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STRENGTH & SURVIVAL

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on April 30, 2016| 2 Comments »

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve posted a couple pictures that have had some very heavy meaning in my life. I’ve posted a lot of pics on social media…. but these 2 are ones that truly have a lot of “back story” to them.

The first one I posted was on April 19th and it was this one…..

  
If you aren’t familiar with what this is…..it is “The Survivor Tree” in Oklahoma City. April 19th was the 21st anniversary of the day when 168 people were murdered in a terrorist attack in Oklahoma City. This day is one I remember vividly…as do most from our area…. You remember where you were..what you were doing…at the exact moment of the blast……I also remember the days after. The news coverage…the talks with friends…watching and hoping for a survivor to be found.  This is very similar to the way I remember the days leading up to and after my own tragedy. But the Oklahoma City bombing impacted a whole city, state, country…and more. The families torn apart, the lives lost…the lives forever changed. That day….was horrific. 

On this particular anniversary, so many were posting pics and comments…”We will never forget”…was the resounding cry of so many people. It is a comfort to families and friends of those who didn’t make it and those who were a part of this tragedy to hear that people won’t forget. Won’t forget what they went through…won’t forget their loved ones…or the lives they lived.

When I posted this photo…it was with no words attached….just the pic. I know, I know…so NOT like me! But I didn’t have words. Not at that moment… Not yet.  There were so many photos that represented that day…but this is the one photo that resonated with me…..   

Why? Because to me..this picture doesn’t just represent that day….It’s also about what has happened since that day! It’s about survival!!

This resonates with me. This tree wasn’t anything anyone paid attention to before. It grew in the concrete jungle of the parking area and wasn’t really even tended to. But then….even with glass and shredded pieces of the Murrah building embedded into it’s bark…..this tree….kept growing. Not only did it keep growing…but it became a symbol of hope…of survival…because it “made it” through this even and has gone on to grow into a beautiful tree.

This is what I believe to be part of my message. It isn’t always about what happened the day…the moment…tragedy strikes. It’s about the moments and the choices we have to make after the tragedy!!! There are tiny moments and small choices….that can seem so insignificant in themselves….but when you put them all together…it adds up to parts of your story…your survival.. It’s about how this tree…continued to grow…continued to bloom…continued to survive. It didn’t wilt away in the difficult situation it had been through. It continued to seek the sunlight, the soil…and the water it needed to grow. It didn’t give up. It 

I truly believe…it’s not about me…it’s not about the tree……It’s about the way God uses each of us…to reach others…to show hope through our stories. Sometimes…it’s about others hearing that I can still get up and have have a life…not just a regular one….but a wonderful, joy-filled life! AFTER a tragedy! Just as this tree shows there is still MORE……room for growth….a place for beauty….a way to thrive….even after what may seem like the most horrific thing in the world has happened to you….. Sometimes…I’ve come to realize…just getting out of bed…getting remarried…having more children….still praising the God who allowed the tragedy to happen….is enough to give others hope that there is a way for them to get to the other side of whatever difficult situation they are facing!

If you are still here…..if you are still breathing….THERE.IS.MORE!!! And even better…it can be OH.SO.GLORIOUS! 

BUT….you must CHOOSE to see it as such! You must CHOOSE to look for the silver linings…. YOU must CHOOSE…to continue to live. 

Is it easy?? 

Well…maybe this next picture I posted will answer that…

  
I’m just keeping it real. 

Yes…I’m strong….I see that now…even though I haven’t always felt it. Yes…I know I’m a survivor….even when I haven’t always seen myself as one! Yes…..my life is awesome in SO MANY AMAZING ways…..but it doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard.

Yes….I am thankful to be here…to be where I am in life…with my faith, my family…and all that is happening around me. 

BUT….I grow tired…and weary…and even worn sometimes. Sometimes I just don’t want to any more. Don’t want to “what”? You might ask…..    Anything. Sometimes I just am tired of making the choices I need to…..in order to continue to survive.

So….What do you do when those times hit? 

Well… Here are my “go-tos”. (Not in any specific order!)

1.) You allow yourself to be tired. There. I said it. Give in and feel what you are feeling. Go ahead and realize you need a break. You can be tired….be sad…be mad at the situation…….whatever it is you are feeling…FEEL IT!

BUT!!! 

2.) You HAVE to remember….IT’S OKAY TO BE DOWN….BUT IT ISN’T OKAY TO STAY THERE! Ask anyone who I talk to and they will probably tell you…I say this… A LOT! Because it’s true. You have to allow yourself time to feel what you feel. But you can’t “unpack and stay there” as I’ve seen some posters talk about! You must find a way to get past those feelings and start looking for good…for hope…and feeling other feelings too…not just the ones that have got you down!

3.) Call someone in your “safe”circle of friends. Be real with someone and let them know you’re struggling with being strong. Let them know you are weary and need some help. This is hard to do…especially if you are a giver. Don’t let the fact that others view you as strong….let you feel like you can’t be down or have a time when you are the one who needs lifting up!!!   It’s okay…it’s even biblical! “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

4.) PRAY! Remember….God is with you…He has never left you! He doesn’t expect you to be strong all the time. He has told you to allow HIM to carry your burdens! “Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” Psalm 68:19. I emphasized the DAILY…part. Let that sink in…He is there for you daily!!! 

5.) Remember….if you try to do it all in your own strength….you will always feel weary. It isn’t something we were meant to do. We cannot be strong, all on our own….for the rest of our lives. We were created to rely on the strength the Lord gives us. And He does….give it to us. I know…because in all the times I’ve felt strong…yet tired…HE has lifted me out of it! He has carried me in the times when I could no longer carry the weight of my life….    “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31.

So….use the POWER He gives you. Make the choices to go on….but know…that it’s okay to take a break…to ask for help….to take the “super cape” off for a while. Allow others to minister to your soul. Refill the cup of your spirit until there is once more…an overflow and abundance to give to others! That is where I am. I am allowing others to fill my cup again…. That is what has taken me this long…to be able to put the words….with the pictures.

Love you friends…and I pray you release your burdens to Him who loves you so….and know I will pray for you as well…that He will guide the perfect one to you…to help you refill your cup…so we can both give out of overflow and abundance again! 

