My Life as a COMMA!

As I sit here tonight….holding back the tears….I am praying.  Thanking God for what I have now….as well as what I’ve had in the past. 

Let me try to explain.

This year…this school year that begins tomorrow morning at 8:55 am is going to be one of the most difficult I have had in a very long time………

You see….my babies will begin 3rd and 6th grade in the morning.  That, in itself, can be devastating and exciting all in the same breath!! 

I mean, Bryce a 6th grader!  Ruler of the school!  No longer a baby but one that all the “little kids” can look up to!  And what a kid to look up to!  He is fantabulous!  He is so sweet and I just love that kid’s heart!

And Breanna, my baby girl, in 3rd.  That means she is at the “big end of the hallway”!  Yes, our school has two looooong hallways.  On one side it goes from kindergarten to 3rd grade and the other goes from 4th to 6th grades.  So BOTH of my babies are at the older end of each hallway!  That just isn’t possible!!  Did I mention she is my baby????

So yes, tonight there are many thoughts of “I can’t believe my babies are growing up!” and “Oh my!  Where has the time gone?”  But for me….tonight there are so many other thoughts as well…………….

There is the thought that my oldest child, Cody, went to 6th grade…….but never got to finish…………………  He was 11, as is Bryce, but never turned 12…..which Bryce will do next month. So both of my “oldest” children…..are kind of at the same point.

And…there is the thought that my third child, Caleb, was only 8 when he died…..and that is how old Breanna is.   There is the thought that she is entering the 3rd grade tomorrow….which is something he never got to do.  So, both of my “babies” are kind of at the same point…

And…this means that my oldest and baby now…..by the end of this school year……will be where my oldest and baby then……….never lived to see.  So yes, by the end of the year…at 6th grade graduation….I will be in totally uncharted territory…… and part of that scares me.

You see…….I try very hard not to compare my children.  And I must say that it isn’t difficult……… and I think I do a pretty good job of seeing them each as their own individuals.  But there are times when I see the children I have now…..and what I see will remind me of something their brothers did……or…… like this time……things that they never got the chance to do……

It is these times that not only do I cry sad tears…..but angry tears.  Yes, I have forgiven the senseless act that took their lives so short.  But sometimes….. the anger at all they missed……at all I am missing….is blinding! 

So tonight…..it seemed just like my Heavenly Father to soothe me in His words….through my daughter. 

I consider it absolutely no coincidence that tonight when I picked her up from church and we were talking about class….that she told me what her memory verse for this week is……

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”                   Romans 8:28

Yes…..no coincedence at all that He is gently reminding me that it is all good.  He is working it out and I should leave it in His hands.  I will trust in the good that He can weave out of the mess that is my life.  I love Him and trust Him.

And…I will trust that the words I share with my kids about “It is ok to miss them….” and “They are in heaven with Jesus…..and we will be together one day…and from then until eternity will I have all my children together” are completely true.  Even I have to be reminded of that.  Sometimes I want so badly to hug them…..to experience more of life on this Earth with them….to hear them laugh and see their smiles…to know what they would be doing…..  just….so much that I feel I have missed by not having them here with me.   

So again I am reminded that He is in control.  I am reminded how precious life is.  That we really are not guaranteed a tomorrow.  I am reminded that since I am still here…….there is still MORE!  I am reminded that I still have a purpose for being here and He isn’t finished with me yet. 

And with those reminders…..as sad as I am…….it also makes me so stinkin excited to see…..just what He will do with me ………tomorrow!

If you wake up another day…..praise God and search for what He has you here to do!

Blessings! ~c