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This past week….a small rant!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 4, 2012| 3 Comments »

This past week…I thought…was supposed to be better.  Monday was my day off and to be honest…I was spent. The not sleeping and emotions of the previous two weeks had caught up to me.  I spent a lot of the day in bed….just trying to rest my body and my mind.

But on this day….there were two new tragedies in the world that resonated with me.  One, was the school shootings in Ohio. The other, was much closer to home, on many accounts.  Here, where I live, there had been another family shattered by a double murder/suicide. A young couple….not even 30 yet…and their one year old daughter were all gone…….

I want to SCREAM!!!!  This is ridiculous! This should NOT keep happening!!  This is NOT OKAY!!!!!

When, did we begin to think that if everything doesn’t go our way………….well, then I’ll just kill myself…AND those around me????  WHEN?  What is happening here??

I really want to tell these people those babies are not “yours”.  They are not possessions you can take with you.  Just because things aren’t good here on this earth for you….  does NOT mean you can take these children with you.  Children are NOT possessions!

They are gifts.

Gifts from God to have for a little while.  There are no promises they will be here until after we are gone. We aren’t promised a tomorrow with anyone here on this earth.  Only He knows how longs these gifts will last.  Only He knows if these gifts will outlive us and live a long life.

These gifts are not possessions.  Just as you can’t take possessions with you when you die….not the clothes on your back …. or the car in your garage.  You also can’t….and definitely don’t have the RIGHT….to choose to take these children with you if you choose to kill yourself!!!

Less than two weeks after my children died…..I received a call from my ex-husband’s great-grandmother.  Great Gran told me that she had no idea that we had marital problems.  She was so sad to see me not come around any more.  She didn’t know what happened…..and said she really didn’t care.  She said she did have one question though.  So….I waited.  She said, “Cheli, why didn’t he just do this to himself and just leave those boys alone?”.  How I wish I had an answer for her.  I just cried.  She got it.  It didn’t matter what had happened…..if this was his choice…..he only should have chosen this for himself….not anyone else.

Let me say…..I KNOW that this is not how everyone thinks.  But what I am most bothered about is that not only is it happening more and more around us….. It seems as if people are almost not shocked when it happens.  There are more comments about someone in the public eye passing away (of natural causes) than that of innocent children being violently taken from this world!!!  There is something wrong with this picture!

My heart breaks for the families that are left to deal with these tragedies.  For all involved…there is no resolve.  There really is no way they can begin to understand WHY this has happened.  There is no way to comprehend just what was going through these people’s minds that made them feel so hopeless…..or so much hate….or so much rage….or despair.  We will just never know.

Why?

Why would something like this happen?

Why would God allow this?

If you are looking for these answers….I’m not sure if I can help you.

I don’t, specifically, know why.  But I do know this……

Just as I’ve told my children and other friends…..  We don’t ever want to truly understand why….. or what they were thinking when they committed these crimes.  The media wants to delve in and find out all this information…..I say leave it be.  Here is my thinking.  If we understand what they were thinking and why they did it….then on some level…that means we could think like them…..and we don’t ever want to be able to do that!  I want it to remain unfathomable to me how someone could take the life of another human being……especially that of a child.  I want it to be a shock when I hear of a tragedy like this…because I don’t ever want to understand how this could happen.

And…I also know this.  That I may not ever understand WHY God allows these things to happen.  I know, in the past fifteen years, I have seen such blessings that have occurred from something very directly, or even indirectly, related to my children’s deaths.  This is difficult.  But also a blessing to me.

I also know that in the bible….I have never been able to find where He has promised me a “Very full of everything wonderful and nothing difficult, always smiling because everything is perfect life”.  Nope.  Not anywhere did I find this.  I find so many places that share that I should rejoice in my sufferings and give thanks for trials.  Hmmmm….sounds to me like He knew life wouldn’t be easy.

You see, if you believe that God is an all-knowing, omnipotent God………then you have to belive that before He even gifted me with my boys…..He not only knew the day they would be born….AND …..the day they would die.  He also knew how they would die.

I also know God will use their story for HIS good.   He will use their lives for His glory.  I thought, for some time that……when I do enter His kingdom and get to see Him on His throne….I can finally ask him just that…..      WHY????????

But you know what?  The longer I continue to live……and the more I yearn to be there….the more I realize………….

By the time I get there……it really isn’t going to matter any more.  The “Why did this happen?” will no longer be important to me. Because, I will be there.  I will be with my Lord…..AND my children.  So……if it isn’t going to matter then…….WHY should it concern me now?  For now…I’ll just continue to live my life……..trying to find the purpose of WHY…..I am still here.

