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Hard Times…My Two Worlds are Colliding!!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2015| 2 Comments »

It’s hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head right now. To say my two worlds are colliding….would be a gross understatement!! I can’t even make sense of it all right now…..all I know…is I’m one big, heaping mess of emotions.

Let me try to explain.

This is the last week of elementary school for my sweet daughter. She is my baby…so this is definitely an emotional time for me. But, the fact her three oldest brothers never experienced this part of life…makes the emotions compound. Cody, my oldest, made it to sixth grade…but never to his sixth grade graduation. Sis has her ceremony next Tuesday. The last day of school is next Wednesday. So we are officially in the last week of our elementary time…..ever. 

I’m so proud of my sweet baby girl. She is simply beautiful….and her heart shines brighter with each passing day. Our conversations amaze me and I love the simplicity of her heart. The innocence she still possesses yet the growth she is experiencing is a blessing to watch! She is maturing…day to day I see changes in her…and she isn’t a baby any more. Although, this morning, while trying to wake her…I tickled her to the point of her crawling into my lap…..where she laid her head on my shoulder…and just let me hold her…and rock her. We stayed there for quite a while…  I relished every second. I asked her if she will still crawl in my lap when she is grown and let me rock her. She said she would….though I don’t think it will happen often. These are moments my heart will forever treasure!! She will always be my baby girl. No matter what.

Then…there is my son. We are actively looking for a vehicle for him to have. He turns sixteen soon and will be driving himself…and his little sister…to school….and everywhere. In the last couple weeks….he has amazed me with some of the paths he is considering for his life. To say I love the times when the two of us talk…just wouldn’t describe the joy this boy brings to my life. He is the rainbow…the promise…the continuation of my parenting a boy through life. At this point….I couldn’t compare him to his brothers…even if I wanted to. But I don’t even try. He is so much his own person. His voice is deep and I love to hear it. His smile is huge….(now that is like his brothers though!!) He is evolving into a young man…with an awesome heart…right in front of me. This will be his last week with his friends at his school before starting his new adventure in school in July. 

His heart though….wow. Let me share.

Like I said, we’ve been searching for cars (trucks) for a bit now. He sends me or tags me pics and stuff he finds quite often…so last week when I received a text with a pic…all I saw was …”What do you think?” and that it had a pic attached. I was in a meeting when I received it so I waited to open it. Thinking it was another truck…I opened it. What I saw…..well……it was a hand-written note. I sat alone in a glass room at the conference table and read. My eyes began to “leak” and then full blown cry. 

A few weeks back…he had asked what Cody’s favorite color was. I told him it was blue. ….. and asked him why. He said just wonderin. Okay……

Fast forward to my text….this is what the hand written note said, with my corrections in ( ).

             “C3 – About 17 years ago (actually it’s over 18 years) my mom was married to another man. Toghether they had 3 sons, Cody, Cory and Caleb ages 12 (11), 10 and 8. The dad (he used his name) had some mental issues. (how else would a child consider why he did what he did?) My mom, Cheli, had divorced him. One day my mom went to my aunt’s Graduation (she was in college…but it wasn’t graduation..just a visit) So the boys went to stay with their dad. On February 22, 1997  he (his name) called Cheli and while on the phone with her he shot and killed Cody, Cory and Caleb . Then a couple seconds later he shot himself. (Actually, he only shot himself while on the phone with me…the boys were already gone.)

               To this day there is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about them. On Saturday, May, 23, 2015…Cody Brian Fox would have been 30 years old. So….to honor him will everyone please wear a blue colored shirt (Cody’s favorite!) and put it on social media with #REMEMBERCODY.

                        PLEASE RETWEET/SHARE THIS.”

Yes…all on his own…he wanted to honor his brother…who he never even got to meet. I can’t begin to express what this did to my heart. Tonight…we’ll be tweaking this a bit and he will put it on his fb and instagram. My mommy’s heart is full and exploding all while it breaks at the same time. 

My daughter is also counting down the days until her brother’s birthday. I’ve taken off work…we’ll be together to celebrate.

Yes…my first born would be 30 this Saturday. Yes…my heart longs for the what would it be like? Where would he be? Who would he be with? Where would he work? Would he have kids? …..all of those things travel through my mind. If I allowed it to go on….I could easily see myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depressed pit. It would be hard to bring me out of it. 

But God, in His all-knowing wisdom…gave me a great family! A husband that loves me in all my crazy moods and spoils me rotten….. A son who let me into his world and understands the complexities of my heart…. A daughter who is my baby and lets me love her and guide her as she grows and teaches me more than she realizes!! They are my focus and help me balance the heart-wrenching feelings I feel….while loving and being a part of their world. They get me. They know how messed up I am…how fragile my emotions are….that sometimes mom needs an extra hug and to just hold them close for a bit longer. They accept my crazy and embrace it. They are what God gave me to help keep me grounded. They….love me. And I love them.

I don’t know how I lucked out on having five gloriously happy….wonderful…caring children!! But wow….as I sit here and watch my two worlds collide…once again…..I’m reminded just how blessed I am. Continually….undeservingly…..blessed. That’s the only way I know to describe it.

