My Life as a COMMA!

Here is a picture of my beautiful boys.  I had planned to flood this post with pictures of them…but can’t seem to see past all my tears right now.  14 years ago today.. they were taken from me.  Their earthly lives were cut short…  and today..  I am not the strong woman so many of you think I am.  Today I am a mommy who is just crying out to God..  that even though I know they are with Him….I WANT THEM HERE WITH ME!!!!  I want them to need their mommy still… I wanted to fight with them in high school!!  God….I miss my babies.  Today I am not standing as tall….I am not feeling so strong…i just hurt.  I can’t stop the ache in my heart.  The yearning to be able to hold them again.  The longing to hear their voices just one. more. time……….   To see those beautiful smiles beaming at me.    To feel their touch again.  I miss them more than words can describe.  I hurt more than I could ever explain.  There are days, like today, I just can’t fathom the rest of my life missing them this much.  The pain doesn’t go away.  It is always there.  And there are days…like today…I allow myself to feel them so much more than other days.

If you haven’t been around me for long….you might be getting worried that I am losing it…or falling apart…or losing my faith in the words I have put on here before.  But please know…..  I have a saying.  “It is okay to be down….it just isn’t okay to stay down.”  And that is where I am.  This is a day I allow myself to just cry….to feel how much the hurt is and to feel the pain of loss.  For me, it is a part of my grieving process.  Some anniversaries I don’t do this.  I never know when these days will hit me.  But I do know that if I don’t allow myself to truly feel them…that the consequences are not good.

My God is big enough to hold me His lap and let me cry….and grieve….and cry some more.  He holds me through these days and then gently lifts me to my feet again and nudges me and tells me it is time to go on.  My children were a gift from Him.  To hold a little while…..to love….to teach….  to have…for a short while.

In the 11 years I had Cody……he blessed me more than I can ever tell you about.  He smiled at everyone.  He was strong….and a friend to all….  I miss the man he would be today….but I am proud to have been his mom for that time.  And still proud to be his mom now.

In the 10 years I had Cory….he sang a song in my heart that I will always cherish.  His voice touched so many and he loved life…and I know the man he would’ve been would have made me proud as well.  I am proud to be his mom.

In the 8 years I had Caleb….his view of this world changed my views.  He was serious…but fun.   He was loving…and caring…and always knew how to make you laugh.  Him, as a man, would be someone I know would have made a difference in this world.  So proud to be his mom.

One day….I will scan pictures and tell you stories of my babies.  But not today.  I can hardly see through these tears and need to go sit in my Heavenly father’s lap and be held…………………………

To my babies……..until we meet again….I will cherish the times we had on this earth together.   I will look forward to the times we will have in eternity.   I will continue on the path God has chosen for my life.   I will honor your lives by going on.  All my love…sweet babies… mommy.

This is so light-hearted today compared to yesterday’s post.  It is such a short and sweet little story..I couldn’t help but share!

Last Wednesday my baby girl had a low-grade fever.  It was my scheduled day off and so I got to stay home with her.  No complaints about that at all!!!  So we had a day of rest and playing.  I thought we were on our way to being mended….but she went to bed Wednesday night with a temp of 99.0 and woke up with a temp of 99.3!  That darned fever just wouldn’t break!  No meds since 8:45 the night before and she slept through the night….but no.  Only problem for mom is that mom….had a speaking event to do during the lunch hour!!  Now, I can call in sick and get someone to cover my job….but really..I can’t get someone to cover at a speaking engagement!  So….dad to the rescue.  Bryan was able to rearrange his schedule to stay home with my princess!  I decided to get her into the Dr. just to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious (because there is a lot of CRUD going around) and had to prepare her that mommy wouldn’t be the one taking her to the Dr. She really didn’t like that idea but seemed to be okay with Dad going.  She developed a cough the night before so I wanted to prepare her for the dreaded swab test.  She said, “NOOOO!  I am NOT doing that!  The last time I did that I like…gagged for 5 seconds!!”  I told her it would be better to gag for 5 seconds than to get worse and go in the hospital and them not know what was wrong with her and the right medicines to give her to make her better! ( I know….not the best mom logic…but it’s all I had!)  So….off they went to see the Dr…and off I went to my speaking engagement. 

