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Posts Tagged ‘Cory’

Here I am again…It seems these are the times I blog. The words on the page…are just therapy for my hurting heart. I haven’t wanted to blog much lately. I just told a friend yesterday I just want “to be”. To be present in my now…to not feel any pressure to be so uplifting in my own grief…to be able to not wonder how or what I’m going to write. 

But here I am…I turn to this to release my emotions…to be real…to remember…to feel. The keyboard is a safe place for me to pound out my raw feelings…to be honest with myself about where I am….where I am not…where I want to be…and where I can’t be…all at the same time. 

I’ve tried to not dwell on what today means. I’ve even been intentional on trying to NOT think about …..the fact my second child, my sweet Cory….should be having a glorious 30th birthday celebration today…. Maybe I would be in cahoots with his wife to throw him a surprise party! Maybe I would be flying somewhere to surprise him….. Maybe….maybe…..maybe…..

But I’m not….doing any of it. So part of me just wants to not.do.anything.

But my soul isn’t like that. As I sit on my back patio…with coffee and iPad….I just can’t do it! I can’t act like today isn’t a special day! I can’t act like today doesn’t hurt. My iHeart radio is playing in the background. I’m worshiping….and crying…and hurting….and smiling at the funny memories….and OH.SO.THANKFUL I got to be the mommy to such a sweet….wonderful….loving…outgoing…singing-all-the-time…laughing…did I mention loving?….hungry ALWAYS….smart….funny….just an all around GREAT kid!! 

So….I am sitting here…tears are blurring my vision…I’m physically shaking…  I sent a text to work today…told them to put me down for a “sick day”. The reply….”I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I hope you get better soon.” Well….how do I say….I’ll be fine tomorrow? Maybe not really …. Fine…..but I’ll be better. How do I know this? Because it won’t be Sept. 2nd any more! Because the only real part of me that is sick….is my heart. My heart hurts. For those of you that have never experienced grief….it can manifest as a physical pain. It is indescribable…so I won’t try. Just know…it hurts…it aches…it is all the way to your core…and sometimes..you just can’t shake it. 

30….10 here with me….and almost 20 in heaven. 

How I long for the day I am there with you and can hold you again. My arms ache for your hugs….my eyes long to see your smiling face…my ears yearn to hear your beautiful voice singing praises….. I just want to be with you again.

Sweet Cory….today I celebrate you. I would never give up the pain I feel today….because it means I once had you here with me. I only hurt because I loved you so deeply. I am so proud to be your mom. But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I never thought I would be the one left here to carry on your legacy! But…really…who am I kidding? When you were here….I don’t think I even knew what “leaving a legacy” truly meant. Just something else you have taught me since you’ve been gone. You see…I met Jesus shortly after you were born…You and your brothers…taught me about “childlike” faith. But truly…it’s since you’ve been gone I have learned about faith…what truly relying on God looks like…and allowing Him to carry my burden…so I don’t cave from the weight of it. You would never want me to give up….which is one of the biggest reasons I haven’t. You showed me how to love….to laugh…and to enjoy life. I know you wouldn’t want me to stop doing those things …just because you aren’t here with me. I feel you….I can’t touch you ..physically…but you are here with me….

Like this past week when I was talking to your sister. She has a beautiful voice…just like you! But…she doesn’t share it with others like you! So we were talking about it…and she told me she thinks she is most like you. I cna’t tell you how this made my heart burst…with joy and pain…all at the same time. Joy…because she never even knew you…yet she KNOWS…she is like you! Pain….because she never even knew you…yet she KNOWS…she is like you! I told her if she is like you….YOU weren’t afraid to be on a stage!! She told me…”see mom….that’s why he needs to be here! I need my brother to encourage me!”.   I told her you were here….encouraging her daily. She felt it. She knew it. It was a precious moment. All because of you.

And…your brother…Bryce. He loves you so much. He is smart..just like you.  Things come easily to him. Smart! And driven. And the appetite…yup. He is ALWAYS HUNGRY…and every time he opens the refrigerator…it makes me think of you! Your endless quest for “just a slice of cheese”….or anything else you could get your hands on. He is also fiercely protective of me…just like you. He organized the #remembercory and asked everyone to wear red today…for you…and for me.

You’re still here. In so many ways….and I love that. Your legacy is far reaching…farther than even I can imagine. Your short ten years on earth are still being measured in love and encouragement and souls you’ve reached for Jesus! Your heart….beats with every beat of mine…..  Your voice….is heard every time your sister sings in worship and any song she sings…. Your smile and silly face…are seen every time your brother smiles and plays around with me.  You will always be with me. 

