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Posts Tagged ‘graduation’

It’s hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head right now. To say my two worlds are colliding….would be a gross understatement!! I can’t even make sense of it all right now…..all I know…is I’m one big, heaping mess of emotions.

Let me try to explain.

This is the last week of elementary school for my sweet daughter. She is my baby…so this is definitely an emotional time for me. But, the fact her three oldest brothers never experienced this part of life…makes the emotions compound. Cody, my oldest, made it to sixth grade…but never to his sixth grade graduation. Sis has her ceremony next Tuesday. The last day of school is next Wednesday. So we are officially in the last week of our elementary time…..ever. 

I’m so proud of my sweet baby girl. She is simply beautiful….and her heart shines brighter with each passing day. Our conversations amaze me and I love the simplicity of her heart. The innocence she still possesses yet the growth she is experiencing is a blessing to watch! She is maturing…day to day I see changes in her…and she isn’t a baby any more. Although, this morning, while trying to wake her…I tickled her to the point of her crawling into my lap…..where she laid her head on my shoulder…and just let me hold her…and rock her. We stayed there for quite a while…  I relished every second. I asked her if she will still crawl in my lap when she is grown and let me rock her. She said she would….though I don’t think it will happen often. These are moments my heart will forever treasure!! She will always be my baby girl. No matter what.

Then…there is my son. We are actively looking for a vehicle for him to have. He turns sixteen soon and will be driving himself…and his little sister…to school….and everywhere. In the last couple weeks….he has amazed me with some of the paths he is considering for his life. To say I love the times when the two of us talk…just wouldn’t describe the joy this boy brings to my life. He is the rainbow…the promise…the continuation of my parenting a boy through life. At this point….I couldn’t compare him to his brothers…even if I wanted to. But I don’t even try. He is so much his own person. His voice is deep and I love to hear it. His smile is huge….(now that is like his brothers though!!) He is evolving into a young man…with an awesome heart…right in front of me. This will be his last week with his friends at his school before starting his new adventure in school in July. 

His heart though….wow. Let me share.

Like I said, we’ve been searching for cars (trucks) for a bit now. He sends me or tags me pics and stuff he finds quite often…so last week when I received a text with a pic…all I saw was …”What do you think?” and that it had a pic attached. I was in a meeting when I received it so I waited to open it. Thinking it was another truck…I opened it. What I saw…..well……it was a hand-written note. I sat alone in a glass room at the conference table and read. My eyes began to “leak” and then full blown cry. 

A few weeks back…he had asked what Cody’s favorite color was. I told him it was blue. ….. and asked him why. He said just wonderin. Okay……

Fast forward to my text….this is what the hand written note said, with my corrections in ( ).

             “C3 – About 17 years ago (actually it’s over 18 years) my mom was married to another man. Toghether they had 3 sons, Cody, Cory and Caleb ages 12 (11), 10 and 8. The dad (he used his name) had some mental issues. (how else would a child consider why he did what he did?) My mom, Cheli, had divorced him. One day my mom went to my aunt’s Graduation (she was in college…but it wasn’t graduation..just a visit) So the boys went to stay with their dad. On February 22, 1997  he (his name) called Cheli and while on the phone with her he shot and killed Cody, Cory and Caleb . Then a couple seconds later he shot himself. (Actually, he only shot himself while on the phone with me…the boys were already gone.)

               To this day there is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about them. On Saturday, May, 23, 2015…Cody Brian Fox would have been 30 years old. So….to honor him will everyone please wear a blue colored shirt (Cody’s favorite!) and put it on social media with #REMEMBERCODY.

                        PLEASE RETWEET/SHARE THIS.”

Yes…all on his own…he wanted to honor his brother…who he never even got to meet. I can’t begin to express what this did to my heart. Tonight…we’ll be tweaking this a bit and he will put it on his fb and instagram. My mommy’s heart is full and exploding all while it breaks at the same time. 

My daughter is also counting down the days until her brother’s birthday. I’ve taken off work…we’ll be together to celebrate.

Yes…my first born would be 30 this Saturday. Yes…my heart longs for the what would it be like? Where would he be? Who would he be with? Where would he work? Would he have kids? …..all of those things travel through my mind. If I allowed it to go on….I could easily see myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depressed pit. It would be hard to bring me out of it. 

But God, in His all-knowing wisdom…gave me a great family! A husband that loves me in all my crazy moods and spoils me rotten….. A son who let me into his world and understands the complexities of my heart…. A daughter who is my baby and lets me love her and guide her as she grows and teaches me more than she realizes!! They are my focus and help me balance the heart-wrenching feelings I feel….while loving and being a part of their world. They get me. They know how messed up I am…how fragile my emotions are….that sometimes mom needs an extra hug and to just hold them close for a bit longer. They accept my crazy and embrace it. They are what God gave me to help keep me grounded. They….love me. And I love them.

I don’t know how I lucked out on having five gloriously happy….wonderful…caring children!! But wow….as I sit here and watch my two worlds collide…once again…..I’m reminded just how blessed I am. Continually….undeservingly…..blessed. That’s the only way I know to describe it.

So, as I struggle for the next week or so….through this massive collision…..please pray for my family…

And if you think about it…… Please wear blue and #REMEMBERCODY

And…….don’t forget to smile. My children all have the biggest smiles. All of Cody’s friends commented on his smile…after he was gone…they remembered his smile. He was generous with it…always giving. It made others smile…..and there is just something about giving your smile away. So please…share a smile with someone…and remember my sweet boy. All my kids really…..

