Here I am again…It seems these are the times I blog. The words on the page…are just therapy for my hurting heart. I haven’t wanted to blog much lately. I just told a friend yesterday I just want “to be”. To be present in my now…to not feel any pressure to be so uplifting in my own grief…to be able to not wonder how or what I’m going to write.
But here I am…I turn to this to release my emotions…to be real…to remember…to feel. The keyboard is a safe place for me to pound out my raw feelings…to be honest with myself about where I am….where I am not…where I want to be…and where I can’t be…all at the same time.
I’ve tried to not dwell on what today means. I’ve even been intentional on trying to NOT think about …..the fact my second child, my sweet Cory….should be having a glorious 30th birthday celebration today…. Maybe I would be in cahoots with his wife to throw him a surprise party! Maybe I would be flying somewhere to surprise him….. Maybe….maybe…..maybe…..
But I’m not….doing any of it. So part of me just wants to not.do.anything.
But my soul isn’t like that. As I sit on my back patio…with coffee and iPad….I just can’t do it! I can’t act like today isn’t a special day! I can’t act like today doesn’t hurt. My iHeart radio is playing in the background. I’m worshiping….and crying…and hurting….and smiling at the funny memories….and OH.SO.THANKFUL I got to be the mommy to such a sweet….wonderful….loving…outgoing…singing-all-the-time…laughing…did I mention loving?….hungry ALWAYS….smart….funny….just an all around GREAT kid!!
So….I am sitting here…tears are blurring my vision…I’m physically shaking… I sent a text to work today…told them to put me down for a “sick day”. The reply….”I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I hope you get better soon.” Well….how do I say….I’ll be fine tomorrow? Maybe not really …. Fine…..but I’ll be better. How do I know this? Because it won’t be Sept. 2nd any more! Because the only real part of me that is sick….is my heart. My heart hurts. For those of you that have never experienced grief….it can manifest as a physical pain. It is indescribable…so I won’t try. Just know…it hurts…it aches…it is all the way to your core…and sometimes..you just can’t shake it.
30….10 here with me….and almost 20 in heaven.
How I long for the day I am there with you and can hold you again. My arms ache for your hugs….my eyes long to see your smiling face…my ears yearn to hear your beautiful voice singing praises….. I just want to be with you again.
Sweet Cory….today I celebrate you. I would never give up the pain I feel today….because it means I once had you here with me. I only hurt because I loved you so deeply. I am so proud to be your mom. But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I never thought I would be the one left here to carry on your legacy! But…really…who am I kidding? When you were here….I don’t think I even knew what “leaving a legacy” truly meant. Just something else you have taught me since you’ve been gone. You see…I met Jesus shortly after you were born…You and your brothers…taught me about “childlike” faith. But truly…it’s since you’ve been gone I have learned about faith…what truly relying on God looks like…and allowing Him to carry my burden…so I don’t cave from the weight of it. You would never want me to give up….which is one of the biggest reasons I haven’t. You showed me how to love….to laugh…and to enjoy life. I know you wouldn’t want me to stop doing those things …just because you aren’t here with me. I feel you….I can’t touch you ..physically…but you are here with me….
Like this past week when I was talking to your sister. She has a beautiful voice…just like you! But…she doesn’t share it with others like you! So we were talking about it…and she told me she thinks she is most like you. I cna’t tell you how this made my heart burst…with joy and pain…all at the same time. Joy…because she never even knew you…yet she KNOWS…she is like you! Pain….because she never even knew you…yet she KNOWS…she is like you! I told her if she is like you….YOU weren’t afraid to be on a stage!! She told me…”see mom….that’s why he needs to be here! I need my brother to encourage me!”. I told her you were here….encouraging her daily. She felt it. She knew it. It was a precious moment. All because of you.
And…your brother…Bryce. He loves you so much. He is smart..just like you. Things come easily to him. Smart! And driven. And the appetite…yup. He is ALWAYS HUNGRY…and every time he opens the refrigerator…it makes me think of you! Your endless quest for “just a slice of cheese”….or anything else you could get your hands on. He is also fiercely protective of me…just like you. He organized the #remembercory and asked everyone to wear red today…for you…and for me.
You’re still here. In so many ways….and I love that. Your legacy is far reaching…farther than even I can imagine. Your short ten years on earth are still being measured in love and encouragement and souls you’ve reached for Jesus! Your heart….beats with every beat of mine….. Your voice….is heard every time your sister sings in worship and any song she sings…. Your smile and silly face…are seen every time your brother smiles and plays around with me. You will always be with me.
But….my mommy’s arms are aching….to hold you again. I can’t believe I’ve lived almost 20 years without you here with me. I can’t imagine you who you would be today….and trying only hurts my heart even more. It isn’t an option any more. I didn’t know you as a teen…or a man in your twenties…and I’ll never know you as a 30 year old. So…instead of allowing those thoughts to permeate my soul and continue to break my heart…instead…I will CHOOSE….to celebrate that you were born! I’ll celebrate the wonderful, silly child you were! I’ll celebrate the time we had! I’ll choose to #remembercory the way you would want me to…… I’ll listen to worship songs all day…especially Point of Grace….I’ll smile…I’ll even laugh…I’ll eat and then eat some more…and I’ll love those around me and enjoy the family I have. I will do all of this…because it is what you did. It is who you were…. It is what you’d want me to do.
and I want nothing more…than you to hug me….smile…and tell me how proud of me you are….for how I carried on without you…. For how I continued your legacy… I’m proud you are my son. That will never change…no distance or time can change that.
Cory…I don’t want to stop typing….there is so much to say. But just because I close this blog…the letter to you…doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking of you all day…that is nothing new. I think of you every day. But today…I CELEBRATE you!
All my love sweet boy…can’t wait to be with you again!!! ~momma
My Life as a COMMA! 