My Life as a COMMA!

Another birthday – and here I am. At the table with a keyboard and coffee. So many thoughts…..so many questions…..

“I wish I could…..”

“I wonder what you…..”

“If only I could…..”

“Would you have….?”

“Where would you be?….”

They are never-ending….especially on days like today.

I’ve heard it say “Grief is love with no physical place to go” and I believe this is true. I can’t pick up the phone and call and say “I love you!” Or “Happy Birthday Son!”. There is no conversations I can have with you…..at least….not a 2-way conversation. I have conversations with you….about life….about you…..your brother and sister….about everything….but I haven’t audibly heard your sweet voice in 8,228 days.

8,228 days since I saw your sweet smile.

8,228 days since I hugged you and was able to see you.

This is the 23rd birthday you have celebrated in heaven. I am not sure if I’m jealous….upset…..happy for you….sad for me….or all of the above!! I just can’t believe that much of my life has been here without you.

Cory – you still impact my life. The way you smiled….and embraced life….has helped me to keep moving forward instead of staying still or looking back. The way you loved…has helped me continue to love and keep my heart open instead of closing off others and trying to protect my heart from being hurt again. The way you embraced learning….has inspired me to keep growing in my mind….to keep learning and looking at everything with open thoughts and intriguing conversations had…. The way you laughed….has kept the tears at bay….and reminded me to look at the lighter side of life and to take things with a grain of salt.

Today – you would be 33 years old. Gah- just typing that hurts. I can barely see through my tears….I want so badly for you to be here with me. I feel selfish…because I can’t imagine taking you away from the beauty, splendor and love that surrounds you now in heaven. I know we will celebrate together one day….but my selfish heart wants so badly for that day to be today!!!

Sometimes…I just don’t want to ….. have more birthdays and anniversaries here….without you and your brothers. I miss you so much every day…but today…the memories flood my mind.. The day you were born….the smile you always had….the way you shadowed your brother….and the days you stepped out of that shadow to be your own kind of person…..the day I got a report from the teacher about how big your heart was to help others…the day you auditioned for the “stage” part and got it at falls creek……the nights you “tagged up” and just wanted to be near your momma….near enough to touch me….I want THAT again… I want to be able to touch you so badly. I want you here….with me….for this birthday…..for every day!

My heart literally breaks….hurts….aches….without you here.

But….

I think you’d be proud….

Because I’m still here…..loving and living….

Crying as your brother holds me in the kitchen and let’s me just be sad for a moment. But then laughing with him as we play with the dogs and enjoy some quiet alone time this morning.

I’m continuing my life….still so thankful for your life.

Your ten years counted. The add up to more than just ten years….because for my life time….they are still counting….for the others you touched while you were here….they are still counting…. for those you’re life has touched since you’ve been gone….they are still counting.

Does that make it easier…..sometimes. But on days like today….if I have to be honest….it doesn’t. I know your impact could have been so much greater….your voice so much louder…. So….on this birthday….and every other day….I’ll make sure my impact and my voice….are as loud as yours would have been. I’ll make sure you aren’t forgotten….and your legacy continues.

Cory – Yours is a legacy of smiles….love…..laughter….fun….singing…..acting….silliness…..and so much more. Happy 33rd sweet boy! I thank God for allowing me to be your momma….for I’d rather live the rest of my life with a heart that aches with hurt because you aren’t here….than have a lifetime having never known you….or been your mom! You….are my bright, shining star! You are the one I see so brilliantly when I look to the heavens. Your light still shines just as brightly as it did when you were here with me!

Thank you, sweet boy, for loving me. For letting me love you is one of the greatest gifts I was given. Having you taken from me didn’t stop my ability to love you. Not at all….it actually made my love stronger…..made me stronger. I hate it. Honestly. Hate.it. But….my love for you, for your brothers, has never been taken from me. That…..can’t be taken from me. That I will have until my last breath on this earth. And….as I take that final breath on this earth…….I will open my eyes and be with you again….for eternity. And THAT….is what keeps me going. Knowing I WILL get to hug you, love one you….and see that smile….and hear your angelic voice….and sing POG with you…..for eternity!

That….makes me smile!! That….gives me hope. That fuels my heart to keep sharing….about you, your brothers…about Jesus and the hope he gives….and that….is enough. On this birthday, and everyday….that is what gets me through.

Happy Birthday Cory!!! Knowing you has changed my life for the better! I will celebrate you today! I will remember all the wonderful things about you and never let your memory fade! You are such a light to me sweet boy!! I can’t wait to see you again!

I could type all day….thoughts of you….memories and wishes. But for now I’ll sign off….knowing our conversations will continue and my love for you will also continue. Grief….continues….because you aren’t here to receive it. But….soon…..I’ll see you again.

All my love on this day and always! ~momma