My Life as a COMMA!

Every one knows that the worst day of my life was February 22, 1997.  Even the last Oprah show I appeared on was titled just that, “The Worst Day of Your Life”.   But most people don’t know that I truly consider 15 years ago today, February 23, 1997 the second worst day of my life.

Allow me to explain.  After the worst and longest day of my life….I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.  The next morning, when I awoke, that was when it hit me…..like a ton of bricks….that this was REAL.  Waking up to the reality that everything I had experienced the day before…wasn’t just a bad dream…..was the second worst realization I had.  Realizing that I would wake up every day …. for the rest of my life to this new reality…..was what made it the second worst day of my life.

I remember screaming….again…and having a huge break down.  To the point that I was finding it hard to breathe again.  I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.  It was as if I was reliving it all over again…every painful moment.

It is kind of funny how my memory works now.  I can replay the 4 days before the boys died…where we were….what we ate…and conversations we had.  But the days after….are a blur.  There are some very clear moments…..but for the most part….I don’t have a lot of specific memories.  I do remember people coming to mom and dad’s house, where I was staying.  I remember the kiddos….and going to the school to reassure the parents the funeral would be as “kid friendly” as possible.  I remember the many tender cards and sweet notes from everyone…I still have every single one of them.

But after that day….I chose to do it over and over again.  Some days were harder than others….they still are.  But the third day…I didn’t have the terrible realization terror like before.  The fourth day….was the funeral.  Then from there….life just started happening again.

I just made the choice to keep going.  To search for the purpose in each day.  Sometimes it was the purpose in just that moment….but I chose to keep seeking it out.

I didn’t get to choose this new reality….but I DID get to choose how I reacted.  To go on…… or not.  To get up every day……or not.  To look to my heavenly Father to hold me…..or not.  To pull the covers over my head……or get out of bed and face life head on…..  Each choice was mine.  I chose….  to not let this define my life.

How? you might ask.

I chose to make sure that the funeral service was a celebration of the life of my boys……because I wanted them to be remembered for the lives they lived….not they way in which they died.

I chose to keep going…..because I felt if those kids that were they boys’ friends could see me going on….they’d know it was okay for them to go on as well.

I chose to continue to live….becuase I was left here….so I knew I must still have a purpose here on earth.

Every choice I made wasn’t right and every choice I made wasn’t easy.  But they were my choices.  We all have that…..we all have choices.

There is power in knowing this very thing.  There is power in being able to choose.  It is part of God’s great design.  He has given us power…in choosing…

“then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve,” Joshua 24:15

We even have to choice of serving God…or serving ourselves.

So….while small choices…like getting out of bed when you would rather pull the covers over your head and wish the world would just go away….may seem like such small, insignificant things.  It is a choice.

Small choices can lead to greater choices.  What seems insignificant now….you might look back and realize that small choice was the catalyst for something great.

So, while this date….15 years ago…..I consider the second worst day of my life….I also have to look back and realize it is also the day I started taking very small steps…and making my own choices in my new life.  Some better than others…. 🙂

But each was my choice to make.  I chose to take that power and continue to live….continue to dream….continue to smile.

I hope that this gives everyone hope.  Hope that when you wake up….it is always the first day of the rest of your life.  YOU choose how it will go….and if you aren’t able to choose everything that has happened to you…..you ARE able to choose how you will react to it.

Many blessings to you all…..and thank you for all the sweet words and prayers to help me through these past fifteen years!

~c