My Life as a COMMA!

Today was a weird day.

Actually, it was pretty awesome on the outside! Family still here from the holiday….busy and productive day at work….came home to 3 Christmas trees up and ready to be decorated….so to all it seemed perfectly normal.

The weird…..was in my head.

You see….I can usually go about my days and nobody has any idea of all that is going on INSIDE MY HEAD! My thoughts are all over the place.

And today…was no different.

For you see today…….I took some really good looks at my daughter.

She was grumpy because we had to wake her up to get ready to go to lunch with us. She was tired and a bit moody….then spent time with the boyfriend….then up late studying and working on schoolwork.

All seems normal doesn’t it.

So again, it was what was going on inside my mind where the “weird” was.

Today, looking at her. I saw me.

I say this….because today….she is EXACTLY the same age I was on the day I said “I do” in my first marriage.

I looked at her and wondered how in the world did I do it! How did I go from 16 year old teenager, dancer, and carefree girl….to married, expectant mom, kinda on my own girl?

I mean…..I can’t imagine my daughter being where I was. I look at her today, and see a girl who is about to turn 17 but nowhere near ready to be on her own. I see her enjoying life…but a life where she knows she has that “cushion” of a family behind her. She isn’t totally responsible for everything yet. I still spoil her and do for her….but she is doing more and more for herself.

I told nobody about this…except her. I told my sweet girl if she wanted a glimpse into who I am…part of what made me who I am today….to realize that tomorrow when she wakes up….I was waking up a married woman. I was now in charge of cooking, shopping and cleaning. All while still going to school….preparing to be a mom…..and learning how to be married. We discussed where I was and where she is. She couldn’t imagine or believe it…..and honestly…neither can I.

I don’t take for granted all I accomplished. I failed…a lot. But I learned. I learned from watching others and from my own mistakes. I learned by trying….and continuing to try. I had no idea I would have 3 children before I was 21. Or….that I’d lose those same 3 children when I was 29!

I had no idea of all I’d go through in life.

But…..God did. He knew. He allowed me to be broken. He allowed me to experience glorious and wonderful highs….all while knowing there would be some miserable lows. He allowed it all.

And through it all, He strengthened me. He taught me. He held me.

I looked at my daughter today and saw all the things I had done so purposeful for her. The things we talk about….the things I allow and don’t allow…..all FOR her. All because of what I’ve learned….what I’ve walked through. So much so…that now…when I get concerned….sometimes she has to remind me she is NOT me!

I never thought back then to seek out help from others….I didn’t know about community. I didn’t know what I needed and I didn’t know I could ask.

Today, it’s still hard. I’ve seen so much in life…..yet I still don’t feel like I’m “there”. I have learned a LOT…yet there is still so much to figure out!

Today…in my mind….was that “double-edged sword”. Today, I saw me, and my mistakes, and my joys. I also saw my today, my hard times and my triumphs. I saw the young lady I’ve been blessed to raise. I saw history change and it felt good.

I saw love. I saw the way God loved me…even when I didn’t/don’t deserve it. I saw the love I have for my daughter, and all I want for her in life. I saw the way I’ve learned to love myself, the good and the bad.

Today was kinda hard….and kinda good….and kinda weird.

But tomorrow, new mercies. Tomorrow, new beginnings. Tomorrow, new opportunities. Tomorrow….if God chooses to wake me up….there is MORE!

I hope you realize…even on your “weird” days…..there is so much to be thankful for!

I do! And I am!

MUCH love!

~C