Maybe it is to share their story.  To offer hope to others………. Whatever it is…….I’m here…..

❤ ~c

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New memories!!!…..

Posted in Uncategorized on February 28, 2012| 1 Comment »

Last night I was able to create a brand. new. memory…one for the record books!  AND it just about made me puke!!!

So…… it all started last Wednesday when my sweet son brought home this.

 

Now…he knew this was already a hard day for me.  He had been up at 3:30 am and told me how sorry he was for this day and how much he loved me! (insert proud mom smile and heavy sigh!  Awwww..;)….) But little did he know…the above manilla envelope would basically….throw me into a tail spin!!

I saw it.  I looked at it. Then, I did what any mom would do….. I threw it on the table and refused to open it!  I mean, seriously!  Do these people not understand that I am just trying to make it through the day….week!!!??!!  NO…they send me this…and expect me to fill it out too!!

So, as any great parent would do….I didn’t read it…until Sunday night!  I sat down, with my baby by my side, and we read the entire packet for his 7th grade (that is JUNIOR HIGH) enrollment!  We read through every paper (and there were lots of them!) and discussed it all.  He decided to take all pre-AP classes and a block course that has a tasting of all electives.  There. Done mom.

What?  Excuse me?  It is not that easy. This is my baby boy.  This is not supposed to be happening!!!

I know there are many of you….that have experienced this.  AND I know you’ve lived to tell about it!  Well………I’m still not convinced! 🙂

All kidding aside…for now…..it was a very momentous occasion.  We went to the school.  I have not set foot in that school since I had to pick up my baby sister once when she was sick! (and that was quite some time ago)  I sat in a desk in one of the class rooms and kind of glazed over as she went through the packet and all they would be going through. She talked about lockers..and books…and stuff that elementary kids just don’t experience!

Wait a minute!  Where did the time go? How did we get here?  I know this didn’t just happen….but it did.  It hit me like a ton of bricks…like a train that came out of nowhere!  Actually….it didn’t.  I knew this day was coming.  I knew this was going to happen.  He is growing up.  He is becoming more independent.  He is changing……..

I want to scream…..STOP!  Don’t do it!  Don’t grow up!  But then…..I want to encourage him…..  To become MORE than he can imagine….to do MORE than he ever thought he could!  He has such a sweet heart and I can only imagine all that God has planned for him!  I am so excited to get to be a part of his life!

So, even though this is a milestone I never was able to walk through with his brothers….I am THANKING GOD for giving me the opportunity to walk through it with him.  I can’t believe I got to be a mommy again….I can’t believe He chose me to be Bryce’s mom!  I am the luckiest person on this earth.

 There is a huge reason I call Bryce my rainbow.  Because on nights like last night….as I walk through new memories….with butterflies in my stomach…..He again reminds me that He is with me and He will carry me through ANYthing…..

even Junior High!!!

God…grant me strength! 🙂

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Collections…..what are yours??

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25, 2012| 1 Comment »

Do you consider yourself to be a collector?  I have been.  I kinda still am.  I don’t avidly collect any more.  But I do have certain things I am drawn to.

A long time ago….I used to collect teddy bears. I collected stuffed bears, bear figurines, pictures of bears….just about any kind of bear you can imagine (as long as it was cute) was the kind of bear I wanted to have.  I loved that they were so cute, so cuddly.  To me they represented innocence.  They represented a certain child like quality that I just adored.

I had quite a lot of bears. One particular kind I liked were the Cherished Teddies collection.  I would drool over the masses of them.  When new ones would come out…I would want it so badly.  I had a box full of the empty boxes in my attic because I remembered hearing they would be more valuable if you had the original boxes!  So I guess you could say….along with my teddy bear collection….I had amassed a collection of boxes to go with them!!

But then….I remember in 1995, after the Oklahoma City bombing….watching the public funeral service.  At this service, each family member there….mourning the loss of their loved one, was given a teddy bear.  The bears were light in color and seemed to have a print ribbon around its neck.  They were soft and cuddly…yes.  I guess someone thought it would be something they could hold on to as they grieved the horrific loss of their loved one.

All of a sudden….I realized….that was one type of bear…I NEVER wanted to have in my collection.  For every bear ….represented the life of a lost loved one.

As I watched these families….with broken hearts…clinging to these bears…I knew….I really didn’t want to collect things any more….. because these things…could never truly represent….the lives..of the loved ones lost.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”                                         Romans 6:19-21

The bible tells us not to amass our treasure here on earth.  Don’t let losing a loved one be the wake up call you need to understand that relationships, the love of people, showing the love of our Lord to others……that is what we need to treasure!!!  Those are the “things” we should collect.

