15 YEARS! I can’t believe it has been this long. I can still see you so vividly in my mind. I can still hear your laugh and see your smile….. in my mind.
For the past week I could tell you everything I did fifteen years before…on that day. On the 12th I remember getting a call that you could not be woken up and rushing to you from work. It was on this day, when I realized the date, I thought to myself you would leave us on November 15th. Because of the other deaths in our family happening on the 15th….something just told me that would be the day….. On the 13th I remember calling my sister and telling her if she wanted to be able to have a conversation with you, she needed to come soon because it would not be long before you were gone. On the 14th, I remember all of us gathering around you in your room….laughing and talking until late. Then letting you rest and the four of us, Matt, Bryan, Heather and me staying up late playing cards and talking until the wee hours and then all sleeping in the living room so we could be close. Then on the 15th, I remember you talking with us that morning…..and then after everyone had left the room…I remember you sitting there and looking into my eyes…….and telling me, “You just don’t understand….it hurts…..so. damn. bad.”. I remember the hospice nurse telling me over the phone after all the medication you had been given…there was no way you were concious….much less talking. I assured her she was wrong and then she allowed me to give you more meds so you wouldn’t hurt any more. I remember the rest of the day….everyone being quiet…..and not much happening. I remember later that night….everyone going to sleep early….worn out from the night before and just too afraid to talk more about what we knew was coming. I remember the phone ringing……..and it being a wrong number. Daddy waking up and coming to ask me to come check on you…because of your breathing. I remember sitting next to you….tears streaming down my face and praying for God to take you home soon…..selfishly because I could not bear to listen to you labor to breathe for too long! I remember telling dad to wake everyone up so they could come into your room….to be with you one last time. I remember calling the nurse…because I knew it was soon. I remember sitting next to you……thinking this was it….and then you turned your head towards me and opened your eyes……for the last time. I remember telling you I loved you and it was okay to go…..because I didn’t want you to hurt any more. I remember you closing your eyes…..and never opening them again. I remember every one of us being in the room…..holding your hand and telling you we loved you when you took your last breath at 2:36 am. I remember……15 years ago today….I lost you, mom.
But I also remember how fiercely you loved me. We didn’t always see eye to eye…but we loved each other completely! I miss you like crazy. More than I thought possible. Raising my daughter now makes me even miss you more. Just a few days ago, I took her to her first musical….and sat in your seats. What a bittersweet moment it was…..all the while watching her face and seeing her enjoy her first live musical performance….I was remembering all of the musicals we had shared.
To say I am thankful for the mother you were to me……would be an understatement. You helped to mold me into the strong woman I am today. You gave me a belief in myself that has helped me through obstacles that many would not have fought through…… but I always remember some of the many things you taught me…..and persevere.
I know I will get to see you again, of that I am sure. That makes me smile. We didn’t have enough time together on this earth. You were taken from me too soon……and you suffered too long. I am ready to spend eternity with you and I soo look forward to seeing you in a healthy, cancer-free body!
I can’t wait! I love you more than words can say! And I’m thankful for ALL the memories with you in them. The good, the bad and the ugly!!
Til we meet again, momma! ~c
My Life as a COMMA! 
Leave a Reply