My Life as a COMMA!

As we woke up this morning, maybe the sting of what happened yesterday didn’t feel quite as strong to you.  But I can tell you, that to those in the community of Newtown, CT…… that is not what they felt this morning.

This morning they woke up and realized that the nightmare they thought they had through the night, was not just a dream, but their new reality.  They woke up to the realization that their babies were gone, friends were gone, parents were gone and innocence……lost.  Today is the first day of their new reality…..of trying to figure out just how to go on without their old “normal”.

The shock of yesterday has probably rubbed off for most of them….and the numbness has set in.  The motions of beginning to plan services, of what to wear, of how to continue……..  without…..their loved ones….

For us…who are so far away…..we still hurt.  We are still grieving with them.  We wonder what we can do and how we can possibly help. I’d like to give you a few ideas and suggestions to this.

1.) Pray. Pray for the families who have lost loved ones.  Not just the parents who lost children…but extended family who are not only grieving but trying to help their loved ones during this difficult time.  Pray that God would rain down His strength when they feel like they have no more strength. Pray that they will take time to crawl into the lap of God and just let Him hold them and cry.  Pray that they know His son, Jesus, and call on His name to comfort them. Pray that they somehow, find a way to understand that their loved ones are with God, and that through a personal relationship with Him, they can spend eternity together. Pray.

2.) Pray for the 1st responders.  This is so often overlooked.  But those people didn’t just do their job yesterday. They saw things no one should have to see.  Their lives were forever changed by what they witnessed and the evil they know is in this world. As they took the children out of the building, the kids were told to close their eyes…….but the first responders aren’t able to close their eyes.  They HAVE to look. They have to see….everything.  They have to document, discuss, write reports, search for clues and then remove bodies.  Yes, this is their job….but when children….especially so many children….are involved…..it effects them.  Pray that God will allow them to heal.  Pray that God will strengthen them and give them peace.  Thank God for them and the first responders in your own community for the job they do and the way with which they do so.  Pray that they would get the help they will need to deal with the most difficult situation they have had to deal with.  Pray.

3.) Pray for the children who saw and heard things that no one should ever see or hear.  Pray that they be able to heal. Pray that they feel loved and secure. Pray that He strengthen them and in their resilience, they show us how to go on again.  Children are such joyful and innocent beings……pray that is what helps them bounce back into the world and helps us see that life does go on!  They are our future and we must support them.  We can best do that by allowing them to go on and be kids.  Pray that this community does just this.  Pray.

4.) Pray for the teachers and the community. This community will never be the same. They will never be normal again.  But they can create a new normal that will include happy days and a feeling of security. Pray that with time, they will begin to feel love, joy and security again. Pray that they band together and hold each other up. Pray that they feel the love and prayers of a nation. Pray they will see Jesus through this dark, difficult time. Pray they rely on Him……and hold on to His promises. Pray.

If you feel like you want to do SOMETHING…….here are my suggestions….

1.) One of my oldest son’s friends, I call her my pretend daughter-in-law, has started Letters of HOPE!  After my boys died, each child in the school wrote me a letter or drew me a picture.  I also received many cards and notes from surrounding schools and others who just wanted to do something.  I still have every letter and they continue to minister to me! Her vision is to write a letter, a poem, do a drawing or share a song of hope to the community and especially the school and it’s children.  She would like them to be at the school when the kids return from their Christmas vacation.  If you’d like to participate, you can message me on facebook, Cheli Bartemy Porter, and I’ll get you more info!

2.) If you can’t do something in Connecticut, do something in your own community, in the memory of those lives lost in Connecticut.  Plant trees, do something kind for a stranger or adopt a family…….do something unexpected….out of love and show others Jesus through you!

3.) Turn off the TV.  Stop allowing our need to be satiated with all things going on in Connecticut send a message to the news stations that makes them stop and think interviewing children about this is not okay!!!

4.) Remember……..the sun will still shine and we still have good in this world! Stories are beginning to come out about teachers who shielded the children and sacrificed their own lives. I’m sure there will be many more untold stories of good.  Small silver linings in the midst of such darkness.  And….there will come a day when smiles will be on the faces of this community….

For those who are asking if there is a God……or how can a loving God allow this to happen…..I’ve been praying over my response to you.  You see, I can’t even think like you do.

