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Hard Times…My Two Worlds are Colliding!!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on May 21, 2015| 2 Comments »

It’s hard for me to put into words what is going on in my head right now. To say my two worlds are colliding….would be a gross understatement!! I can’t even make sense of it all right now…..all I know…is I’m one big, heaping mess of emotions.

Let me try to explain.

This is the last week of elementary school for my sweet daughter. She is my baby…so this is definitely an emotional time for me. But, the fact her three oldest brothers never experienced this part of life…makes the emotions compound. Cody, my oldest, made it to sixth grade…but never to his sixth grade graduation. Sis has her ceremony next Tuesday. The last day of school is next Wednesday. So we are officially in the last week of our elementary time…..ever. 

I’m so proud of my sweet baby girl. She is simply beautiful….and her heart shines brighter with each passing day. Our conversations amaze me and I love the simplicity of her heart. The innocence she still possesses yet the growth she is experiencing is a blessing to watch! She is maturing…day to day I see changes in her…and she isn’t a baby any more. Although, this morning, while trying to wake her…I tickled her to the point of her crawling into my lap…..where she laid her head on my shoulder…and just let me hold her…and rock her. We stayed there for quite a while…  I relished every second. I asked her if she will still crawl in my lap when she is grown and let me rock her. She said she would….though I don’t think it will happen often. These are moments my heart will forever treasure!! She will always be my baby girl. No matter what.

Then…there is my son. We are actively looking for a vehicle for him to have. He turns sixteen soon and will be driving himself…and his little sister…to school….and everywhere. In the last couple weeks….he has amazed me with some of the paths he is considering for his life. To say I love the times when the two of us talk…just wouldn’t describe the joy this boy brings to my life. He is the rainbow…the promise…the continuation of my parenting a boy through life. At this point….I couldn’t compare him to his brothers…even if I wanted to. But I don’t even try. He is so much his own person. His voice is deep and I love to hear it. His smile is huge….(now that is like his brothers though!!) He is evolving into a young man…with an awesome heart…right in front of me. This will be his last week with his friends at his school before starting his new adventure in school in July. 

His heart though….wow. Let me share.

Like I said, we’ve been searching for cars (trucks) for a bit now. He sends me or tags me pics and stuff he finds quite often…so last week when I received a text with a pic…all I saw was …”What do you think?” and that it had a pic attached. I was in a meeting when I received it so I waited to open it. Thinking it was another truck…I opened it. What I saw…..well……it was a hand-written note. I sat alone in a glass room at the conference table and read. My eyes began to “leak” and then full blown cry. 

A few weeks back…he had asked what Cody’s favorite color was. I told him it was blue. ….. and asked him why. He said just wonderin. Okay……

Fast forward to my text….this is what the hand written note said, with my corrections in ( ).

             “C3 – About 17 years ago (actually it’s over 18 years) my mom was married to another man. Toghether they had 3 sons, Cody, Cory and Caleb ages 12 (11), 10 and 8. The dad (he used his name) had some mental issues. (how else would a child consider why he did what he did?) My mom, Cheli, had divorced him. One day my mom went to my aunt’s Graduation (she was in college…but it wasn’t graduation..just a visit) So the boys went to stay with their dad. On February 22, 1997  he (his name) called Cheli and while on the phone with her he shot and killed Cody, Cory and Caleb . Then a couple seconds later he shot himself. (Actually, he only shot himself while on the phone with me…the boys were already gone.)

               To this day there is not a day that goes by that we don’t think about them. On Saturday, May, 23, 2015…Cody Brian Fox would have been 30 years old. So….to honor him will everyone please wear a blue colored shirt (Cody’s favorite!) and put it on social media with #REMEMBERCODY.

                        PLEASE RETWEET/SHARE THIS.”

Yes…all on his own…he wanted to honor his brother…who he never even got to meet. I can’t begin to express what this did to my heart. Tonight…we’ll be tweaking this a bit and he will put it on his fb and instagram. My mommy’s heart is full and exploding all while it breaks at the same time. 

My daughter is also counting down the days until her brother’s birthday. I’ve taken off work…we’ll be together to celebrate.

Yes…my first born would be 30 this Saturday. Yes…my heart longs for the what would it be like? Where would he be? Who would he be with? Where would he work? Would he have kids? …..all of those things travel through my mind. If I allowed it to go on….I could easily see myself sinking deeper and deeper into a depressed pit. It would be hard to bring me out of it. 

But God, in His all-knowing wisdom…gave me a great family! A husband that loves me in all my crazy moods and spoils me rotten….. A son who let me into his world and understands the complexities of my heart…. A daughter who is my baby and lets me love her and guide her as she grows and teaches me more than she realizes!! They are my focus and help me balance the heart-wrenching feelings I feel….while loving and being a part of their world. They get me. They know how messed up I am…how fragile my emotions are….that sometimes mom needs an extra hug and to just hold them close for a bit longer. They accept my crazy and embrace it. They are what God gave me to help keep me grounded. They….love me. And I love them.

I don’t know how I lucked out on having five gloriously happy….wonderful…caring children!! But wow….as I sit here and watch my two worlds collide…once again…..I’m reminded just how blessed I am. Continually….undeservingly…..blessed. That’s the only way I know to describe it.

So, as I struggle for the next week or so….through this massive collision…..please pray for my family…

And if you think about it…… Please wear blue and #REMEMBERCODY

And…….don’t forget to smile. My children all have the biggest smiles. All of Cody’s friends commented on his smile…after he was gone…they remembered his smile. He was generous with it…always giving. It made others smile…..and there is just something about giving your smile away. So please…share a smile with someone…and remember my sweet boy. All my kids really…..

Much love and thanks…smiles too! 🙂 

enjoy the pics….~c

  

  
  

  
 

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Quite a day….such a proud mom!

Posted in Uncategorized on March 24, 2015| Leave a Comment »

Yesterday was a big day in our home!

My son, Bryce, was the recipient of all that was good! Yesterday he turned 15 1/2! Now, that half is a very important part of it..  You see, when you turn 15 1/2 here…you can take your test and if you pass, you recieve a Driver’s Permit! So, last week, during Spring Break….Bryce gave up two of his days to do 10 hours of in-class instruction at driving school. We made an appointment at the DPS to take his test on his 15 1/2 exact birthday….and off we went. I gathered all the needed documentation to prove he was who he said he was….and went into the office. 

He filled out a single sheet of paper and we were told to wait. He was called back and I asked if I should come with…the instructor motioned for me to come too. I went back to a little room…and the questions began!