~c

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Lessons from an Empty House….

Posted in Uncategorized on March 4, 2016| Leave a Comment »

I work in the Real Estate industry. I sell new homes. I see possibilities in our new homes for families all the time! I walk into empty houses every single day. But I’ve never heard from God in an empty house until just a few days ago….when I walked into my own.

The last 4 weeks have been a whirlwind. Losing Gramma….closing on the new house….moving day was a disaster!!….and add to all of it…the 19th anniversary of losing my boys! Mix it in with trying to live a somewhat….normal life…you know, everyday stuff like work, kids and family!!!  To say crazy is my life is normal..this was over the top crazy though!

This past weekend my husband took advantage of the good weather and finished moving everything out of our garage, shed and attic over to the new place. **side note** It is utterly amazing to me how much crapola we’ve accumulated in the past 15 years!! 😉 I’m not sure if having 3 weeks to move everything hurt us or helped us. It seemed never ending…but it is done.

Well…after his busy weekend…my busy began Monday. I put aside the whole day to go to the “old” house and clean it! (I mean, I couldn’t let people know just how badly I’d let my house go after it sold!) So I pull into the garage….and it was empty. No biggie…I expected that. Then I walked into the house. The kitchen first. There were still things on the counters ( my sweet love left paper towels and cleaning supplies for me to use!). Then I just walked through….one room at a time. The living room…hall…kids’ rooms…then my room…my bathroom…my closet. By the time I reached the back of the house and saw my closet….it started…full.on.bawling. I mean, the ugly cry. I sat on the side of the bathtub and just…cried. I couldn’t stop it. My mind LITERALLY was saying, “Just cancel it…just cancel everything. This is my house. I want this whole process to stop!”. 

And then after my cleaning day…we went back, my husband and I…one last time. It was clean…it was beautiful…it’s the house I made a home…and I couldn’t do it. I left him inside and went and sat in the car alone. I cried again. And then again later that night…cried some more.

I brought my baby girl home in that house. I kissed boo-boos and made cookies for my babies in that house. I fought for my marriage in that house! Dreams were made in that house. Friends and family were in that house. It represented the largest amount of time in any part of my life I’ve lived in one place. 15+ years….I was in this house!!

But then…during my prayer time…and seeing the young couple who was buying this house be so excited and almost “giddy” about moving into “my” house…God spoke to me.

He shared with me how we hold on to what is comfortable. We resist change…no matter how good it may be for us! How many times…when He has a huge blessing for us…are we so wrapped up in where we’ve been and how comfortable it is….to allow ourself to feel a little momentary pain of learning something new…and open ourself up to His blessings??!!

He shared with me how…even in the emptiness…I was so caught up in looking backwards….instead of looking forward into where He wants to take me! For a moment…I was prepared to abandon His future blessings…even in the emptiness…for the comfort of something I’d HAD……!!

He shared with me….how we need to remain forward thinking…not backwards looking…in so many parts of our lives. Then…He completely sealed this thought when a friend shared that when she was being raised…her parents wanted to make sure you remembered your sins…so you wouldn’t repeat them. But as an adult…she was realizing it actually HURT her instead. Because… as she constantly remembered the sin…even though she knew she’d been forgiven…it kept her in a place of also remembering her guilt…her not feeling good enough…and the negative feelings the enemy uses against us! So in LOOKING BACK…she was attacked…and not walking in the fullness of HIS GRACE!! 

Friends…I know so many of you have walked through some tough roads…but they are in your past. I know some of you are walking through some tough times right now…but keep your eyes focused on what’s in front of you! Just like I told a friend today….the bigger the blessings God has planned for you…the bigger the attack the enemy will have on you! DON’T get comfortable!! Even in the uncomfortable emptiness…I was tempted to look back..instead of forward! I spent so much time in the past thoughts…I wasn’t trusting HIM with my future! 

It’s hard….especially…when there are parts of my past that haven’t followed me into my future. My boys…my mom…my grandparents…friends…. I know it’s hard. I walk into my new home…and the thoughts can overwhelm me that it is another “new” part of my life they will never get to experience or be a part of. It hurts. I’m not gonna lie. I feel robbed of the opportunity to share this part of my life with them…. So I want to go back. I keep…looking….back.

But God says….look at what you have now! Think of how proud they would be of me….think of them smiling at my new accomplishments! Change my thought process…to think…instead of how many days and how many events I’ve lived without them here…at how many events and days I am closer to being with them in eternity! Change your thoughts….it’s all up to me…and you. It’s some of that “power within” I keep trying to tell you about! It’s about making the choice…to trust Him…with my future. To believe in what He has in store for me…that it truly is better than anything I could think or imagine. 

There is only one constant in this life….and that is the unfailing love of God…and the sacrifice of His son.   “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 This is the ONLY place…where looking back or looking forward…won’t look any different. It doesn’t matter what your yesterdays look like..not to God. He already knows. It doesn’t matter what your tomorrow looks like….not to God. He already knows that as well. His love never changes. His mercy never ends. His grace is abundant. Let yourself KNOW that… Let yourself know…and believe…that your tomorrows…are always better than that empty house…ever could be!!! Oh wait…that one was just for me!!! 🙂

So thankful for the new house….the new memories yet to be made…the giggles of teenage girls…the laughter of teenage boys….the planning of graduation parties…weddings…grandkids!! This house might just hold the times Bryan and I are empty-nesters….and we start to enjoy “just us” time again!! I choose to praise HIM for the uncomfortable times we are experiencing….knowing He’s got this. He knows…He cares…His plans are greater!!!

No…I don’t have tons of pictures of the old house while it was empty. That is for my mind’s eye only…and…I don’t have a pic of the new house yet either….it’s A MESS!! So…use your imagination!! 

And the next time you’re tempted to stay where it is comfortable….even if it also feels empty…remember this lesson. Remember that the discomfort of change…might just lead you to something better than you could ever imagine! God’s got this!! God….has YOU…dear friend! 

Love ya! ~c

  

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19 YEARS!! 

Posted in Memories....., Uncategorized, tagged , , , on February 22, 2016| 4 Comments »

To say today is tough..well..it would be a gross understatement. 

