My Life as a COMMA!

I have gone through this day in a daze. Tasks, work, taking care of your sick sister…..I guess…trying to make it a regular day (whatever that is). But it isn’t. It’s your birthday. And again – I have to “celebrate” it…..without you.

I try not to compare….you or your brothers…..but in so many ways – your birthdays are harder. You were only 8. So little…..so tiny – yet mighty! I never knew you as a “double-digit pre-teen”. I never knew you during your teens…..or your twenties…..and now – we would be celebrating your 31st birthday today – and I’ll never know you in your thirties either.

It’s so hard to imagine my sweet little boy as a man. It is so hard to know where you’d be – what you’d be like – who you’d be with – all those things are only left for me to wonder about.

I wonder – would you remember the birthday party we had where I let you guys draw a jack-o-lantern face and cut it out and then sent them home with each friend after the party? Would you remember the games we played and the way you used to be so intense at EVERYTHING you played? Would you remember all of the street hockey and how I made you wear helmets, knee pads and elbow pads so you’d be “safe”?

Safe…..I thought I was keeping you safe. But in the end….you weren’t.

Do you remember the night you spent with your friend for the last time? Do you remember not wanting to talk or hug me or tell me you loved me the last time I saw you? Do you remember the last movie you watched – Mr. Holland’s Opus?

I remember – all of it. The good – the bad. I remember the day you were born – being unprepared yet knowing when you arrived everything was perfect in my world! I remember you telling people “That’ll be a quarter” and holding your hand out for said quarter every time they wanted to rub that soft head with freshly buzzed hair! I remember watching you so intently playing video games with headphones listening to music! I remember being amazed at just how smart you were and getting so excited to see you step into that!! I remember watching you sing your heart out and play the piano with such intense love! I remember you snuggling up to me for just a moment – wanting me to hold you and needing some momma-lovin’ – but not tooooo long! I remember listening to you read and loving that sweet little voice of yours. I remember you wanting to do everything your brothers did….and working hard to keep up.

I remember. You….were such a gift. You were the child that helped to complete me and shape me. You were what I needed to complete my family.

Every year I think of you on your birthday and have so many memories flood my head. But it is only 8 years worth. Not enough.

My heart aches for you. My arms long for another hug….my eyes long to see your silly grin. I can’t fathom how many times I’ve done this or how many more I’ll have to go through before I get to see you again!

I long for heaven. I long for the time when we can hug for eternity! Caleb – you were an angel on earth and the hole in my heart is open….and bleeding today without you.

I have had trouble holding in the tears. It’s hard when I don’t often hear your name. It hurts my heart. It is hard to think the world has gone on and 23 birthdays have been without you here. 2 of your best friends checked on me…..and that helps my heart in ways I can’t even express.

I search through pics – and the memories are there. But it’s the same pictures. The same 8 years of pictures are there…..no more.

I just want you here…with me. No – I would never pull you away from the glory of heaven….but to be completely honest….the human and selfish part of me….wishes I could.

One more hug – no…it wouldn’t be enough. One more kiss…..no I’d want more. One more…would never suffice. I didn’t have enough time the first time….so I’m thankful the next time…will never end.

Until then sweet one…until then.

Your momma loves you to the moon and back. Always the mostest!