Just before my event started I got a text.   “She has strep!!”  GREAT!!!  But….at least we would get meds and she would be on the mend!!! 

So…..later that night…it was just us girls and we were all cuddled up and I was telling her how proud I was of her.  I had heard she was very good at the doctor’s office and was very brave.  With all the confidence in the world she said, “Yeah….the lady that did the test today was WAAAYY better than the last one.  I think I only gagged for like…a couple of seconds instead of 5!”  I laughed!  I told her I was glad she felt that way….

Then…..with all seriousness she looked at me and said….”But mom….I wish dad had held my hand while they were doing the test.”  “Where was dad?”, I asked.  “Well, he was just sitting there reading a magazine.”  As I was soaking it all in and imagining him sitting there trying to get through his baby not liking what was happening by hiding behind some magazine….I realized she was starting to change expressions. I could see some deep thought in her face.  I waited………..and she says…..

“But you know mom…..I guess if I wanted him to hold my hand…I should have just asked him.”   “OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH baby girl,” I said, “Let me just tell you right now that if there is ever any thing you want from a boy or a man…..you HAVE to tell them what it is!”  She just looked at me and smiled.  I told her that boys don’t understand what is going on in our heads and we have to tell them everything!  She told me she didn’t get it.  I said, “Well….they just don’t GET us!”  And with all seriousness…..she looked at me and said…… “But mom….they MARRY us!”  I said, “Yes, they marry us because they love us…..not because they understand us!” 

With that ….. just burst into this laughter….that I will cherish until the day I die!

Laugh with someone today!  It is a blessing to you…and to them!   ~c

This is going to be a difficult post.  It is a difficult subject.  Please know that I am speaking from my heart…and through my faith.  You are welcome to disagree.  I encourage you to comment….but please be kind.  ~c

There have been so many hurting…so many tragedies around me lately.  I spent a lot of time on my swing outside last night…just laying there listening to the waterfall of my pond and talking with God.  Many tears fell during that conversation…and for some time…I just had to be still…because there were no words.  This morning I awoke to get ready for work….and my mind turned immediately to those who I know are hurting.  I began to pray.  That, for now, is all I can do.

In my bathroom as I was preparing for the day…I looked up and saw a plaque I have that hangs on the wall next to where I get ready every morning.  It says, “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle; I just wish He didn’t trust me so much!”  It is attributed as a quote of Mother Teresa.  I have had that in the same spot for over nine years.  I remember feeling that very feeling.  I had just had my second miscarriage.  You see, between Bryce and Breanna…..I had two miscarriages.  After the second miscarriage and the surgery I underwent…I remember telling Bryan that I couldn’t do this any more.  I couldn’t try for another child.  I couldn’t allow myself the possible hurt of losing another child.  I couldn’t imagine the thought of more pain…I thought….it was more than I could comprehend.  Well, I guess you all know how that turned out…..a while after that…God softened my heart…and with His strength..I tried again.  This time…my beautiful daughter was born.  It was only in His strength that I was able to move past my fear of pain and into the possibility of being hurt again or experiencing joy again.