The reason I am sharing this today is because….15 years ago today….I laid my children to rest.  We had the funeral and graveside services.

At the funeral….there were displays of some of each of the boys favorite “things”.  Their favorite stuffed animals…..their sports equipment…..their blankies….all STUFF that they couldn’t take with them!

The memory of the bears I never wanted to have in my collection is very close to my heart for a very specific reason…..  Allow me to share a story that happened at the graveside…after the service was over.

You see, one of Cory’s friends…..had stood off to the side waiting for an opportunity to come and speak to me.  There had been a line of family and friends who stayed after the service to come and give me a hug….to offer a prayer or words of encouragement.  After all of them had gone through…this sweet little fourth grader came up to me.  I was sitting in a chair …. and I remember he had a cast on his arm.  He was having a bit of a difficult time because of the cast.  His arms were full and when he approached me he opened his arms so that what he was carrying would fall into my lap.  As I looked down…..to my amazement…..guess what I saw……

3 Teddy Bear Angels!!!!!

He had no way of knowing I had a teddy bear collection…or my feelings about the bears for the families of the bombing victims.  I later found out he had told his mom he wanted to get me something and “he would know what it was when he found it”! She had taken him to Cracker Barrel and he found these bears.  She only had enough money to pay for one….but he insisted on three.  He shared his story with the manager…..who graciously donated the other two bears. He wanted to make sure I had three bears to represent my three boys.

After he gave me these bears he just hugged me.  I held on to him pretty tightly myself.  After our embrace he lingered and I could tell he wanted to say something. I was totally unprepared for what would come out of his mouth and what was weighing so heavily on his heart.

“Miss Cheli….  My mom and dad are getting a divorce……

Is my Daddy gonna kill me too?”

Oh. my. goodness.   I grabbed him and held him and cried tears of sorrow.  I tried to reassure him that both of his parents loved him and that this wouldn’t happen to him.  I cried angry tears because no child should have to worry about that!!!  I cried tears of sorrow…because I honestly didn’t have the assurance behind my words that I would have had just a week before this. I just held him until he seemed to be okay.  I thanked him for the bears and told him he would be okay.  To talk to his mommy and to ask God to help him.  I told him he had a friend who was an angel to watch over him now and he could talk to him when he needed to as well!

As he walked off and I was left there…with three white caskets in front of me…..I realized that our treasure really is in heaven.  As precious as those little teddy angels are…they can never replace….not even close…..the angels who are in heaven now.

So hold your babies…..call your loved ones….let your guard down and allow yourself to be real with the people you love.  We truly aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow with them.  You can have “stuff”….but you can’t take it with you.  When your loved ones are gone….there is no “thing” that can ever replace them.

In case you are wondering….yes…I do still have those teddy angels.  For the past 15 years…they have enjoyed a prominent place on my bed…daily reminders.

Some days….when I see them….. I think of my boys…..  But other days…I am reminded of the love of others….almost strangers….and the simple fact that one small act of kindness….can create a life time memory.  So thank you….for my bears.

Blessings to you all…..and angel hugs today! ~c

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The Second Worst Day of my life….then came choices.

Posted in Uncategorized on February 23, 2012| 2 Comments »

Every one knows that the worst day of my life was February 22, 1997.  Even the last Oprah show I appeared on was titled just that, “The Worst Day of Your Life”.   But most people don’t know that I truly consider 15 years ago today, February 23, 1997 the second worst day of my life.

Allow me to explain.  After the worst and longest day of my life….I finally fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.  The next morning, when I awoke, that was when it hit me…..like a ton of bricks….that this was REAL.  Waking up to the reality that everything I had experienced the day before…wasn’t just a bad dream…..was the second worst realization I had.  Realizing that I would wake up every day …. for the rest of my life to this new reality…..was what made it the second worst day of my life.

I remember screaming….again…and having a huge break down.  To the point that I was finding it hard to breathe again.  I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.  It was as if I was reliving it all over again…every painful moment.

It is kind of funny how my memory works now.  I can replay the 4 days before the boys died…where we were….what we ate…and conversations we had.  But the days after….are a blur.  There are some very clear moments…..but for the most part….I don’t have a lot of specific memories.  I do remember people coming to mom and dad’s house, where I was staying.  I remember the kiddos….and going to the school to reassure the parents the funeral would be as “kid friendly” as possible.  I remember the many tender cards and sweet notes from everyone…I still have every single one of them.

