My Life as a COMMA!

Okay…so I admit it has been a while..but I have had to give myself permission to rest from parts of life.  But in doing so…God..ever-so-nudgingly…(is that even a word??) has shown me that I need to have this space to vent, to share…and that maybe others need this as well…so here goes 2012!!  If you are one who would like me to post more often…less often or WHATEVER…please leave me a comment!  Let me know what you’d like to see…how often and any topics you’d like to see me write about or share!  I love everyone of you and know that it is through your love and prayers…I have gotten to where I am today!  So……now it’s your turn!  Go………..!

Well…here I sit….it is midnight…and now another birthday is here.  Another birthday without my sweet Caby baby!  On this day…you should be celebrating your 23rd birthday.   Instead…I am here with my laptop….crying..and wishing you were here.

Maybe I should have titled this post, “I WISH”.  Because at times like this there are so many things I wish…for me…and for you.

I wish……I could have seen just how smart you were.  I know how the teachers looked forward to testing you.  You had a way with knowing things that you just shouldn’t know….like what direction we were traveling…when you were only 3!  You just had this wisdom…about so many things…and you absorbed any knowledge given you like a sponge!  I always share when I speak about you ….  how the teachers were so excited to see how you would score…but they never had the opportunity to test you…so I tell everyone…YOU WERE BRILLIANT!

I wish…..I could see how you would have handled life as a teenager.  You were the sweet boy who wasn’t afraid to try anything you wanted….and just didn’t care what others thought.  I’d like to have seen that carry over into your teen years.  I can imagine you as kinda geeky…but still an athlete and continuing with music and choir.  Your knowledge and drive would have probably been misread by some….but to others…I’m sure you would have continued to be the best friend they had!!!

I wish……I had seen where you would have attended college.  What field of study you would have chosen or if it would have been more than one.  I know that you would have found something you loved and that you thought would somehow benefit others……and you would have run with it!

I wish….I could see that smile of yours again.  No matter what was going on around you….you smiled.  You had this way of being so very serious and yet not taking yourself or this world too seriously…all in the same breath!  Your smile would just make my day then….as I am sure it would right now.

I wish….I knew…so many things. …..  If you’d be married…..or engaged.  If you’d tell me you were so busy that you just didn’t have time for a girl!! 🙂  I wonder if you’d live close..or far away. …. but still need your mom for things like….laundry and meals! 🙂  I wonder where you’d be working…or if you’d continue your education and be in school.  I wonder……so much….. 

I wish…..   

But my wishes can’t come true.  My wishes are hopes for a continuation of what I have had….and a merging of that into what I have now.  My wishes are for less pain…..fewer tears.  For my child to hold……  but you would no longer be a child.  You would be a man. 

You will always be my baby.  Although my imagination can’t hardly imagine you as a man…….  my heart will always love you as my child.  Although my God gave you to me for such a short time on this earth…..  my God has also promised me an eternity in His Kingdom with you there! 

Tonight I don’t just wish…for that eternity…..my heart longs for it!  I can’t spend all my time on wishing….. I must continue living….  because for some reason…I have life…..left to live.  I have family and friends…whom I love very much…that are here in this time…..on this earth…for me to love.  It doesn’t mean I don’t love my sweet baby….. it just means I can’t spend the rest of this life wishing for things that I can never have!

Caleb Harrison….you…my sweet….still make me smile.  🙂  You…sweet child….make me want to be a better mom!  You…dear son…… nudge me to be oh so serious….but seriously silly….all in the same breath!  You…..are one of the reasons I will continue to go on……  yet yearn for the eternity of birthdays we will spend together! 

So for now…..I wish you Happy Birthday!  That is my wish….that today….your life be celebrated!  8 years on earth…was enough to change so many!  You changed me……with your first breath!  I love you….forever and always.  Through tears…and happy times….I will forever be your mom….  I wish…..no ….I know…..  you are here with me…  I will be with you…one day….and we will walk, and smile….and wish…no more.

All my love, sweet baby Caby….  ~mommy

Oh my goodness!  I never thought this day would get here……..for so many reasons! 