Never will I leave you or forsake you….. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  from Deuteronomy 31:8

Someone posted this morning on facebook that the saying that is on my plaque isn’t necessarily true…..that God gives us more than we can handle to see if we will trust Him with the parts we can’t handle.  Made me really start thinking.  I remember seeing the plaque in a magazine shortly after my miscarriage and thinking I soooo needed that because that is EXACTLY how I felt.  But I also remember, several years later looking at that plaque and thinking I don’t know if I agree.  You see….there are several places in the bible that tell us to rejoice in our sufferings.  You see…many people seem to think that this life is supposed to be all peaches and cream….easy….and free from burdens.  But that isn’t what scripture says.  Scripture tells me in Romans 5:3 & 4, “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  and in James 1:2 & 3, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  So honestly, how can we NOT expect to have trials and tragedies in our lives?  The question here is….do you try to conquer those trials in your own strength and understanding???? or do you allow God to walk  you through them?  …. searching for the message, or the “silver lining” in whatever situation it may be???

Here are my thoughts…..  I believe that first…..it isn’t always God that gives these trials to us.  I believe that what God did give us is free will.  The will to make our own choices and not be forced to love Him, trust Him and obey Him.  Proverbs 19:3 says, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”  In other words, we choose our destiny and then get angry at God when it isn’t what we expected.  I know some will argue that we can’t choose everything that happens to us.  I agree.  Look at my story.  I didn’t choose what happened.  Never in a million years would I make that choice.  My entire life is now a consequence of someone else’s actions.  BUT……what we can choose is how we react.  Our reaction to our own or other’s choices is our own.  No one can make it but us.  No one can tell me that I HAVE to stay sad or angry or upset or whatever it may be.  No one can make me choose to go on.  Those are all choices I must make for myself.  No one can make me choose to continue to move forward…to seek God….to allow myself to heal….to look for something positive in every situation.   That is where faith steps in.  I looked at that plaque one day and realized that I should be thankful He gives me so much.  Because to me…that means He has faith in ME….faith that I will walk through each valley with HIM!!

Now….the question of does He give us too much…or even does He allow too much…. 

Never will I leave you or forsake you…… Those are words from God.  He doesn’t lie.  He doesn’t change.  So why would I ever doubt this is true?  Because I am human, that is why.  The question about the tragedy of suicide often comes into play when discussions about this topic arise.  My thoughts are……  No, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle ………. WITHOUT HIM!  That is the part most people don’t get.  Most people don’t do all of their lives with GOD.  Often, we look at situations through our emotions, our own hearts…our past situations and wounds….and we react.  We react in our own weakness.  Not feeling strong enough to go through the difficult valleys. 

You’ve heard people say…”I only took my eyes off the road for a second.”  or “I just looked away for a split second.” and in that split second…anything can happen.  Your car can cross the center line…..another vehicle can hit you….a toddler can fall into a pool….you can make a wrong choice.  Well, to me it is no different in most situations…including suicide.  For even a split second….if we take our eyes off of God…. if we stop seeing things through His eyes and using His strength and only rely on our own…then …that is when we react…we make wrong choices.  Many people say that suicide is selfish.  I have thought that at times myself.  But now…I see it through God’s eyes.  I see that a person cannot see how…in their own strength…they can ever move past the situation they are in.  The act of suicide in this instance, to me, is not selfishness….it is sheer desperation.  It is the feeling of hopelessness….that they can’t see past.  It is that split second…that they have taken their eyes off of HIM….who can save them….and only been able to see hopelessness…..in their own strength.  You can’t blame someone for being human…for not feeling strong enough.  Never should we judge someone else’s fear or doubt….because it happens to all of us.

So…I believe that God doesn’t EVER give us more than we can handle.  He doesn’t mess up.  We do though.  But the cool thing is His word tells us that He can take all of our mess ups and turn them for good!  I choose to share what happened to me now….not to boast in my own strength…but to show others that with HIS strength.  THAT…is hope.  THAT is Him turning something so tragic…into good.  Me, choosing to get up….everyday and do life over again…to remarry…to have more kids…..to just go forward…..somehow offers hope to others.  But it wasn’t me.  It was Him.  All that I did….was make the choice…..the choice to trust Him.  To trust that He would use it for good.  To hope that one day I would experience joy and blessings again.  And look at all I would have missed out on had I chosen to take my eyes off of Him…and try to do it in my own strength!

