite verse… Hab. 1:5. For if He had told me….19 years ago and a day…what was getting ready to happen…what He would ask me to walk through…what HE would carry me through…and that 19 years later I would praise Him…and give thanks for this day…I would have NEVER believed it! 

But what I’ve come to learn and trust is ……. He knows…

Music has ministered to my heart in so many ways…this is by Jeremy Camp.

“He Knows”

All the bitter weary ways

Endless striving day by day

You barely have the strength to pray

In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been

How deep the pain within

Wounds that no one else has seen

Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you’re standing in between

And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows

He knows

Every hurt and every sting

He has walked the suffering

He knows

He knows

Let your burdens come undone

Lift your eyes up to the one

Who knows

He knows

He knows

We may faint and we may sink

Feel the pain and near the brink

But the dark begins to shrink

When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between

one by one are starting to break free.

Every time you feel forsaken

Every time that you feel alone

He is near to the brokenhearted

Every tear

He knows

He knows

Thank you for walking this journey with me..with my family. To watch my children now..how they love..how they remember…I know I am blessed! I hurt…but I will be okay. My heart aches…but those places will continue to heal. I know…beyond a shadow of a doubt..that I will see my children again..spend my eternity with them and all my loved ones…and for that…today…I am thankful!

Much love! ~c

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Welcome to my world…. I know it sounds like the weirdest title ever…but it is truly just a glimpse into my mind in a single week.

The reality is there. I live in the present tense but my mind is constantly in the present and the past …all at the same time.

Last week….those three things were all a part of my reality.

Driving school…..yes…my son is old enough to be in driving school. He attends the classes over Spring Break so he can get his permit the next week! I’ll have a driver….AAACCCKKKKKK!!

Junior High Enrollment…yes…my daughter brought home this envelope with enrollment information for JUNIOR HIGH!!! again…….AAACCCKKKKKK!!!

And then….3 White Caskets…you see…last Wednesday was the anniversary of the day I buried my three boys. All that was going through my mind during part of the week was those white caskets. A friend asked me if I would have done anything different. I only had to think for less than a second. I said there were quite a few things I would have done different.

One of them was the funeral. Not that I would have changed any of it….but I was in such a fog during that time….I just wish that I would have had someone take pictures…or even video the service. There were so many beautiful flowers and all the people there were so kind. I really wish I could share pictures with my kids…of the flowers….of the way we had the pictures of the boys by their caskets….of how we had the things that were special to each of them on or next to the casket. It sounds weird to even type it…but that is what I wish I had….so I could share my “then” with my “now”.

I wish I would have gone to see them again. I only went one time…I only went to see them …….and then I didn’t go back. I know why I did it then….and I know it was just their earthly shell….but I still wish I had gone to spend more time with them when I could still stroke their hair…still talk to them and touch them at the same time…..but I didn’t. And honestly…I wish I had.

Those are thoughts in my head…..and yes…the anniversaries make those thoughts swim in my head at a much higher rate…but they are always there.

Like this week…..it hit me that I was in a place I’ve never been before. It hit me that even though Breanna is, in age, past where all my boys had been in age……in calendar time….I was here. Breanna is in sixth grade…..her sixth grade graduation is coming in May…and …..here I am….in March of her sixth grade year……which is a place in time I never made it to with my boys….and now my baby…is there. Cody, never made it to March of his sixth grade year….that is a very vivid memory I am always very aware of. So, this is another place where I’m here and there….all at the same time again.

I’m totally in uncharted territory….I have been for a while now. I mean, my two kids now are so different than their brothers! But still….kinda the same. But my baby has now outlived the place in time my oldest never saw……..and that is hard. But it’s my reality.

Driving school……is a first…..and I’m going to enjoy this phase of my son’s life!

Junior High…isn’t a first….but she is my only girl…..and my baby! But I plan on enjoying this part of her life!!

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That is where I am people…..I’m in new territory….and I’m enjoying and relishing each part of it…..but it doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t go back…….or that my mind isn’t in both places at the same time. It’s hard. Very hard. I love where I am…but I miss where I would have been….all at the same time.

I read an article today…and it said what I’m experiencing is called “Complicated Grief”…..I think it is more like…..Complicated Survival!

Anyway…just a peak into my mind…that is just a few seconds of it…you should try to LIVE here! HA!

Wherever you are…know that God is with you! That is one constant that helps to keep me sane! Knowing that in my thoughts, both present and past, He is…was…and always will be there! Thanking Him for that…today and always!

