Posts Tagged ‘birthday’

Not gonna lie – today has been hard….for many reasons.

First – today is my mom’s birthday. This alone is hard….

But today – I sat with my friend as her momma heart broke. I watched as she did one of the hardest things ever – as a mom. Her child is an adult – but still her momma heart broke. As I held her and let her cry – and breakdown…she told me her momma heart was broken. But then….then she said something profound……

What she said is, “It doesn’t hurt for me, it hurts for him.” And….as I’ve pondered this thought all day, it has made me reflect on my own thoughts of my kids, and of my momma and all she endured through us…and also of so many of my momma friends…as I’ve watched the seasons of motherhood change and be difficult for each of them.

I have momma friends who have watched a child through a serious illness….and recover. And I’ve watched as some of them had to say goodbye to their child. Some, have had difficulties with children’s behaviors. Others, have guided children through tough times and seen them get better….while some haven’t gotten better. Some are parenting a child/children through special needs….and more than just a parent to them, but an advocate for them! So many times though….there is one thing that remains…..

A mother’s love…never changes….never waivers…never goes away.

I thought of the times my own mother held me. I thought of the day my boys died – she was in the hospital….and checked herself out…after hearing the news…so she could be at home when I got there. She left her own pain in the background to tend to mine. She held pillows against her as I laid my head in her lap and she stroked my hair and held me through my tears. Her pain – wasn’t as painful – as the pain….her heart was feeling for me. I didn’t think of it in this way at the time….all I knew was I needed my momma.

That is what we, as moms, do. We feel for our kids. We see the possibilities in them…..at every age. We want more for them….than we ever had. We dream big dreams for them…and teach them how to dream for themselves. We are their biggest cheerleaders and their most loyal fans. Yet, we are also the ones they are the meanest to, when their world is falling apart. When they have unknown and crazy emotions, we are the ones they take it out on. We are their safe place as young children…..and as they grow into young adults. But being their safe place looks so very different at those ages.

As young kiddos hurt themselves or are hurt by others, our children run to us. They run into the safest place they know – momma’s arms. We kiss their boo-boos and place bandaids on every scrape. We take care of them, in every way possible. There are things we do they never realize – they just know they trust that mom will make everything okay!

Until they think that we are the ones that make everything NOT okay. When they are trying to become more independent – they seem to think we are the ones who make their life more difficult. We are still their safe place, but now….that means we are the ones they release their emotions onto. It took me a long time to realize this is truly because we are their safe place and NOT because they hate us! It is truly because they know there is NOTHING that can make us stop loving them. It is because they are so confused with life and their own feelings that we are where the release happens – and they don’t even always know why.

Then there is when they become adults and don’t quite “need” us as much any more. This phase can be difficult still….yet also beautiful. At this stage I can actually have my child as a friend. A close person to share life with – in a different way than before.

But with this phase also comes more difficult roads. From my years on this earth, I’ve gained wisdom my children do not yet have. I see things around the corner for them if behavior continues. I see things and I cannot always tell them….because I have to let them live their life – so they are able to gain the same kind of wisdom my life has afforded me.

But sometimes – many times – it hurts. It hurts a momma’s heart to watch our babies hurt. To watch them be scared and no longer be able to hold their hand and make everything okay.

A momma’s heart is probably the strongest thing on earth. We are confidantes….counselors….nurses….teachers….warriors. We will fight for our babies, no matter what. Our hearts have to be strong. We hurt, when our babies hurt. We hurt, when we can’t make it better, or fix the situation. We have to be strong, because that is what a momma does.

Today, I celebrate my momma. Happy Birthday momma. I’ve missed you all these years. I’ve missed our daily talks, our crazy relationship nobody else could/would understand. I thank you, for all the times, I now realize, your heart hurt for me. It wasn’t hurting for you, it was for me.

I see this….I feel this.

I know every mom feels this.

We want the world for our kiddos. We would lay down our own lives for them.

And when our momma hearts hurt….it isn’t for us….it’s for them.

Today, on my momma’s birthday, I was reminded of a mother’s love. It is fierce. It is strong. It is unwavering. There is nothing on this earth quite like it. It is how I imagine God loves…..

Today – I’m thankful for a mother’s love. I’m thankful for my mother. I see who she was and what she did for me…now more than ever. I’m thankful for my children and for being a mother. It is like no other “job” in the world. One I wouldn’t give up…ever. I’m thankful for all those I get to be “Momma Cheli” to. I love each and every single one who calls me this as my own…and my heart and love is as a true momma. I’m thankful for so many momma friends. The things I’ve learned from so many of you, as you have let me come alongside you as you raise your children….as I watch your family unfold through social media….and as you share with me the real struggles and triumphs….are unending and so appreciated.

Thank you, for loving me through this journey. Let’s remember we all love…and are trying. None of us are perfect…the only perfection in us is in the love of our hearts for our children. There truly is nothing quite like…a mother’s love.


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It’s hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head right now. To say my two worlds are colliding….would be a gross understatement!! I can’t even make sense of it all right now…..all I know…is I’m one big, heaping mess of emotions.

Let me try to explain.