So, as I struggle for the next week or so….through this massive collision…..please pray for my family…

And if you think about it…… Please wear blue and #REMEMBERCODY

And…….don’t forget to smile. My children all have the biggest smiles. All of Cody’s friends commented on his smile…after he was gone…they remembered his smile. He was generous with it…always giving. It made others smile…..and there is just something about giving your smile away. So please…share a smile with someone…and remember my sweet boy. All my kids really…..

Much love and thanks…smiles too! 🙂 

enjoy the pics….~c

  

  
  

  
 

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Happy 29th to my Brown Eyed Boy!!

Posted in Memories....., tagged , , , on May 23, 2014| 2 Comments »

Yes…you read that right….I’m the mom of a 29 year old boy!

It’s hard to believe that it has been 29 years since Cody came into my life! He was born with brown eyes…and they continued to show me love for the entire 11 years he spent on this earth with me! They could definitely melt this momma’s heart.

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When I looked at this picture I just sobbed because I miss these eyes….and that smile…more than words can describe.

There are so many things that are spinning through my head about this birthday……

You see…..

Today my oldest would turn 29…….
I was 29 when I lost him.

Today was Bryce & Breanna’s last day of school…….
Cody was born on the last day of my junior year.

Cody was 11 and in sixth grade when he died…….
Breanna is 11 and getting ready to start her sixth grade year.

Cody…..my oldest….
Breanna….my youngest.

So many other things fill my thoughts and swirl around in my head. Sometimes it is hard to be still…and be quiet…because of where my mind will take me.

But I must remember what a blessed momma I’ve been! The past 29 years….have been filled with joy and sorrow! Being a mom has been the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But definitely ….. it has all been worth it.

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I remember so vividly the day Cody was born! I remember the feeling of being a mom on that first day! I remember the way he looked up at me…..and how he stole my heart. I was such a baby still myself, but I knew I would always love and protect him.

Protect him……..but I didn’t. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t able to stop what happened….and for that….I’ve had to work really hard to overcome my “survivor’s guilt”
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Just because I wasn’t there that day…doesn’t mean it might not have happened on a different date. And even if I had been there….doesn’t mean I could have stopped it. That …… has been hard. It still jumps up and tries to grab me….tries to make me feel guilty…..but…that is the enemy fighting against me and the plan God has to continue my life……to continue my purpose.

Cody and I had such a special bond. We talked…..so much. This part of him reminds me of Bryce. Cody was very protective of me….as is Bryce. He loved my fiercely…..as does Bryce. He just had a way with people. A way to put them at ease with what was going on around them. When he would smile at you with that big grin…..oh GOD HOW I MISS THAT SMILE!!!!! He would light up any room just with his smile and his attitude.

What I want people to do now…..in remembrance of my sweet baby……is to be real with the people around them! If someone’s smile lights up the room….and makes your day just a bit brighter…tell them! If you respect someone who walks away when things get difficult instead of fighting or being a part of drama….tell them! Or even better…walk away with them! If someone impacts your life…just tell them.

The reason I say all of this is because when Cody and I would talk….he would tell me how he felt so alone. He would say he didn’t have any friends because he was “different”. He thought others made fun of him for being different. But……after he died…..almost ALL of his friends wrote me and told me how much they admired him for walking away from a fight. They told me about his smile…and how he was friends with EVERYONE! I remember crying in the hallway outside his room the night he shared with me about how he was hurt. I cried because I didn’t want my baby to hurt…..but also because I was SO PROUD of him for being different! I wish he had known the impact he made on the lives around him. I want him to know how proud it made me to read those letters…and how sad I was that he felt so alone…when really…he wasn’t.

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I know….without a doubt…..Cody was different because he loved Jesus! He loved his friends and wanted them to know about Christ and the sacrifice He made for them. He invited his friends to church and to church camp. I often wonder if he would have been a missionary of some kind. He was so kind, so gentle….so caring. He would have truly been a blessing to anyone he came in contact with.

But you know what I’ve realized…..?

My son IS a missionary. He IS changing peoples’ lives. He IS still caring about others.

HOW? you might ask…… Because I’m his momma….and I know that God left me here to fulfill a purpose. Part of that purpose is to share about Cody and his brothers. He wants me to share about their life…and their deaths. He wants me to share about how He has carried me through all the ups and downs of the past 29 years….and how much He has loved me during this time.

Cody’s mission work continues in and through me! But without him…..I wouldn’t be doing it. Without HIM….I wouldn’t be strong enough. Without the story of Cody…..making me a mom…..and then living such a beautiful….but short life…..I wouldn’t be on the mission field that I am on now. So once again…..I’m thankful for him….and that I “get”….to be his mom.

I miss Cody Brian…..more than my words can express. That part of my heart that he stole….29 years ago this afternoon….at 2:55 pm….he took with him to heaven. My heart won’t be whole….until I see him…..and his brothers again. So glad my eternity will be with him. So glad…God chose me to be his mom.