Keep moving forward friends! It may only seem like an inch….but that is still progress! Know I love you…but more importantly…know the King of Kings….is MADLY in love with you!

Hope the trip through my mind made you smile…and feel “normal”! Whatever that looks like! 🙂 ~cheli

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18 YEARS!

18 years…..
The time, people say, from birth to adulthood.
The length of time, they say, it takes to make you mature enough or responsible enough to vote and serve our country.

But today…..18 years….is the length of time I’ve lived on this earth without my three sons.

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I’ve tried, really hard, to see this today as a positive thing. My sweet friend, who has also lost a child…calls this anniversary her sweet baby’s “heaven day” and celebrates it as such. I know that is where they are….but I just don’t see this day as that…..

I see this as the day they were taken from me….literally…taken. They weren’t sick and needing to be “completely healed”……I wasn’t sitting at their side…ready to release them. I was just in another town. Away for a couple days….thinking I’d get to come home and our lives…my life…would continue on. I thought I’d be their mommy forever…. I thought I’d get to see them through the teenage years….young adulthood….girls….women….marriages and children.

But I’ve seen none of this. I can’t imagine anything…..except their sweet smiles.

Cody will always and forever be 11 and in 6th grade.
Cory will always and forever be 10 and in 4th grade.
Caleb will always and forever be 8 and in 2nd grade.

THAT …. is my reality.

I can’t express, how today feels. I can’t make anyone understand the way I physically ache….and my heart physically hurts….I just can’t.

I just wanted to curl up in my bed this morning….and as the waves of sorrow washed over me…and I grasped so hard at the second pillow to muffle my crying…my gasping for breath…..I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay there and just be sad all day.

And I thank God for that. As much as it hurts….as much as it makes me feel like I can’t breathe…like my lungs are being drowned, literally, in the sorrowful mourns of a mother having her life ripped out from underneath her…..as much as I want to wrap myself up in a big cocoon and not be a part of the outside world…..

I thank God…because as I was gasping for breath this morning….I also knew…that on the other side of my bedroom door….was another part of my life. On the other side of that door….were two more children…who love me, in spite of how crazy and not-normal I am…..and who need me…to be mom…to be present…in the here and now…in today….and not drown in my yesterdays!

That is a gift from God. All of my children are gifts from Him.

Even though I only got to be a mom to my sweet c3angels for less than what I wanted here on this earth…..I had them. I am oh-so-thankful for that part of my life. I can’t take any part of it away….I can’t ….and I wouldn’t want anything BUT to have had the pleasure of being their mom. I’m still their mom. I still get to share them…by sharing myself and their story with others. I thank God He has strengthened me in a way that I am different….and I can see all of this now!

And I’m mom to two great kids now. I love being a mom. I can’t tell you how much my heart aches for my sweet boys…my angels. But I do know I’m getting to a place in my life where I know they are looking over me and so proud of what I’ve accomplished since they’ve been gone.

I’m blessed. Yes…on the 18th anniversary of my three children’s murder…I can honestly sit here and tell you I’m blessed.

Blessed to be the mommy to five VERY wonderful children!
Blessed to know the love of one wonderful man!
Blessed to have family that love me and support me in everything I do!
Blessed to have friends, far and wide, to support me and pray for me when I don’t feel like I can do this thing called life…on my own!

I have so much to be thankful for! I know this….and yet I’m still sad. But I think that is okay. It’s okay to grieve…it’s okay to to be sad…because it only means…I have loved hard in my life….so I must grieve hard! As one of my friend’s told me…it’s beyond normal! And I’ve not considered myself “normal” for a long time!

I’ll leave you with this…a clip that Oprah didn’t use. It’s my sweet earth angels talking about their brothers…..and it is VERY precious to me.

Thank you for seeing me through…thank you for allowing me to share….thank you for letting me be so real….it means more than you know!

I’ll keep going……and might have 50 more of these “anniversarys” until I see you again…But when I do see you…all three of you…..what a glorious day that will be!!!!!! I love you forever! ~momma

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17 years.

At 2:36 this morning it has been 17 years since my mom took her last breath on this earth…..since she was completely healed of the pain that had overtaken her body. I know at the moment she took her last breath on this earth….and she entered into her eternity….there were tears in my eyes….and nothing but praise…beauty….and joy in hers.

Oh….how jealous I was of her…..even in those first few moments…that she got to see my boys first. How I wanted it to be me…..to see them…to hold them again. But it was her. In her new body. She was running and playing with them…..