Much love and thanks…smiles too! 🙂 

enjoy the pics….~c

  

  
  

  
 

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Man….this week has been such a roller coaster ride for me….and it’s only half way over!

You see…..last night…I got to watch my son walk across the stage and receive his 6th grade promotion…  What a proud momma I am.  He is such a sweet boy with a wonderful heart.   His last day of 6th grade is today!  Onward and upward! Junior High…..here he comes!  Not sure if this momma’s heart is quite ready for all that!

As he walked out the door just a few moments ago to attend his last day of elementary school….. my heart began skipping beats.  For so many reasons.  This is a milestone in his life! But this is also a huge milestone in my life!

You see….today…..also is the birthday of my oldest son, Cody!  My mind races back, 27 years ago today! It was the last day of school that day as well! I was only a junior in high school….but was on my way to the hospital to deliver my precious bundle of joy.  He was stubborn…and needed some coaxing to enter this world….but at 2:55 pm he made his entrance into this world!  Yes, I’ve been a mom for 27 years today….. but after today….it is the first time in my life I can say I am the mom of a 7th grader.

I am an emotional mess.  I can’t even begin to try to explain all of the places my mind is taking me to right now.  The last day of school for my sweet Bryce…… the birthday of my oldest that never lived to see the day his brother is seeing today……the gradutaion ceremony I attended last night……the night of Cody’s 18th birthday…..which was the same night his friends were walking across the stage for their high school graduation and I was sitting beside his grave, in a heap…and just could not bear to leave. I am so proud and sad all at once.  I am filled with joy for the life I am living now with my son here on earth….yet so full of sorrow for all I missed with my sweet angels in heaven!

What a roller coaster ride.  As my friend told me….. “You better buckle up….it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”  Boy….that’s an understatement!

What I love most….are the memories of both of my boy’s hearts.  Last night, before the graduation….I called Bryce in.  He knew I was gonna cry.  He almost expected it! 🙂    I asked him to sit with me…..and as he did…..all I could do was look into his beautiful eyes.  I couldn’t speak.  Tears just started streaming down my face.  He just looked at me and kind of grinned.  He didn’t get fidgety or upset….he just sat with me.  I told him how much I loved him and how he was growing to be such a fine young man.  He just looked at me and then he took his hand and caressed my cheek and said, “Mom….I love you.  But most of all, I’m proud to be your son.” Well, needless to say that just turned on the water works even more.  He handed me a kleenex. I told him thanks but it was I who was proud.  I told him I thanked God for letting me be his mom.  I thanked him for sending me my rainbow.  I reminded him again what that meant to me, what he meant to me.  He just kept smiling and caressing my face.  He reached over and kissed me and gave me a hug and that was it.  We were off to his graduation and a night of celebrating!

I don’t remember specifically having this same conversation with Cody.  I remember how protective Cody was of me.  I remember how much we just talked and shared with each other.  I remember thinking I could never love another child the same as I did him…until his siblings came along! I remember him telling me his heart hurt and wanting to protect him from it.  I remember his smile…….always brightening my heart every time he flashed it at me!  I remember so much……but it is not enough for me.  Because it was cut short…….I remember not thinking I could go on…..but then I did.

As I sit here…..with tears filling my eyes……and falling down my face…….  I love remembering.  I love that as new memories are made….the old ones can bring me to tears and fill my heart with joy all over again.  I love that as I go through this uncharted territory with my son now…..that the excitement is just as if it would have been with my other children but I know that they are going through it with me in spirit!

I love that I can sit here and close my eyes……and as I do my heart can place my two sons…..Cody and Bryce…..in front of me.  I can imagine both of them sitting in front of me….smiling….back and forth at each other and then back at me….and telling me how much they love me…..and know that I love them back!  I can imagine them, with outstretched hands, caressing each side of my face…..I can almost feel their touch now.  I can hear their words, their excitement, in where my life is now.

All I can ask for as a mom, is to know that my children love me…..know that I love them…..and that they love our God.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when I close my eyes and feel both of them touching my face and telling me they love me, that those words are true and their touch is real.

So, today I choose to celebrate two of my sons.  Cody, I thank you for making me a mom.  For 27 years I have been your mom and it has been an honor.  I wish I could hug you and have seen you grow into a man…..but I know in my heart that my hugs are felt by you even now.  I can still see your smile….and I thank you, that when I close my eyes, you are there. You will always….ALWAYS….have a very special place in my heart that can never ever be taken from you. I can’t wait to see you again…..and get all the smiles and hugs from you for eternity!  That is what keeps me going!

And to my sweet son Bryce…..thank you for coming into my life.  Like a rainbow you’ve shown me God’s promises and goodness and faithfulness.  By watching you…..I’m so often reminded how life can go on and be so good….even after so many storms!  Your smile and hugs make life so worth sticking around!  We are both in uncharted territory……junior high!  But I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to steer through this with you!  You brighten my days and give my heart such hope!  The spot in my heart you hold is filled with such joy and color just because of you!  Thank you for letting me be your mom!

Last but certainly not least….I want to thank you God.  You have given me five beautiful children to love on this earth.  My two boys, Cody and Bryce, have each taught me so much about life and love.  I thank you for choosing me to be their mom. Although I don’t understand all of Your ways, I trust that they are perfect.  I know that while some of my kiddos are with you now, my two that are still here with me, are still really yours.  I just ask that you continue to strengthen me.  But today…..I just want to crawl in your lap and say thank you.  Thanks for understanding my roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks for loving me through all of these joys and sorrows.  Thanks for continuing to bless me.  Mostly today….thanks for these two wonderful sons!

Onward…..and upward!   ~c

 

 

 

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