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Posts Tagged ‘proud momma’

Yes…you read that right….I’m the mom of a 29 year old boy!

It’s hard to believe that it has been 29 years since Cody came into my life! He was born with brown eyes…and they continued to show me love for the entire 11 years he spent on this earth with me! They could definitely melt this momma’s heart.

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When I looked at this picture I just sobbed because I miss these eyes….and that smile…more than words can describe.

There are so many things that are spinning through my head about this birthday……

You see…..

Today my oldest would turn 29…….
I was 29 when I lost him.

Today was Bryce & Breanna’s last day of school…….
Cody was born on the last day of my junior year.

Cody was 11 and in sixth grade when he died…….
Breanna is 11 and getting ready to start her sixth grade year.

Cody…..my oldest….
Breanna….my youngest.

So many other things fill my thoughts and swirl around in my head. Sometimes it is hard to be still…and be quiet…because of where my mind will take me.

But I must remember what a blessed momma I’ve been! The past 29 years….have been filled with joy and sorrow! Being a mom has been the easiest and hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But definitely ….. it has all been worth it.

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I remember so vividly the day Cody was born! I remember the feeling of being a mom on that first day! I remember the way he looked up at me…..and how he stole my heart. I was such a baby still myself, but I knew I would always love and protect him.

Protect him……..but I didn’t. I wasn’t there. I wasn’t able to stop what happened….and for that….I’ve had to work really hard to overcome my “survivor’s guilt”
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Just because I wasn’t there that day…doesn’t mean it might not have happened on a different date. And even if I had been there….doesn’t mean I could have stopped it. That …… has been hard. It still jumps up and tries to grab me….tries to make me feel guilty…..but…that is the enemy fighting against me and the plan God has to continue my life……to continue my purpose.

Cody and I had such a special bond. We talked…..so much. This part of him reminds me of Bryce. Cody was very protective of me….as is Bryce. He loved my fiercely…..as does Bryce. He just had a way with people. A way to put them at ease with what was going on around them. When he would smile at you with that big grin…..oh GOD HOW I MISS THAT SMILE!!!!! He would light up any room just with his smile and his attitude.

What I want people to do now…..in remembrance of my sweet baby……is to be real with the people around them! If someone’s smile lights up the room….and makes your day just a bit brighter…tell them! If you respect someone who walks away when things get difficult instead of fighting or being a part of drama….tell them! Or even better…walk away with them! If someone impacts your life…just tell them.

The reason I say all of this is because when Cody and I would talk….he would tell me how he felt so alone. He would say he didn’t have any friends because he was “different”. He thought others made fun of him for being different. But……after he died…..almost ALL of his friends wrote me and told me how much they admired him for walking away from a fight. They told me about his smile…and how he was friends with EVERYONE! I remember crying in the hallway outside his room the night he shared with me about how he was hurt. I cried because I didn’t want my baby to hurt…..but also because I was SO PROUD of him for being different! I wish he had known the impact he made on the lives around him. I want him to know how proud it made me to read those letters…and how sad I was that he felt so alone…when really…he wasn’t.

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I know….without a doubt…..Cody was different because he loved Jesus! He loved his friends and wanted them to know about Christ and the sacrifice He made for them. He invited his friends to church and to church camp. I often wonder if he would have been a missionary of some kind. He was so kind, so gentle….so caring. He would have truly been a blessing to anyone he came in contact with.

But you know what I’ve realized…..?

My son IS a missionary. He IS changing peoples’ lives. He IS still caring about others.

HOW? you might ask…… Because I’m his momma….and I know that God left me here to fulfill a purpose. Part of that purpose is to share about Cody and his brothers. He wants me to share about their life…and their deaths. He wants me to share about how He has carried me through all the ups and downs of the past 29 years….and how much He has loved me during this time.

Cody’s mission work continues in and through me! But without him…..I wouldn’t be doing it. Without HIM….I wouldn’t be strong enough. Without the story of Cody…..making me a mom…..and then living such a beautiful….but short life…..I wouldn’t be on the mission field that I am on now. So once again…..I’m thankful for him….and that I “get”….to be his mom.

I miss Cody Brian…..more than my words can express. That part of my heart that he stole….29 years ago this afternoon….at 2:55 pm….he took with him to heaven. My heart won’t be whole….until I see him…..and his brothers again. So glad my eternity will be with him. So glad…God chose me to be his mom.

Cody….you continue to make me better. You continue to push me….to try to make you proud of me. I will…until I see you again…continue the mission of showing others how much they are loved…and how good life can be!

Until we meet again….and our eternity will be together! Loving you!
~momma

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