Yesterday…..I shared with a friend something deep within my heart…something I don’t usually share with anyone. God keeps prodding me…I haven’t posted in a while…but there has been so much in my heart..in my mind. So please bare with me….for here is where I will purge my heart. Here is where I’ll share some real…some raw….some healed…parts of me.
Yesterday…was Day 1.
Day 1 in a 28 day journey my head..and heart…go on…every year.
You see….yesterday was the anniversary of something I don’t celebrate. It’s an anniversary…of sorts. It’s the beginning of a journey…I thought I knew about…but little did I know…I knew nothing.
Yesterday…is the day…19 years ago…my divorce was finalized.
To some…it would mean a day of freedom.
To some…it’s a day of relief..and release.
To me…then…I don’t know what I thought it would be. Maybe…new beginnings…time for me…time to take care of my boys…and “start fresh”.
Wow…little did I know…it was going to be a journey…towards..literally…starting over.
This is a time in my life…I thought I knew God. I thought I had learned about Him and who He was. Looking back…I had no clue…how He was going to carry me…how He literally was going to be the only thing I felt like I had left. I had a “knowledge” of God…but not a true, daily relationship with Him.
Day 1….I went to to the courthouse…alone. I met my attorney there and we walked into the judges chambers. It wasn’t even in the courtroom. It was in her office. She asked questions..I don’t remember what they were. I guess I answered them properly…because she put some papers in front of me to sign…spun them around towards her…signed them herself…and handed them to my attorney. She looked at me and said, “Congratulations, you’re officially divorced.” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know then….how my life was getting ready to change.
I thought the struggle was going to be how to survive….as a single momma. Financially….socially…mentally…I thought that was going to be my biggest struggle.
I got in my car. I remember feeling foggy..but happy. Happy that part was behind me. I remember pulling out of the courthouse and turning onto Porter Avenue. Funny…don’t you think? That is now my last name…and now I work in the very town this took place in… I went from it being such a foreign place…to it is now one of my “comfort zones”.
Looking back…I see so much of the path God laid for me. Looking back…I see His hand at work…in every little detail. Looking back…my heart hurts…at thinking I was in charge of my life…only to be taught it is His life I live…and He orchestrates my steps…not me!
Today I remember…the first days of my 28 day journey….the journey that would change the trajectory of my life…more than I could have ever imagined. I remember…because it hurts so badly.. I remember…because it reminds me of my healing….I remember…because it is part of me…this journey. I remember because…just like we read the bible over and over….each time you read it…remember it…feel it…it hits you differently. It never goes away…this feeling I feel when I remember…but instead…it changes. Not just the feelings…but me. It changes me. It has changed me…It will continue to change me.
But…
This 28 day journey…it doesn’t DEFINE me.
It isn’t who I am.
It is just part of my story.
Part of my journey…
I invite you to come along…I’m going to share a lot….of this journey.
What’s interesting this time…is we are getting ready to move! During the remembrance of these 28 days…I’ll be packing. I’ll be going through things I haven’t seen in years. I’ll be going through, touching things…I’ve put away. I know God has it all coinciding for a reason. I’m not really sure what that reason is….or what I’m supposed to learn..or feel..during this journey…but I’ll share. I’ll be real…and raw.
I appreciate your prayers. He is doing a work in me that is more than I’ve seen in quite some time. I’m praying for you as well. He is calling me…to lean into Him…and as I do….I go to Him boldly…for you!
It’s dangerous…to be bold with the Creator of the Universe! It’s a dangerous place…to invite Him in…especially for me…during this 28 day journey. I’m anxious to see Him through this. I’m expecting Him to show up..for me…as well as you!
Just as yesterday…19 years ago…for me was an ending..of sorts. But with every ending..is a beginning. Or at least…a transition time. Even death…isn’t an end… It’s the beginning of eternity. For me…something I look forward to…more now than I ever thought.
I’m not where I thought I’d be…but I’m definitely where God knew I’d be. I trust him.
“Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” Isaiah 25:1
This is the image my friend sent me yesterday…it sums up so much…
Thank you…from the bottom of my heart…for being a part of my journey. I am blessed by you all! ~c
My Life as a COMMA! 
Cheli you still amaze me. Love you.