But….my mommy’s arms are aching….to hold you again. I can’t believe I’ve lived almost 20 years without you here with me. I can’t imagine you who you would be today….and trying only hurts my heart even more. It isn’t an option any more. I didn’t know you as a teen…or a man in your twenties…and I’ll never know you as a 30 year old. So…instead of allowing those thoughts to permeate my soul and continue to break my heart…instead…I will CHOOSE….to celebrate that you were born! I’ll celebrate the wonderful, silly child you were! I’ll celebrate the time we had! I’ll choose to #remembercory the way you would want me to…… I’ll listen to worship songs all day…especially Point of Grace….I’ll smile…I’ll even laugh…I’ll eat and then eat some more…and I’ll love those around me and enjoy the family I have. I will do all of this…because it is what you did. It is who you were…. It is what you’d want me to do.

and I want nothing more…than you to hug me….smile…and tell me how proud of me you are….for how I carried on without you…. For how I continued your legacy… I’m proud you are my son. That will never change…no distance or time can change that. 

Cory…I don’t want to stop typing….there is so much to say. But just because I close this blog…the letter to you…doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking of you all day…that is nothing new. I think of you every day. But today…I CELEBRATE you!

All my love sweet boy…can’t wait to be with you again!!! ~momma

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I can’t put into words the emotions going through my heart right now. God has literally broken me…in so many ways recently. I am watching as the world around me is hurting…people close to me are hurting…and I feel so helpless. All I can do is pray. 

I know….there is hope in every situation. I know..there is hope…in a God who loves us and works ALL things for good according to HIS purpose! But…I also know….that when you are walking through the big, fat mess of life…sometimes…you just don’t want to hear it will all be okay. You just want someone to let you hurt…for a season…. but I know…that seasons change. 

Today….would be my sweet son Cory’s 29th birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORY MATTHEW!!!  I love you more than I can ever express with simple words! I miss that sweet face of yours….those cheeks…that honery grin…..that smile.. It has been so long….so long since I’ve been able to hug you….or hear your sweet voice. I long to watch you sing….and act silly….and feel your feet slide across the bed to be sure I’m still next to you!! I remember holding you….as a baby…and even as a 4th grader! You were never too big for my lap! You were a sparkplug…giving others your energy and sweet spirit. You loved deeply….you were a great friend to others….and you were always smiling!! I miss you…and can’t imagine you at this age. I celebrate you today! I celebrate the life you lived! The ten years on this earth…that gave me so much joy! I thank you for those memories! So grateful to have them….so I can go to those places in my heart…that only you and I shared…until I meet you again! I can’t wait to see you singing in the choir of angels….praising God with your voice…..and be with you for all eternity! That is where I place my hope….and I’m so thankful for our shared eternity!

  
Three weeks from today…Bryce will be 16!! Yes….16!! As I was sharing with my sister earlier…..even though his brothers would be much older…this is my first experience with it. Seems so much younger…but since it’s my first time…well…it’s just weird! She told me that was a great word for it! Yup…..weird! Like I say…where my two worlds collide!

In the past week…I’ve been to two funerals. 

The first….someone who was only 30 years young! He was in a single car accident…killed instantly. Took his son to his first day of kindergarten that very morning…but never came home! He was so loved…it was evident. But my heart breaks for this sweet little boy….and all the family. Please lift them in prayer…

The second, was just two days ago. It was for a sweet young lady…who was eleven. I won’t say she was “only” eleven…because she was diagnosed with a genetic disorder at one…and told she wouldn’t likely make it to her second birthday! Well…she miraculously surpassed everyone’s expectations! Her story is now the one others are pointed to for hope…when diagnosed! God used this sweet girl and family…to minister to others in so many ways! I was impacted by the ministry of her life. And, I’m impacted by the faith of her sweet mom…in more ways than I can express. Please pray for this family as they maneuver through the grief and loss of this sweet girl….yet rejoice in her complete healing and the knowledge of her eternity!!

You see….just last night…as my daughter was drying her hair and getting ready for bed…I received a text. It was her…asking me to come back to my bathroom where she was. I went back there…and found her in a heap of tears. She was sitting on the bath mat and just looked up at me with her big, tear-soaked eyes. I just fell to the floor and took her in my arms! The sobs began again….she stopped for only a moment..and asked me, “Why did they have to go so soon?”.  I held her tightly….because by then…I was sobbing too. I didn’t have an answer. At least, not an answer she was ready for or wanted to hear. You see, in the past 18 years, God has taught me that there is hope…and there are things that happen outside of what we want or understand….but that He will work them for good….and according to HIS purpose! But…we must look for the good! We don’t always see it…not at first. And I’m not saying it is good….what happened to my boys…or the hard things in all our lives. What I am saying…is you have to find the silver linings. The ways God is using your situation. 