The first…..because my sweet baby boy has been gone to camp ALL WEEK!!  He left with his entire sixth grade class on Monday and I haven’t seen him or talked to him since!!  I’ll admit…the quiet….was nice for about a night….but I miss that boy like crazy!!!!  Here is his pic from when he left…

My sweet birthday boy!

I find myself again, sitting in front of my computer with tears and smiles……all just trying to figure out how to put in words all that I am feeling today!

Today is my sweet angel’s 25th birthday!  Cory Matthew came into this world at 4:26 pm weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces….and only 18 3/4 inches long.  His was one of my easiest deliveries….and honestly….there were so many things about him that were just that….”easy”. 

Cory came into this world as a HUGE surprise to me.  You see, after having Cody, I was a nursing mother…..and never considered that I could get pregnant again so quickly after having him.  (I guess when you are 17 when you deliver your first child…there are just some things you don’t know yet!)  So in the spring….when I still hadn’t lost all my “baby weight” I honestly didn’t worry about it. I was tired, yes, but I had a little one to run around and take care of…so I thought that was normal.  I was having some “issues” ….you know, maybe heartburn…..but nothing outrageous.  But then, something out of the normal happened.  I began feeling these little …….flutters in my belly.  No………I didn’t think it could be anything…so kinda….didn’t pay attention.  Then, they increased and I just knew.  So, I went and bought a pregnancy test.  Even though I already KNEW what it would say!  And of course I was right…..we were going to have another bundle of joy!!

The best part was going to a new doctor with this pregnancy.  The part on the sheet where you fill out the date of your last period…..Now mind you…this is spring…almost summer of 1986…..and I put August of 1984!!!  I remember the nurse asking if I had mistakenly put the wrong date!  No…it is true…….  I just had a pregnancy and child in between all of that time!  So yes….Got pregnant the FIRST time I ovulated again!!!  Yes people…it happens!

So on September 2, 1986 my sweet baby Cory came into my life.  He was an easy child from the beginning.  He slept and ate and was quiet….  But the one thing I noticed about him very early….is how ANIMATED he was!  Cory was always smiling and singing and his faces…..oh his faces….were so stinkin cute!!  He had this way of tilting his head and making this little grin…that just got to me EVERY time!  Made it very hard to ever get on to him.

See what I mean...? Way too cute!

He was pretty much good at everything!  Sports, school, people, relationships….you name it…he was a natural.  But one thing he truly loved…..was performing!  And he was GOOD!  and had no fear.  After 3rd grade……they were auditioning for a performance that would be done at the Lloyd Noble Center in front of about 2000 people….and he tried out…AND MADE IT!  He was one of a handful that would be on the stage after camp and had a speaking and singing and dancing part!!!  He ate it up!!  He loved being on that stage.

One of my favorite memories and what made me laugh the hardest….is when they were looking for a new kid to be in the Home Alone movies.  Cory said to me, “Mom, if you’ll just get me to the audition…..I know it will be me!  I AM the next Home Alone kid!”.  You know….he believed he could do whatever he put his mind to!

I also remember going to a parent/teacher conference for him one time.  I wasn’t worried….never was.  But at this particular meeting his teacher told me she wished that I could sit behind a one way glass and just watch him.  She told me the way he was with other kids was just the most compassionate thing she had ever seen.  She told me of one time….when they were doing a paper.  She saw him get right to work and she could tell he had grasped all of the new concepts she had just taught.  But she said what he did next…she just sat and watched.  She said he noticed his neighbor having a very difficult time with his paper.  She said she watched Cory put his pencil down…..look at her….and then get up and go to this neighbor’s desk.  She said he very confidently….but not condescendingly…..began to explain the concepts…in a different way…so that his friend could better understand.  He did not share answers…but instead showed caring and shared knowledge.  He did this quietly…..and then sat back down in his chair…picked up his pencil…and finished his own paper. That was my baby. 

That was my boy.  Always thinking of others.  Reaching out.   Sharing love…..and JOY!  His favorite singing group was Point of Grace.  He knew EVERY SINGLE WORD…to every single song!  At night…when we did our family devotional…I would let each of the boys choose something…prayers…scripture…..and I knew my Cory….every time he would choose to listen to a praise song by POG….so we did!  He would sing and praise God in a way that I just loved to watch and be a part of.  I feel such joy in remembering those times…..

