Generally….we relish in the memories our mind brings to us…so bright and so vivid! We are thankful we have such a way to remember….to have such wonderful thoughts of our loved ones.
But there are times…for me, anyway…..it is torturous.
As one of my girlfriends say….this is “that week”. It starts on Valentines Day….but then it really is non stop from about the 19th through the 25th.
Like I said before…I love the memories…I love the way I can still see their faces…. but right now….it’s too hard..
I can tell you the last time I took them to see my mom at her house. I can tell you the last night they were at my house. I can tell you the last time I saw each of them. I can tell you the last conversation we had. I can tell you…..so much. And normally….it wouldn’t be so bad…..but each of those is the LAST time…..
There just isn’t a way that I can appropriately share with you just how much this hurts. Even though I know it’s coming…it still hits like a ton of bricks. I can’t express to you that every moment, in my head, I have those thoughts racing in the back of my mind. I try to stay busy….stay in the present world…but sometimes it is just too hard. It makes me physically hurt. It just hasn’t gone away.
I can still tell you where we stood around my mother’s bed the last time we went to see her.
I can still tell you where we were in my van when Cody and I were fighting over if I should get a car or keep the van!
I can still see their faces as we ate at Arby’s that last night we were all together.
I can still see the worry on Cody and Cory’s face as they came to the hospital while mom was still in surgery.
I can still hear their voices as I told them I loved them and I’d see them when I got home from Tahlequah………………
But it didn’t happen.. I didn’t see them again…. until I saw them in their coffins. Ya’ll….those are hard memories. And right now…that is all that is going on in my head.
I know I’ll be okay….I know that soon I’ll be able to be present in the here and now…..I know it does get better.
But for right now….for a little while. I’m not okay. And it hurts. It hurts more than I can express or ever want anyone to ever understand!! But many do…and I’ve met many of you. You understand. You understand that no matter how much time has passed….no matter how “normal” you may seem on the outside…..
That inside…you’re remembering…trying desperately to hold on to every memory of your child that you possibly can…. That inside…you feel like you just can’t breathe…because the memories of the “lasts” are just too much…. That inside…your heart feels like it just can’t beat another day without them here with you.
I’m there. I will be for a bit. So if I see you and don’t seem “just quite like myself”…this is why. If I won’t accept your hug…it’s not because I don’t love you or want you to be there for me…. It is because I can’t….If you hug me right now…and it lingers past a second…I’ll break. And honestly….I don’t think I could pull myself back together. If I seem busy….it’s because that is my coping mechanism.
I know God will restore my soul soon….and I am forever grateful for knowing my boys are with Him and we will meet again. But I know that God understands my feelings…and will allow me to feel them…..because He loves me. He gets me. And He holds me through these times. He is big enough….and strong enough…for me to be sad.
I love each of you…..and would appreciate your prayers. Not just for me…but for my family…for their friends….for parents whose hearts feel empty…
~c
My Life as a COMMA! 
I know it seems as if many (including myself) aren’t thinking of you because we don’t write, text, call or stop by. But most of us don’t know WHAT to say because we are afraid it’ll be the wrong thing. But we all care, we all love you and we all want to make it better for you and your family. I know I’ll never forget that long Saturday we (as home room parents) had to call every child’s parent to let them know what happened so they could be the one to tell their child. That was the hardest 20 calls I ever had to make. Each call brought more tears and heartbreak for you because I still had Caleb’s buddy, who sat next to him in Karen McCornack’s class to hug and love on. And being in second grade made it confusing for him. I’m sure Karen is living on him right now. She was full of love for that sweetie. That school was broken and they tried to console all those students who loved your babies. I’ll never forget the night at that PTA mtg when you came in and spoke to that gym full of parents, grandparents and students, being so positive and telling us to go home and love on our children and don’t feel sorry for you. But we all did. We could barely stand to look at you because we were so heartbroken and wanted to fix you and make you better. Again, there were no words. Just tears. And now, more tears as I write this. When Landon graduated from college I thought of what it would be like for your handsome Caleb to be standing beside him, smiling that sweet, adorable smile. Again, to be rambling so much, what words can make it better? I wish I knew. Love you and even though I probably won’t see you unless it’s just by accident, as usual (out eating!😉), you’re on my mind and my heart breaks for you. Prayers, in abundance, are being said for you by the thousands and I hope you feel some sort of comfort from them, because they are truly sincere. And on your strongest days or weakest nights, I know Jesus has his arms around you, just like he does those three precious angels he’s holding tightly until you’re there to help him. For now, your two earth angels and one big one depend on you and as usual, you’ll be the wonderful mom you’ve always been. You’re a blessing and inspiration to all of us, even though you feel broken. And you have all the reason in the world to feel that way. You’re a beautiful soul, inside and out and I feel honored to have you for my inspiration and friend! ❤️🙏😇