My Life as a COMMA!

As I sit here thinking about this birthday month…..I am trying to balance my thoughts and emotions. The second of September was my son Cory’s 26th birthday and the 23rd of September is my son Bryce’s 13th birthday!  I get to celebrate a lot this month.  But only one will I celebrate with my child.  This makes it very bittersweet.  So, I have been asking God to show me….once again…His grace and mercy through this time.

As much as I love to celebrate……these birthdays of my children who are gone are getting harder instead of easier.  With each passing year I feel like I am more disconnected in knowing where each of my boys would be in their lives right now.  At 26, Cory would be out on his own, maybe married….maybe have kids…..and doing who knows what.  This is hard for me.  I can kind of picture him as a man. That square chin, chiseled features…..piercing eyes…and gorgeous smile on a very tall, muscular man.  Soft spoken, kind and generous to a fault.  I can imagine…….but at the same time…I can’t.  It gets fuzzy when I try to see it…..

But in sitting very still…….God reminded me of so much recently.  Allow me to share………

God told me that Cory will always be my little man.  He will always be playful and bright! I was reminded that the ways that I am trying to imagine Cory……are of this world.  Cory was only part of this world for 10 years…  His eternity began over fifteen years ago…..and still continues on!!

So instead……..I sat in the stillness…….and tried to imagine a different scene……..

This time…..I saw my little man…….in the throne room of our Heavenly Father…..singing and smiling!  I saw Cory in a light that was so much brighter than the light he shone here on earth!  I saw him dancing and interacting with everyone he came into contact with.  I saw him tell me that we are celebrating his birthday together…..just in different ways!  I imagined him happy…..joyful…..singing……loving and being loved!  All of these things made my heart smile with crocodile tears!

I’ve said it before…..as a mom….all we want is to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our kids are….

1.) Happy

2.) Safe

3.) Loved

Well…..he has all of that and more!  It made me think about when Bryce was at camp on his birthday last year.  I knew he was happy …… because he was with his entire class of friends..  I knew he was safe……because he was with some fabulous adults whom I trusted him with….  And I knew he was loved……because the people he was around, kids and adults, loved him almost as much as I do!   It made it okay for him to be away from me for his birthday!

So being away from Cory…..is kind of okay now.  Just because I know he is experiencing the Glory of our Lord!  He has no sorrow or pain…he only has beauty and joy surrounding him!  Yes….I miss what he was and who he might have become…..but I am trying, oh so hard, to not let myself look back…….but to be real with where I am now….with where God has placed me at this moment.  And for this moment…I am still Cory’s mom……..we are just celebrating him in different ways right now.  One day…..I’ll get to celebrate with him.

Until that day….I’ll enjoy the celebrations I have here!  With Bryce….we’ll celebrate him turning 13!  A true teenager!  Lord help me!!! 🙂  I’ll enjoy the time I have with him and the new experiences of having a teenager!  I haven’t ever gotten to experience that before!  I’m looking forward to it!

I’ll also still celebrate my boys and their birthdays and other times I would have had with them.  If I don’t…..it’s kinda, to me, like they weren’t here.  And they very much were…and are…a part of my life.

I love all my kids!  I love my two September birthdays!  I appreciate God for rearranging my thinking and showing me how to refocus my thoughts.  He has shown me a new way to think and celebrate…..to continue to enjoy what I’ve got here….and to look forward to what I will have then……..  I love it!

Does it make it easier?  I wish I could say it always does.  What is does is give me more hope……  Because knowing my eternity will be so much longer than my experiences here…..and so much better than my best and favorite times….helps to ease a bit of the pain.  Doesn’t make it go away…..but reminds me….that HE is in control.  He has won the battles.  He has given me a hope of eternity with ALL of my children!  THAT…..is definitely something to smile about!

I hope you are enjoying this beautiful month….  The weather is changing…..the leaves are turning….  and the bustle of holidays is just around the corner.  Don’t take any of it for granted.  Go outside and breathe in the fresh air.  Rake the leaves into a pile and then jump in them with your kids!  Plan a party just because!  Live this life you’ve been given!  Tomorrow is never promised….for any of us.  Make sure if your tomorrow were to begin your eternity….your family would know how much you love them!  Make sure your legacy is of love and joy……so much so that with each tear of missing you….would be a smile of knowing and loving you!  And be sure…that your eternity is tied up in salvation through our Lord Jesus.  Being able to know where my children are and that I will not only see them again….but spend eternity with them…..is what gets me through some very difficult times.  Be sure to give that gift to your family and loved ones.

Much love to you……and don’t forget to celebrate life!    ~c