After sis and I sat there holding each other and crying for what seemed like forever…we looked at each other. Both of our faces were tear-stained and our eyes were still filled with tears.  I told her I was sorry…I didn’t have the answer to her specific question. She told me….it would be easier if I did! Wow!! I hugged her again. I assured her there were reasons. But we might not ever know or see them…..but through it all…He is strengthening our faith…our trust in Him! She nodded and then cried a little more.

She asked me if she looked like Cory…… My heart skipped a beat. She said someone had told her once he was the one she looked most like. I looked deeply at her features….at her eyes…her chin…her cheekbones…and just smiled. They all look so much alike to me…yet so much like themselves. I can’t compare. Never have been able to. She reminds me of him. She sings….and I think of the times he sang. I think of the performances he had…and the ones she has to come. I think of her sweet nature and caring heart…and I’m reminded of his prayers and heart for others. She smiles….and loves people…and I’m reminded of the way he loved others and included everyone! She is secure in who she is….and I’m reminded of the security he had in Christ…and his faith….so much like hers.

So yes….she looks like him….but mostly…on the inside! Where it counts! 

She knows our eternities will be together…and sometimes it scares me….how badly she wants to be in heaven with them! But for now….I’ll just smile….with a tear creeping down my cheek…as I remember….and look forward…to the assurance I have that I will spend my eternity in heaven with ALL of my children!!!!!!

Such is my life! It is a collision of what would have been and what is….. It is a collision of who I was…and who HE is molding me to be!  

Friends, we all come to a place in life where we have to acknowledge there is a beginning and an ending date of life on this earth. There is a lot of joy…and a lot of pain that happens between……… My question to you…..is this…. Do you have the hope and assurance….that you know without a shadow of a doubt where, and with whom, your eternity will be spent? Don’t think it won’t happen…because it will. And nobody knows how long, or how short, our time on this earth will be. 

The hope I have…in knowing my family will be together again…makes this life so much more bearable!! 

If you aren’t sure….then I urge you to consider this….

We are born with a sin-nature…and for that reason we are separated from God. There is nothing we can do to change that! But, He loves us so much…..He sent His one and only son to die on the cross..taking on all our sins….even though he was without sin…. for us!!! He was resurrected and defeated sin! He wants nothing more…than for you to just accept Him….and his free gift of eternal life with Him! 

I encourage and pray for you…and look forward to eternitiy with all of you!!

Much love…and happy tears! ~c

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It’s hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head right now. To say my two worlds are colliding….would be a gross understatement!! I can’t even make sense of it all right now…..all I know…is I’m one big, heaping mess of emotions.

Let me try to explain.

This is the last week of elementary school for my sweet daughter. She is my baby…so this is definitely an emotional time for me. But, the fact her three oldest brothers never experienced this part of life…makes the emotions compound. Cody, my oldest, made it to sixth grade…but never to his sixth grade graduation. Sis has her ceremony next Tuesday. The last day of school is next Wednesday. So we are officially in the last week of our elementary time…..ever. 

I’m so proud of my sweet baby girl. She is simply beautiful….and her heart shines brighter with each passing day. Our conversations amaze me and I love the simplicity of her heart. The innocence she still possesses yet the growth she is experiencing is a blessing to watch! She is maturing…day to day I see changes in her…and she isn’t a baby any more. Although, this morning, while trying to wake her…I tickled her to the point of her crawling into my lap…..where she laid her head on my shoulder…and just let me hold her…and rock her. We stayed there for quite a while…  I relished every second. I asked her if she will still crawl in my lap when she is grown and let me rock her. She said she would….though I don’t think it will happen often. These are moments my heart will forever treasure!! She will always be my baby girl. No matter what.

Then…there is my son. We are actively looking for a vehicle for him to have. He turns sixteen soon and will be driving himself…and his little sister…to school….and everywhere. In the last couple weeks….he has amazed me with some of the paths he is considering for his life. To say I love the times when the two of us talk…just wouldn’t describe the joy this boy brings to my life. He is the rainbow…the promise…the continuation of my parenting a boy through life. At this point….I couldn’t compare him to his brothers…even if I wanted to. But I don’t even try. He is so much his own person. His voice is deep and I love to hear it. His smile is huge….(now that is like his brothers though!!) He is evolving into a young man…with an awesome heart…right in front of me. This will be his last week with his friends at his school before starting his new adventure in school in July. 