Last night I was blessed to hear John Maxwell speak.  Although he said many wonderful things…there is one that stuck with me…because it is a fundamental belief that I share passionately.  He said “We can’t always choose what happens TO us…..but we can choose what happens IN us.” 

How true this is.  I did not choose to spend the last 15 of Cory’s birthdays without him here with me.  I did not choose to have his life end so short…..

What I do choose is to remember the wonderful spirit of my sweet Cory….and his smile…and the way he tilted his head and always made me smile when I saw his smile!  I choose to remember the times when he was in fourth grade that he would sneak out of the room he shared with his younger brother to come and have his momma rock him to sleep and then the struggle I would have trying to carry him to bed!  I choose to remember the times he would sneak into my bed and very gently extend his leg over to my side so that his foot was touching my leg.  I remember him telling me that as long as he could be that close to me, just touch me…he felt safe…and happy.

Oh how I miss that touch….that smile…that boy!!  But inside of me lies the memories…..that can make me smile.  Inside of me….he still holds a part of my heart that will ALWAYS have his name on it…and no one else’s!

So here is to a quarter of a century.  My sweet little man….  I know from the character you had at ten…..the man you would have been today would have made my heart proud.  I smile when I think of you…..  I love the way you loved while you were here on this earth.  I know that your performances with the angels are fantastic! 

Until I see you on heaven’s stage……..all my love!

~momma

As I sit here tonight….holding back the tears….I am praying.  Thanking God for what I have now….as well as what I’ve had in the past. 

Let me try to explain.

This year…this school year that begins tomorrow morning at 8:55 am is going to be one of the most difficult I have had in a very long time………

You see….my babies will begin 3rd and 6th grade in the morning.  That, in itself, can be devastating and exciting all in the same breath!! 

I mean, Bryce a 6th grader!  Ruler of the school!  No longer a baby but one that all the “little kids” can look up to!  And what a kid to look up to!  He is fantabulous!  He is so sweet and I just love that kid’s heart!

And Breanna, my baby girl, in 3rd.  That means she is at the “big end of the hallway”!  Yes, our school has two looooong hallways.  On one side it goes from kindergarten to 3rd grade and the other goes from 4th to 6th grades.  So BOTH of my babies are at the older end of each hallway!  That just isn’t possible!!  Did I mention she is my baby????

So yes, tonight there are many thoughts of “I can’t believe my babies are growing up!” and “Oh my!  Where has the time gone?”  But for me….tonight there are so many other thoughts as well…………….

There is the thought that my oldest child, Cody, went to 6th grade…….but never got to finish…………………  He was 11, as is Bryce, but never turned 12…..which Bryce will do next month. So both of my “oldest” children…..are kind of at the same point.

And…there is the thought that my third child, Caleb, was only 8 when he died…..and that is how old Breanna is.   There is the thought that she is entering the 3rd grade tomorrow….which is something he never got to do.  So, both of my “babies” are kind of at the same point…

And…this means that my oldest and baby now…..by the end of this school year……will be where my oldest and baby then……….never lived to see.  So yes, by the end of the year…at 6th grade graduation….I will be in totally uncharted territory…… and part of that scares me.

You see…….I try very hard not to compare my children.  And I must say that it isn’t difficult……… and I think I do a pretty good job of seeing them each as their own individuals.  But there are times when I see the children I have now…..and what I see will remind me of something their brothers did……or…… like this time……things that they never got the chance to do……

It is these times that not only do I cry sad tears…..but angry tears.  Yes, I have forgiven the senseless act that took their lives so short.  But sometimes….. the anger at all they missed……at all I am missing….is blinding! 

So tonight…..it seemed just like my Heavenly Father to soothe me in His words….through my daughter. 

I consider it absolutely no coincidence that tonight when I picked her up from church and we were talking about class….that she told me what her memory verse for this week is……

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”                   Romans 8:28

Yes…..no coincedence at all that He is gently reminding me that it is all good.  He is working it out and I should leave it in His hands.  I will trust in the good that He can weave out of the mess that is my life.  I love Him and trust Him.

And…I will trust that the words I share with my kids about “It is ok to miss them….” and “They are in heaven with Jesus…..and we will be together one day…and from then until eternity will I have all my children together” are completely true.  Even I have to be reminded of that.  Sometimes I want so badly to hug them…..to experience more of life on this Earth with them….to hear them laugh and see their smiles…to know what they would be doing…..  just….so much that I feel I have missed by not having them here with me.   