I believe that God is a loving father.  I believe when He created us, He allowed us to have a free will so we could choose to either love Him or reject Him.  I believe He did this because He knew that it wouldn’t be the same if we were all made to love Him.  It isn’t true or genuine if it is forced and it just doesn’t feel the same.  I believe that in that same free will, He has allowed us to choose so many of our own consequences.  The truth is, mankind was not created to be good all the time. Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV) says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Tragedies such as this can happen because men’s hearts are wicked and sinful, not because God somehow overlooked a certain population of people, or chooses to love and protect some more than others. HE is still good and worthy of their trust (and ours). I also believe that even those who have rejected Him, He still continues to love and pursue.  He weeps over the loss of your love and potentially the loss of your eternity with Him.

Psalm 34:18 says, ” If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” the MSG.

another version translates as “The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope.” CEV

You see, as a parent, I get it.  If my kids only loved me because they HAD to….it wouldn’t mean as much.   I also get having to allow them to make their own mistakes.  IT STINKS!  I HATE IT! Especially when the consequences hurt them…..and can potentially hurt others.  But I also know that sometimes, there is no other way.  No way for them to learn…… the lessons of this life…..or that they need me to help.  We NEED God! But we are so busy trying to do this life on our own and think we know how to do and handle everything. We don’t.  We are part of a broken and fallen world in need of a saviour.  He has been given to us……but many, unfortunately, have chosen to not accept the gift of His salvation….His love….and His hope.

My prayer, is through this difficult time, through the darkness……everyone will find hope in the One who is the true light.  The promise of a rainbow after a storm is to remind everyone that above the dark clouds….the SON still shines…..and there is hope on the other side of this storm.  I pray for rainbows in Newtown, Connecticut.  In each and every heart I pray for the brokenness to be filled by the blood of the lamb.

“So always trust the Lord because he is forever our mighty rock.” Isaiah 26:4

“I trust you to save me, Lord God, and I won’t be afraid. My power and my strength come from you, and you have saved me.” Isaiah 12:2

In His love and with His hope…..love to you all! ~c

Happy Birthday to my baby sister!

To many, today is a really cool day because it is 12/12/12. To me it is a cool day because I get to celebrate the day my sister was born!

I was just 10 days shy of being a big 8 year old on the day she was born. I remember coming home from school that day and my mom not feeling well. She decided she should go to the doctor and be checked out. All I remember is the doctor telling mom she needed to go straight to the hospital. I don’t remember a lot about the rest…except my grandmother was driving….and mom was in the passenger seat. I was in the back seat all excited!! My most vivid memory of the day is us going towards the hospital and having to go over some pretty bad train tracks. Just as we were coming up to the train tracks……I jumped from the back seat and leaned over the middle of the front seat and threw my arms and head over my momma’s belly to shield and protect my baby sister. I don’t remember much else…..but I knew then I would be protective of my new baby!!

Well, not much has changed. She came into my life and I have loved her since that day she was born. My protective instincts haven’t changed……except that now I know she is a beautiful, caring, strong and very capable woman. I have watched her grow, shine and become a very awesome……very precious person!

And she is not just that to me…..but to everyone she comes into contact with. Everyone she touches thinks she is amazing…which she is! But it is so cool to just watch her interact with others……and see her smile. I watch as she listens and cocks her head to the side and know that she genuinely cares what the other person is saying. She has a way about her that just draws people towards her and want to be around her.

Watching her go through life and face everything head on….. she charged through 6 years of college and came out with 3 degrees! I can’t tell you how proud I beamed at each of her accomplishments! She married just weeks after her last graduation….and my tears of joy for her were overflowing. She was beautiful and poised….and everything I dreamed for her…….and more! She found work in a place where she shined and enjoyed life! She became a mommy and I watched as she loved her new son and I have to say, was proud of her all over again. She faced cancer with a ferocity that not only helped her defeat it…..but also made her a beacon to help others facing the same battle. She became an advocate for women facing a horrendous disease and spoke for them and fought for them……and cried with them….. She has overcome battles and difficult times. She has found a place that she seems to fit….as if there were a missing puzzle piece…..and she was that piece. She is cheering others on to achieve more for themselves than they ever imagined. She juggles home, work, friends and family with grace and in a way that others want to duplicate!