I could never have imagined being here. I could never have imagined living 19 years of my life without 3 of my children! But God knew…..

Remember when I posted about my 28 day journey?..well..today isn’t even day 28…that would be the day of the funeral. I really thought I’d be blogging and walking down a path of remembering…but God knew different. 

In the past 3 weeks my life hasn’t been anything I thought it would. But why does that surprise me? My grandmother unexpectedly went into the ER…and they were actually going to release her…but then her primary doc said to keep her for observation. Six days later…she left this earthly life and went to be with all her loved ones who had left before her! She was ready. But we weren’t. 

Then we were also moving..but it hasn’t gone smoothly…not like I thought. It’s a blessing…this new home…for my family. And I feel a lot of wonderful “new beginnings” here in this place… But quite frankly..it’s hard to start in another place…when so many in my family will never see or be a part of it.

If I think about it…the last 19 years hasn’t been anything I thought it would. I thought I’d get to watch 3 wonderful boys grow up…experience their teens…grow into wonderful men…have families…so much. But I didn’t get what I thought would happen…but once again…I’m reminded.. God knew.

As I awoke this morning my phone was already buzzing and beeping with sweet messages of encouragement and remembrances. Friendships I’m thankful for that help to carry me through. But my morning time with God looked a little different this morning. I usually wake up and thank Him and praise Him for new days…new blessings. But this morning…today…as I acknowledged the newness of today…it also meant I had to thank Him for what today was…what it represented in my life… And to be brutally honest.. I HATE that! To acknewledge His goodness today…means it is good that it is the anniversary of my son’s deaths! It has taken me a long time to be able to do just that…

In my hurt and my emotions I want to cry out…

It’s been 19 years since my sons were murdered! It’s been 19 years since they took their last breath on this earth! It’s been 19 years since I’ve heard their sweet voices and laughter! It’s been 19 years since I’ve been able to put my arms around them and hold them…or hug their necks! I was robbed of their life…of getting to see them grow…that is what happened 19 years ago!!

but what God gently reminds me…is this…

It’s also been 19 years since Jesus walked with them…hand in hand..introducing them into the Kingdom of God. It’s been 19 years since their pain stopped…no more tears…no more pain! 

  
It’s been 19 years since they began true and total worship..among angels and saints..of the one true God! It’s been 19 years since God started carrying me…in my grief and pain..into His path.

For me…it’s been 19 years! Some of it…has been brutal torture on this momma’s heart. 

For them…it’s been less than a blink of an eye in their eternity of glory! 

For my momma’s heart…God has been good. He has blessed me with two more beautiful children. Each of them has placed their trust in Him..so I KNOW our eternities will last forever…together! My heart has hurt…and aches…for there are places in my heart nobody can touch…not even my two kids now.  3 hold..for 3 boys…It is a place my heart holds for them and only them. 

On days like today…I let myself go to those places in my heart that are only theirs. 3 holes…from 3 boys. I let myself remember, feel the happy and sad…the pain and the tears…the hurt and the anguish. But during these days…God always replaces it with truth…..and that truth is that He truly does have a plan for me. Jer. 29:11. And that HE truly does use everything for good. Rom. 8:28. 

He reminds me of my favorite verse… Hab. 1:5. For if He had told me….19 years ago and a day…what was getting ready to happen…what He would ask me to walk through…what HE would carry me through…and that 19 years later I would praise Him…and give thanks for this day…I would have NEVER believed it! 

But what I’ve come to learn and trust is ……. He knows…

Music has ministered to my heart in so many ways…this is by Jeremy Camp.

“He Knows”

All the bitter weary ways

Endless striving day by day

You barely have the strength to pray

In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been

How deep the pain within

Wounds that no one else has seen

Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you’re standing in between

And all the weight that brings you to your knees

He knows

He knows

Every hurt and every sting

He has walked the suffering

He knows

He knows

Let your burdens come undone

Lift your eyes up to the one

Who knows

He knows

He knows

We may faint and we may sink

Feel the pain and near the brink

But the dark begins to shrink

When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between

one by one are starting to break free.

Every time you feel forsaken

Every time that you feel alone

He is near to the brokenhearted

Every tear

He knows

He knows

Thank you for walking this journey with me..with my family. To watch my children now..how they love..how they remember…I know I am blessed! I hurt…but I will be okay. My heart aches…but those places will continue to heal. I know…beyond a shadow of a doubt..that I will see my children again..spend my eternity with them and all my loved ones…and for that…today…I am thankful!

Much love! ~c

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Day 6….Beginnings…and Endings…

Posted in Uncategorized on February 3, 2016| 3 Comments »

I don’t even know where to begin. I thought…this month of posts would be reflections and healing…but once again…

Man plans…God laughs.

When I posted last week about Day 1 of this 28 day journey..I was speaking of the beginning (the divorce finalizing) to the the end (the day of the funeral) of where my mind wanders during this time. But what has happened…is so much since that post.

It has been obvious to me that God doesn’t want me to be so focused on the “then” of my journey. Not only do I realize…the days after the divorce being final… I truly don’t have vivid memories of exactly what we did or specific happenings for a while…but it has shown me I need to be present in the moments I am living now….that maybe I wasn’t fully present then…and I SHOULD be! ALWAYS!

So let me start with my Saturday night (Day 2)….I went to church…I was sitting between my son and daughter. My husband was on the other side of my son. We were all worshiping together. Now…when I say that…I don’t mean to say we were all sitting there listening to the music…I mean…we were all standing…with eyes closed…hands held high…WORSHIPING the risen LORD!! It was one of the most awesome moments of my life! I realized had I decided to stay in my past…to not allow myself the choice of moving on….trusting…loving…having another family…I would never have had this awesome experience! He showed me I belong in the now……not in the what was.