“Are you his mother?”  Yes. “Are you 15 1/2?” Yes. “Good…because I’d have to send you packing if you didn’t have that half!”  Sign here….initial here…..fingerprinting….sight testing……and then….

“Okay….so I’m going to put you on a computer. It has 20 questions. You need to answer 15 correct to pass. You can skip as many as five before it counts against you. But they will come back around. The first question is a test question and if you get it wrong your computer will shut down….but you shouldn’t, because it is just asking your birthday. Don’t make me come back out there to set you up again. Okay?” Yes.

So mom leaves and goes back to sit down. I looked at my phone…3:00. I start to do something on my phone and look up to Bryce standing there in front of me with a grin and a piece of paper. It’s now 3:02! I can’t believe it.

He tells me he finished, skipping only one because he wasn’t 100% and didn’t want to get one wrong. When he finished, he went to the instructor’s door. The instructor said, “Did your computer shut down on you?”. “No sir, I’m finished.” The instructor looked at Bryce, at his computer, back at Bryce and then his computer again. His computer screen showed that Bryce had indeed finished….and passed! The instructor looked at Bryce and said, “Congratulations son, you’ve just set a new DPS record.” He finished his test in under a minute! 

I told Bryce this just showed if he worked towards something he wanted…he could do it…and do it well!!! 

Then we went to turn in some paperwork. 

You see….for about two weeks now, he has been juggling a decision that is a very difficult one. We found a charter school that isn’t really a traditional high school….but instead calls itself a “Middle College”. This school does all the same classes and core work as his high school…but meets on the campus of our Junior College. As soon as your second semester of your sophomore year, you can begin taking the college courses for double credits. Depending on the student….and the work they do….a student can graduate their traditional “senior year” with not just their high school diploma…..but also a diploma with a full Associate’s Degree! This school has free tutoring…full access to all labs on the campus…and a great atmosphere for learning. 

Upon learning of this school….it was BRYCE that did all the research. He made a “Pros and Cons” list and weighed all of his options. He asked us to set up a tour and a meeting with the school’s director. After all of this….he decided to apply. There are only 50 sophomore spots. We filled out his application…but had to still take all of his other documents…..which is where we pick up …. yesterday.

So, after passing his test…we drove to the school to take his documentation. He was all smiles and talking the whole way! This momma was LOVING every minute!! We went up to the third floor where the school meets and went into the office. We gave them all his papers, but had to wait for them to make copies of one thing. While waiting we kept talking. The director came out and greeted us and asked if we were waiting for him. No, just turning in papers. “Well…it’s a good thing,” he said. “You got in!”. 

Just when I thought Bryce’s smile couldn’t get ANY bigger…it DID!

When we got in the car to leave the school and then go to get his actual license….he said, “Wow, this day is awesome! First I pass my test…and break a record…THEN I find out I made it into the school!” 

Proud momma! He drove to my dad’s after he had his license in hand and we all went to celebrate! My neice and nephew, his Memaw, Gramma and Grampa all joined us! My neice is even wanting to apply to his new school! His smiles were contageous and I couldn’t stop looking at him, across the table….growing up….making great…and hard decisions. I can’t believe God blessed me with this boy. I can’t believe I get to be his mom.

We came home…and after a while I finally sat down…and the emotions hit me! I was emotionally exhausted…and hadn’t even realized it! The tears started streaming down my face. Tbh…they still are this morning!

Happy tears…My boy is growing into such a fabulous young man! I truly am a very proud mom. He studied hard for his test…and busted straight through it! He made hard decisions…ones that I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been strong enough to make at his age! He sees that the next 3 years..can shape his next 60 years.. He is up for that challenge!

Sad tears…the realization hit that this is my first legal driver! But…15 years ago….should have been my first. My first born never got to go through what Bryce is experiencing…nor did his brothers. This hit me hard. As I told my friend….it’s always there. I hate it. I hate that after a whole day of just being a proud mom…it comes to that quiet time of that happiness turning melancholy…and the realization of all that I was robbed of…that THEY were robbed of…is always there. It’s just hard.

Mixed tears…happy and sad….all at the same time. This is normal for me now. Even as proud as I am of Bryce, realizing he is growing up and not my baby any more. He is making some fantastic decisions and he is hitting some wonderful life milestones. Happy and sad…….happy for where he is…and sad for all that was missed. 

Such is where my two worlds collide. My new normal. Where my now and my should have been bounce off of each other and my mind is stuck in a vortex of mixed emotions. Only those who have lost a child…and living in their children’s now would understand. 

I love it…and hate it all at the same time.

But it doesn’t change how proud I am of my son! He is awesome! He is growing up! He is making me a very proud mom. 



Thanks for letting me share…my triumphs and my trials..with all of you!

Blessings! ~c

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Crocodile Tears

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on March 14, 2015| 4 Comments »

Last night while preparing dinner….I asked my hubs where our daughter was? She had taken a shower and had been drying her hair…but I hadn’t heard anything coming from her way for a while!

So, my sweet husband went to check and when he came back he made a funny face….and then said she was just sitting in her room crying.

Well…needless to say I finished what I was doing and went back to her room. She was coming out and I could tell she had tried to pull herself together to make it seem like everything was okay…but this momma was having none of that! I told her to come back to her room with me.

When we got back there we both sat on her bed. I looked at her and asked her what was up. She looked at me and her lip and chin started quivering. She was trying so hard not to cry. She even turned her head and her hair was covering her so I couldn’t see her face…but I knew she was about to break. I went and got a box of Kleenex….came back and closed her door and moved closer to her. She just broke.

She cried so hard.

Then….when she was able to pull herself together…she told me she had
been been listening to some Christian music. She had her earbuds in and was just sitting on her bed and listening. This isn’t uncommon. She spends most of her time listening to music. I don’t limit the genre and let her go with her mood…..but today….everything she listened to was Christian.

She told me she had forgotten just how powerful Christian music can be….especially when you are just sitting still and quiet and listening to the words. She said the first song reminded her of her brothers. That alone….brought a tear to my eyes.

But then…she said the second song reminded her not just of her brothers…but of the fact she has never met them. She admitted she is jealous because it seemed like most of the people in my life had known them….and here she was…..12 years old…and she had never met her brothers!!! That…..made my tears….start to fall and just hit the bed.

Then……she said the third song talked about changing the world. She told me she knew she was going to do something to change the world…but her brothers would never be here to witness it.