But to me….. well… to me….. she is my baby sister. She is a bright shining star that has been by my side for so long. As much as I have protected her…..she has done the same for me. I have sat beside her in her darkest moments and she has sat beside me during mine. There is no one that knows me better….or who I’d rather have by my side. She is my confidant and my best friend. She loves me unconditionally….just as I love her.

I will always want to protect her….even though she really doesn’t need it! 🙂 But those instincts won’t go away…..so she is just going to have to deal with it!

So…. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY SIS! Happy Birthday Heather Noelle!!

15 YEARS! I can’t believe it has been this long.  I can still see you so vividly in my mind. I can still hear your laugh and see your smile…..  in my mind.

For the past week I could tell you everything I did fifteen years before…on that day.  On the 12th I remember getting a call that you could not be woken up and rushing to you from work.  It was on this day, when I realized the date, I thought to myself you would leave us on November 15th.  Because of the other deaths in our family happening on the 15th….something just told me that would be the day….. On the 13th I remember calling my sister and telling her if she wanted to be able to have a conversation with you, she needed to come soon because it would not be long before you were gone.  On the 14th, I remember all of us gathering around you in your room….laughing and talking until late.  Then letting you rest and the four of us, Matt, Bryan, Heather and me staying up late playing cards and talking until the wee hours and then all sleeping in the living room so we could be close.  Then on the 15th, I remember you talking with us that morning…..and then after everyone had left the room…I remember you sitting there and looking into my eyes…….and telling me, “You just don’t understand….it hurts…..so. damn. bad.”.  I remember the hospice nurse telling me over the phone after all the medication you had been given…there was no way you were concious….much less talking.  I assured her she was wrong and then she allowed me to give you more meds so you wouldn’t hurt any more.  I remember the rest of the day….everyone being quiet…..and not much happening.  I remember later that night….everyone going to sleep early….worn out from the night before and just too afraid to talk more about what we knew was coming.  I remember the phone ringing……..and it being a wrong number.  Daddy waking up and coming to ask me to come check on you…because of your breathing.  I remember sitting next to you….tears streaming down my face and praying for God to take you home soon…..selfishly because I could not bear to listen to you labor to breathe for too long!  I remember telling dad to wake everyone up so they could come into your room….to be with you one last time.  I remember calling the nurse…because I knew it was soon.  I remember sitting next to you……thinking this was it….and then you turned your head towards me and opened your eyes……for the last time.  I remember telling you I loved you and it was okay to go…..because I didn’t want you to hurt any more.  I remember you closing your eyes…..and never opening them again.  I remember every one of us being in the room…..holding your hand and telling you we loved you when you took your last breath at 2:36 am.  I remember……15 years ago today….I lost you, mom.

But I also remember how fiercely you loved me.  We didn’t always see eye to eye…but we loved each other completely!  I miss you like crazy.  More than I thought possible.  Raising my daughter now makes me even miss you more.  Just a few days ago, I took her to her first musical….and sat in your seats.  What a bittersweet moment it was…..all the while watching her face and seeing her enjoy her first live musical performance….I was remembering all of the musicals we had shared.

To say I am thankful for the mother you were to me……would be an understatement.  You helped to mold me into the strong woman I am today.  You gave me a belief in myself that has helped me through obstacles that many would not have fought through……  but I always remember some of the many things you taught me…..and persevere.

I know I will get to see you again, of that I am sure.  That makes me smile.  We didn’t have enough time together on this earth.  You were taken from me too soon……and you suffered too long.  I am ready to spend eternity with you and I soo look forward to seeing you in a healthy, cancer-free body!

I can’t wait!  I love you more than words can say!  And I’m thankful for ALL the memories with you in them.  The good, the bad and the ugly!!

Til we meet again, momma!  ~c

As I sit here thinking about this birthday month…..I am trying to balance my thoughts and emotions. The second of September was my son Cory’s 26th birthday and the 23rd of September is my son Bryce’s 13th birthday!  I get to celebrate a lot this month.  But only one will I celebrate with my child.  This makes it very bittersweet.  So, I have been asking God to show me….once again…His grace and mercy through this time.

As much as I love to celebrate……these birthdays of my children who are gone are getting harder instead of easier.  With each passing year I feel like I am more disconnected in knowing where each of my boys would be in their lives right now.  At 26, Cory would be out on his own, maybe married….maybe have kids…..and doing who knows what.  This is hard for me.  I can kind of picture him as a man. That square chin, chiseled features…..piercing eyes…and gorgeous smile on a very tall, muscular man.  Soft spoken, kind and generous to a fault.  I can imagine…….but at the same time…I can’t.  It gets fuzzy when I try to see it…..

