My Life as a COMMA!

I don’t even know where to begin. I thought…this month of posts would be reflections and healing…but once again…

Man plans…God laughs.

When I posted last week about Day 1 of this 28 day journey..I was speaking of the beginning (the divorce finalizing) to the the end (the day of the funeral) of where my mind wanders during this time. But what has happened…is so much since that post.

It has been obvious to me that God doesn’t want me to be so focused on the “then” of my journey. Not only do I realize…the days after the divorce being final… I truly don’t have vivid memories of exactly what we did or specific happenings for a while…but it has shown me I need to be present in the moments I am living now….that maybe I wasn’t fully present then…and I SHOULD be! ALWAYS!

So let me start with my Saturday night (Day 2)….I went to church…I was sitting between my son and daughter. My husband was on the other side of my son. We were all worshiping together. Now…when I say that…I don’t mean to say we were all sitting there listening to the music…I mean…we were all standing…with eyes closed…hands held high…WORSHIPING the risen LORD!! It was one of the most awesome moments of my life! I realized had I decided to stay in my past…to not allow myself the choice of moving on….trusting…loving…having another family…I would never have had this awesome experience! He showed me I belong in the now……not in the what was.

Then on Monday morning (Day 4) I went to the adoption finalization of one of my best friend’s baby! I got to stand in the courtroom  and watch them vow to love her…good or bad….and allow her to break their heart later on…and fully commit to her! NEW BEGINNINGS! It was an awesome moment to be a part of! What a blessing!! But I also listened to another sweet friend share her feelings and experience this way (she is the adoptive mom of 2!)….it’s a bittersweet wonder…kind of like the feeling of a heart-transplant recipient. In order for there to be such joy and blessing…something bad…something hard…had to happen first. A terrible ending. What a picture. Sometimes endings can orchestrate new and wonderful beginnings.. But sometimes…we who are experiencing the ending…don’t always see the glory of the new beginning.

Then…as I was at the courthouse…my grandmother was being taken to the ER. We had received a call she was not eating and her oxygen was low. She needed to be seen. I met them in her ER room and waited with her, my dad and stepmom. While we waited….she was her usual spunky self. She sang “Hey look me over” by Louis Armstrong. I sang with her! But she sang it three times! We laughed. They almost sent her home…but after consulting with her Dr….they admitted her. 

Did I mention it was also my wonderful husband’s birthday? It was. He is! (Wonderful, that is!) and I’m blessed! I have a whole blog on that…and him…but it will have to be later.

I came back to the hospital after dinner with family Monday night…it seemed Gramma had gotten a bit worse. Not doing quite as well..but still her usual self. 

Yesterday, Tuesday (Day 5) I came back to the hospital. It was after lunch. She wasn’t quite herself but still talking and asking questions. I stayed a while. Dad and I talked and she was definitely not doing as well as she had been the night before. My sister came in town, and we went back up to the hospital. It seemed in just a few short hours..she had gotten worse. We were now having very hard, very real conversations. After my kids and hubs came in we had asked them to go in the other room. We discussed with Gramma what her wishes were. It was such a difficult time and I can’t yet bring myself to tell you about it… But we now know what she wants..and doesn’t want. We told her we loved her and would respect her wishes. HARD.

Today, (Day 6) I tried to go to work. I was there less than 2 hours and then back here at the hospital. Since I’ve been here…she hasn’t opened her eyes or responded to me. I sit here….holding her hand anyway. We have family flying in from far away to be here to say their goodbyes. She has gone from singing with me just two short days ago…to laying in this hospital bed…breathing with the assistance of oxygen. Struggling. 

I am sitting here in her dark room with her. I cannot fully express my emotions. I have realized just how much God wants me to be present in the here and now of my life. I realize He is with me…in all of this I am walking through. I am realizing, yet again, of how fragile life truly is. I am seeing…very clearly…beginnings and endings…and even some of the “in-between”. But I am confident..HE has orchestrated them all! It is hard for me to express the peace I have right now. Yes…there is A LOT going on! Yes…I’m worn and frazzled! Yes…I’m supposed to close on a new house on Monday. But that is Monday…and it will all work out!

For now….I am here. I honestly have had to count back…to be able to know which day of my journey I am on. I don’t think it is truly fair to say it is a certain day of my 28 day journey…because it is truly just part of the day to day journey of my life! We are each on a journey. Some of you…might be on part of an ending…some on part of a beginning….some…in the “in-between”.

Or…some of you might be like me…and be smack-dab in the middle of all three! 

I say…embrace it all! Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. But do it…knowing you are not the one orchestrating it all! You are not the conductor of how your life is playing out! Yes…you are a very important instrument…but without Him…it would be just a mess. 

Believe me…I’ve been there. I’ve been a mess. Now…I’m just trying to be an instrument and be part of His message. I’m trying to be present in the now. Learning from my before…and looking forward, with hope….to my going -to-be!

Tonight…this is my present.

  
Today, this sweet lady turns 94! So…Happy Birthday Gramma…this ones for you!

Hey Look Me Over

Louis Armstrong

Hey look me over

Lend me an ear

Fresh out of clover

Mortgage up to here

But don’t pass the plate folks

Don’t pass the cup

I figure whenever you’re down and out

The only way is up

And I’ll be up like a rose bud

High on the vine

Don’t thumb your nose

But take a tip from mine

I’m a little bit short of the elbow room

But let me get me some

And look out world

Here I come

Yes, hey look me over

Lend me an ear

Fresh out of clover

Mortgage up to here

But don’t pass the plate folks

Don’t pass the cup

I figure whenever you’re down and out

The only way is up

And I’ll be up like a rose bud

High on the vine

Don’t thumb your nose

But take a tip from mine

I’m a little bit short of the elbow room

But let me get me some

And look out, world

Here, I, come…