So again I am reminded that He is in control.  I am reminded how precious life is.  That we really are not guaranteed a tomorrow.  I am reminded that since I am still here…….there is still MORE!  I am reminded that I still have a purpose for being here and He isn’t finished with me yet. 

And with those reminders…..as sad as I am…….it also makes me so stinkin excited to see…..just what He will do with me ………tomorrow!

If you wake up another day…..praise God and search for what He has you here to do!

Blessings! ~c

I know we are past half way through July….but this is mainly about something that happened to me on the fourth of July. 

My husband and I have done the same thing for the past 13 years…..a tradition of family on the fourth.  We were looking forward to this same tradition this year.  We usually spend the day at my dad’s house and swim in the afternoon and then go to the club and have a picnic and play and watch fireworks with friends and family!  Well, this year we were at dad’s and KABOOM!  Thunder and lightning hit!  We got the kids out of the pool and continued having fun.  But in the course of all this..our picnic time at the Sportsman’s club was cancelled. 

We got word that we were all just going to meet at my brother in-laws instead.  So my friends and some family all went over there.  We ended up in his front yard watching all the kids play.  Some of the neighbors were down and playing.  One of the men there looked familiar to me but I honestly couldn’t place where from.  I have come to realize I have lived enough life that I can’t figure out “which compartment” of my life they come from.  I have stopped trying to decide where or which one……sometimes it is just too hard.

Anyway…..my sister in law called to me and asked me to come across the yard where she was.  As I walked closer I realized she was standing next to the man I thought I had recognized.  She said this man thinks he knows you and you know him.  I looked at him and said, “I thought I recognized your face but just haven’t been able to place where from.  Please forgive me….but do you mind telling me your name?”.  He just looked at me and smiled.  Then he told me his name…….and for a second I thought I would faint.  Immediately when he said his name……I knew EXACTLY who he was.  I knew I could see in his eyes…..the boy that I had known years before. 

You see, this man standing in front of me, was once a boy who had gone to 1st – 6th grade with my sweet, oldest son Cody.  We talked for a bit…..and then I realized this sweet family I had been watching….this husband and wife, and their two beautiful daughters……was once just a young boy…..the same age as my son. 

This reality sunk in very hard for me.  No one could believe it. “No…really?  Would he have been that old?”  “Are you serious?”  “Wow!  You really could be a gramma!”  Those were just a few of the comments I heard when I shared this story with others around. 

Then I went to Bryce.  I told him that if he ever wondered what it would be like if his brother were still here…to look at that young man over there in the blue shirt.  He glanced over his way…and I told him that he had been friends and went to school with his brother Cody.  Bryce just looked over in awe…..he just couldn’t stop looking. 

Well, I had also told this young man about my new family and had pointed them out. I had gone back and sat down watching all the kids play.  Honestly, I was just trying to catch my breath.  The realization of where my son would be…..the fact that he would have a job, have a home, and be married and maybe even have kids! 

Then………..I looked across the lawn……..and saw this………..and my heart melted..

One of the things I am trying to do in my family is to teach them to use their words.  This is a new concept to me…as it wasn’t something I was taught as a child.  It makes sense…when you think about it…and to me, if we did it more…..life would be so much easier.

Before I go further in my explanation….let me first confess…I am NOT a giant at doing this all the time myself.  I am trying….but still a work in progress!  My thinking is that if I try to learn along with my family…it will happen eventually! 😉

The concept of using your words works in two different ways.

1.) Voicing your expectations –   Think about it…..generally, for the most part, if people know what you expect of them, they will try to live up to it.  I’ve found this works on kids as it does adults.  It was explained to me this way… If a kids goes into a restaurant and gets up and down and up and down and up and down…..and then you get onto them…..it isn’t fair.  Don’t twist off on me on this ..yet…  It isn’t fair unless you have first taught them the behavior you expect AND then verbalized your expectations.  Kids are pleasers!  If before you get out of the car you say, “Okay….I have 3 expectations for while we are in the restaurant….1. I expect you to sit in your chair the entire time we are in there.  2. I expect you to use your inside voice while we are in there. and 3. I expect you to have a great time and fill your belly!” then generally the kids will want to please you and do what you “expect” them to do!  You can have them repeat them to be sure they understand just before you go in.  And this makes correcting or refocusing the behavior easier because you can look at them and say, “Oh, did you forget my expectations?” 