I’m so thankful there is no cancer….no pain….no tears….and nothing but joy in heaven for her! I’m sure she ran straight to her father first…then embraced the boys….her mom….and her other loved ones who were there! I know that if she is able to look down on us….on how we’ve lived these past seventeen years without her….she would be proud of the moments we have overcome difficulties….persevered through really tough times….and loved the way we’ve kept going……no.matter.what.

There have been times when I’ve physically ached for her….and wanted so badly to have her here with me. I’ve wanted to share moments with her. I’ve wanted to talk to her…..to hear her voice again. Losing mom…..well…there is nothing like it.

We may not have always seen eye to eye…..or even gotten along all the time. We definitely got on each other’s nerves…..and had differences of opinions….OFTEN! But….there is one thing I always knew…..NO MATTER WHAT….she ALWAYS loved me….and she loved me fiercely! She was tough on me…..and sometimes I didn’t understand it… But it helped to shape me into the strong woman I am today. I didn’t always see her as strong….not when I was growing up. But looking back…she was very strong……

We talked daily…and there were times when there was nothing to say. But I always needed to call her. Just to hear her voice.

It doesn’t matter how old you get…you’ll always want to have your mom around. I don’t think there will ever be a time when I don’t miss her….or wish she were here.

I can’t believe all of the great things she has missed out on…my kids….my sister and her family….our ups and downs. It is hard to think we have lived as much life as we have without her being here with us. But that is exactly what we’ve done. We’ve lived. We kept going….even when it was hard and we didn’t want to….we did.

Part of it is because of who she helped us to become. She wasn’t perfect…..but then again…we aren’t either. Being a mom……makes me miss her even more. Being a mom to a girl….makes me think back on all the times I rolled my eyes at her…and how now I know just how she felt! 😉

17 years…..without my mom. Hard to imagine.

As I sit here today…watching the snow…thinking of her….I remember love. Her smile….her laugh….. I remember the way that, even as an adult, I would lay my head in her lap and she would stroke my hair and talk to me….and the comfort that gave me. Today….I celebrate you mom…..I’m so thankful for you….and everything you did for me….for us. I still love you….and I can’t wait to join you in heaven!

Until then….I’ll be here…working hard to continue to make you proud!
All my love….
~cheli

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Yes…you read that right….I’m the mom of a 29 year old boy!

It’s hard to believe that it has been 29 years since Cody came into my life! He was born with brown eyes…and they continued to show me love for the entire 11 years he spent on this earth with me! They could definitely melt this momma’s heart.

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When I looked at this picture I just sobbed because I miss these eyes….and that smile…more than words can describe.

There are so many things that are spinning through my head about this birthday……

You see…..

Today my oldest would turn 29…….
I was 29 when I lost him.

Today was Bryce & Breanna’s last day of school…….
Cody was born on the last day of my junior year.

Cody was 11 and in sixth grade when he died…….
Breanna is 11 and getting ready to start her sixth grade year.

Cody…..my oldest….
Breanna….my youngest.

So many other things fill my thoughts and swirl around in my head. Sometimes it is hard to be still…and be quiet…because of where my mind will take me.

But I must remember what a blessed momma I’ve been! The past 29 years….have been filled with joy and sorrow! Being a mom has been the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But definitely ….. it has all been worth it.

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I remember so vividly the day Cody was born! I remember the feeling of being a mom on that first day! I remember the way he looked up at me…..and how he stole my heart. I was such a baby still myself, but I knew I would always love and protect him.

Protect him……..but I didn’t. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t able to stop what happened….and for that….I’ve had to work really hard to overcome my “survivor’s guilt”
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Just because I wasn’t there that day…doesn’t mean it might not have happened on a different date. And even if I had been there….doesn’t mean I could have stopped it. That …… has been hard. It still jumps up and tries to grab me….tries to make me feel guilty…..but…that is the enemy fighting against me and the plan God has to continue my life……to continue my purpose.

Cody and I had such a special bond. We talked…..so much. This part of him reminds me of Bryce. Cody was very protective of me….as is Bryce. He loved my fiercely…..as does Bryce. He just had a way with people. A way to put them at ease with what was going on around them. When he would smile at you with that big grin…..oh GOD HOW I MISS THAT SMILE!!!!! He would light up any room just with his smile and his attitude.

What I want people to do now…..in remembrance of my sweet baby……is to be real with the people around them! If someone’s smile lights up the room….and makes your day just a bit brighter…tell them! If you respect someone who walks away when things get difficult instead of fighting or being a part of drama….tell them! Or even better…walk away with them! If someone impacts your life…just tell them.