I’m sure, you know by now….we were both just embracing and bawling our eyes out. I held her so close and so long I thought I would snap her in half. There was so much going through my mind. I felt so guilty….for bringing her into this world under those circumstances and asking her to live a life…..without meeting her brothers.

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After a while…we separated….(we had to blow our noses sometime..) and she looked at me and just said……”it’s just not fair!”.

It’s not fair.

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She is so right. I didn’t know what to say. I told her I knew her brothers would all love her and be so proud of her! But she looked at me…and asked, “But how am I supposed to know they would love me?”. I looked at her and told her….she is just going to have to trust me.

Of course I told her I knew how each of her brothers knew Jesus and since I knew she did too…I knew we would all spend eternity together. But she said that this life without them…will just seem so long. Then…she kinda grinned…and told me it wasn’t fair…I was going to get to see them first! Wow! She is just like me…that is exactly the sentiment I had when I lost my mom. I couldn’t stop crying….and at that moment…it wasn’t because she was gone…..it was because she got to see the boys FIRST!!! I told Breanna that story…and she just smiled at me.

I also told her…there are a lot of people who hurt so bad…they don’t think they can continue in this life without a person they love……and they don’t think they can ever get over the sadness they feel. I told her I felt that way the day her brothers died. I told her how late that night, I went in the other room to be by myself. I told her how I talked to the boys, I cried…and I yelled at God….”WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME??????” I told her how God had calmed my spirit…and I realized if I was still here…HE must have a reason. I promised both God and my boys…that very night…I’d continue my life here on this earth…trying ….searching for what the purpose for me still being here was.

I looked my sweet daughter in the eye…and told her if I hadn’t gone on….I wouldn’t have her with me today…or her brother! I told her I was so thankful God allowed me to be a mom again! She touched my face and told me I would always be her brothers’ mom too! The tables had turned…and she was beginning to comfort me now!

I told her if she had any questions or ever wanted to talk about her brothers….it was fine. She told me it didn’t feel like she could talk about them…it felt like they never even happened. My heart sank. I felt that in protecting her….I had hurt her. So, I assured her she could. She reminded me I had told her not to tell her friends about them though….

I had to explain to her….because of the way they died….I tried to protect, not just her…but her friends too. She knew how they died…and had me to talk to about it…but her friends might not understand all of it and their parents might not want their kids to know something like that…..it was just too much for some.

But then…I looked at her and told her it was part of who she is. I told her it was now hers…I told her I trusted her with their story. She could share with whomever she thought she needed. I told her I trust her judgement. She isn’t to do it for attention…but it is a part of our family…it is a part of her…just as much as it is a part of me. Even though, physically, she hasn’t met them. They are her brothers and are a part of her life too.

I apologized. Over and over I apologized. I was so sorry she had to carry this burden. It hurts me to the core to see her hurt so much…for loving brothers she has never met and carrying this around with her. How do you process that? I mean, I have memories with them….she just has stories….and wishes to know them!!!

I thought of the families we know that have lost children. I thought how all of those….the siblings knew the child. And each of them…..were sick….not taken like her brothers.

These are the days that haunted my soul before I got remarried. These are the reasons I almost didn’t have any more children. These are some of the…….there is NO book….no “How to raise children after their siblings are murdered” website to go from!! These are the ways….the enemy toys with my mind and makes me feel selfish for having more children!

I just have to trust God….that these children are not only part of my continued purpose on this earth…but that each of them….has their own specific purpose. I also have to trust God…..that their purpose will be great…BECAUSE of who they are…and the story they have!!!

My daughter is right……she WILL change the world. I told her she might just do it with a part of her brothers story! They may not be here…on this earth….to see her do it…..but one day…when we are all in heaven together…they’ll pat her on the back for all the jewels in her crown and say “Well done, sis…..well done!”.

She smiled….I smiled. Thank you God for this child and her heart. Thank you for trusting me…..with this part of your story. It’s hard…and it just isn’t fair…but it is OURS!

“So we keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call. May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do.” (‭2 Thessalonians‬ ‭1‬:‭11‬ NLT)

Please pray for our family as we try to figure out what this looks like. We talked about how we are in a new season. I am at a place where I’ve never been…she has now grown past all her brothers and I’m in uncharted territory with her and her brother now. We are in a season of hoping our life change will somehow create world change in us…in our hearts. My sweet girl has such a huge heart! She is more, at her age….than I could have ever aspired to be! I pray for protective coverings over this heart….so her part in HIS story will be HUGE!

I love each of you…and thank you for allowing me to share in our journey. It’s hard. But….OH SO WORTH IT!!
Blessings! ~c

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What a Beautiful Thing Our Mind Is………or is it???

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2015| 1 Comment »

Generally….we relish in the memories our mind brings to us…so bright and so vivid! We are thankful we have such a way to remember….to have such wonderful thoughts of our loved ones.

But there are times…for me, anyway…..it is torturous.

As one of my girlfriends say….this is “that week”. It starts on Valentines Day….but then it really is non stop from about the 19th through the 25th.

Like I said before…I love the memories…I love the way I can still see their faces…. but right now….it’s too hard..

I can tell you the last time I took them to see my mom at her house. I can tell you the last night they were at my house. I can tell you the last time I saw each of them. I can tell you the last conversation we had. I can tell you…..so much. And normally….it wouldn’t be so bad…..but each of those is the LAST time…..

There just isn’t a way that I can appropriately share with you just how much this hurts. Even though I know it’s coming…it still hits like a ton of bricks. I can’t express to you that every moment, in my head, I have those thoughts racing in the back of my mind. I try to stay busy….stay in the present world…but sometimes it is just too hard. It makes me physically hurt. It just hasn’t gone away.

I can still tell you where we stood around my mother’s bed the last time we went to see her.

I can still tell you where we were in my van when Cody and I were fighting over if I should get a car or keep the van!

I can still see their faces as we ate at Arby’s that last night we were all together.

I can still see the worry on Cody and Cory’s face as they came to the hospital while mom was still in surgery.

I can still hear their voices as I told them I loved them and I’d see them when I got home from Tahlequah………………

But it didn’t happen.. I didn’t see them again…. until I saw them in their coffins. Ya’ll….those are hard memories. And right now…that is all that is going on in my head.

I know I’ll be okay….I know that soon I’ll be able to be present in the here and now…..I know it does get better.