Then on Monday morning (Day 4) I went to the adoption finalization of one of my best friend’s baby! I got to stand in the courtroom  and watch them vow to love her…good or bad….and allow her to break their heart later on…and fully commit to her! NEW BEGINNINGS! It was an awesome moment to be a part of! What a blessing!! But I also listened to another sweet friend share her feelings and experience this way (she is the adoptive mom of 2!)….it’s a bittersweet wonder…kind of like the feeling of a heart-transplant recipient. In order for there to be such joy and blessing…something bad…something hard…had to happen first. A terrible ending. What a picture. Sometimes endings can orchestrate new and wonderful beginnings.. But sometimes…we who are experiencing the ending…don’t always see the glory of the new beginning.

Then…as I was at the courthouse…my grandmother was being taken to the ER. We had received a call she was not eating and her oxygen was low. She needed to be seen. I met them in her ER room and waited with her, my dad and stepmom. While we waited….she was her usual spunky self. She sang “Hey look me over” by Louis Armstrong. I sang with her! But she sang it three times! We laughed. They almost sent her home…but after consulting with her Dr….they admitted her. 

Did I mention it was also my wonderful husband’s birthday? It was. He is! (Wonderful, that is!) and I’m blessed! I have a whole blog on that…and him…but it will have to be later.

I came back to the hospital after dinner with family Monday night…it seemed Gramma had gotten a bit worse. Not doing quite as well..but still her usual self. 

Yesterday, Tuesday (Day 5) I came back to the hospital. It was after lunch. She wasn’t quite herself but still talking and asking questions. I stayed a while. Dad and I talked and she was definitely not doing as well as she had been the night before. My sister came in town, and we went back up to the hospital. It seemed in just a few short hours..she had gotten worse. We were now having very hard, very real conversations. After my kids and hubs came in we had asked them to go in the other room. We discussed with Gramma what her wishes were. It was such a difficult time and I can’t yet bring myself to tell you about it… But we now know what she wants..and doesn’t want. We told her we loved her and would respect her wishes. HARD.

Today, (Day 6) I tried to go to work. I was there less than 2 hours and then back here at the hospital. Since I’ve been here…she hasn’t opened her eyes or responded to me. I sit here….holding her hand anyway. We have family flying in from far away to be here to say their goodbyes. She has gone from singing with me just two short days ago…to laying in this hospital bed…breathing with the assistance of oxygen. Struggling. 

I am sitting here in her dark room with her. I cannot fully express my emotions. I have realized just how much God wants me to be present in the here and now of my life. I realize He is with me…in all of this I am walking through. I am realizing, yet again, of how fragile life truly is. I am seeing…very clearly…beginnings and endings…and even some of the “in-between”. But I am confident..HE has orchestrated them all! It is hard for me to express the peace I have right now. Yes…there is A LOT going on! Yes…I’m worn and frazzled! Yes…I’m supposed to close on a new house on Monday. But that is Monday…and it will all work out!

For now….I am here. I honestly have had to count back…to be able to know which day of my journey I am on. I don’t think it is truly fair to say it is a certain day of my 28 day journey…because it is truly just part of the day to day journey of my life! We are each on a journey. Some of you…might be on part of an ending…some on part of a beginning….some…in the “in-between”.

Or…some of you might be like me…and be smack-dab in the middle of all three! 

I say…embrace it all! Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. But do it…knowing you are not the one orchestrating it all! You are not the conductor of how your life is playing out! Yes…you are a very important instrument…but without Him…it would be just a mess. 

Believe me…I’ve been there. I’ve been a mess. Now…I’m just trying to be an instrument and be part of His message. I’m trying to be present in the now. Learning from my before…and looking forward, with hope….to my going -to-be!

Tonight…this is my present.

  
Today, this sweet lady turns 94! So…Happy Birthday Gramma…this ones for you!

Hey Look Me Over

Louis Armstrong

Hey look me over

Lend me an ear

Fresh out of clover

Mortgage up to here

But don’t pass the plate folks

Don’t pass the cup

I figure whenever you’re down and out

The only way is up

And I’ll be up like a rose bud

High on the vine

Don’t thumb your nose

But take a tip from mine

I’m a little bit short of the elbow room

But let me get me some

And look out world

Here I come

Yes, hey look me over

Lend me an ear

Fresh out of clover

Mortgage up to here

But don’t pass the plate folks

Don’t pass the cup

I figure whenever you’re down and out

The only way is up

And I’ll be up like a rose bud

High on the vine

Don’t thumb your nose

But take a tip from mine

I’m a little bit short of the elbow room

But let me get me some

And look out, world

Here, I, come…

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A 28 day journey…the struggle is real!

Posted in Uncategorized on January 30, 2016| 1 Comment »

Yesterday…..I shared with a friend something deep within my heart…something I don’t usually share with anyone. God keeps prodding me…I haven’t posted in a while…but there has been so much in my heart..in my mind. So please bare with me….for here is where I will purge my heart. Here is where I’ll share some real…some raw….some healed…parts of me. 

Yesterday…was Day 1. 

Day 1 in a 28 day journey my head..and heart…go on…every year. 

You see….yesterday was the anniversary of something I don’t celebrate. It’s an anniversary…of sorts. It’s the beginning of a journey…I thought I knew about…but little did I know…I knew nothing. 

Yesterday…is the day…19 years ago…my divorce was finalized.

To some…it would mean a day of freedom.

To some…it’s a day of relief..and release. 

To me…then…I don’t know what I thought it would be. Maybe…new beginnings…time for me…time to take care of my boys…and “start fresh”.

Wow…little did I know…it was going to be a journey…towards..literally…starting over.

This is a time in my life…I thought I knew God. I thought I had learned about Him and who He was. Looking back…I had no clue…how He was going to carry me…how He literally was going to be the only thing I felt like I had left. I had a “knowledge” of God…but not a true, daily relationship with Him. 

Day 1….I went to to the courthouse…alone. I met my attorney there and we walked into the judges chambers. It wasn’t even in the courtroom. It was in her office. She asked questions..I don’t remember what they were. I guess I answered them properly…because she put some papers in front of me to sign…spun them around towards her…signed them herself…and handed them to my attorney. She looked at me and said, “Congratulations, you’re officially divorced.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know then….how my life was getting ready to change.

I thought the struggle was going to be how to survive….as a single momma. Financially….socially…mentally…I thought that was going to be my biggest struggle. 