But after that day….I chose to do it over and over again.  Some days were harder than others….they still are.  But the third day…I didn’t have the terrible realization terror like before.  The fourth day….was the funeral.  Then from there….life just started happening again.

I just made the choice to keep going.  To search for the purpose in each day.  Sometimes it was the purpose in just that moment….but I chose to keep seeking it out.

I didn’t get to choose this new reality….but I DID get to choose how I reacted.  To go on…… or not.  To get up every day……or not.  To look to my heavenly Father to hold me…..or not.  To pull the covers over my head……or get out of bed and face life head on…..  Each choice was mine.  I chose….  to not let this define my life.

How? you might ask.

I chose to make sure that the funeral service was a celebration of the life of my boys……because I wanted them to be remembered for the lives they lived….not they way in which they died.

I chose to keep going…..because I felt if those kids that were they boys’ friends could see me going on….they’d know it was okay for them to go on as well.

I chose to continue to live….becuase I was left here….so I knew I must still have a purpose here on earth.

Every choice I made wasn’t right and every choice I made wasn’t easy.  But they were my choices.  We all have that…..we all have choices.

There is power in knowing this very thing.  There is power in being able to choose.  It is part of God’s great design.  He has given us power…in choosing…

“then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve,” Joshua 24:15

We even have to choice of serving God…or serving ourselves.

So….while small choices…like getting out of bed when you would rather pull the covers over your head and wish the world would just go away….may seem like such small, insignificant things.  It is a choice.

Small choices can lead to greater choices.  What seems insignificant now….you might look back and realize that small choice was the catalyst for something great.

So, while this date….15 years ago…..I consider the second worst day of my life….I also have to look back and realize it is also the day I started taking very small steps…and making my own choices in my new life.  Some better than others…. 🙂

But each was my choice to make.  I chose to take that power and continue to live….continue to dream….continue to smile.

I hope that this gives everyone hope.  Hope that when you wake up….it is always the first day of the rest of your life.  YOU choose how it will go….and if you aren’t able to choose everything that has happened to you…..you ARE able to choose how you will react to it.

Many blessings to you all…..and thank you for all the sweet words and prayers to help me through these past fifteen years!

~c

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Remembering…15 years ago…with hope…

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on February 22, 2012| 9 Comments »

My sweet babies!!

 I can’t even believe that it has been 15 years since my babies were here.  I can’t believe I have lived so much more life since they left this earth than they were able to spend here with me.  I can’t even put into words how much my heart hurts right now….and always.  I can’t describe the pain and hurt I feel…..the aching to be with them.  Just to hug them….one. more. time.

I remember that morning….

5:15

That is what the clock read when I picked up the phone.  I still have a difficult time looking at clocks when they read this time.  This is the time I knew something was wrong….but I just didn’t know yet exactly what that was.  I spent the next hour….making calls….praying…trying to figure out….because I knew that something just. wasn’t. right.

6:15

This is when my dad called us back.  I remember watching my sister’s face to see if I could see anything in her expression to let me know what was going on.  Then as she handed the phone to me….I remember Daddy saying, “Cheli, the police just came and the boys are gone.”  And then I remember, with the hope of a mommy who loves her babies so much….thinking….and saying, “Oh good……do they think….they know….where he took them?”.  It was then that dad had to tell me the whole truth.  It was then…..I raged….and then fell.  It is the next little while…I don’t remember feeling…or much of anything.  I don’t remember getting into my van…..or reaching for the clothes they had left…..All I remember is looking out the window…and thinking I didn’t know why we were even going back to Okc….I mean….I didn’t have anything left.  I was just…..numb.

I don’t know where we were in the trip home..but I remember something happening.  I remember God speaking to me and realizing that my babies were okay. They were in heaven…..WITH GOD.  I knew they didn’t hurt…they had no sadness….no sorrow.  Only joy.  As a mom….that is all you can hope for….. is KNOWING your babies are okay.  Knowing they are safe.  For me, knowing they were in the arms of our Heavenly Father….was what gave me hope.  I woke up.  I woke up to the fact that I was still here.  I still had things to do.  I had to show others the hope that I had.  The hope in Him that if we are still here….we have a purpose.  The hope of knowing when our loved ones are gone……if we are followers of Christ….we will all be reunited for eternity.  This is what woke me up and gave me a new purpose.

I mean….look at these faces….

They LOVED life! They gave it their everything….every day!