If your life seems difficult…lean into His strength.  If you don’t know how…ask someone for help.  Every situation…and I mean EVERY situation … is like a double-edged sword.  YOU CHOOSE which side of the sword you will fall on. 

I choose to trust Him.  To know that this world is temporary.  To understand that my eternity will have no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death, no more tragedy.  I look forward to those days…..and that….helps me make the choices I make today.

Be blessed today.  Feel blessed always.  Every day is a new day….new possibilities await you…..and everything in the past is in the past.  Keep moving forward.  You never know who you might help…just by getting up..out of bed …. and moving forward!

Much love ~c

Today my heart is hurting so badly for a family right now.  Yesterday they had to say their good byes to their 3-year-old son.  Last night as I was driving home after hearing the news…..many thoughts came flooding to my mind.  The one that stood out though is the memory of riding in the family car from the church to the cemetery.  I remember seeing all the people pulled over to allow the funeral procession to pass and thinking how they were just being a little bit inconvenienced in their lives….how unfair it was….because I didn’t have the same life to go back to today.  I remember how it felt when everybody went back to their lives and I had to reinvent mine.  I had, what seemed like, nothing to go back to.  It made me hurt so badly for this mom.  I know the feeling of not knowing how to go on….of not knowing how to get past this difficult time.

My prayer for her and this family is that they will allow themselves to completely crawl into the lap of God and allow Him to hold them while they heal.  To understand His love for them.

The following is a journal entry I wrote on May 22, 2008.  This was just after the tragedy that happened in the Steven Curtis Chapman home…and some other tragedies closer to home.  It is fitting and my feelings are still the same.  So I will let my words from that day express my feelings of today….

WHY??????

The other night I felt like God told me specifically to change my thoughts about this blog and use it to share more of myself, my story and basically start over. I will do that….but right now, I just have to be transparent.

Right now I just feel like crying out to God and saying, “Enough already! I don’t get WHY you bless us with such a beautiful gift as our children and then allow them to be taken away!” I have been there. I know I am not the first and unfortunately won’t be the last….BUT ENOUGH! Babies being born with something wrong. Mommies and Daddies learning that while their beautiful child is still being formed in the womb that something is gravely wrong and that baby will never grow into the child they had dreamed about! Beautiful children being born completely healthy and then struck with a terrible disease that ravages their body and then takes them from their family. And children having completely wonderfully lives and then tragically being taken from our world!

I know, I know….the Lord giveth and He taketh away. I know death is a part of life…and I will praise Him daily for all of it….but right now my frustration cries out to HIM “WHY??” As tears roll down my face with pain for the families I know right now who are dealing with this and the families I don’t even know who are dealing with this…..I know all I can do is pray. Pray for peace in the midst of the darkness. Pray for the moments of calm and rays of sunshine to shine through the clouds. And in time, for the moments of memories to bring happy tears to their eyes for the time they were blessed with their children instead of thoughts of anger and pain for their loss! As I ramble and hurt…..I guess I just wish there was something I could do to make it all go away. I wish their was something I could do to take away their pain. I wish for some kind of something…anything..that would allow our world to never have to suffer the pain of the loss of a child…in any matter…at any age. But it is when I am here, questioning and hurting, that my Father gently holds me and reminds me that He understands. He too, lost a child. He too, buried His son. He too, went through the darkness…and wept. But it is because of His loss, His pain and suffering that we can REJOICE! Rejoice in the knowledge that one day soon, we will be with our children again! We will run to them and be able to hold them as we long to today and be with them for eternity! We can rejoice in the knowledge of Him holding them and taking care of them until we can be together again! Thank you Lord, for giving Your Son, for you sacrifice. Accept me as I hurt, cry, scream, question, and rejoice all in the same breath. I ache for my children….I ache for others who have lost their children…..I ache for the time we will all be together again.