His heart though….wow. Let me share.

Like I said, we’ve been searching for cars (trucks) for a bit now. He sends me or tags me pics and stuff he finds quite often…so last week when I received a text with a pic…all I saw was …”What do you think?” and that it had a pic attached. I was in a meeting when I received it so I waited to open it. Thinking it was another truck…I opened it. What I saw…..well……it was a hand-written note. I sat alone in a glass room at the conference table and read. My eyes began to “leak” and then full blown cry. 

A few weeks back…he had asked what Cody’s favorite color was. I told him it was blue. ….. and asked him why. He said just wonderin. Okay……

Fast forward to my text….this is what the hand written note said, with my corrections in ( ).

             “C3 – About 17 years ago (actually it’s over 18 years) my mom was married to another man. Toghether they had 3 sons, Cody, Cory and Caleb ages 12 (11), 10 and 8. The dad (he used his name) had some mental issues. (how else would a child consider why he did what he did?) My mom, Cheli, had divorced him. One day my mom went to my aunt’s Graduation (she was in college…but it wasn’t graduation..just a visit) So the boys went to stay with their dad. On February 22, 1997  he (his name) called Cheli and while on the phone with her he shot and killed Cody, Cory and Caleb . Then a couple seconds later he shot himself. (Actually, he only shot himself while on the phone with me…the boys were already gone.)

               To this day there is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about them. On Saturday, May, 23, 2015…Cody Brian Fox would have been 30 years old. So….to honor him will everyone please wear a blue colored shirt (Cody’s favorite!) and put it on social media with #REMEMBERCODY.

                        PLEASE RETWEET/SHARE THIS.”

Yes…all on his own…he wanted to honor his brother…who he never even got to meet. I can’t begin to express what this did to my heart. Tonight…we’ll be tweaking this a bit and he will put it on his fb and instagram. My mommy’s heart is full and exploding all while it breaks at the same time. 

My daughter is also counting down the days until her brother’s birthday. I’ve taken off work…we’ll be together to celebrate.

Yes…my first born would be 30 this Saturday. Yes…my heart longs for the what would it be like? Where would he be? Who would he be with? Where would he work? Would he have kids? …..all of those things travel through my mind. If I allowed it to go on….I could easily see myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depressed pit. It would be hard to bring me out of it. 

But God, in His all-knowing wisdom…gave me a great family! A husband that loves me in all my crazy moods and spoils me rotten….. A son who let me into his world and understands the complexities of my heart…. A daughter who is my baby and lets me love her and guide her as she grows and teaches me more than she realizes!! They are my focus and help me balance the heart-wrenching feelings I feel….while loving and being a part of their world. They get me. They know how messed up I am…how fragile my emotions are….that sometimes mom needs an extra hug and to just hold them close for a bit longer. They accept my crazy and embrace it. They are what God gave me to help keep me grounded. They….love me. And I love them.

I don’t know how I lucked out on having five gloriously happy….wonderful…caring children!! But wow….as I sit here and watch my two worlds collide…once again…..I’m reminded just how blessed I am. Continually….undeservingly…..blessed. That’s the only way I know to describe it.

So, as I struggle for the next week or so….through this massive collision…..please pray for my family…

And if you think about it…… Please wear blue and #REMEMBERCODY

And…….don’t forget to smile. My children all have the biggest smiles. All of Cody’s friends commented on his smile…after he was gone…they remembered his smile. He was generous with it…always giving. It made others smile…..and there is just something about giving your smile away. So please…share a smile with someone…and remember my sweet boy. All my kids really…..

Much love and thanks…smiles too! ūüôā 

enjoy the pics….~c

  

  
  

  
 

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My sweet babies!!

¬†I can’t even believe that it has been 15 years since my babies were here.¬† I can’t believe I have lived so much more life since they left this earth than they were able to spend here with me.¬† I can’t even put into words how much my heart hurts right now….and always.¬† I can’t describe the pain and hurt I feel…..the aching to be with them.¬† Just to hug them….one. more. time.

I remember that morning….

5:15

That is what the clock read when I picked up the phone.¬† I still have a difficult time looking at clocks when they read this time.¬† This is the time I knew something was wrong….but I just didn’t know yet exactly what that was.¬† I spent the next hour….making calls….praying…trying to figure out….because I knew that something just. wasn’t. right.