They had fun!  But even their short life wasn’t always easy.  There were some very dark and difficult times.  But if you remember…or knew my boys at all…you’ll remember that no matter where they were…or how bad things were in their lives….they were always smiling!!!  Their smiles…..showed HOPE.  Their hope….I know for a fact….was in HIM!  If those sweet boys….could smile through anything….then this momma….will always do the same!  You have no idea how much I want to make them proud.  Usually it is the other way around.  It is usually the child that wants to please the parent and make them proud.  But for me….I just want to show them….that in my time left here without them…I was able to smile.  Through the pain…and the tears…I continue to smile.  Not because it is easy….but because that is what they would have done.

Cody’s friends and teachers talked about his smile.  They talked about how it lighted up a room.  I miss that…. more than I can express.

Cory’s friends and teachers also talked about his smile.  How he loved to smile and perform.  I miss that…..so bad it hurts.

Caby’s friends loved his smile.  It was so fun and mischevious.

I miss that…..more every day.

But I have hope.  Allow me to share the scripture that was in the funeral brochure.

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand,.  And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disapoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he ahs given us.”      Romans 5:1-5

This is it.  FAITH. HOPE. and LOVE.

As angry as I get….at what happened…at the fact I will never get to see my babies grow up…..never get to see who they would have become….never get to experience so many of the milestones with them….never get to be a Gramma….never get to do A LOT of things……  As angry as all that makes me….  I have hope. That is what woke me up 15 years ago today.  The hope that I am still here and have so much more.  The hope that my still being here on this earth….means that I have to fulfill my purpose…and show others that hope.  The hope that through my smile…..others see my boys.  The hope…that one day…we will ALL walk together again…into and for eternity!

That is where my hope lies.  15 years ago…for a brief time…I lost hope.  But then God reminded me….He is still on the throne….and He is holding my sweet boys…. and keeping them safe…until I can hold them again too.

For so many, not just myself, this day 15 years ago…changed a part of their life.  There were so many affected.  So many that hurt.  So many, that even today, remember.  Please do me the honor of leaving a memory here….. and please….sweet friends and family….know that there is always hope.  God not only holds my boys in His hands…but he is holding each one of us every moment of every day.  Some days…for me…it is a moment by moment thing..just getting by.  It is then I crawl into His lap to cry. He lets me be sad and understands my tears.  He holds me and comforts like no one else can.

So today….as I allow myself to be sad….and miss the sweet smiles of my angels…let me leave you with this.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Be thankful and kind to those around you.  You never know it….but your smile and kindness could be the hope they need to keep going….just one more day.

Forever remembering…..until the memories unfold into eternity with you!

I love you all … my sweet c3angels!    ~mommy

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Out of the mouths of babes….

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on February 15, 2012| 4 Comments »

Last night we had a fabulous family Valentine’s Day.  We spent the evening just enjoying each other.  We made an easy, family friendly dinner and as we sat around the dinner table we were talking and sharing about our day.   I asked my son to share one reason why he loved his sister…then I asked her the same about her brother.  Then they started asking us about what we lo about each of them.  We spent a long time sharing reasons why we loved each other and just affirming each other.  I have to tell you…it did this momma’s heart good to hear my children share such fond, and touching reasons why they love each other!  Especially since that is NOT how they act all the time (or even most of the time!).

But when we had gone a couple of times each and my son asked his dad to share another reason why he loved my daughter….SHE replied, “Because we have the exact same nose!”.  We all BUSTED out laughing.  I had a mouth full of food and almost choked and then laughed so hard I was almost in tears!  This is so funny to me because I remember when I was pregnant with her…..my husband and I were having a conversation about what she might look like and he specifically said, “I think she will be beautiful!  I just pray she doesn’t come out with my nose!!”.  We all just had a good old fashioned belly laugh!  It was so good to be sitting around the dinner table sharing such joy and laughter with my family….DEFINITELY very high up there on the best Valentines memory list!

It was also last night that out of nowhere, my son’s heart showed itself in a huge way.  I have to say that it totally caught me off guard.  We were all bantering and talking and I was standing at the stove preparing dinner.  We were all in the kitchen and he ….. out of nowhere…… said, “So mom….is February 22nd the worst day of the year for you?”.  By the time he finished his question…he was standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me.  I looked over at my husband, with tears in my eyes, and just softly answered, “yes.”.  He just continued to hold me and he said, “I thought so. I’m sorry.”.  He gave me another squeeze and went on about his evening.  I, however, took a little longer to put myself back into the “happy” compartment.  It is times like this that remind me that I don’t have to go through this alone…I have a others to go through this with. Bryce loves me and his brothers….and is getting old enough to share my sorrow with me…..and that is huge!