But in sitting very still…….God reminded me of so much recently.  Allow me to share………

God told me that Cory will always be my little man.  He will always be playful and bright! I was reminded that the ways that I am trying to imagine Cory……are of this world.  Cory was only part of this world for 10 years…  His eternity began over fifteen years ago…..and still continues on!!

So instead……..I sat in the stillness…….and tried to imagine a different scene……..

This time…..I saw my little man…….in the throne room of our Heavenly Father…..singing and smiling!  I saw Cory in a light that was so much brighter than the light he shone here on earth!  I saw him dancing and interacting with everyone he came into contact with.  I saw him tell me that we are celebrating his birthday together…..just in different ways!  I imagined him happy…..joyful…..singing……loving and being loved!  All of these things made my heart smile with crocodile tears!

I’ve said it before…..as a mom….all we want is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our kids are….

1.) Happy

2.) Safe

3.) Loved

Well…..he has all of that and more!  It made me think about when Bryce was at camp on his birthday last year.  I knew he was happy …… because he was with his entire class of friends..  I knew he was safe……because he was with some fabulous adults whom I trusted him with….  And I knew he was loved……because the people he was around, kids and adults, loved him almost as much as I do!   It made it okay for him to be away from me for his birthday!

So being away from Cory…..is kind of okay now.  Just because I know he is experiencing the Glory of our Lord!  He has no sorrow or pain…he only has beauty and joy surrounding him!  Yes….I miss what he was and who he might have become…..but I am trying, oh so hard, to not let myself look back…….but to be real with where I am now….with where God has placed me at this moment.  And for this moment…I am still Cory’s mom……..we are just celebrating him in different ways right now.  One day…..I’ll get to celebrate with him.

Until that day….I’ll enjoy the celebrations I have here!  With Bryce….we’ll celebrate him turning 13!  A true teenager!  Lord help me!!! 🙂  I’ll enjoy the time I have with him and the new experiences of having a teenager!  I haven’t ever gotten to experience that before!  I’m looking forward to it!

I’ll also still celebrate my boys and their birthdays and other times I would have had with them.  If I don’t…..it’s kinda, to me, like they weren’t here.  And they very much were…and are…a part of my life.

I love all my kids!  I love my two September birthdays!  I appreciate God for rearranging my thinking and showing me how to refocus my thoughts.  He has shown me a new way to think and celebrate…..to continue to enjoy what I’ve got here….and to look forward to what I will have then……..  I love it!

Does it make it easier?  I wish I could say it always does.  What is does is give me more hope……  Because knowing my eternity will be so much longer than my experiences here…..and so much better than my best and favorite times….helps to ease a bit of the pain.  Doesn’t make it go away…..but reminds me….that HE is in control.  He has won the battles.  He has given me a hope of eternity with ALL of my children!  THAT…..is definitely something to smile about!

I hope you are enjoying this beautiful month….  The weather is changing…..the leaves are turning….  and the bustle of holidays is just around the corner.  Don’t take any of it for granted.  Go outside and breathe in the fresh air.  Rake the leaves into a pile and then jump in them with your kids!  Plan a party just because!  Live this life you’ve been given!  Tomorrow is never promised….for any of us.  Make sure if your tomorrow were to begin your eternity….your family would know how much you love them!  Make sure your legacy is of love and joy……so much so that with each tear of missing you….would be a smile of knowing and loving you!  And be sure…that your eternity is tied up in salvation through our Lord Jesus.  Being able to know where my children are and that I will not only see them again….but spend eternity with them…..is what gets me through some very difficult times.  Be sure to give that gift to your family and loved ones.

Much love to you……and don’t forget to celebrate life!    ~c

Here we are again….. the beginning of a new school year.