The reason I say all of this is because when Cody and I would talk….he would tell me how he felt so alone. He would say he didn’t have any friends because he was “different”. He thought others made fun of him for being different. But……after he died…..almost ALL of his friends wrote me and told me how much they admired him for walking away from a fight. They told me about his smile…and how he was friends with EVERYONE! I remember crying in the hallway outside his room the night he shared with me about how he was hurt. I cried because I didn’t want my baby to hurt…..but also because I was SO PROUD of him for being different! I wish he had known the impact he made on the lives around him. I want him to know how proud it made me to read those letters…and how sad I was that he felt so alone…when really…he wasn’t.

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I know….without a doubt…..Cody was different because he loved Jesus! He loved his friends and wanted them to know about Christ and the sacrifice He made for them. He invited his friends to church and to church camp. I often wonder if he would have been a missionary of some kind. He was so kind, so gentle….so caring. He would have truly been a blessing to anyone he came in contact with.

But you know what I’ve realized…..?

My son IS a missionary. He IS changing peoples’ lives. He IS still caring about others.

HOW? you might ask…… Because I’m his momma….and I know that God left me here to fulfill a purpose. Part of that purpose is to share about Cody and his brothers. He wants me to share about their life…and their deaths. He wants me to share about how He has carried me through all the ups and downs of the past 29 years….and how much He has loved me during this time.

Cody’s mission work continues in and through me! But without him…..I wouldn’t be doing it. Without HIM….I wouldn’t be strong enough. Without the story of Cody…..making me a mom…..and then living such a beautiful….but short life…..I wouldn’t be on the mission field that I am on now. So once again…..I’m thankful for him….and that I “get”….to be his mom.

I miss Cody Brian…..more than my words can express. That part of my heart that he stole….29 years ago this afternoon….at 2:55 pm….he took with him to heaven. My heart won’t be whole….until I see him…..and his brothers again. So glad my eternity will be with him. So glad…God chose me to be his mom.

Cody….you continue to make me better. You continue to push me….to try to make you proud of me. I will…until I see you again…continue the mission of showing others how much they are loved…and how good life can be!

Until we meet again….and our eternity will be together! Loving you!
~momma

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I miss my momma………

Sixteen years ago today was a day, weather wise, much like today. Windy….chilly but not really cold.. Cloudy…overcast….not much sun.
Sixteen years ago today I was putting up the Thanksgiving decorations. Not because Thanksgiving was already over….actually it hadn’t even happened yet….but because we just didn’t feel “festive”.
Sixteen years ago today I helped make calls that I knew were coming….but never wanted to make.
Sixteen years ago today I said goodbye to my mom’s earthly body and wept because in those first few moments, minutes, hours…..I already missed her.
Sixteen years ago today I felt jealous of her…..because she was the first to get to see my boys in heaven.
Sixteen years ago today I felt loss and relief at the very same moment. I lost my mom. I knew I’d never get to call her again or talk with her or celebrate anything in my life with her again! But at the same time…I knew she wasn’t hurting any more. Her pain had become more than any of us could tolerate…especially her. I am thankful she is completely healed in her new body!!
Sixteen years ago today I started mourning the “never woulds”….. Mom “never would” make it to mine and Bryan’s wedding. Mom “never would” see my beautiful sister get married. Mom “never would” see me with my children now. Mom “never would” see that she finally had a granddaughter. Mom “never would” see my sister and myself as successful business women. Mom “never would” see so much…………..
or would she????
This morning I awoke with that same double edged sword of feelings….Sorrow of missing her and joy knowing she was somehow watching over me and my family. Today is my son’s first wrestling tournament ever!! As I prayed for him I smiled knowing she would be watching over him. I smile knowing she is watching over me…over all of us who loved her and are still here.
As I hugged my sweet daughter this morning and just relished the moment and the feeling and bond between mother and daughter, the tears started to fall.
I miss my momma.
I miss her smile.
I miss her hugs.
I miss our talks.
I miss her….everything.
It never goes away. I will never be too old to wish I had my mom with me. There is never a milestone or a day that goes by I didn’t wish she were still here.
The holidays are a difficult time….she was so all about the holidays. It is hard some times to get into that holiday spirit and get excited…. But I do….for her….my my boys…for my sweet family now……and for me.
I will never stop missing her. I will never stop thinking of her.
But I will go on and continue to live the best life I can on this earth…..partly…..because of her!

I love you momma. You told me once you would love me until you took your dying breath…..and I will love you until I take mine….

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