But for right now….for a little while. I’m not okay. And it hurts. It hurts more than I can express or ever want anyone to ever understand!! But many do…and I’ve met many of you. You understand. You understand that no matter how much time has passed….no matter how “normal” you may seem on the outside…..

That inside…you’re remembering…trying desperately to hold on to every memory of your child that you possibly can…. That inside…you feel like you just can’t breathe…because the memories of the “lasts” are just too much…. That inside…your heart feels like it just can’t beat another day without them here with you.

I’m there. I will be for a bit. So if I see you and don’t seem “just quite like myself”…this is why. If I won’t accept your hug…it’s not because I don’t love you or want you to be there for me…. It is because I can’t….If you hug me right now…and it lingers past a second…I’ll break. And honestly….I don’t think I could pull myself back together. If I seem busy….it’s because that is my coping mechanism.

I know God will restore my soul soon….and I am forever grateful for knowing my boys are with Him and we will meet again. But I know that God understands my feelings…and will allow me to feel them…..because He loves me. He gets me. And He holds me through these times. He is big enough….and strong enough…for me to be sad.

I love each of you…..and would appreciate your prayers. Not just for me…but for my family…for their friends….for parents whose hearts feel empty…

~c

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Does God give us too much? answers to this….hospitals and my thoughts!

Posted in Some AWESOME God stuff!, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on February 16, 2015| Leave a Comment »

So, last week I asked the question, “Does God give us more than we can handle????” and asked for people’s opinions. I received some VERY great responses and have pondered on them for the week.
Then, this past weekend our pastor preached this same question as the theme for the service….and he had some fabulous answers! Every one of them was exactly my belief as well!
It was funny…because one of my best friends told me that she had never heard anyone talk about this topic until a few years ago when she and I discussed it and I told her my view. She did tell me she didn’t post on my facebook survey though because “she already knew the answer”! 😉

Now…let me share with you some of my thoughts.

I never really pondered this question too much. But I do remember a few times it came up in my life circumstances.

1.) When my mother was ill and things weren’t looking too good…it was the same year as when my boys died….. Well…a friend kept saying that “surely..after everything you’ve been through…God wouldn’t do this to you.” Then when mom passed and somebody else was ill….again…”Surely after everything you’ve been through…God wouldn’t do this to you too.” Finally…after several times of her saying this…I told her, “I don’t know who this ‘surely’ person is…but I know who my God is and that isn’t a promise He gave me.” I remember telling her to show me in His word where ‘surely’ said that…and she never could. It was then that I turned to the book of James and told her that He wouldn’t have told us to consider it pure joy whenever we face trials of many kinds. It didn’t say you’ll only get one bad one! And yet….our human hearts hope for more of a gentleness in our learning process.

2.) The second was in a very difficult season. I had remarried and had already had our son. Then, in a matter of less than six months, we had two miscarriages. After the second miscarriage I had a surgery and came home in a daze. I remember my husband telling me our son would be fine as an only child…he would have cousins and he would be fine. But I didn’t feel like I would be fine. One day, as I sat alone ‘recovering’ I remember looking through a magazine and finding this plaque. It said, “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle….I just wish he didn’t trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa. I knew when I read it I had to have it. I found the phone, placed my order and when I received it I then hung it in my bathroom where I would see if everyday as I prepared myself for the day! (and yes….it’s still there)

3.) Then…the third time is when I was going through a book study…I was digging deeper into scripture and I feel like God was really speaking into me. I remember being in my bathroom and looking at the plaque….and thinking…”No disrespect to Mother Teresa….but this plaque has it ALL WRONG!” First…I realized…God DOES give us more…sometimes not directly…but everything that happens to us must be allowed by God….than we can handle. But……and this is a big one…..it is only more than we can handle ON OUR OWN! In 1 Cor. 10:13…which is where I believe most people get that He won’t give us more than we can bear! (So did my pastor!!) It says….”And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted byond what you can bear. This is what people think….SURELY he won’t give you more….. But what I told my friend years ago…and what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is…….that most people don’t know or consider the second part of that same verse…”But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

BAM!! It doesn’t say he will take it away completely. He doesn’t say he will get you out of it safely……it says he will provide a way out and also it says……so you can ENDURE it. That word right there….endure….means it isn’t even going to be easier just because God got you there!

What this says to me….. isn’t that He knows just how strong I am…..it says He knows just how WEAK I am….but my weakness is made perfect IN HIS STRENGTH!!! He is sufficient…for ALL MY NEEDS!!

So that third time…in my bathroom…I totally disagreed with the saying on the plaque. I think, instead of “wishing He didn’t trust me so much” I should be thankful that He knows me well enough to know I will seek HIS strength in the trials and He trusts me to trust HIM!!!

Let me say this again….instead of “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle, I just wish He didn’t trust me so much!” I believe……with all my heart….we should say, ” I know God will sometimes give me WAY more than I can handle on my own and I’m SO THANKFUL He trusts me enough to give me this burden….because He knows I will seek Him to help me endure and I will grow stronger because of it!”

So tonight as I sit in my quiet house…..after sitting in a hospital waiting room this afternoon….I think of some of the correlations in this thought process and the current situation I am walking through with my husband.

One week ago we were in the Emergency Room because he knew he had another (4th time) kidney stone. Now….every other time this has happened….he has gone home from the ER and passed it within a matter of days. But this time…it was different….and I kept telling my friends….”I’m really worried because he isn’t in enough pain…” Not that I wanted my husband to hurt…but because I knew that if he wasn’t in pain…the stone wasn’t moving. I knew without the temporary pain….we could be in for a ‘longer-term’ of the process. Sure enough, he went to the dr this morning and it hadn’t budged. He came home just so I could drive him to the hospital to have a procedure to help break it up and move it on out. Tonight…he is definitely in more pain and it is beginning to pass. A friend said…so…. instead of passing just one…they broke it up and now he has to pass tons of little ones! Yes. That is exactly where we are.

All this to say….to me…it’s a picture of this life lesson. Sometimes we must go through a little pain in order to get rid of something that could cause us much greater harm in the long run. If we don’t….then the pain could be even more intense…… But either way….God will find a way for us to remove the item, person, thought-process…….you get the idea….that could eventually cause us harm.

Or……He might just allow us to go through hard times….to make us turn to Him…..because it’s in the valleys where we seem to cry out to Him the most…… But also because it’s in the valleys where we seem to be strengthened most. I know I have. Through all the valleys in my life….He has carried me through and my strength has been through Him….and each time…my faith has increased! This allows the mountain tops…to seem so much brighter…so much better….because it was such an accomplishment to get there!

