My Life as a COMMA!

Here we are again….. the beginning of a new school year.

Today I went to my daughter’s elementary school open house and tonight I attended my son’s junior high open house.  I’ve done pretty well so far.  Until today…

Bryce has been at football practice every night….  Did I mention he is now on the junior high team?  Did I mention he has to ride the bus to and from scrimmages and games?  Did I mention this is JUNIOR HIGH?????  Tonight he had his first scrimmage against another team…at the same time as the open house.  So, mom went to the open house to get the supplies lists and find out where all his classes are and to meet all the teachers.  Dad went to the scrimmage.  Before dad left, he asked me if I was okay.  I thought I was.  I REALLY thought I was holding up well and doing just fine.  But then, he had to go and ask if I was okay……which made me ask myself….and I realized….NOPE!!  I’m really not.  The tears just ran down my face and in less than a second he saw my face change from “I’m ok.” to “OMG!!  What am I doing here?”!!!!  He immediately told me he would go to the open house instead. I said no.  This is something I want to do.  I NEED to do this.

So, off he went to the scrimmage and off Sis and I went to the junior high.  Secretly…..I’m SO glad she wanted to go with me……because she gave me a focus and a distraction from what was going on in my head.

You see….in my head…..I was thinking…… I should have done this 15 years ago.  I should know where all of these classes are because I would have had 3 kids go through here by now.  I was thinking….. some of these teachers should be saying to me…..”So this is Cody’s little brother?  I had your brother YEARS ago!”  I was thinking…. I was out-of-place.

But at the same time…….I’m excited!  I’m excited for this uncharted territory.  I keep asking Bryce if he is nervous or anxious….and he isn’t.  He is excited…..which makes me excited.  I’m excited to see what God has in store for this boy.  This just feels good in so many indescribable ways.  The overwhelming thoughts of this is my first time doing this…..when it shouldn’t be my first time……  aren’t as loud right now.

All I can say is, “Thank you, God. Thank you for allowing me to focus on what is happening right now instead of what could have been.  Thank you for allowing me another child to experience these firsts with and for trusting me with his life.  Thank you for making him so different so that I can’t compare him to his brothers…..yet at the same time giving him little resemblances of them to remind me they are brothers! Thank you for blessing me and allowing me to be a mom to two more wonderful kids who’ve enriched my heart in ways I never thought possible.  Just……thank you.”.

Not to leave sis out…….she has passed a milestone too.  She is now in the “big kids” hallway at school.  She will be changing classes and has three teachers now.  She is experiencing things her brother Caleb never lived to see and by the end of the year…….will have completed a grade her brother Cory didn’t get to finish.  She is becoming responsible and just beautiful.  Inside and out.  She is a joy.  Pure joy.

So again, “Thank you, God.  Thank you for allowing me to have a daughter.  Thank you for setting my mind on her and what she is going through now instead of what her brothers didn’t get to do.  Thank you for making her so different.  Thank you for her heart and the way you show yourself through her.  Thank you for giving me another opportunity to enjoy an older and younger child together in my family.  Just, thank you.”.

I don’t think time has …. “lessened my wounds”…….don’t get me wrong……it is definitely still there.   The beginning of a school year is ALWAYS a difficult time.  Just because in my mind…..that is where they are.  Even though they’d be out of school now…….it is still hard.  But what has happened…..is God has given me new purpose……  new focus.  He has shown me that if I focus my eyes on HIM…..he will guide me.  He has guided me to be a mom again……and I don’t want to miss ANY of it.  The good….the bad…..the ugly!  What He has shown me is that if my focus is in the past……or in where I might have been……or what I feel I missed out on……what is going to happen…..is I am going to miss out on what is right in front of me!  I love them way too much to let that happen.  I love all five of them too much to let that happen.  And I honestly feel like that is what the boys would want me to do.  I think they would be like, “Mom, for real……we get to spend eternity with you….so enjoy what you have in front of you…who you have in front of you…we’ll be waiting!”.  And for that………..I’m excited!

So please……don’t miss what is right in front of you.  Don’t be so caught up in the woulda, shoulda, couldas………and miss the blessings God is pouring out to you right now.  If you are walking through a valley…….know He is walking with you.  Know His love will carry you when you feel like you can’t go on any further.  His strength will give you an endurance you would never know you had.  And know………..that His plan and purpose for your life is to prosper you….not to harm you.  All I know…..is that if He can still be walking with me…..and knowing the times He has had to carry me through……in EVERYTHING that has happened ………  He will do the same for you.  You are His.  You are His chosen, beloved child.  I am no more special to Him than you…….and He is there.  Just reach out your hand towards His.  I did…..and my life will (thankfully) never be the same!

Looking forward….with much love!     ~c