6:15

This is when my dad called us back.¬† I remember watching my sister’s face to see if I could see anything in her expression to let me know what was going on.¬† Then as she handed the phone to me….I remember Daddy saying, “Cheli, the police just came and the boys are gone.”¬† And then I remember, with the hope of a mommy who loves her babies so much….thinking….and saying, “Oh good……do they think….they know….where he took them?”.¬† It was then that dad had to tell me the whole truth.¬† It was then…..I raged….and then fell.¬† It is the next little while…I don’t remember feeling…or much of anything.¬† I don’t remember getting into my van…..or reaching for the clothes they had left…..All I remember is looking out the window…and thinking I didn’t know why we were even going back to Okc….I mean….I didn’t have anything left.¬† I was just…..numb.

I don’t know where we were in the trip home..but I remember something happening.¬† I remember God speaking to me and realizing that my babies were okay. They were in heaven…..WITH GOD.¬† I knew they didn’t hurt…they had no sadness….no sorrow.¬† Only joy.¬† As a mom….that is all you can hope for….. is KNOWING your babies are okay.¬† Knowing they are safe.¬† For me, knowing they were in the arms of our Heavenly Father….was what gave me hope.¬† I woke up.¬† I woke up to the fact that I was still here.¬† I still had things to do.¬† I had to show others the hope that I had.¬† The hope in Him that if we are still here….we have a purpose.¬† The hope of knowing when our loved ones are gone……if we are followers of Christ….we will all be reunited for eternity.¬† This is what woke me up and gave me a new purpose.

I mean….look at these faces….

They LOVED life! They gave it their everything….every day!

They had fun!¬† But even their short life wasn’t always easy.¬†¬†There were some very dark and difficult times.¬† But if you remember…or knew my¬†boys at all…you’ll remember that no matter where they were…or¬†how bad things were in their lives….they were always smiling!!!¬† Their smiles…..showed¬†HOPE.¬† Their hope….I know for a fact….was in HIM!¬† If those sweet boys….could smile through anything….then this momma….will always do the same!¬†¬†You have no idea how much I want to make them¬†proud.¬† Usually¬†it is the other way around.¬† It is usually the child that wants to please the parent and make them proud.¬† But for me….I just¬†want to show them….that in my time left here without them…I was able to smile.¬† Through the pain…and the tears…I continue to smile.¬† Not because it is easy….but because that is what they would have done.

Cody’s friends and teachers talked about his smile.¬† They talked about how it lighted up a room.¬† I miss that…. more than I can express.

Cory’s friends and teachers also talked about his smile.¬† How he loved to smile and perform.¬† I miss that…..so bad it hurts.

Caby’s friends¬†loved his smile.¬† It was so fun and mischevious.

I miss that…..more every day.

But I have hope.  Allow me to share the scripture that was in the funeral brochure.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by¬†faith into this grace in which we now stand,.¬† And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of¬†God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in¬†our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character;¬†and character, hope.¬† And hope does not disapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he ahs given us.”¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† Romans 5:1-5

This is it.  FAITH. HOPE. and LOVE.

As angry as I get….at what happened…at the fact I will never get to see my babies grow up…..never get to see who they would have become….never get to experience so many of the milestones with them….never get to be a Gramma….never get to do A LOT of things……¬† As angry as all that makes me….¬† I have hope. That is what woke me up 15 years ago today.¬† The hope that I am still here and have so much more.¬† The hope that my still being here on this earth….means that I have to fulfill my purpose…and show others that hope.¬† The hope that through my smile…..others see my boys.¬† The hope…that one day…we will ALL walk together again…into and for eternity!

That is where my hope lies.¬† 15 years ago…for a brief time…I lost hope.¬† But then God reminded me….He is still on the throne….and He is holding my sweet boys…. and keeping them safe…until I can hold them again too.

For so many, not just myself, this day 15 years ago…changed a part of their life.¬† There were so many affected.¬† So many that hurt.¬† So many, that even today, remember.¬† Please do me the honor of leaving a memory here….. and please….sweet friends and family….know that there is always hope.¬† God not only holds my boys in His hands…but he is holding each one of us every moment of every day.¬† Some days…for me…it is a moment by moment thing..just getting by.¬† It is then I crawl into His lap to cry. He lets me be sad and understands my tears.¬† He holds me and comforts like no one else can.

So today….as I allow myself to be sad….and miss the sweet smiles of my angels…let me leave you with this.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”¬† Romans 15:13

Be thankful and kind to those around you.¬† You never know it….but your smile and kindness could be the hope they need to keep going….just one more day.

Forever remembering…..until the memories unfold into eternity with you!

I love you all … my sweet c3angels!¬†¬†¬† ~mommy

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