Thank you for the blessings of them. Thank you for the blessings of my friends and family now. Thank you for giving me your word to know that all of this is temporary. That the separation from my children will only last a moment…and we will all be together forever! I praise you for that!

“10. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
I Peter 5:10-11

~cheli

Ok…this is going to be another proud mommy blog.  I have seen a snapshot into both of my kid’s hearts the past few days and I just want to share a couple of stories about how these glimpses have made my heart smile!

The other night at dinner, Miss Breanna was wiping off the table while her dad and I were still eating!  She was showing us how the lunch ladies at school “were so good …  that they could go right around anyone still left at the table and just get their cleaning done!”  In the middle of her demonstration…she said, “OK….now…I want each of us to go around and take turns telling each other one way that God has blessed you today!”  SO CUTE! So we shared our stories…

Bryce’s showed his heart……he said, “Well, God blessed me today in the library.  I was helping the librarian and she was getting really frustrated because the fourth graders were being so rowdy and not listening.  I saw that there was still a lot to do….so while she was trying to get on to them ..(mom smiling here because he is such a BIG 5th grader!)…I picked up ALL the books and just started putting everything up and back on the shelves where they belong.”  I told him that was fantastic and that I am sure he blessed her by doing so!  He says, “Yea mom, I was blessed because she came to me and was almost in tears when she thanked me for helping out!”  Awwww…..how sweet is he???

Then…… there is last night.  We did break down and allow Bryce to have a phone for Christmas!  Well….last night the kids were in their classes at church…and Bryan and I were each at different houses at our own bible study classes.  Well…..almost time to leave and I get a text from Bryce!  “Mom, I need you to be here by 8:35 immediately!”  To which I reply….”Ok bud.   I am on my way!”  He replies, ” k thanks…it is freaking hectic here  love u”.  (OK…I said he is sweet, not perfect! ;-))  I sent what time my clock said to check with him and he says my time is right.  Then he sends, “I regret saying this but I’m pissed off right now”.  So of course I drive a little faster to get him.

When I pick the kids up he is ok and says we can talk when we get home…he didn’t want to say anything in front of his sister.  So at home he shares that he and his friend had watched two kids start giving out threats and it came to them swinging at each other and then saying stuff to his friend.  “Mom, I just walked away with my friend but that was just bothering me they weren’t listening and then kept doing it!”  But then he breaks down in tears and says he is really mad at himself for using that word!  I ask him what word and he says he won’t say it again.  Again….which word?  He goes and gets his phone and pulls up our texts and points to the word pissed.  I just hugged his neck and told him I appreciate his wanting to be better…but let’s focus on the good.  He walked away….he told an adult….he did what he was supposed to do!  Out of all of that….he was upset he had used a “bad” word!  Again….Awwwww!  Did I mention he is a literal child?

Then…this morning.  Getting ready is sometimes a really easy thing.  Then….there are those days when my daughter thinks that the words “hurry up” mean that instead of an hour to only take thirty minutes to do a task that should only  take 3 minutes in the first place!!!  So…today was THAT day!  My sweet boy comes and asks if he can call his Gramma.  This is code for….”Can I call to see if she will bring me lunch today?”  so I said no.  He tells me he wants to call for sissy since she is running late and doesn’t like today’s menu.  So of course…I say yes.  Then…when gramma isn’t able to come….he helps pack her lunch and get her things ready!  I love these moments!

Ok…last but not least..on the way to school.  Driving them to school we chat and then I say let’s do our morning prayers…..Bryce starts.  He prays for our days….asking God to be with each of us as we are apart and keep us safe and bring us back together.  Then Breanna prays….  She says, “Lord….please be with our friend’s mom who has cancer.  Please let her know that while she is going through this you are right beside her.  Please be beside her through all this hard time and help us know what we can do to help them.”  Did I mention she is only 8?

