Today my heart is hurting so badly for a family right now. Yesterday they had to say their good byes to their 3-year-old son. Last night as I was driving home after hearing the news…..many thoughts came flooding to my mind. The one that stood out though is the memory of riding in the family car from the church to the cemetery. I remember seeing all the people pulled over to allow the funeral procession to pass and thinking how they were just being a little bit inconvenienced in their lives….how unfair it was….because I didn’t have the same life to go back to today. I remember how it felt when everybody went back to their lives and I had to reinvent mine. I had, what seemed like, nothing to go back to. It made me hurt so badly for this mom. I know the feeling of not knowing how to go on….of not knowing how to get past this difficult time.
My prayer for her and this family is that they will allow themselves to completely crawl into the lap of God and allow Him to hold them while they heal. To understand His love for them.
The following is a journal entry I wrote on May 22, 2008. This was just after the tragedy that happened in the Steven Curtis Chapman home…and some other tragedies closer to home. It is fitting and my feelings are still the same. So I will let my words from that day express my feelings of today….
WHY??????
The other night I felt like God told me specifically to change my thoughts about this blog and use it to share more of myself, my story and basically start over. I will do that….but right now, I just have to be transparent.
Right now I just feel like crying out to God and saying, “Enough already! I don’t get WHY you bless us with such a beautiful gift as our children and then allow them to be taken away!” I have been there. I know I am not the first and unfortunately won’t be the last….BUT ENOUGH! Babies being born with something wrong. Mommies and Daddies learning that while their beautiful child is still being formed in the womb that something is gravely wrong and that baby will never grow into the child they had dreamed about! Beautiful children being born completely healthy and then struck with a terrible disease that ravages their body and then takes them from their family. And children having completely wonderfully lives and then tragically being taken from our world!
I know, I know….the Lord giveth and He taketh away. I know death is a part of life…and I will praise Him daily for all of it….but right now my frustration cries out to HIM “WHY??” As tears roll down my face with pain for the families I know right now who are dealing with this and the families I don’t even know who are dealing with this…..I know all I can do is pray. Pray for peace in the midst of the darkness. Pray for the moments of calm and rays of sunshine to shine through the clouds. And in time, for the moments of memories to bring happy tears to their eyes for the time they were blessed with their children instead of thoughts of anger and pain for their loss! As I ramble and hurt…..I guess I just wish there was something I could do to make it all go away. I wish their was something I could do to take away their pain. I wish for some kind of something…anything..that would allow our world to never have to suffer the pain of the loss of a child…in any matter…at any age. But it is when I am here, questioning and hurting, that my Father gently holds me and reminds me that He understands. He too, lost a child. He too, buried His son. He too, went through the darkness…and wept. But it is because of His loss, His pain and suffering that we can REJOICE! Rejoice in the knowledge that one day soon, we will be with our children again! We will run to them and be able to hold them as we long to today and be with them for eternity! We can rejoice in the knowledge of Him holding them and taking care of them until we can be together again! Thank you Lord, for giving Your Son, for you sacrifice. Accept me as I hurt, cry, scream, question, and rejoice all in the same breath. I ache for my children….I ache for others who have lost their children…..I ache for the time we will all be together again.
Thank you for the blessings of them. Thank you for the blessings of my friends and family now. Thank you for giving me your word to know that all of this is temporary. That the separation from my children will only last a moment…and we will all be together forever! I praise you for that!
“10. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
I Peter 5:10-11
~cheli
My Life as a COMMA! 
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