Here is a picture of my beautiful boys. I had planned to flood this post with pictures of them…but can’t seem to see past all my tears right now. 14 years ago today.. they were taken from me. Their earthly lives were cut short… and today.. I am not the strong woman so many of you think I am. Today I am a mommy who is just crying out to God.. that even though I know they are with Him….I WANT THEM HERE WITH ME!!!! I want them to need their mommy still… I wanted to fight with them in high school!! God….I miss my babies. Today I am not standing as tall….I am not feeling so strong…i just hurt. I can’t stop the ache in my heart. The yearning to be able to hold them again. The longing to hear their voices just one. more. time………. To see those beautiful smiles beaming at me. To feel their touch again. I miss them more than words can describe. I hurt more than I could ever explain. There are days, like today, I just can’t fathom the rest of my life missing them this much. The pain doesn’t go away. It is always there. And there are days…like today…I allow myself to feel them so much more than other days.
If you haven’t been around me for long….you might be getting worried that I am losing it…or falling apart…or losing my faith in the words I have put on here before. But please know….. I have a saying. “It is okay to be down….it just isn’t okay to stay down.” And that is where I am. This is a day I allow myself to just cry….to feel how much the hurt is and to feel the pain of loss. For me, it is a part of my grieving process. Some anniversaries I don’t do this. I never know when these days will hit me. But I do know that if I don’t allow myself to truly feel them…that the consequences are not good.
My God is big enough to hold me His lap and let me cry….and grieve….and cry some more. He holds me through these days and then gently lifts me to my feet again and nudges me and tells me it is time to go on. My children were a gift from Him. To hold a little while…..to love….to teach…. to have…for a short while.
In the 11 years I had Cody……he blessed me more than I can ever tell you about. He smiled at everyone. He was strong….and a friend to all…. I miss the man he would be today….but I am proud to have been his mom for that time. And still proud to be his mom now.
In the 10 years I had Cory….he sang a song in my heart that I will always cherish. His voice touched so many and he loved life…and I know the man he would’ve been would have made me proud as well. I am proud to be his mom.
In the 8 years I had Caleb….his view of this world changed my views. He was serious…but fun. He was loving…and caring…and always knew how to make you laugh. Him, as a man, would be someone I know would have made a difference in this world. So proud to be his mom.
One day….I will scan pictures and tell you stories of my babies. But not today. I can hardly see through these tears and need to go sit in my Heavenly father’s lap and be held…………………………
To my babies……..until we meet again….I will cherish the times we had on this earth together. I will look forward to the times we will have in eternity. I will continue on the path God has chosen for my life. I will honor your lives by going on. All my love…sweet babies… mommy.
My Life as a COMMA! 
Love u Miss Cheli
Saw Bryan today at MHS n he gave me ur blog. I’m hoping the secretay from the Bridge will call u n Hve u speak to our womens group. Ur a beautiful n strong woman. I’m praying for u n ur family.
Cheli,
May God continue to carry you through these rough days and may he also bless you with happiness and joy on others. God has given you an inner strength to share your story and your journey through him. May God keep watch over you.
Cheli, I loved those precious little boys. Cody helped me when I needed a helper and Cody and I sang together during my time with him at church. Caleb was such a smart little boy, I was so amazed at his “math” ability):!! We always think of them and pray for you. God Bless You and we will never forget them. Belinda
I thought of you all day yesterday and prayed for you earnestly. I love you!
Cheli,
I also can’t drive down Santa Fe without thinking of you every single time. I took my glasses off and cried for quite some time after reading this. You were an inspiration before their passing, and you remain an even stronger one now.
Yes, I share your motto. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and embrace it because by doing so, you’re not letting it control you and creep into your life like a cancer. You’re facing it head on, giving it the credit it’s due, then moving on when it ebbs and flows. I know you would trade the reason for our admiration any day, but we all admire you. I love you so dearly. One day, sister. One day you’ll see Cody smile, hear Cory sing, and embrace Caleb. I’ll be up there one day too and do it myself.