I got in my car. I remember feeling foggy..but happy. Happy that part was behind me. I remember pulling out of the courthouse and turning onto Porter Avenue. Funny…don’t you think? That is now my last name…and now I work in the very town this took place in… I went from it being such a foreign place…to it is now one of my “comfort zones”. 

Looking back…I see so much of the path God laid for me. Looking back…I see His hand at work…in every little detail. Looking back…my heart hurts…at thinking I was in charge of my life…only to be taught it is His life I live…and He orchestrates my steps…not me! 

Today I remember…the first days of my 28 day journey….the journey that would change the trajectory of my life…more than I could have ever imagined. I remember…because it hurts so badly.. I remember…because it reminds me of my healing….I remember…because it is part of me…this journey. I remember because…just like we read the bible over and over….each time you read it…remember it…feel it…it hits you differently. It never goes away…this feeling I feel when I remember…but instead…it changes. Not just the feelings…but me. It changes me. It has changed me…It will continue to change me.

But…

This 28 day journey…it doesn’t DEFINE me. 

It isn’t who I am. 

It is just part of my story.

Part of my journey…

I invite you to come along…I’m going to share a lot….of this journey.

What’s interesting this time…is we are getting ready to move! During the remembrance of these 28 days…I’ll be packing. I’ll be going through things I haven’t seen in years. I’ll be going through, touching things…I’ve put away. I know God has it all coinciding for a reason. I’m not really sure what that reason is….or what I’m supposed to learn..or feel..during this journey…but I’ll share. I’ll be real…and raw.

I appreciate your prayers. He is doing a work in me that is more than I’ve seen in quite some time. I’m praying for you as well. He is calling me…to lean into Him…and as I do….I go to Him boldly…for you! 

It’s dangerous…to be bold with the Creator of the Universe! It’s a dangerous place…to invite Him in…especially for me…during this 28 day journey. I’m anxious to see Him through this. I’m expecting Him to show up..for me…as well as you!

Just as yesterday…19 years ago…for me was an ending..of sorts. But with every ending..is a beginning. Or at least…a transition time. Even death…isn’t an end… It’s the beginning of eternity. For me…something I look forward to…more now than I ever thought. 

I’m not where I thought I’d be…but I’m definitely where God knew I’d be. I trust him.

“Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1

This is the image my friend sent me yesterday…it sums up so much…

  
 
Thank you…from the bottom of my heart…for being a part of my journey. I am blessed by you all! ~c

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Today is my Caby-baby’s BIRTHDAY!!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 13, 2015| 4 Comments »

27 years ago God gave me the gift of a beautiful baby boy! I named him Caleb Harrison!

  
Today though, my heart hurts….actually physically aches….beyond words!

How do you celebrate the 27th birthday of a man you never knew??? How….do you begin to fathom this child…as a man…when he only lived 8 short years???

This morning I laid and held pictures of him…and just cried….and cried…..and tears just seem to keep coming….all day so far.

Is it okay to still feel this way??? After so long…..??? Can it really hurt this bad…so many years later??

YES!! YES…it is perfectly okay! I will be 90 and still crying on this day and many others! A piece of my heart is missing and I won’t be whole again until I’m with ALL my children for eternity! Grief doesn’t just stop…after so many years. It is a lifelong process. There is no…just getting over it. It never goes away. It always hurts. But days like these…it comes to the surface and is raw…and real…and it just hurts!

So please…for me…..and for my sweet baby’s birthday….

When your child is being a little too annoying….smile and take this moment in…..and remember those of us who wish we could have one more annoying moment with our child!

  
And when your child comes to you with a silly request…..just do it…. and enjoy it….because there are many of us longing for silly moments with our child again!

  
When your child wants to play and have some fun….and you have “so much to do”….stop and play with him……and remember those of us who would give anything for one more playdate with our child!

  
When your child comes out of their bedroom for “one more hug”….take them into your arms….and hold them tight! Relish in the moment….squeeze their little body and tickle them back to bed! As you do this…say a prayer of thanks for this “interuption” in your bedtime ritual….for there are many of us…who are wishing we had our child here with us to break the rules…just one more time!
  
Today I celebrate this beautiful smile! I thank God for the 8 years I had him with me! I will never forget all you taught me….and will always carry you…tucked safely in my heart! I look forward to our eternity my sweet boy! LOVE you….always and forever my sweet punkin! ~momma

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My son turned 16! The truth about “doing it…scared!”

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on September 24, 2015| 1 Comment »

It happened. 

Yesterday, my son turned 16! It’s such an exciting time of life! A time of found freedom, of new independence! It’s a huge milestone…one that I’ve never experienced with one of my children before! 

To say I’m proud of my son…..would be a huge understatement! He is such a great kiddo….hard worker….and has the sweetest heart! He shares stories with me of what he thinks and small things he does that makes my heart melt. I would share all…but he would probably hurt me. 😉

Many people think this is a hard one for me because it means he is growing up….getting older…..all those  “normal” things and emotions most parents feel. But to be really honest…..and I’ll admit….I’ve only been honest about this with VERY FEW….. that isn’t at all what I’ve been feeling in the months…weeks….leading up to this monumetous day!

You see…..I’m SO proud of this young man. I’m proud to be his mom. I’m thankful God gave him to me! I have loved watching him grow up! I truly enjoy our talks and the times we laugh and can talk in ways we couldn’t when he was younger! I am great with him….growing up and getting older! It’s something I never got to see in his brothers…..and it is truly a miracle to watch him go through so many stages and ages and I really just love it all! He is so grounded. He is involved in the youth….he is making great choices and very goal oriented in school and in life!! He has made a plan and is working his plan…and I’m just honored to watch all of this process.

But to be honest….and I mean…TOTAL TRANSPARENCY HERE…..I’ve been struggling. 

My struggle isn’t with him…..but rather…with God.

Let me see if I can adequately put into words the wrestling match God and I have been engaged in…..

In the endeavor of looking for a car for Bryce….it started to get more real to me. It became very real that there was coming a day in the near future that I would hand him the keys to this new car….and he would drive off……without me!!!  I don’t think it hit me….until this realization came fully into my brain….just how much that scared me!!!!! It was almost….paralyzing at times. And at the same time…it hit me…..