So….I am thankful today for a blessed and wonderful Valentine’s Day.  I am thankful that I got to see more glimpses into my children’s hearts.  I am thankful that deep down, they really understand what love and family mean.  I am thankful that their daddy, loves them…and me…with all his heart.  I am just blessed.

Today I thank God that as I prepare and go through this next week…leading up to “the worst day of the year” for me….as my son so eloquently put it….I thank Him for the constant reminders…… that I am so blessed to still be here.  I am still needed on this earth. I am still in search for the purpose He would have me fulfill…….and that love runs deep in my home.  I am thankful that as we shared what we loved about each other …… each person’s heart and how tender and sweet …. was one of the first things shared.  I thank God for growing each of us…in His time.

I seek your prayers….for as strong as He is, I am weak.  This is a difficult time.  Joy is still present.  But so are memories that hurt very deeply.  For the next few weeks I can share with you so much about where we were and conversations we were having 15 years ago…..  This can sometimes comfort me…but also torment me. 

I know my God still, and always will, sit on the throne!  I know He will guide my path, as He always has, and strengthen me in this time.  I know all of this… but the pain is still very real and present.  Sometimes it seems it would be easier to just hole up….stop reaching out…and not go on.  That is why I need, I crave, nights like last night!  More blessings…more silver linings….to keep me moving forward ….. in order to fulfill my purpose and get me closer to my eternal Valentine’s celebration…where all our hearts and souls can reunite and rejoice together….forever!

Share love, joy and laughter with those around you.  You may never know how much they may need it!

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It’s Heart Month….have you had your heart checked?

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , on February 11, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Well….it’s February!  HEART month! 

As my kids prepare this weekend to make their annual Valentine’s boxes for school this weekend….it has made me take a look at what has been going on in my heart and in others around me.

This past week has been a little difficult for me.  Last week there was a senseless tragedy that is similar to my own that made national news.  I have had several wonderful people reach out to me and ask if I am ok…..and offer (much needed) prayer for me during this time. 

Part of what is so difficult though…really hit home on Thursday night.  It has really made me reflect on the “condition” of our hearts.  Not if we have clogged arteries or an irregular heart beat……but the condition of how much and what we allow to Break Our Hearts!

When was the last time your heart broke?  When was the last time your heart was so broken you felt like you couldn’t breathe?  When, my friend, was the last time your heart was broken to the point you felt called to action?  When…..have you felt for someone else….and not been able to sleep because your heart broke for them?

I spoke at a small gathering this past Thursday evening.  I shared my story and the story of my family to a group of some very strong and courageous people!  One lady, at the end shared with me that she remembered my story. She said she cried for a week every time she thought about it.  That took me back a little.  I mean, I remember crying for weeks….DUH!…..but she was a total stranger.  Yet….her heart broke every time she thought of me or my boys or anyone in my family……broke to the point of tears.

Does this still happen?  Or have we closed off parts of our hearts so that we don’t feel that deeply any more?  I know that there are more and more tragedies just like mine that happen much more often and they barely get any mention any more because it seems so common place! 

Allow me to share a couple of stories with you that highlight some people that allow their hearts to still break….

The first is a friend of mine who just this past week sent me a text and asked me to pray for a very difficult situation.  She asked if I could help her grasp the idea that something she was trying for just wouldn’t happen and that if she could just grasp that reality it wouldn’t hurt as much because right then…..it hurt a LOT!  I told her I would pray …… but I also told her that getting our hopes up is not a bad thing!  We hope for the best and have trust…and that is what we are called to do!  Yes…it leaves our heart more vulnerable for hurt….but also makes us more compassionate and caring and moldable!  I asked her to not close her heart or stop expecting….because that allows HIS plan to unfold and we will be open to it!  Hurt is a part of life. 

The second is a friend who has opened her heart…and her home….to foster children.  She has a heart that is burdened by these sweet children “who haven’t done anything to deserve what is happening!”.  I so often hear others say, “Nope.  I couldn’t do that…because when they came to get that baby and give it back to its mom or dad…I’d be like….No way!  I’m too attached!”  or…..they say, “How can I do that to my kids….let them get attached to a child like a sibling only to have them ripped from their home and break their hearts?”.  I love the way her heart has broken for these children and the way she looks at it…  She says, “How can I NOT….take these babies in?  They didn’t do anything to deserve this.  And if I don’t take them…..who will?  A shelter is not what these babies deserve.  They deserve a home where they are loved like they are a part of a family.”.  And that is exactly what the little boy she has now is experiencing …..  a family that truly loves him.  She encourages the parents to work their plan to be able to have their child back as soon as possible…. and KNOWS that her heart will break when they do and this baby is placed back into it’s parent’s home.  She also knows her children will have a hard time…..but also knows that she wants to teach them that this is what we are here to do….to make a difference in the lives of others…..to let God break our hearts for something…and not just sit on the sidelines and gripe or hope that someone else will do something about it…..  To let our hearts BREAK………  for others……

Just like the sweet lady I met who cried for a week over my loss…..  a stranger.