Today I went to my daughter’s elementary school open house and tonight I attended my son’s junior high open house.  I’ve done pretty well so far.  Until today…

Bryce has been at football practice every night….  Did I mention he is now on the junior high team?  Did I mention he has to ride the bus to and from scrimmages and games?  Did I mention this is JUNIOR HIGH?????  Tonight he had his first scrimmage against another team…at the same time as the open house.  So, mom went to the open house to get the supplies lists and find out where all his classes are and to meet all the teachers.  Dad went to the scrimmage.  Before dad left, he asked me if I was okay.  I thought I was.  I REALLY thought I was holding up well and doing just fine.  But then, he had to go and ask if I was okay……which made me ask myself….and I realized….NOPE!!  I’m really not.  The tears just ran down my face and in less than a second he saw my face change from “I’m ok.” to “OMG!!  What am I doing here?”!!!!  He immediately told me he would go to the open house instead. I said no.  This is something I want to do.  I NEED to do this.

So, off he went to the scrimmage and off Sis and I went to the junior high.  Secretly…..I’m SO glad she wanted to go with me……because she gave me a focus and a distraction from what was going on in my head.

You see….in my head…..I was thinking…… I should have done this 15 years ago.  I should know where all of these classes are because I would have had 3 kids go through here by now.  I was thinking….. some of these teachers should be saying to me…..”So this is Cody’s little brother?  I had your brother YEARS ago!”  I was thinking…. I was out-of-place.

But at the same time…….I’m excited!  I’m excited for this uncharted territory.  I keep asking Bryce if he is nervous or anxious….and he isn’t.  He is excited…..which makes me excited.  I’m excited to see what God has in store for this boy.  This just feels good in so many indescribable ways.  The overwhelming thoughts of this is my first time doing this…..when it shouldn’t be my first time……  aren’t as loud right now.

All I can say is, “Thank you, God. Thank you for allowing me to focus on what is happening right now instead of what could have been.  Thank you for allowing me another child to experience these firsts with and for trusting me with his life.  Thank you for making him so different so that I can’t compare him to his brothers…..yet at the same time giving him little resemblances of them to remind me they are brothers! Thank you for blessing me and allowing me to be a mom to two more wonderful kids who’ve enriched my heart in ways I never thought possible.  Just……thank you.”.

Not to leave sis out…….she has passed a milestone too.  She is now in the “big kids” hallway at school.  She will be changing classes and has three teachers now.  She is experiencing things her brother Caleb never lived to see and by the end of the year…….will have completed a grade her brother Cory didn’t get to finish.  She is becoming responsible and just beautiful.  Inside and out.  She is a joy.  Pure joy.

So again, “Thank you, God.  Thank you for allowing me to have a daughter.  Thank you for setting my mind on her and what she is going through now instead of what her brothers didn’t get to do.  Thank you for making her so different.  Thank you for her heart and the way you show yourself through her.  Thank you for giving me another opportunity to enjoy an older and younger child together in my family.  Just, thank you.”.

I don’t think time has …. “lessened my wounds”…….don’t get me wrong……it is definitely still there.   The beginning of a school year is ALWAYS a difficult time.  Just because in my mind…..that is where they are.  Even though they’d be out of school now…….it is still hard.  But what has happened…..is God has given me new purpose……  new focus.  He has shown me that if I focus my eyes on HIM…..he will guide me.  He has guided me to be a mom again……and I don’t want to miss ANY of it.  The good….the bad…..the ugly!  What He has shown me is that if my focus is in the past……or in where I might have been……or what I feel I missed out on……what is going to happen…..is I am going to miss out on what is right in front of me!  I love them way too much to let that happen.  I love all five of them too much to let that happen.  And I honestly feel like that is what the boys would want me to do.  I think they would be like, “Mom, for real……we get to spend eternity with you….so enjoy what you have in front of you…who you have in front of you…we’ll be waiting!”.  And for that………..I’m excited!

So please……don’t miss what is right in front of you.  Don’t be so caught up in the woulda, shoulda, couldas………and miss the blessings God is pouring out to you right now.  If you are walking through a valley…….know He is walking with you.  Know His love will carry you when you feel like you can’t go on any further.  His strength will give you an endurance you would never know you had.  And know………..that His plan and purpose for your life is to prosper you….not to harm you.  All I know…..is that if He can still be walking with me…..and knowing the times He has had to carry me through……in EVERYTHING that has happened ………  He will do the same for you.  You are His.  You are His chosen, beloved child.  I am no more special to Him than you…….and He is there.  Just reach out your hand towards His.  I did…..and my life will (thankfully) never be the same!

Looking forward….with much love!     ~c