I was truly wrestling with God. Somewhere in my brain….I had gotten this illusion that I was able to protect my baby boy. I had become so accustomed to this illusion…that I felt like handing him those keys and letting him drive away without me….was giving up the control….of being able to protect him. In this very moment….I began praying….and crying….and screaming at God. 

For you see…..whew…..vulnerable here…….

In this illusion…..of control….of being able to protect my children….I had somehow lost my faith. I lost my faith in my God whom I say I trust!!!  In my God whom I say knows ALL things! In my God….whom I know…has plans to prosper and give hope!!…. not just to me…but to my children!

In this struggle with my faith……I cried out to God…”Okay God….I give him back to you!! He has always been yours anyway! But God please…..with this illusion I’ve created…I’ve not felt scared! And I realize….if I let him out into this big, broken world…… I could lose him….and I just can’t lose another child!!!!!!!” 

Yes, the reality hit me…and I knew my struggle was my fear manifesting itself of not being in control to protect my son. I wasn’t there to protect his brothers….and look what happened!!!! I have felt….without even realizing it….I was here and so present in his life…that somehow I had taken on the roll of his protector…and that…took away my faith…in GOD as his protector!!

I’ve been wrestling…and crying out to God since that day over a month ago. I’ve shared with my closest circle and they’ve encouraged me so much!! One told me she was proud because I was….”DOING IT SCARED!” because I was still looking for a car…. I was still going to give it to him….even though I was scared and wrestling……I was doing it anyway and in that I was trusting GOD!!!!

So, yesterday….it happened….he turned sixteen!! 

  
And last night we did it…..we surprised him with a car!!

  
Then this morning….he drove away…to school….by himself!
  He called to tell me he made it when he got there… 😉

My husband called to see if I was okay with everything…. I told him I had to be.

No….I haven’t just let him go out on his own into this world……alone.

I’ve sent him into this world…..with GOD…..and an army of angels!!!!

This morning I woke up and watched him drive away. Yes….tears streamed down my face as he drove off. But my heart wasn’t (as) scared as it was before. Because this morning…I knew….God is on my side. God is by Bryce’s side. And I was reminded…He was also by his brother’s sides…. 

My feelings had gotten the best of me….and again I’m reminded…..FEELINGS LIE!!

The truth is what is important!! And I know this. I’m so thankful for a Heavenly Father that loves me even when I wrestle with Him. I’m thankful He doesn’t get angry when I take (even unknowingly) control! I’m thankful He is gentle as He brings me back towards the truth! 

My comma….is just a small part. The book has already been written. I KNOW who wins! I know the battles I face may seem big to me….so they are big to Him! I know there are battles I can’t even see being fought on my behalf…and on behalf of my family! I know….for my part….I just have to raise my son to be the warrior for Christ God calls him to be….and trust God to do His part. For He has promised me He will. He has promised me He will watch over us. He has given me….a glimpse into the end of the story. 

I also know…and see…God has such a huge plan for Bryce’s life! I see such a huge purpose for him and it has NOTHING….to do with me! So….I’ve got to get out of the way and LET GOD….do His thing! 

So, please pray for me….for being able to release my son back into the hands of the one who created Him…into the hands of the ONE….who holds his future! I’m SO EXCITED to see Bryce grow into the man God intends him to become! I’m so humbled God gave him…….to me!!! I’m so thankful….to be given this rainbow…and to watch it grow!

Father, thank you for sixteen years (and a day) with this sweet boy! You’ve been so gracious to give him health, a sound mind, a wonderful heart….and I know…you have such great plans for him! May your angels continue to battle for him! May they watch over for him and fight for him…..all while encouraging him to become your warrior! May he step through the doors only YOU open…and walk the path you’ve put before him! Help guide us, as his parents, to point him towards you. For we know…if He only chases after You….everything else will work for YOUR good!! Thank you…from the bottom of my heart….for trusting me with another child. Thank you….for sharing this gift….with me and the world. I, in turn, trust you WHOLLY with his life! 

Amen…..

Happy Birthday Bryce!! You are loved….with an army of angels! And a mom and dad…who stand ready to fight the world on your behalf! Love you more than you could ever dream or imagine! ~mom

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Joy & Sadness…Birthdays & Funerals…Tears & Smiles

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , on September 3, 2015| Leave a Comment »

I can’t put into words the emotions going through my heart right now. God has literally broken me…in so many ways recently. I am watching as the world around me is hurting…people close to me are hurting…and I feel so helpless. All I can do is pray. 

I know….there is hope in every situation. I know..there is hope…in a God who loves us and works ALL things for good according to HIS purpose! But…I also know….that when you are walking through the big, fat mess of life…sometimes…you just don’t want to hear it will all be okay. You just want someone to let you hurt…for a season…. but I know…that seasons change. 

Today….would be my sweet son Cory’s 29th birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORY MATTHEW!!!  I love you more than I can ever express with simple words! I miss that sweet face of yours….those cheeks…that honery grin…..that smile.. It has been so long….so long since I’ve been able to hug you….or hear your sweet voice. I long to watch you sing….and act silly….and feel your feet slide across the bed to be sure I’m still next to you!! I remember holding you….as a baby…and even as a 4th grader! You were never too big for my lap! You were a sparkplug…giving others your energy and sweet spirit. You loved deeply….you were a great friend to others….and you were always smiling!! I miss you…and can’t imagine you at this age. I celebrate you today! I celebrate the life you lived! The ten years on this earth…that gave me so much joy! I thank you for those memories! So grateful to have them….so I can go to those places in my heart…that only you and I shared…until I meet you again! I can’t wait to see you singing in the choir of angels….praising God with your voice…..and be with you for all eternity! That is where I place my hope….and I’m so thankful for our shared eternity!

  
Three weeks from today…Bryce will be 16!! Yes….16!! As I was sharing with my sister earlier…..even though his brothers would be much older…this is my first experience with it. Seems so much younger…but since it’s my first time…well…it’s just weird! She told me that was a great word for it! Yup…..weird! Like I say…where my two worlds collide!

In the past week…I’ve been to two funerals. 