It reminds me of the expectations I have at my job.  They “expect” me to sell a certain number every month and they “expect” me to do certain reports weekly.  So in reality we are just preparing them for later parts of life! 

2.) Immediately using words when you are hurt or something is bothering you.  With the kids this is something that started when they were young.  I would have one come and “tattle” on the other.  I would take the “tattler” to the other.  If the offense was “kicking” I would have the tattler say this….”It hurt when you kicked me.  I don’t like it when you do that.  Please don’t kick me any more.”  Then….I would teach the other to apologize.  Not just say I’m sorry.  But instead, “I apologize for kicking you.  Will you please forgive me?”.  This puts the power of whether to accept back into the hands of the one who is hurt.    

When the kids have gotten older…..I don’t get involved.  It is hard for me because I want to know…..but it is between them.  It takes me out of the “tattling” loop.  I still have times when I can tell something is wrong.  I will ask if they have “used their words” and they generally say no.   Then I ask them to go talk it out and they generally come back just fine.

It works with siblings and friends.  I wish they did it on their own all the time….but it does help.  They do feel better and are able to move past it.  This allows for them to release their hurts and not have them build up and then explode!

Now….for me.  Well…..it’s harder.  I’ve lived a lot of life without using my words.  It is hard for me.  I have a lot of deep thoughts and maybe I just think too much!  But after a while….even I feel better when using my words. 

I’ve just recently done this.  It was difficult….but needed.  It is therapeutic.  It is something that gives me hope.  Makes me hopeful that things will be better! I release how I’ve been hurt and what I expect.  But in doing this…I also have to be open to how I’ve hurt another and what their expectations of me are.

The only problem is that it is so hard for people to be “real”.  I mean….if someone looked at you and said, “It hurt my feelings when I found out you were talking bad about me with our friend.  Please don’t do that again.” it might strike someone as weird.  It might even make them defensive.  I mean, it’s hard to be caught in even those “small” things and to own up to it.  Maybe we don’t mean to hurt the other person…but to find out it did makes us defensive. 

I like to tell it like this……  My husband’s FAVORITE meal is chicken fried chicken.  So, say I decide I am going to go to the store on my way home and come home and prepare a meal of his favorites….complete with mashed potatoes and homemade gravy.  I can already imagine him telling me how good it is and how much he appreciates me slaving away to make his favorites!!!  🙂  But instead, on my way home from the store with all his favorites in tow…..I get a call.  His boss just called and has a sick kid and instead of him going to the late night meeting….he needs my husband to go.  So he is on his way BACK to his office and won’t be home for dinner.  Go ahead and eat without him!  He’ll just grab something on the go! 

WELLLLLL!!!!  I go home and toss and throw things and “I can’t believe he…” and slam cabinet doors as I put all HIS favorites in the freezer for who knows HOW long cuz I am NOT going to PLAN another special night for HIM because HE doesn’t even SHOW UP!………………………..then, when he gets home…he gets the silent treatment and I am curt with him…..and he has….NO CLUE WHAT HE DID!!!!!

He just didn’t meet my expectations!  He didn’t even know I had expectations….

So setting expectations…being real….is not a bad thing.  As someone I just talked to said….”Since when is being honest brutal???”.

Just some random thoughts…..  ;-P

Be blessed today! ~cheli

This evening I spent some time on the phone with an old friend.  A little over two weeks ago she tragically and suddenly lost her husband.  He was the love of her life.  She is still going through the deepest of the grief process.  We have had talks about how this part of life sucks.  Pardon my speech….but it does.

Well……….. I have found that after going through all I have gone through I have become a magnet for others to share their own story.  What I have realized is….that we ALL have a story.  I have had so many try to compare their story to mine…they say things like, “I know mine isn’t as big as yours…”  Well, to that I say this.  YOURS is as big as mine. To you, no matter what it is, yours is big.  And the most awesome thing about it is that it is just as big to God as it is to you!  There is so much difficulty in life.  It seems like it is a part of everyone’s life, but nobody really talks about it….