My hubby will be okay. He leans into the strength of our Lord. I will be okay. I don’t just lean…sometimes I just jump on His back and say, “Carry me”….and He does.

I hope this has given you a different perspective. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect…or even be strong when things get tough. What he knows are our weaknesses….and He wants nothing more than to carry our burdens…..to strengthen our weaknesses….and help us grow in the valleys so that the view from the mountain tops are that much sweeter!

I’ll see you on the mountain top! blessings friends! ~c

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Why NOT me???

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on January 29, 2015| 2 Comments »

As this new year begins….and we are all toying with resolutions and wanting more and trying to do better….I really….just decided to try to focus on one word.

God gave me my word for the year….it’s JOY.

Why? Because I’ve come to realize that in the crazy world I’ve been living in this past year…I have been so bogged down in the day to day…mundane must.get.it.all.done mentality…that I hadn’t really been taking the time to enjoy living!

Even after all that God has brought me through…after all the trials and triumphs I’ve walked through….I had forgotten just what it’s all about.

Maybe that is why my word isn’t “happy”. Because I know God didn’t put us on this earth to be happy! But joy….TRUE JOY…..is something we can always have….even through sorrows….even through pain…we can find joy! “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess. 5:18

So joy is what I’m searching for this year…on a daily…almost moment by moment basis. But in searching…I’ve had to do some soul searching and ask myself why I wasn’t feeling joy……and that is where it got hard.

In answering this question…I’ve come to realize a couple things I need to work on.

1.) I need to make sure my own cup is overflowing before I give so much of myself.

For those of you that don’t understand quite what I mean by that…..it looks like this to me.

I have to be sure that I’ve done enough for myself before I do for others. I am all about doing for others and helping others out….but I also have learned that when I do it on “fumes”…..I get calloused….worn thin…..short with my family and those closest to me……and just plain not so nice to always be around! I have to be sure I’m doing my part for myself….and giving others my overflow….and not taking from myself or my family….

and 2.) I need more faith in God.

This one is H.A.R.D. for this girl to see.

Now…don’t get me wrong! I have a belief in God. I have trust in God.

But…..if I have to be completely honest ……(which dangit…I really think I should be!)…..I have so much more faith that God will do it for everyone else……and not so much me!!

OUCH!!! That hurt to admit! But it’s true. If any of you were to call me with anything you needed….wanted to step out in faith to try….ANYTHING….I would totally believe God will do it for you!! But….for me….I’m still not sure if it’s because I don’t feel worthy….(trust me….I’ve been with me for over 47 years now…and it hasn’t always been good….or even pretty good…)….or if I just don’t think after all that has gone wrong….there can be THAT much good in my life!

So…..in doing all of this I’ve really jumped into scripture and into trying to remedy this situation…..and then one weekend…my preacher preached on…..YOU GUESSED IT……FAITH!!

He talked about how Jesus is either completely amazed by our GREAT faith….or our LACK of faith. And we had to evaluate just where we thought we ranked on a scale of 1-10.

Again…in scoring myself….I’d have to give myself two scores. In faith for others…I’m like an 8 or a 9 even! But …then..when it comes to faith in my own life…..I’m on the 2 or 3 end of the scale.

Why so imbalanced?? I’m not really sure. I mean, a healthy dose of humility isn’t a bad thing…until it strangles you and you feel so unworthy that you don’t believe anything can happen for you and you just.quit.trying. I’ve been there. People..this is hard for me to admit…and it’s been really hard to be this transparent. In doing so…I’m calling myself out! I’m calling myself to action! And this….is going to require a great big faith in a great big God and it will involve Him…..being BIG for me!!!

And you know what……..I started this blog a couple weeks ago…and now…as I finish…I’m proud to say I’m getting better. I’m realizing I’m the one who has to take action…take massive action…in order for Him to achieve what He wants in and through me. So maybe….it hasn’t been my faith in HIM….as much as it’s been my faith in ME!! I’m getting better……

Because really……

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Praying for joy….and faith…for each of us! Step up…step out….and JUMP with me! ~c

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Let’s Be REAL….Let’s be POWERFUL!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on November 14, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I have several friends right now who are going through some very difficult times. I think each of them would tell you I am (at least I try to be) that friend that will always listen….never judge….but also will empathize with you only so much…because I am the one that is very real and honest about what I believe God is asking me to say to each of them.

I truly don’t judge. Why? Because I’ve either been there…done that…or WORSE! And because that isn’t my place or my heart. My heart is to get them to be real about where they are…..in order to figure out how to heal and what God is saying to them where they are right now.

So many times we live “as if” everything is fine. We don’t want people to know how badly we are hurting….how we can’t afford the lifestyle we are living….or that we are literally falling apart on the inside. To me this is so sad! It literally breaks my heart that we are such “surface” people. I just don’t want to be that way. In order to be the hands and feet of Christ…we have to get messy. We have to be strong enough to know that if someone is mad at us…we can love them enough to love them through it!

What I’ve also come to see and realize is that there are so many times, ….that we “test” our loved ones. I’ve seen this in a few situations recently….but it made me remember times that I’ve done it myself.

Just last week I was in a training for my job….the trainer was talking about how when he was in his early twenties he was going through a really rough patch in his life. He decided to go to counseling. After just a few sessions with his new counselor, he said she looked at him and told him she thought he was lying to her. He puffed up and told her that he had no friends…nobody would listen to him…..and the ONE person he was PAYING to listen to him….thought he was lying! What an insult.

You know what happened next????

The counselor began to cry. She cried right there in front of him. No words. Just sobbing.

Guess what he did…..he got up and walked out and never went back.

Why? Why would he not go back??

Because he was testing her!!! He wanted to see if she really meant what she said! He wanted her to be confident in what she said and believed and to stand her ground. No matter what he said or did…..he wanted to know for sure that she was going to fight to make him better!

That is what we do! We push…..we test.
Do you love me enough to stand up to me? Do you love me enough to stay with me? Do you love me enough to fight for me?

I did this to my husband when we were still dating… I’d push…. just to see if he loved me enough to stay. I’d tell him I didn’t know if I could have more kids…and if he wanted them…..he’d be better off cutting his losses now and finding someone that could promise him that. (Code….no matter what … am I enough for you??) I would push and tell him after I was in a mood or something that this was his forewarning…..he better think about it now…because later he couldn’t say he didn’t know how moody I could be!

I’m seeing spouses do this a lot. We push. We test.