So…..this heart month as you prepare to give a Valentine to someone you know and love…please also take a little time to check the condition of your heart.  I truly believe that the more our hearts break……the bigger they can get.  Let’s not get so desensitized to what is happening around us that we don’t think there is anything we can do about it.  God can do anything…..He just needs a willing heart to step forward to show His love…..

~cheli

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Making a Plan!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 8, 2012| 8 Comments »

Okay…so I admit it has been a while..but I have had to give myself permission to rest from parts of life.  But in doing so…God..ever-so-nudgingly…(is that even a word??) has shown me that I need to have this space to vent, to share…and that maybe others need this as well…so here goes 2012!!  If you are one who would like me to post more often…less often or WHATEVER…please leave me a comment!  Let me know what you’d like to see…how often and any topics you’d like to see me write about or share!  I love everyone of you and know that it is through your love and prayers…I have gotten to where I am today!  So……now it’s your turn!  Go………..!

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Happy Birthday Sweet Caleb!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 13, 2011| 6 Comments »

Well…here I sit….it is midnight…and now another birthday is here.  Another birthday without my sweet Caby baby!  On this day…you should be celebrating your 23rd birthday.   Instead…I am here with my laptop….crying..and wishing you were here.

Maybe I should have titled this post, “I WISH”.  Because at times like this there are so many things I wish…for me…and for you.

I wish……I could have seen just how smart you were.  I know how the teachers looked forward to testing you.  You had a way with knowing things that you just shouldn’t know….like what direction we were traveling…when you were only 3!  You just had this wisdom…about so many things…and you absorbed any knowledge given you like a sponge!  I always share when I speak about you ….  how the teachers were so excited to see how you would score…but they never had the opportunity to test you…so I tell everyone…YOU WERE BRILLIANT!

I wish…..I could see how you would have handled life as a teenager.  You were the sweet boy who wasn’t afraid to try anything you wanted….and just didn’t care what others thought.  I’d like to have seen that carry over into your teen years.  I can imagine you as kinda geeky…but still an athlete and continuing with music and choir.  Your knowledge and drive would have probably been misread by some….but to others…I’m sure you would have continued to be the best friend they had!!!

I wish……I had seen where you would have attended college.  What field of study you would have chosen or if it would have been more than one.  I know that you would have found something you loved and that you thought would somehow benefit others……and you would have run with it!

I wish….I could see that smile of yours again.  No matter what was going on around you….you smiled.  You had this way of being so very serious and yet not taking yourself or this world too seriously…all in the same breath!  Your smile would just make my day then….as I am sure it would right now.

I wish….I knew…so many things. …..  If you’d be married…..or engaged.  If you’d tell me you were so busy that you just didn’t have time for a girl!! 🙂  I wonder if you’d live close..or far away. …. but still need your mom for things like….laundry and meals! 🙂  I wonder where you’d be working…or if you’d continue your education and be in school.  I wonder……so much….. 

I wish…..   

But my wishes can’t come true.  My wishes are hopes for a continuation of what I have had….and a merging of that into what I have now.  My wishes are for less pain…..fewer tears.  For my child to hold……  but you would no longer be a child.  You would be a man. 

You will always be my baby.  Although my imagination can’t hardly imagine you as a man…….  my heart will always love you as my child.  Although my God gave you to me for such a short time on this earth…..  my God has also promised me an eternity in His Kingdom with you there! 

Tonight I don’t just wish…for that eternity…..my heart longs for it!  I can’t spend all my time on wishing….. I must continue living….  because for some reason…I have life…..left to live.  I have family and friends…whom I love very much…that are here in this time…..on this earth…for me to love.  It doesn’t mean I don’t love my sweet baby….. it just means I can’t spend the rest of this life wishing for things that I can never have!

Caleb Harrison….you…my sweet….still make me smile.  🙂  You…sweet child….make me want to be a better mom!  You…dear son…… nudge me to be oh so serious….but seriously silly….all in the same breath!  You…..are one of the reasons I will continue to go on……  yet yearn for the eternity of birthdays we will spend together! 

So for now…..I wish you Happy Birthday!  That is my wish….that today….your life be celebrated!  8 years on earth…was enough to change so many!  You changed me……with your first breath!  I love you….forever and always.  Through tears…and happy times….I will forever be your mom….  I wish…..no ….I know…..  you are here with me…  I will be with you…one day….and we will walk, and smile….and wish…no more.