This is the last week of elementary school for my sweet daughter. She is my baby…so this is definitely an emotional time for me. But, the fact her three oldest brothers never experienced this part of life…makes the emotions compound. Cody, my oldest, made it to sixth grade…but never to his sixth grade graduation. Sis has her ceremony next Tuesday. The last day of school is next Wednesday. So we are officially in the last week of our elementary time…..ever. 

I’m so proud of my sweet baby girl. She is simply beautiful….and her heart shines brighter with each passing day. Our conversations amaze me and I love the simplicity of her heart. The innocence she still possesses yet the growth she is experiencing is a blessing to watch! She is maturing…day to day I see changes in her…and she isn’t a baby any more. Although, this morning, while trying to wake her…I tickled her to the point of her crawling into my lap…..where she laid her head on my shoulder…and just let me hold her…and rock her. We stayed there for quite a while…  I relished every second. I asked her if she will still crawl in my lap when she is grown and let me rock her. She said she would….though I don’t think it will happen often. These are moments my heart will forever treasure!! She will always be my baby girl. No matter what.

Then…there is my son. We are actively looking for a vehicle for him to have. He turns sixteen soon and will be driving himself…and his little sister…to school….and everywhere. In the last couple weeks….he has amazed me with some of the paths he is considering for his life. To say I love the times when the two of us talk…just wouldn’t describe the joy this boy brings to my life. He is the rainbow…the promise…the continuation of my parenting a boy through life. At this point….I couldn’t compare him to his brothers…even if I wanted to. But I don’t even try. He is so much his own person. His voice is deep and I love to hear it. His smile is huge….(now that is like his brothers though!!) He is evolving into a young man…with an awesome heart…right in front of me. This will be his last week with his friends at his school before starting his new adventure in school in July. 

His heart though….wow. Let me share.

Like I said, we’ve been searching for cars (trucks) for a bit now. He sends me or tags me pics and stuff he finds quite often…so last week when I received a text with a pic…all I saw was …”What do you think?” and that it had a pic attached. I was in a meeting when I received it so I waited to open it. Thinking it was another truck…I opened it. What I saw…..well……it was a hand-written note. I sat alone in a glass room at the conference table and read. My eyes began to “leak” and then full blown cry. 

A few weeks back…he had asked what Cody’s favorite color was. I told him it was blue. ….. and asked him why. He said just wonderin. Okay……

Fast forward to my text….this is what the hand written note said, with my corrections in ( ).

             “C3 – About 17 years ago (actually it’s over 18 years) my mom was married to another man. Toghether they had 3 sons, Cody, Cory and Caleb ages 12 (11), 10 and 8. The dad (he used his name) had some mental issues. (how else would a child consider why he did what he did?) My mom, Cheli, had divorced him. One day my mom went to my aunt’s Graduation (she was in college…but it wasn’t graduation..just a visit) So the boys went to stay with their dad. On February 22, 1997  he (his name) called Cheli and while on the phone with her he shot and killed Cody, Cory and Caleb . Then a couple seconds later he shot himself. (Actually, he only shot himself while on the phone with me…the boys were already gone.)

               To this day there is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about them. On Saturday, May, 23, 2015…Cody Brian Fox would have been 30 years old. So….to honor him will everyone please wear a blue colored shirt (Cody’s favorite!) and put it on social media with #REMEMBERCODY.

                        PLEASE RETWEET/SHARE THIS.”

Yes…all on his own…he wanted to honor his brother…who he never even got to meet. I can’t begin to express what this did to my heart. Tonight…we’ll be tweaking this a bit and he will put it on his fb and instagram. My mommy’s heart is full and exploding all while it breaks at the same time. 

My daughter is also counting down the days until her brother’s birthday. I’ve taken off work…we’ll be together to celebrate.

Yes…my first born would be 30 this Saturday. Yes…my heart longs for the what would it be like? Where would he be? Who would he be with? Where would he work? Would he have kids? …..all of those things travel through my mind. If I allowed it to go on….I could easily see myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depressed pit. It would be hard to bring me out of it. 

But God, in His all-knowing wisdom…gave me a great family! A husband that loves me in all my crazy moods and spoils me rotten….. A son who let me into his world and understands the complexities of my heart…. A daughter who is my baby and lets me love her and guide her as she grows and teaches me more than she realizes!! They are my focus and help me balance the heart-wrenching feelings I feel….while loving and being a part of their world. They get me. They know how messed up I am…how fragile my emotions are….that sometimes mom needs an extra hug and to just hold them close for a bit longer. They accept my crazy and embrace it. They are what God gave me to help keep me grounded. They….love me. And I love them.

I don’t know how I lucked out on having five gloriously happy….wonderful…caring children!! But wow….as I sit here and watch my two worlds collide…once again…..I’m reminded just how blessed I am. Continually….undeservingly…..blessed. That’s the only way I know to describe it.

So, as I struggle for the next week or so….through this massive collision…..please pray for my family…

And if you think about it…… Please wear blue and #REMEMBERCODY

And…….don’t forget to smile. My children all have the biggest smiles. All of Cody’s friends commented on his smile…after he was gone…they remembered his smile. He was generous with it…always giving. It made others smile…..and there is just something about giving your smile away. So please…share a smile with someone…and remember my sweet boy. All my kids really…..

Much love and thanks…smiles too! 🙂 

enjoy the pics….~c




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