The first….someone who was only 30 years young! He was in a single car accident…killed instantly. Took his son to his first day of kindergarten that very morning…but never came home! He was so loved…it was evident. But my heart breaks for this sweet little boy….and all the family. Please lift them in prayer…

The second, was just two days ago. It was for a sweet young lady…who was eleven. I won’t say she was “only” eleven…because she was diagnosed with a genetic disorder at one…and told she wouldn’t likely make it to her second birthday! Well…she miraculously surpassed everyone’s expectations! Her story is now the one others are pointed to for hope…when diagnosed! God used this sweet girl and family…to minister to others in so many ways! I was impacted by the ministry of her life. And, I’m impacted by the faith of her sweet mom…in more ways than I can express. Please pray for this family as they maneuver through the grief and loss of this sweet girl….yet rejoice in her complete healing and the knowledge of her eternity!!

You see….just last night…as my daughter was drying her hair and getting ready for bed…I received a text. It was her…asking me to come back to my bathroom where she was. I went back there…and found her in a heap of tears. She was sitting on the bath mat and just looked up at me with her big, tear-soaked eyes. I just fell to the floor and took her in my arms! The sobs began again….she stopped for only a moment..and asked me, “Why did they have to go so soon?”.  I held her tightly….because by then…I was sobbing too. I didn’t have an answer. At least, not an answer she was ready for or wanted to hear. You see, in the past 18 years, God has taught me that there is hope…and there are things that happen outside of what we want or understand….but that He will work them for good….and according to HIS purpose! But…we must look for the good! We don’t always see it…not at first. And I’m not saying it is good….what happened to my boys…or the hard things in all our lives. What I am saying…is you have to find the silver linings. The ways God is using your situation. 

After sis and I sat there holding each other and crying for what seemed like forever…we looked at each other. Both of our faces were tear-stained and our eyes were still filled with tears.  I told her I was sorry…I didn’t have the answer to her specific question. She told me….it would be easier if I did! Wow!! I hugged her again. I assured her there were reasons. But we might not ever know or see them…..but through it all…He is strengthening our faith…our trust in Him! She nodded and then cried a little more.

She asked me if she looked like Cory…… My heart skipped a beat. She said someone had told her once he was the one she looked most like. I looked deeply at her features….at her eyes…her chin…her cheekbones…and just smiled. They all look so much alike to me…yet so much like themselves. I can’t compare. Never have been able to. She reminds me of him. She sings….and I think of the times he sang. I think of the performances he had…and the ones she has to come. I think of her sweet nature and caring heart…and I’m reminded of his prayers and heart for others. She smiles….and loves people…and I’m reminded of the way he loved others and included everyone! She is secure in who she is….and I’m reminded of the security he had in Christ…and his faith….so much like hers.

So yes….she looks like him….but mostly…on the inside! Where it counts! 

She knows our eternities will be together…and sometimes it scares me….how badly she wants to be in heaven with them! But for now….I’ll just smile….with a tear creeping down my cheek…as I remember….and look forward…to the assurance I have that I will spend my eternity in heaven with ALL of my children!!!!!!

Such is my life! It is a collision of what would have been and what is….. It is a collision of who I was…and who HE is molding me to be!  

Friends, we all come to a place in life where we have to acknowledge there is a beginning and an ending date of life on this earth. There is a lot of joy…and a lot of pain that happens between……… My question to you…..is this…. Do you have the hope and assurance….that you know without a shadow of a doubt where, and with whom, your eternity will be spent? Don’t think it won’t happen…because it will. And nobody knows how long, or how short, our time on this earth will be. 

The hope I have…in knowing my family will be together again…makes this life so much more bearable!! 

If you aren’t sure….then I urge you to consider this….

We are born with a sin-nature…and for that reason we are separated from God. There is nothing we can do to change that! But, He loves us so much…..He sent His one and only son to die on the cross..taking on all our sins….even though he was without sin…. for us!!! He was resurrected and defeated sin! He wants nothing more…than for you to just accept Him….and his free gift of eternal life with Him! 

I encourage and pray for you…and look forward to eternitiy with all of you!!

Much love…and happy tears! ~c

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How a Triangle Can Teach Us…Simple Lessons from Church Camp!!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on August 1, 2015| Leave a Comment »

This past week my sweet baby girl was at church camp. She returned yesterday! I was fortunate in being able to pick her up from the church when she arrived back home! 

  
Of course, it seemed as if she had grown a FOOT! Even my husband thought so! And there were hugs goodbye to her friends…both new and old…and also to the great adult sponsors who were with her! 

IMMEDIATELY…in the car…she began gushing and talking and telling me how wonderful it was! But one of the most PRECIOUS moments I will ALWAYS remember…is before we were even out of the parking lot… I was driving..and she reached over and grabbed my hand…interlocked her fingers into mine…and looked at me and said, “Oh momma….I’ve missed you soooooooo much!”. WOW…my heart melted. OF COURSE…I had missed her too…but to hear she missed me and was glad to be back and wanted to just hold my hand….well…you can imagine how big my mommy-heart swelled at that moment!!! 

I listened to her tell me about all kinds of things…the games…the fun…the boys…the girls…all of it! I soaked every bit of it into my heart…these moments…this fresh attitude! This is the girl with a heart for God I know and love! (I soaked it in so that when her teenage hormones get to her…they hopefully won’t get the best of ME!) 

She just wanted to go home and sit on her own bed and use her own bathroom!!! Pretty reasonable requests…so I obliged. I took her to her grandparents before I headed back to work for the afternoon. She ran to each of them…and her cousin….and hugged each of their necks! She also slept almost the whole afternoon…so when I saw her again she was refreshed!!

A bit later in the evening…I got to enjoy time with just her in my car on a long ride. She started to open up about what God had done at the camp….in others and in her. My mommy-heart again swelled as I listened to how her heart had been open to him. About what going “ALL IN FOR GOD” meant to her. I listened to what her next steps would be…..and just smiled! Inside and out I was smiling. These are the precious moments I’ll always remember and be thankful for! 

Then….she asked if I had a pen. She grabbed the only one she could find and told me she wanted to get a tattoo!!! And she was drawing on her hand what it would be….. I looked over…and all she had drawn was a triangle. No words. Just a simple triangle. 