Well…that’s it for now.  My kids are nowhere NEAR as perfect as I might make them out to be!  We also had an argument over smacking our cereal this morning and who chews the loudest!!  But I am so thankful for these glimpses into their hearts!  So thankful that they can be so “kingdom minded” at times and that He is growing their hearts!  Makes this momma’s heart smile!!!!

These little glimpses reminded me of this scripture…

“Look out for one another’s interests, no just for your own.”  Philippians 2:4

I think if we could all take a few moments throughout the day and think of others…..it would bless us more than we could ever realize!

Make it a great day!  Make yours….and someone else’s heart smile today!

~c

Ok…..so you know that these days coupons are everywhere!   There are coupon classes, there are websites devoted entirely to the use of coupons, there are even the best of the best coupon users on the news.  Even the financial channels are talking about people using coupons!

Well, this morning I heard about coupons in a whole different manner.  So I’d like to share this with you!

I went to the Praise and Worship service with my kiddos this morning.  The scripture used was this, “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we have been redeemed.” Isaiah 53:5 There are a lot of big words in there….transgressions…..iniquities……..and he explained to the kids what each of them meant.  But it is his explanation of redeemed that really got me to thinking.

He asked the kids if they knew what a coupon was for.  They all raised their hands and said it was for getting something cheaper….even for FREE!

Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s it!  Now….here it is.  Christ has paid the price for our sins.  He did it for ALL of us.  Not just the elite….not just for the rich….not just for Americans…..not just for people who go to church…..not just for people who dress a certain way…….not just….ok…you get it…for ALL of us!  No matter what you or I have done or will do…..all of it is forgiven!  Those iniquities and transgressions……gone.  As far as the east is from the west ……paid for.  Forgiven.  So it is out there……like a coupon….just waiting for something.  So…..just as you have to “redeem” a coupon.  That means that all those coupons for free pizzas…free ice cream….sitting in my drawer won’t do me a bit of good….unless I take them out and take them to the store and “redeem” them.  Just because they are in my drawer doesn’t mean someone is going to just show up with that free pizza and ice cream!  It just doesn’t work that way!  Well, neither does the saving grace of our Lord.  We have to do something with it!  We have to accept in our hearts that Christ has paid the price already and that no matter how “good” we are….we just can’t do it alone!  Then we have to redeem God’s coupon.  We have to turn over our lives to Him.  Think about it.  The physical act of handing over that coupon and them ringing up the ticket….you see that minus sign at the bottom of your receipt……..that is what God wants to do.  He wants to minus out all of our sins…..to show us that the bridge to him has already been built…..but the one missing plank in the bridge to that relationship with Him ….. is waiting for us to just redeem our coupon!

Now tell me……if you realized that there is a coupon out there that says….

This coupon is redeemable for one life…..

Forgiven of all sins….

Guaranteed to never be alone…..

A hope that this life is just temporary, and that your eternity will be spent in a glorious place with the God of the Universe….

Nothing can ever change the rewards once this coupon has been redeemed!….

Price of coupon already paid by my son, Jesus Christ.  Nothing you can do can ever pay for what this coupon could help you experience.

Failure to use this coupon during life on earth will result in an eternity of separation from God in a fiery pit.

Coupon must be redeemed during your lifetime before the expiration of your body.

What do you think?  Would you use it? Would you stop for just a moment and just realize that since the price…..a very high price….has already been paid for your life……AND…..since there is definitely NOTHING you can do on your own to match the value of this coupon…….. would you redeem this coupon?

All you have to do is say, “Jesus, I need you.  I believe that you are the Son of God and that you died for ME!  I thank you for paying the price for me and I want to redeem this coupon in order to live my life with you!  To live my life FOR you!  I am broken.  I am hurting.  I ask that you come into my heart and fill up the spot that has been waiting for you.  Thank you, Lord.”  AMEN!

Friends……  my prayer today is that you understand and know that you have already been redeemed.  Revelations 3:20 says this, “Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Maybe God is knocking….just asking you to open the door to Him.  I promise if you do it…..if you turn your life over to Him and allow Him to work…….you will be AMAZED at just what He can do!