Cody….you continue to make me better. You continue to push me….to try to make you proud of me. I will…until I see you again…continue the mission of showing others how much they are loved…and how good life can be!

Until we meet again….and our eternity will be together! Loving you!
~momma

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Remembering…15 years ago…with hope…

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on February 22, 2012| 9 Comments »

My sweet babies!!

 I can’t even believe that it has been 15 years since my babies were here.  I can’t believe I have lived so much more life since they left this earth than they were able to spend here with me.  I can’t even put into words how much my heart hurts right now….and always.  I can’t describe the pain and hurt I feel…..the aching to be with them.  Just to hug them….one. more. time.

I remember that morning….

5:15

That is what the clock read when I picked up the phone.  I still have a difficult time looking at clocks when they read this time.  This is the time I knew something was wrong….but I just didn’t know yet exactly what that was.  I spent the next hour….making calls….praying…trying to figure out….because I knew that something just. wasn’t. right.

6:15

This is when my dad called us back.  I remember watching my sister’s face to see if I could see anything in her expression to let me know what was going on.  Then as she handed the phone to me….I remember Daddy saying, “Cheli, the police just came and the boys are gone.”  And then I remember, with the hope of a mommy who loves her babies so much….thinking….and saying, “Oh good……do they think….they know….where he took them?”.  It was then that dad had to tell me the whole truth.  It was then…..I raged….and then fell.  It is the next little while…I don’t remember feeling…or much of anything.  I don’t remember getting into my van…..or reaching for the clothes they had left…..All I remember is looking out the window…and thinking I didn’t know why we were even going back to Okc….I mean….I didn’t have anything left.  I was just…..numb.

I don’t know where we were in the trip home..but I remember something happening.  I remember God speaking to me and realizing that my babies were okay. They were in heaven…..WITH GOD.  I knew they didn’t hurt…they had no sadness….no sorrow.  Only joy.  As a mom….that is all you can hope for….. is KNOWING your babies are okay.  Knowing they are safe.  For me, knowing they were in the arms of our Heavenly Father….was what gave me hope.  I woke up.  I woke up to the fact that I was still here.  I still had things to do.  I had to show others the hope that I had.  The hope in Him that if we are still here….we have a purpose.  The hope of knowing when our loved ones are gone……if we are followers of Christ….we will all be reunited for eternity.  This is what woke me up and gave me a new purpose.

I mean….look at these faces….

They LOVED life! They gave it their everything….every day!

They had fun!  But even their short life wasn’t always easy.  There were some very dark and difficult times.  But if you remember…or knew my boys at all…you’ll remember that no matter where they were…or how bad things were in their lives….they were always smiling!!!  Their smiles…..showed HOPE.  Their hope….I know for a fact….was in HIM!  If those sweet boys….could smile through anything….then this momma….will always do the same!  You have no idea how much I want to make them proud.  Usually it is the other way around.  It is usually the child that wants to please the parent and make them proud.  But for me….I just want to show them….that in my time left here without them…I was able to smile.  Through the pain…and the tears…I continue to smile.  Not because it is easy….but because that is what they would have done.

Cody’s friends and teachers talked about his smile.  They talked about how it lighted up a room.  I miss that…. more than I can express.

Cory’s friends and teachers also talked about his smile.  How he loved to smile and perform.  I miss that…..so bad it hurts.

Caby’s friends loved his smile.  It was so fun and mischevious.

I miss that…..more every day.

But I have hope.  Allow me to share the scripture that was in the funeral brochure.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand,.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he ahs given us.”      Romans 5:1-5

This is it.  FAITH. HOPE. and LOVE.

As angry as I get….at what happened…at the fact I will never get to see my babies grow up…..never get to see who they would have become….never get to experience so many of the milestones with them….never get to be a Gramma….never get to do A LOT of things……  As angry as all that makes me….  I have hope. That is what woke me up 15 years ago today.  The hope that I am still here and have so much more.  The hope that my still being here on this earth….means that I have to fulfill my purpose…and show others that hope.  The hope that through my smile…..others see my boys.  The hope…that one day…we will ALL walk together again…into and for eternity!

That is where my hope lies.  15 years ago…for a brief time…I lost hope.  But then God reminded me….He is still on the throne….and He is holding my sweet boys…. and keeping them safe…until I can hold them again too.

For so many, not just myself, this day 15 years ago…changed a part of their life.  There were so many affected.  So many that hurt.  So many, that even today, remember.  Please do me the honor of leaving a memory here….. and please….sweet friends and family….know that there is always hope.  God not only holds my boys in His hands…but he is holding each one of us every moment of every day.  Some days…for me…it is a moment by moment thing..just getting by.  It is then I crawl into His lap to cry. He lets me be sad and understands my tears.  He holds me and comforts like no one else can.

So today….as I allow myself to be sad….and miss the sweet smiles of my angels…let me leave you with this.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Be thankful and kind to those around you.  You never know it….but your smile and kindness could be the hope they need to keep going….just one more day.

Forever remembering…..until the memories unfold into eternity with you!

I love you all … my sweet c3angels!    ~mommy

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