Why is that???  Just the other day my girlfriend and I were talking.  We decided we had pretty good grounds for a lawsuit that could make us millions….or more! 😉

We were going to file a lawsuit against Mattel and Disney… 

Mattel…because Barbie and her life are pretty unrealistic!  Think about it….she always looked good…no matter what she wore.  She had the “Dream House” and a corvette!  She lived a life of luxury.  Not ANYTHING like real life!

and Disney…..because there is always a princess and a prince that whisked her away to a happy ending! 

Where is THAT?? 

We joke…but do we really?  We expect a happy, perfect and easy life.  When troubles hit…it throws us for a loop!  We don’t seem to understand that difficulty is talked about in the bible.  It wouldn’t say to be glad, even if you have a lot of trouble in the book of James if there weren’t going to be troubles in this life!  Yet we go on about our lives never expecting something to happen to us!  We even go so far as trying to shield our kids from difficult times or situations.  Why?  That is a part of life!  A difficult part…..but still a very real part!

Okay…so this brings me back to the subject of death.  Unfortunately, as I’ve said before, death is a part of life.  We can’t all be born and die on the same date.  It just doesn’t work that way.  And we know that all of us will some day do just that…..we will die.  We don’t know when or how…but we do know that we will.  I don’t mean to be sad or morbid or anything like that.  I am just trying to be real. 

Well, in our discussion tonight my friend tells me that she is keeping a journal titled…..The Business of Death.  This definitely piqued my curiosity and I just had to know more.  She said that throughout this process….there are things that no one tells you.  Business-like things that we have to go through when someone dies.  Since we have both done this before….we chuckled at some of it.

First, no one tells you that you need … like….20 death certificates.  Nope.  One will not do.  You actually have to prove to MANY people and entities that your loved one is, in fact, deceased.

Second, when you go to the DPS to get a copy of the accident report for the Accidental Death policy……that there is a charge for this of over $50.  AND…that it has to be paid with check or money order because they don’t accept cash or credit.

Third, that you would have to endure hugs and people telling you how strong you are just for continuing to live.  I only say this because we would rather wear a sign that says, “I am fine and really don’t want you to feel sorry for me.  I just want to be treated normal…although I don’t know what that is now!”.

Really, we just talked a lot about pain.  We talked about how death being part of life just sucks.  It just does.  Sometimes we have time to prepare for it and other times it steals our breath from us because it comes so suddenly.  It hurts….no matter which way you experience it.  I have experienced both…and YUP……it hurts no matter which way it is delivered into your path.

What I do know is that if you are experiencing the grief of death……then you are still here.  And even though you may not realize it or want to know it….you are here for a reason.  One of the things I told myself is that I would continue to live the rest of my life trying to figure out what the reason might be for me still being here.  I also decided that even if I never knew or found out what that specific reason might be….I’ll be okay living and trying to be my best.

Then, I realized…..even hoped….that by the end of my life…..when I enter into the Kingdom of God……  it really won’t matter.  You see…..I am looking for specifics…..very detailed events or reasons…..  All God wants is me.  Me in totality.  Me in my best effort to not just serve Him….but to become a slave to His love and His ways.   And when I enter His courts….all that will matter is not…….why did you leave me here?????  What will matter is that I am with Him…….and He first loved me!

If you are grieving or going through a difficult time….please know that God is there for you.  Know that He is quite big enough for you to be angry with Him and shake your fist at Him.  He is also big enough for you to question if He is really even there at all.  He is there.  There are tiny pieces of silver lining all around you….even when you feel it is too dark to see. 

Even when clouds….dark and nasty looking clouds appear to be all that you can see…..He is above them.   Tonight as we watched storms roll in… the blackest clouds parted so that we could see some blue sky.  To one side we saw blue but on the other we saw very white clouds with beautiful rays of sunshine on them.  If our focus is the darkness and the clouds, then of course it looks as if He is no longer there with us.  In reality, He is there all along……it just takes some time for the clouds to clear to allow our view of Him to become brighter again!

Feel free to comment and let me know how to pray for you.  You have blessed my life…..I’d love to pray for yours!

~cheli