All my love, sweet baby Caby….  ~mommy

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Happy BIrthday BRYCEE!!!!!!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Oh my goodness!  I never thought this day would get here……..for so many reasons! 

The first…..because my sweet baby boy has been gone to camp ALL WEEK!!  He left with his entire sixth grade class on Monday and I haven’t seen him or talked to him since!!  I’ll admit…the quiet….was nice for about a night….but I miss that boy like crazy!!!!  Here is his pic from when he left…

Bryce on the left…and his other “too cool for school” friends ready for camp!!

This is him now……  but I remember him when he was just a tiny smiling little boy!

Of course, as with all my kids, the day he was born, and leading up to his birth, are VERY memorable!!
 
About two weeks before he was due, my sweet boy decided to do a somersault and he got stuck half way through it!  Literally! At my doctor appointment I was informed that he had turned breech.  I’ll be honest……..it totally freaked me out!  I remember driving from the office…where I had heard the words “caesarean section”….. and having to pull over about 2 blocks from the office because I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe.  I remember being scared because I had NEVER had any kind of surgery!  I remember thinking I had experienced natural child-birth 3 times already and I felt like I would be robbing Bryan of this experience with his first child.  I remember being scared and just sitting in the car thinking how bad I just wanted my mom.  I missed her and my boys and this was just another way I was reminded how badly I needed her!
But a great friend talked me through my fear and I was able to drive home safely! 
 
For the next two weeks I did EVERYTHING possible to try to get my bundle of joy to move!  and I mean EVERYthing!!  But….going to the doctor on the day before his birth…I realized he had not moved.  Only one last thing to try……a version.  I had no clue really…what this was.  But I agreed.
 
I met the doctor at the hospital early.  If the version didn’t work….then I would go into have my c-section immediately since the baby would possibly be so stressed from the version.  So all of my family assembled at the hospital and we went into a pre-surgery room to try the version.
 
For those of you who don’t know what this procedure is….let me just tell you!  This is where they take all of the ultrasound goop they possibly can….and pour it ALL OVER your belly.  Then the doctor takes his forefinger and thumbs and puts them on the baby’s head and buttocks….and tries to manually manipulate him to move from the outside by pushing with his thumbs from the outside!!  Now….sounds innocent enough….but after 3 natural births with no drugs…this was the most painful thing EVER!!  My sweet husband was so worried because I was crying from the pain.  The doctor would have to stop and take breaks so I could regain composure. I am not sure how long we tried…but it seemed like forever!  My little man’s rear end would move…but his head seemed to be stuck in my rib cage.  Should’ve realized then just how head strong this boy would be!!
 
Needless to say….it didn’t work.  So I was very quickly prepped for surgery.  Again, I lost it.  Fear and failure crept into my world.  My husband reassured me that as long as our baby and I were okay….that is all that mattered.  But it is the words of my sweet sister that still ring true today…..
 
She told me to basically buck up!~  This way of bringing him into the world was a blessing….because this child…this son would have his own story.  God was allowing him to enter into this world in a totally different way from his brothers.  This would make him different from the beginning.   This would allow me and others to never compare him to his brothers.  Just another blessing to this birth.  Don’t feel like this is something wrong…this was ordained by God to give me a new beginning…a new experience with this child like I had never had before.
 
So at 9:02 am….my sweet Bryce Carlton was born.  He weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce and was 18 3/4 inches long.  He was perfect.  He was ….. and is….. my rainbow promise from God.  I love him more than words can say!  I am so proud to be his mom!
 
So today….I am going to cling to my sister’s words yet again.  You see…today is another milestone in my son’s and my life that I have never seen before.  He is the first …. of any of my children …. to turn 12.  It is so hard to describe the joy and the pain of today.  To tell you how happy I am …yet at the same time…how bad it hurts…..honestly… I just can’t put into words! I love it and hate it all at the same time….
 
But today is another gift…another rainbow day for me.  This is the first of many new days!  This day sets my son apart from his brothers in so many ways.  He is so much like them…and yet so different all at the same time! 
 
Today…I celebrate my wonderful son Bryce!  I thank God for the opportunity to be your mom.  I thank God for the opportunity to be a mom again. I thank God for the literal, stubborn, loving and amazing child He chose to bless me with.
 
I look forward to so many new days with him.  So many new adventures!  Girls, junior high and teenage years!  Here we come!!!!
 
Much love to you my sweet son! 
I love you to eternity!
~mom

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