I didn’t tell her…But I knew immediately what she was going to tell me…. but I just listened….to her explain it to me..and what it meant to her.

Okay….imagine a triangle ….. and you are at the bottom right corner, your boyfriend is on the bottom left corner…and God is at the top of the Triangle. Now…see the line between you and the boy? That is how far apart you are without you both seeking out God and getting closer to God. But as each of you grow towards God…and seek Him out….you grow closer to each other…because you are closer to GOD. She told me the other bottom corner can be anything….shopping…her phone…or any of her friends! ( and yes…she had to tell me she knows her phone can’t get close to God…but she knows she can put it before God and move away from God and focus more on whatever it is at the bottom edge of the triangle!)

Here is a pic…for those of you like me..who are VISUAL learners!! 

  
I told my sweet girl I loved her explanation. And I’d support a tattoo of a triangle….AFTER she turns 18!!! But I told her the reason I knew about this illustration…is because I used to use this same lesson…when I taught Sunday School to my sophomore girls a LOOOOONG time ago!

She just smiled at me…and I loved this moment too! I have to admit…at first…there was a twang of being sad I wasn’t the one that got to teach this to her first…but then God nudged me and reminded me…HE will place the person in her path when she is ready to hear a lesson…and that person isn’t always going to be me!!! I see that by me being the one to reinforce it though…it made it just that more special in her eyes too!!! I trust you, God….and thank you for knowing better than me!!

As she laid in her bed last night…I prayed over her that this “camp high” would follow her through for a long time! I prayed that her newfound fervor for Christ stay lit in her heart and not wane. I prayed God would allow her to always open up to me and share with me her heart. I thanked Him for all the great moments I’ve had with both my kids in the recent weeks.

I’m loving where my life is right now with my kiddos! They are awesome teenagers and I’m the luckiest mom in the world. To say there is part of my heart that still has a twinge of hurt and wishing I had seen my 3 boys be teenagers…and what wonderful times I would have had with them….doesn’t even begin to express that part of my heart.

I am choosing to know there are moments like this that will always be wonderfully bittersweet…and relish in the what I’ve had…where I’ve come from …..and where I am right now! I love it! ALL of it. And I can honestly say that I wouldn’t….change….a thing!

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Happy Father’s Day!!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 21, 2015| Leave a Comment »

This is to the Dad’s in my life…..

1st) …I have to say thanks to the man who gave me life! 

 This is my dad. Not just my father…but my dad. He is the one who I remember holding me when I wasn’t big enough to see the animals at the zoo over the fence. He is the one who coached the boy’s baseball team…and let me play too! He is the one who was always at every dance recital, every pageant I was ever in….no matter what! He is the one who I watched take care of my mom..in good times and bad…and taught me the meaning of unconditional love. He is the man I am thankful my husband is so much like…. He is my dad…and I love him so much!

He taught me to ride a bike…to swim…and that after you work hard…it’s okay to have fun! 

He is the one I called to help me….on the worst day of my life. He is the one who bore the burden of telling not only all of the members of my family….but me….the worst news ever. He was alone when he found out…but then took it upon himself to take care of each one of us…as he has always done. His strength that day amazes me! He protected me in ways I can’t explain! He designed my C3 necklace charm…and made one for each member of our family.
He is caring beyond comprehension…and I love that I get to call you my dad!!

2nd)…..to the man I love more than life….my sweet husband!

   

This man loves me and is my safe place in this world! He loves my kids and would lay down his own life for theirs! He has a servant heart….and is such a teddy bear! Family is one of the most important things to him…and he is teaching that to my kids! He is a hard worker and would sacrifice anything for these kiddos! He took a chance on me….and is the one I trusted enough in this world to parent with again! He is my love…my light….and my kids are so blessed to have him as their dad!!

He truly cares about people and is an example of being the hands and feet of Christ. His lead….is helping to mold our children into what God intends for them. He only wants the best for them….but also…more than anything…he wants whatever God wants for them! 

I’m blessed beyond words…to call him my husband…and the father of my two blessings.

3rd)…..My 3 boys dad….

As hard as it is for me to admit…..especially on this day….but I am thankful for this man too. 

A friend of mine taught me a very valuable lesson this week. You see….this is always such a hard day for me….. Because I get so mad at myself…..because I CHOSE this person….the one who took the lives of my three children…to be their dad…..

But….what she taught me is this….. I’m not the only one that chose him. You see…..God also chose him to be their father….and God doesn’t make mistakes. So for that…..I’m thankful. Because those three boys….are some of the biggest blessings in my life…and without him…I would not have had them. 

 

4th)….and last….but really more like always…..is my Heavenly Father.

  
You see…..I’ve always know He was with me. I don’t know how to explain it…but I’ve just always felt like He was with me. But it hasn’t been until the last part of my life I have truly understood so much about Him and the love He has for me.

He is the creator of the Universe…but He knows me and loves me! He is the beginning and the end…but He allows me to be used as a comma on this journey of my life! He is always there for me….as I walk through every obstacle. Being a parent…I understand more of the way He loves us! He is love….and loves us…ME….so much! But as a parent….I also understand now…the sorrow He must feel as we choose to love other things more than Him… How his heart hurts when He wants and plans so much good for us and our lives…but we choose to do things outside of His will. I love how He will take our brokenness and use it for so much good! I love how He comforts us…..and never leaves us….or forsakes us!

I am so thankful I am able to crawl into the lap of my loving Heavenly Father and allow Him to wrap His arms around me…and He lets me cry…be sad….be mad…and has patience, mercy and grace for me! I am thankful for the promise of eternity….for that means I will not only be there…in your Holy presence…but I also have assurance I will be with the ones I’ve loved most on this earth…for all eternity!

On this Father’s Day….I am so blessed…and so thankful…for the ones who have loved me and mine so much. I am thankful….to have had the best grandfathers a girl could ask for! One to teach me about life and gardening…and another to teach me about fun and love! My heart is full! My life is blessed! And I have so many to thank!

Today… I honor these fathers. For their contributions to my life……are what has made me who I am!

Be blessed today…..be thankful for where you’ve been….and where you are going!    ~c

   

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