Keep trekking on…Praying for you always.
Melissa
I too remember and cherish your boys and you in my heart. Our God will carry us through. Praying for you and your family at this time of remembering. I can’t even drive down Sante Fe without thinking of the boys and you. We will never understand why, but will always lean on our Heavenly Father to carry us and hold us in his lap.
You are a very special lady. You have been an example to so many other mothers who have gone through the same fire you went through and continue to go through. May God give you extra special days with the children he has blessed you with today. To God be the Glory great things He has done. Can’t wait till the reunion in Heaven when we will praise God together for eternity.
With much love and admiration,
Penny
I too remember that morning and hearing my own screams when I heard what happened and then seeing the pain in your eyes and your family. you know my heart and love is always with you and your family. Thank you for reminding us that GOD will hold us if we only let him. LOVE YOU LADY, Lorraine
Cheli,
even though I never got to meet your boys I feel like I know them through the stories you have shared. You are one of the strongest women I know. You have made me a stronger better person by your faith in God.
As you know several of my police officer friends were out there that night and they still ask about you and even tear up as they remember the tragedy that will forever touch them as well. They see the strong amazing woman you have become and have told me you are the strongest person they know to have moved forward with such faith.
You are always giving so much of yourself and being so strong.. it is ok to be vulnerable, to be human to have an occasional day to just break down and know God will carry you through it.
What an amazing legacy you are leaving for those boys… to share such a tragedy with world, to be brave enough to let God pick you up and use you as a vessel to help so many others. I know they are so proud of you. I am honored to be your friend. You are a true inspiration to so many.
Cheli,
I’ll never forget that day either, but not in the same way you do. May our God continue to comfort you even when you just have to sit in his loving lap! I pray that his arms will bring you comfort as you cling to Him. Give your 2 new angels a hug as you remember the other angels God allowed you to enjoy for a few years! I will never understand your pain but love what you say about staying down. May he lift you up after you have had your moments of sorrow! Love you Jo
Dearest I have no words…… but I am praying for you!
Cheli,
Just the way I remember those precious boys. Know that I pray for you often and keep you close to my heart, especially today. May you feel God and all those around you wrap you up tight with love and may you have comfort during this especially difficult day. You are a very blessed mommy!! Love you!!
Danielle
Thank You for sharing, I cannot express my sorrows for the loss of your children. May God Continue to show you your inner strength and let you have your days when your down and share the dasy when your up . In all your a very strong woman to have gone through this and still at some point be able to put your head up and share your story.Please continue to find comfort in knowing that You will share a Eternal life with each one of them one day. I am sure they are so proud of you and how you share there lives. Three Precious angels up in the sky watching over there Mommy!
Cheli, I am sitting here in tears at the OKC airport as I read your beautiful post and my heart breaks for you. I want you to know that we do remember your cute sweet boys and still think of them and no doubt always will. I am praying for you and I don’t say that lightly – and I will continue to pray for you as God brings you to my mind. Thank you for sharing.
Cheli, I love how you said you were sitting in God’s lap and you have dealt with tragedy that is unfathomable. My heart is with you today sweet lady. Much love to you and thank you for sharing with us about your wonderful boys. My heart aches for you and sending you prayers and a hug ❤
Cheli – My heart is aching for you today. I cried as I read your words and I’m praying that you, in the middle of your grief today, will find that peace that passes understanding. I think grieving is a good thing because, in our busy lives, we need to be reminded of God’s comfort and how He longs to “hold us” in his lap. You are doing the right thing. Love you!
Oh Cheli my heart breaks for you. I am in tears as I read this. It’s only after Keith passed that I can begin to fathom the grief you have been through and I know that is just a small part. I will be praying for you.
I love you Cheli….my prayers for you are fervent. Someday Heaven….
I have been following your blog for a few months now… I am praying for you, especially today… I appreciate your openness with your feelings and your directness in your walk with our Lord. May He wrap His arms around you right now and just hold you tight!! Thank you for sharing your life and your faith with me!
God Bless you!
Brenda
Cheli,