I’ve redeemed my coupon!  Now….have you?  ~c

A lot has happened since my last post.  I can’t believe it has been almost two months since I shared a blog!!

December is a wonderful and yet difficult month for me!  I am blessed to have a birthday, my daughter, sister and cousins also have birthdays during this month!  It is also a beatiful time celebrating the birth of our Lord.

For me it is also a difficult time.  1.) My mother LOVED Christmas!  And she decorated the WHOLE house!  And I do too, for the most part.  This time it just was very difficult.  I am not sure why.  Never could pin it down.  But I had totes sitting out in my living room for almost a week before I pulled myself together and decorated.  It was all good…..but many totes still had decorations in them.  My to-do list for this year is to decide what to keep and what to give away so this doesn’t keep happening!  2.) My birthday……I honestly don’t care about my age…really!  This year I just missed my mom.  Again, can’t explain what the triggers were…but I just missed having her around. 3.) This is the month that started some really difficult times in my first marriage.  enough said.

So….new year.  I can tell that God has been speaking to my spirit and asking more of me.  I have been doing a lot of reading of scripture and some awesome books that are shaping me and speaking to me.  I am also trying to remain very open to what He is saying to me.  I want to hear His voice…not anyone else’s…including my own.  My voice often tells me that even though I have come through so much….there are still some things that are too hard…  Or my voice says things like…. how can you consider counseling others when your own heart still has so much difficulties????  You aren’t good enough.  But I have had the voice of Christ screaming at me that what I have done….what I still do to mess things up…doesn’t matter.  What matters is my heart.  What matters is my heart knowing HE is enough.  HE is the one who will speak through me.  HE is the one who has already carried me through so much and will continue to carry me.  Also….my heart wanting more…wanting to know Him, to serve Him and to be more like Him.  These are the things that matter.  I am truly starting to believe it.  I am beginning to believe that I was put here for more than the existance I have been living out.  I have a story to tell and if it will help others and it is what He is asking me to do……then I will share it.  No matter what.  That for me….is all in.

My pastor this past weekend shared a fired up sermon about being all in!  About holding nothing back from God and giving Him our everything.  That is truly what I want.  Does it scare me at all?????  YOU BET your sweet patooty it does!!!!  But it also gives me hope.  Hope that there is more than the mere existance of just being on this earth to work…raise a family…watch some TV…..go on a few vacations…  No…there is more.  There is an opportunity to CHANGE other peoples lives.  To welcome and introduce people into the KINGDOM of GOD!!  WOW!  To make a difference in someone’s life.  To show them hope through Him.  To show them purpose.  To show them love.

To live on purpose.  That is what I want.  I don’t want to see things just come and go.  I want a plan and a purpose.  A vision for my life!  I know God has had this in mind all along!  “It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  Long before we first heard of Christ,….he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.”  Ephesians 1:11 (the Message) Honestly, I would hate to miss it.  To miss what His plans have been for me all along.

Slowly but surely I am beginning to understand.  There has been an awful lot of loss around me lately.  Just yesterday I saw a good friend bury the love of her life.  Then I received a note to pray for someone who had lost their son on Christmas.  If I can touch these people…through prayer….or even my story….then that is what I am supposed to do.  Going through all that I have been through will definitely mean so much more if I can use it to glorify the Kingdom of God.  If I can share and bring hope to one…then that is what I shall do.

Please pray for me as I embark upon this mission.  It has been there all along…but I want to do this more on purpose.  What that looks like is still being revealed to me….but I am more excited now than I have ever been.  Excited to be a vessel…to be used to pour out a message of hope….forgiveness and of love.

My prayer for each of you is that He will stir within you a desire to be all in!  He will show you the vision for your life and that you will be as excited about it I as I am for mine!

Blessings ! ~c