Not gonna lie – today has been hard….for many reasons.
First – today is my mom’s birthday. This alone is hard….
But today – I sat with my friend as her momma heart broke. I watched as she did one of the hardest things ever – as a mom. Her child is an adult – but still her momma heart broke. As I held her and let her cry – and breakdown…she told me her momma heart was broken. But then….then she said something profound……
What she said is, “It doesn’t hurt for me, it hurts for him.” And….as I’ve pondered this thought all day, it has made me reflect on my own thoughts of my kids, and of my momma and all she endured through us…and also of so many of my momma friends…as I’ve watched the seasons of motherhood change and be difficult for each of them.
I have momma friends who have watched a child through a serious illness….and recover. And I’ve watched as some of them had to say goodbye to their child. Some, have had difficulties with children’s behaviors. Others, have guided children through tough times and seen them get better….while some haven’t gotten better. Some are parenting a child/children through special needs….and more than just a parent to them, but an advocate for them! So many times though….there is one thing that remains…..
A mother’s love…never changes….never waivers…never goes away.
I thought of the times my own mother held me. I thought of the day my boys died – she was in the hospital….and checked herself out…after hearing the news…so she could be at home when I got there. She left her own pain in the background to tend to mine. She held pillows against her as I laid my head in her lap and she stroked my hair and held me through my tears. Her pain – wasn’t as painful – as the pain….her heart was feeling for me. I didn’t think of it in this way at the time….all I knew was I needed my momma.
That is what we, as moms, do. We feel for our kids. We see the possibilities in them…..at every age. We want more for them….than we ever had. We dream big dreams for them…and teach them how to dream for themselves. We are their biggest cheerleaders and their most loyal fans. Yet, we are also the ones they are the meanest to, when their world is falling apart. When they have unknown and crazy emotions, we are the ones they take it out on. We are their safe place as young children…..and as they grow into young adults. But being their safe place looks so very different at those ages.
As young kiddos hurt themselves or are hurt by others, our children run to us. They run into the safest place they know – momma’s arms. We kiss their boo-boos and place bandaids on every scrape. We take care of them, in every way possible. There are things we do they never realize – they just know they trust that mom will make everything okay!
Until they think that we are the ones that make everything NOT okay. When they are trying to become more independent – they seem to think we are the ones who make their life more difficult. We are still their safe place, but now….that means we are the ones they release their emotions onto. It took me a long time to realize this is truly because we are their safe place and NOT because they hate us! It is truly because they know there is NOTHING that can make us stop loving them. It is because they are so confused with life and their own feelings that we are where the release happens – and they don’t even always know why.
Then there is when they become adults and don’t quite “need” us as much any more. This phase can be difficult still….yet also beautiful. At this stage I can actually have my child as a friend. A close person to share life with – in a different way than before.
But with this phase also comes more difficult roads. From my years on this earth, I’ve gained wisdom my children do not yet have. I see things around the corner for them if behavior continues. I see things and I cannot always tell them….because I have to let them live their life – so they are able to gain the same kind of wisdom my life has afforded me.
But sometimes – many times – it hurts. It hurts a momma’s heart to watch our babies hurt. To watch them be scared and no longer be able to hold their hand and make everything okay.
A momma’s heart is probably the strongest thing on earth. We are confidantes….counselors….nurses….teachers….warriors. We will fight for our babies, no matter what. Our hearts have to be strong. We hurt, when our babies hurt. We hurt, when we can’t make it better, or fix the situation. We have to be strong, because that is what a momma does.
Today, I celebrate my momma. Happy Birthday momma. I’ve missed you all these years. I’ve missed our daily talks, our crazy relationship nobody else could/would understand. I thank you, for all the times, I now realize, your heart hurt for me. It wasn’t hurting for you, it was for me.
I see this….I feel this.
I know every mom feels this.
We want the world for our kiddos. We would lay down our own lives for them.
And when our momma hearts hurt….it isn’t for us….it’s for them.
Today, on my momma’s birthday, I was reminded of a mother’s love. It is fierce. It is strong. It is unwavering. There is nothing on this earth quite like it. It is how I imagine God loves…..
Today – I’m thankful for a mother’s love. I’m thankful for my mother. I see who she was and what she did for me…now more than ever. I’m thankful for my children and for being a mother. It is like no other “job” in the world. One I wouldn’t give up…ever. I’m thankful for all those I get to be “Momma Cheli” to. I love each and every single one who calls me this as my own…and my heart and love is as a true momma. I’m thankful for so many momma friends. The things I’ve learned from so many of you, as you have let me come alongside you as you raise your children….as I watch your family unfold through social media….and as you share with me the real struggles and triumphs….are unending and so appreciated.
Thank you, for loving me through this journey. Let’s remember we all love…and are trying. None of us are perfect…the only perfection in us is in the love of our hearts for our children. There truly is nothing quite like…a mother’s love.
~c
My Life as a COMMA! 