IMG_0440.PNGMany times….we do this because of an insecurity inside of us. We may be scared that one day…they might leave us…..so if we say we are going to leave first….. that is just how we push…we test! In this situation…all we want is for the other person to say they want us to stay…..no matter what! We test to see if they will love us enough to fight for us!!! That is what we want…what our hearts desire…we just don’t know how to say it!

Sometimes we say or do something mean….to see if the other person will crumble…or…if they will love us enough to call us out! I’ve told my husband I know I’m not perfect (I know, it’s still a shock to me too!) but if I was constantly telling him what I see in him that needs improvement and he never does the same for me….that it actually hurts. I need him to love me enough to call me out when I’m speaking too harsh….or totally wrong in something. No…..I don’t like it. But I need it and I long for him to “love me enough” to do this for me!

Or if I took off my wedding ring…just because we weren’t getting along or had been fighting…. Deep inside…..I want him to notice…because I want it to be important to him! Iwant to be important to him. By him NOT saying anything about it….in my heart…it is kind of like it is no big deal to him….like I am no big deal to him. It makes me feel like he just doesn’t care. (NO…I haven’t done this…but some have!)

It’s like that friend or family member who you feel like ONLY talk to if YOU are the one who picks up the phone to call. Sometimes…..you “test” them by not calling. You tell yourself, “I’ll just see how long it goes before they call me….and if it goes any longer than you think it should…you automatically feel your relationship doesn’t mean as much to them as it does to you. I mean….the phone works both ways doesn’t it!!???!!

The problem with so many of these situations is that we don’t always know where the other person is emotionally or what their thought process is. What we concern ourselves with is what we think…what we feel….not really thinking how the other person is thinking or feeling. And in our imperfect world….usually…the other person is just as insecure and damaged as we are and they are dealing with their own feelings and thoughts.

So let me start here. Feelings….can lie.

Yes…they are real….but feelings can lie to you. They can make you feel unloved, unworthy, not good enough, fearful, self conscious and just downright unhappy. We “feel” like they don’t love us enough. We “feel” like they are just using us. We “feel” like we just aren’t good enough.

This is just…..well…wrong. Yes. Our feelings are ours to have. But some of them just don’t speak TRUTH! We are created by our Father who doesn’t mess up! We are His perfect creation. Enough for Him. Worthy of His love. And definitely good enough to receive blessings!

We just get so bogged down in our feelings that they soon become our perception and then our perceptions become our reality. The problem with this…is our reality…is not grounded in truth.

If we can just ground ourselves in the truth…..our reality….will become JOY! Joy from the knowledge that no matter what anybody else says or does, we are children of the King of Kings. We are created by the Creator of the Universe. We are worthy of blessings beyond our comprehension! We are strengthened by the Strength of the Most High!

Our joy is not dependent on others. Our joy is part of our choice. Our choice of believing…..our choice of denying what we may be feeling and instead….believing what we KNOW….is TRUTH! We have the power within us to invoke this power….all through our choices!

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We CHOOSE to be joyful……we CHOOSE to find silver linings…..we CHOOSE to not give anyone or anything any more power over our lives than what we say it can have! WE CHOOSE!!

So….I’m going to choose to stop testing. Instead of waiting for that other person to call me….I’ll choose to pick up the phone when I think of them. Instead of staying mad or upset at something someone has done to me….I’ll choose to forgive them and try to understand. Instead of TESTING my loved ones….I’ll CHOOSE to use my words….to tell them how I’m feeling….to be vulnerable and let them see my insecurities. I’ll choose to replace my untrue feelings….with TRUTH…that I am loved…I am chosen….I am forgiven…

Will you choose the power within you??? It’s up to you!
much love ~cheli

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Confessions and Prayers Needed…..

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on October 5, 2014| 6 Comments »

I’m sitting here looking at the cursor on the page…not really knowing where to start.

I mean…there are so many wonderful things that have happened in my life over the past two weeks that I want to share with you….. Speaking events, retreats, birthdays, sweet conversations…….but I can’t. You see……first….

I.must.be.real.

Last night I attended church….and one of the points of the message was to BE STILL. To quiet our lives…..our minds….for just five minutes a day. To allow our souls to hear from God.

This morning…I knew that is exactly what I needed to do…to be still…to unplug….to allow my mind to shut down in order to hear God…..not my cluttered, overwhelmed thoughts…..but God. I knew I’d been seeking Him in so many ways recently…..but I just couldn’t figure out my “next step”. I’d seen beautiful and wonderful things happen…but hadn’t been still long enough to listen to Him tell me what the next part was.

This is where my confession comes in…. This is where it gets real.

After speaking at a retreat a couple weeks ago….I have been messaging back and forth with one of the ladies who attended the event. She is a very brave young woman with a story of her own. She had written some parts of her story and read them after I had spoken. Her words were moving, gut-wrenching-yet-beautiful all at the same time. She has sent me messages….encouraging me…..saying she is praying for me….telling me wonderful things about her relationship with Christ and what she feels He wants her to do since hearing me speak. It was at the end of the last note she sent she said she couldn’t believe my dog ate the flash drive with my book on it…and just how long was she going to have to wait to read it!!??!

As I sat…..being still this morning…..not thinking…..not worrying….her note is what came to my mind. It was as if God was speaking to me. It was then that I knew….it doesn’t matter where I work…or what else I do right now….I am supposed to finish the book.

My confession is…..for over 8 years…I’ve sat at a computer screen or with a notebook and pen in hand and tried to put my story to words in paper format. But it hasn’t happened. I haven’t been able to do it.

I have the cover designed…the title…the chapters and the format. I even have sat and written a lot….but have never come close to finishing.

This morning….in my still quiet time…..God showed me why.

You see…..when I speak and share my story…it’s as if you take a small scalpel and make a very tiny incision. It bleeds for a while…stings and hurts….but when I come home…have a cleansing cry with my husband and talk through some feelings….it heals up….without needing stitches or anything. There might be a small scab…but no outward scars appear at all. It’s safe for me. I control what is said, how it is said. The people listening hear the inflection in my voice and know exactly what I mean by the way I say something.

But….to write this book…..instead feels like the scalpel makes an incision that goes from the top of my chest all the way to the bottom. I think, as I go through the memories, I can feel my breastbone being broken open. Then, as the words go onto the page, I can feel them stretching my skin back….exposing my heart. And then….I feel the scalpel open my heart and it bleeds…..and bleeds…and bleeds.

