I have several friends right now who are going through some very difficult times. I think each of them would tell you I am (at least I try to be) that friend that will always listen….never judge….but also will empathize with you only so much…because I am the one that is very real and honest about what I believe God is asking me to say to each of them.
I truly don’t judge. Why? Because I’ve either been there…done that…or WORSE! And because that isn’t my place or my heart. My heart is to get them to be real about where they are…..in order to figure out how to heal and what God is saying to them where they are right now.
So many times we live “as if” everything is fine. We don’t want people to know how badly we are hurting….how we can’t afford the lifestyle we are living….or that we are literally falling apart on the inside. To me this is so sad! It literally breaks my heart that we are such “surface” people. I just don’t want to be that way. In order to be the hands and feet of Christ…we have to get messy. We have to be strong enough to know that if someone is mad at us…we can love them enough to love them through it!
What I’ve also come to see and realize is that there are so many times, ….that we “test” our loved ones. I’ve seen this in a few situations recently….but it made me remember times that I’ve done it myself.
Just last week I was in a training for my job….the trainer was talking about how when he was in his early twenties he was going through a really rough patch in his life. He decided to go to counseling. After just a few sessions with his new counselor, he said she looked at him and told him she thought he was lying to her. He puffed up and told her that he had no friends…nobody would listen to him…..and the ONE person he was PAYING to listen to him….thought he was lying! What an insult.
You know what happened next????
The counselor began to cry. She cried right there in front of him. No words. Just sobbing.
Guess what he did…..he got up and walked out and never went back.
Why? Why would he not go back??
Because he was testing her!!! He wanted to see if she really meant what she said! He wanted her to be confident in what she said and believed and to stand her ground. No matter what he said or did…..he wanted to know for sure that she was going to fight to make him better!
That is what we do! We push…..we test.
Do you love me enough to stand up to me? Do you love me enough to stay with me? Do you love me enough to fight for me?
I did this to my husband when we were still dating… I’d push…. just to see if he loved me enough to stay. I’d tell him I didn’t know if I could have more kids…and if he wanted them…..he’d be better off cutting his losses now and finding someone that could promise him that. (Code….no matter what … am I enough for you??) I would push and tell him after I was in a mood or something that this was his forewarning…..he better think about it now…because later he couldn’t say he didn’t know how moody I could be!
I’m seeing spouses do this a lot. We push. We test.
Many times….we do this because of an insecurity inside of us. We may be scared that one day…they might leave us…..so if we say we are going to leave first….. that is just how we push…we test! In this situation…all we want is for the other person to say they want us to stay…..no matter what! We test to see if they will love us enough to fight for us!!! That is what we want…what our hearts desire…we just don’t know how to say it!
Sometimes we say or do something mean….to see if the other person will crumble…or…if they will love us enough to call us out! I’ve told my husband I know I’m not perfect (I know, it’s still a shock to me too!) but if I was constantly telling him what I see in him that needs improvement and he never does the same for me….that it actually hurts. I need him to love me enough to call me out when I’m speaking too harsh….or totally wrong in something. No…..I don’t like it. But I need it and I long for him to “love me enough” to do this for me!
Or if I took off my wedding ring…just because we weren’t getting along or had been fighting…. Deep inside…..I want him to notice…because I want it to be important to him! Iwant to be important to him. By him NOT saying anything about it….in my heart…it is kind of like it is no big deal to him….like I am no big deal to him. It makes me feel like he just doesn’t care. (NO…I haven’t done this…but some have!)
It’s like that friend or family member who you feel like ONLY talk to if YOU are the one who picks up the phone to call. Sometimes…..you “test” them by not calling. You tell yourself, “I’ll just see how long it goes before they call me….and if it goes any longer than you think it should…you automatically feel your relationship doesn’t mean as much to them as it does to you. I mean….the phone works both ways doesn’t it!!???!!
The problem with so many of these situations is that we don’t always know where the other person is emotionally or what their thought process is. What we concern ourselves with is what we think…what we feel….not really thinking how the other person is thinking or feeling. And in our imperfect world….usually…the other person is just as insecure and damaged as we are and they are dealing with their own feelings and thoughts.
So let me start here. Feelings….can lie.
Yes…they are real….but feelings can lie to you. They can make you feel unloved, unworthy, not good enough, fearful, self conscious and just downright unhappy. We “feel” like they don’t love us enough. We “feel” like they are just using us. We “feel” like we just aren’t good enough.
This is just…..well…wrong. Yes. Our feelings are ours to have. But some of them just don’t speak TRUTH! We are created by our Father who doesn’t mess up! We are His perfect creation. Enough for Him. Worthy of His love. And definitely good enough to receive blessings!
We just get so bogged down in our feelings that they soon become our perception and then our perceptions become our reality. The problem with this…is our reality…is not grounded in truth.
If we can just ground ourselves in the truth…..our reality….will become JOY! Joy from the knowledge that no matter what anybody else says or does, we are children of the King of Kings. We are created by the Creator of the Universe. We are worthy of blessings beyond our comprehension! We are strengthened by the Strength of the Most High!
Our joy is not dependent on others. Our joy is part of our choice. Our choice of believing…..our choice of denying what we may be feeling and instead….believing what we KNOW….is TRUTH! We have the power within us to invoke this power….all through our choices!
We CHOOSE to be joyful……we CHOOSE to find silver linings…..we CHOOSE to not give anyone or anything any more power over our lives than what we say it can have! WE CHOOSE!!
So….I’m going to choose to stop testing. Instead of waiting for that other person to call me….I’ll choose to pick up the phone when I think of them. Instead of staying mad or upset at something someone has done to me….I’ll choose to forgive them and try to understand. Instead of TESTING my loved ones….I’ll CHOOSE to use my words….to tell them how I’m feeling….to be vulnerable and let them see my insecurities. I’ll choose to replace my untrue feelings….with TRUTH…that I am loved…I am chosen….I am forgiven…
Will you choose the power within you??? It’s up to you!
much love ~cheli
My Life as a COMMA! 
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