There I am…..fully exposed….hurting….and it honestly…….feels like…

it.will.never.stop.hurting.

This morning, in my still quiet….this was the picture He gave me. And the tears ….. they just wouldn’t stop. Because I could physically feel it….all of it.

But…..He has now told me in order to move forward in the ministry He has planned for my life…I must trust Him as the Great Physician of my heart. I must write this book and be obedient. I know I’ve said it before….but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Now, I HAVE to.

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You see friends…..two weeks ago….I was blessed to be asked to speak at three separate events…..and see what happens when we yield ourselves to the Holy Spirit and become a vessel for Him to use! I’ve seen it before…but there was something so much more powerful this time that happened. One of my friends said I came back different….I sounded different. And she was right….

I was humbled. I was used. I was His hands and feet and truly saw the power of the comma in someone else’s life! I can’t explain it. There really are no words. I’ve struggled with it…because it feels like I’m promoting myself and my story. But He has shown me those are thoughts from the enemy.

Yes….everyone has a story and there are many stories that would bless others. But He gave me MY story. He gave me a heart to share and teach others. He is asking me to move forward…to trust Him….to allow Him to fulfill the rest of His story through my story. He can do it without me……but I want to allow Him to use me…..to help teach others of His love…and the truth of who He says we are!

So…that is my confession….and my prayer request. I haven’t been able to accomplish what He has asked of me….and I need prayer to move forward and complete it. I hate asking for prayer. I’m a giver…it is hard for me to ask…..and hard to receive. But…that is part of my humbling. I do need prayer…I do need encouragement. I do need the accountability.

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I pray that opening myself up like this is going to help put me where I need to be. I’m just being real…..#mystruggles.

I truly love and appreciate you all…..more than you know…more than I can express.

I’ll be praying blessings over you as well….
much love ~c

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Blessed Life!!!

Posted in Proud momma moments!, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on September 2, 2014| 3 Comments »

Allow me to share with you….the past 24 hours in my life.

I’ll start with yesterday….

To almost everybody….it was a 3 day weekend and Labor day was just a fun time and a great day to be off work.

To me….it was going to be the first high school football game for my sweet boy!! To say I was excited….would be the understatement of the world!!! I didn’t realize just how excited I was, really, until after the game was over though…..

After he went early….sis and I did a “craft” project together. She had bought a HS team shirt to wear to her brother’s game and we “blinged” it out! It was fun sitting at the table with her coming up with the design.

Then, we got to the game! He had his own little fan section of family and friends there to watch! The game was awesome! It was a close, well played game. Our boys played hard! MY BOY played hard! He honestly played harder than I’ve ever seen him play! He was punched….and the way he reacted…made me proud! He told the kid….to play it out on the field…he wasn’t going to fight him…but he would kick his ass on the field! Reminded me of his brother….the way he walked away…..wouldn’t fight…but did the right thing. To say I was proud….man…doesn’t even begin to tell you how I felt. I got to see him make tackles like I’ve never seen before…..and just watching him….realizing this is HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL!!! I just can’t put into words…or properly describe all of the emotions going on in my head and my heart!

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Just a few from last night! Can I just tell you as he sat at dinner next to me…after the game….and talked and talked about the game…what the coaches told him….tears were welling up in my eyes. Sitting there…just listening to him go on and on….I was loving every minute of it. I love being his mom. I can’t tell you how much joy it brings me…knowing God trusted me again with another son….with Bryce….with my rainbow. He is such a light in my world…and to the world around him. I see great things within him….and the coolest thing right now…is I believe he is starting to see the potential in himself. I am just blessed to be along for the ride!

Then, after my boys fell asleep…..my sweet girl…my night owl…..just wasn’t tired at all. On the way home from dinner we saw some pretty cool lightning that I could tell was pretty far away……and she commented how pretty it was. So, both of us in our jammies…went into the back yard…and got on the swing and just sat there talking and enjoying the light show God was providing. What was really cool…is that if we looked straight up….we saw the prettiest of bright, shiny stars…but then if we looked north…the lightning was just as bright and beautiful. We sat……we swang……we talked…..we laughed. It was a beautiful night and it was a beautiful time with my girl. Just sitting out there enjoying the quiet…the beauty….and each other. I am amazed that after four boys….God gave me A GIRL! I joke about it a lot….but really….I’m totally in love with that little cutie. She is growing in to such a lovely young lady…and I am so proud of her. She has a heart that is totally sold out to Jesus. She struggles with normal stuff….but it is so easy to bring her back down because she really is grounded in wanting to be HIS girl. I tell her she has so much that I didn’t have at her age. I probably had more maturity and responsibility…but she has such an innocence and a thirst for God and His plan for her life….it really just leaves me speechless some times. So…after a great day….I got to end it with my girl. My daughter. My love. What a great day.

Then, I went to bed knowing they would be out of school and I’d be off work another day. But it wasn’t just any day…..

You see, I woke this morning…after such a great day with my two wonderful kids…..to …… another birthday. Today is Cory’s 28th birthday. I woke…thinking of the day he was born. I tried…..oh I tried so hard….to try to figure out where he might be today…what kind of life he would be living…and let me tell you something…..MY BOY would be LIVING LIFE to its FULLEST! That is just who he was! He enjoyed everything he did! He had such gusto! Such a love for life!

Cory was my dreamer…my actor…my singer! He was my clown…my sing when you are down…..He was my constantly smiling….always loving….sweet baby boy. For the life of me…I can’t imagine him as a man. He never got to hit the time like Bryce is now…where his voice changed and his body changed…. I know…with his features…his eyes….his sharp jaw line…that he would have made a very handsome man! But…I can’t quite see it in my mind…I can’t imagine it….not at all….

I spent his birthday making great memories with B & B! We had a great day together!

I know Cory would love his brother and sister….and I know he would have been in the stands last night cheering his brother on! I also know he would have loved sitting on the swing with us last night looking at the stars too! But…you know what…as sad as my momma’s heart has been today….and as many tears that I’ve shed today…and so many other days…..

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my Cory….and Cody and Caleb too….WERE in those stands with me….and WERE sitting on the swing with us….and they ARE with me….every day! They will forever hold pieces of my momma heart that nobody else can have. They will continue to live in the way I live…in the lives of my children now…because they are a part of me….a part of US! And most importantly…..the ministry of their lives will forever be continued…..as long as I live….and as long as their story is shared.

All of my children…all five of them….are leaving a legacy that I am so proud of. They are leading and loving others…they are being disciples….now and always. To say I have a blessed life…is an understatement. I’m blessed…because I “get” to be the mom of five absolutely amazing kiddos. They all hold my heart….and forever will. I will spend the rest of my days…trying to live MY life..in a way that would make each of them proud to say…..yup….that’s MY mom!

Happy Birthday, sweet Cory. Thanks for all the smiles….the lessons…the laughs and songs! I miss you…more than I ever thought possible… But I’m so thankful for the promise of eternity with you! To hold you again…..makes me long for that time to come soon. But…until then..I’ll go on enjoying your brother and sister…and trying to live up to the mom I think you’d want me to be!

Forever in my heart…~momma

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Oprah & Social Media

Posted in Some AWESOME God stuff!, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on July 24, 2014| 1 Comment »

I don’t even know where to begin!!

First, I MUST say thank you to all of you! Thank you for the words of encouragement! Thank you for sharing with others! Thank you for watching the show with me! Thank you for allowing me to open up my home and share with you and your friends and family!!! I love each one of you…and thanks just isn’t enough for all you’ve each done for me! Your words of encouragement mean more to me than I can adequately express!

Now….. I must say..the last week has been an emotional whirlwind! The actual show and seeing that video always brings back so many emotions. To say it is hard to watch, is a little bit of and understatement….to say the least. The part where they show one of the boys being wheeled out of the house is so hard. I remember being on that first show and seeing that video for the first time! (remember…it was a surprise….so I had no clue!) I remember when it got to that point I looked at Oprah and said I had never seen that before and didn’t know if I could go on…..she quickly grabbed my hand and turned me around and I didn’t see the rest of the video…just heard it….. You see….my family didn’t allow me to watch television for over two weeks after they died. I had asked my family to not speak to any media and had absolutely no idea that the story had made national news. So…all those images….were some I’d never seen or imagined.

Then, my dad had sent Oprah the video of the boys…….the part with them at SeaWorld and to see them waving to me…..every time…it just grabs my heart and makes me stop breathing…for just a moment. Seeing that….is always hard.

But then came the update part. I have to be honest….this was where I was holding my breath. It is hard to give someone else control of my story…..and that is what I did. I did the skype interview…and talked with them for almost an hour. Then…we sent lots of videos and pictures and from there……it was all the producers and production crew at HARPO. They were totally in charge of how the update would go and what it would portray.

I must say……I WAS THRILLED! I was so happy with the way it was put together and how respectful they were of my story. All of my fears were gone and thankfulness set in! I couldn’t have asked for a better segment!! What a blessing the HARPO staff is to me and my family! I am so thankful for each one that I came into contact with….and for the ones behind the scenes who helped!

You can view the first part of the segment here.

The second part with the update is here.

Now…..although this was not my first Oprah appearance…..this WAS the first time I’ve done an Oprah show with Social Media going on!

What a crazy thing!

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I was having a Twitter party with the producers of the show…leading up to and during the show! I had my iPad on my lap and my phone at my side! Before, during and after my segment…..each of my devices was beeping and dinging at a rate I just couldn’t keep up with! I’d attend to one…and come back to the other and there would be over 80 new items to review!

Facebook….Twitter…..my texts…..all were going off! And, I’m so thankful that every single word was extremely encouraging to me! I don’t think everybody realizes how much I am encouraged by others… When I feel down or like I am stepping out too much….I see all of the sweet encouragement you have given me and I am reminded that I am an ambassador for His Kingdom and am just doing what He has asked of me!

Finding out Tuesday evening that the story was on the Huffington Post main page….literally knocked the wind out of me. I received a message from a friend who told me it had come across her feed….sure enough….there it was! As of now…..there are 2.9k Likes….and 376 shares on this story! I am totally blown away! Talk about humbling! You can see it here!

But I want you to know what I see from this…… I see people that are craving happy endings! I see people who want and NEED hope in their lives! I see that the message God has given me to share….is just that! It is HIS story! His HOPE! That is what people need….and that is exactly what I’m here to do!

Then…Thursday afternoon…I received a message on facebook from someone who had seen my story on a mutual friend’s page…and she wanted me to give her a call to do a “local” update! I called my family to see if they were up for it…and they agreed! So we did a whirlwind interview with the reporter and her wonderful camerawoman…..and then sent out messages for our friends and family to watch the 10:00 news that night!

Again, I have to thank the reporter and her crew for their fabulous editing…..in less than 2 hours I might add….and the way they respectfully put together my story! Again….I couldn’t have been more thrilled with the way she told my update while leaving the emphasis on Christ….instead of me!

You can see the news interview here.

But…..to me…the most amazing thing about this past week….are the messages and private messages I’ve received. From people finding hope from hearing my story….to others wanting to start sharing their own trials, tragedies and triumphs…because they’ve realized God can take them and use them for good…. Those are the moments I’m going to cherish forever. I’m printing each message….and using them as my own messages of hope. So again, I thank each of you for reaching out and touching my life in such a positive and encouraging way.

As always…I am asking you to pray. Please pray for myself and the wisdom to know what my next step is. Yes…I’ve revved up the writing process and kicking myself for not having more done….but all in His time. Please pray for God to open doors of opportunity for me to share and for me to continue to be strengthened by Him in order to share.

Please pray for my family. In less than a week they’ve been the focus of two news segments and this is new to them. I have felt God holding me back from taking this message to the world…and I have believed it was to protect my children. They were so young and didn’t know the whole truth when I began to share. They are still young, but I believe God has prepared them for what is ahead…and I truly believe their part in His story…could very well be bigger than mine!

Please pray for my sweet husband and our marriage. He is my safe place…the one I take all my emotions to and the one who comforts me. Yes….God is my Father…but He gave me my husband to feel the presence of His arms around me! My husband is so good at this….he comforts, cries with me, encourages and strengthens me continually! Please pray his cup is filled to overflowing for all he has to endure with me! I’ve told him….I’ll never be “normal”…..and he chose me anyway! 🙂

But mostly….pray for this message. Join me in praying Ephesians 6:19-20
“Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.” Pray that I boldly enter into the arena God is preparing for me and walk through the doors He is opening!

Friends~ we all have a story. Remember….it’s your part of His story. He is the author…but you choose some of the chapters. Your story….just might….be the hope and change….someone else’s story needs. It takes many parts…to create the whole! He has made you……and given you purpose! Step into it! It is freeing to know you have a purpose….and living it out……is ……well…..try it. 🙂

Many blessings! ~c

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