One of the things I am trying to do in my family is to teach them to use their words. This is a new concept to me…as it wasn’t something I was taught as a child. It makes sense…when you think about it…and to me, if we did it more…..life would be so much easier.
Before I go further in my explanation….let me first confess…I am NOT a giant at doing this all the time myself. I am trying….but still a work in progress! My thinking is that if I try to learn along with my family…it will happen eventually! 😉
The concept of using your words works in two different ways.
1.) Voicing your expectations – Think about it…..generally, for the most part, if people know what you expect of them, they will try to live up to it. I’ve found this works on kids as it does adults. It was explained to me this way… If a kids goes into a restaurant and gets up and down and up and down and up and down…..and then you get onto them…..it isn’t fair. Don’t twist off on me on this ..yet… It isn’t fair unless you have first taught them the behavior you expect AND then verbalized your expectations. Kids are pleasers! If before you get out of the car you say, “Okay….I have 3 expectations for while we are in the restaurant….1. I expect you to sit in your chair the entire time we are in there. 2. I expect you to use your inside voice while we are in there. and 3. I expect you to have a great time and fill your belly!” then generally the kids will want to please you and do what you “expect” them to do! You can have them repeat them to be sure they understand just before you go in. And this makes correcting or refocusing the behavior easier because you can look at them and say, “Oh, did you forget my expectations?”
It reminds me of the expectations I have at my job. They “expect” me to sell a certain number every month and they “expect” me to do certain reports weekly. So in reality we are just preparing them for later parts of life!
2.) Immediately using words when you are hurt or something is bothering you. With the kids this is something that started when they were young. I would have one come and “tattle” on the other. I would take the “tattler” to the other. If the offense was “kicking” I would have the tattler say this….”It hurt when you kicked me. I don’t like it when you do that. Please don’t kick me any more.” Then….I would teach the other to apologize. Not just say I’m sorry. But instead, “I apologize for kicking you. Will you please forgive me?”. This puts the power of whether to accept back into the hands of the one who is hurt.
When the kids have gotten older…..I don’t get involved. It is hard for me because I want to know…..but it is between them. It takes me out of the “tattling” loop. I still have times when I can tell something is wrong. I will ask if they have “used their words” and they generally say no. Then I ask them to go talk it out and they generally come back just fine.
It works with siblings and friends. I wish they did it on their own all the time….but it does help. They do feel better and are able to move past it. This allows for them to release their hurts and not have them build up and then explode!
Now….for me. Well…..it’s harder. I’ve lived a lot of life without using my words. It is hard for me. I have a lot of deep thoughts and maybe I just think too much! But after a while….even I feel better when using my words.
I’ve just recently done this. It was difficult….but needed. It is therapeutic. It is something that gives me hope. Makes me hopeful that things will be better! I release how I’ve been hurt and what I expect. But in doing this…I also have to be open to how I’ve hurt another and what their expectations of me are.
The only problem is that it is so hard for people to be “real”. I mean….if someone looked at you and said, “It hurt my feelings when I found out you were talking bad about me with our friend. Please don’t do that again.” it might strike someone as weird. It might even make them defensive. I mean, it’s hard to be caught in even those “small” things and to own up to it. Maybe we don’t mean to hurt the other person…but to find out it did makes us defensive.
I like to tell it like this…… My husband’s FAVORITE meal is chicken fried chicken. So, say I decide I am going to go to the store on my way home and come home and prepare a meal of his favorites….complete with mashed potatoes and homemade gravy. I can already imagine him telling me how good it is and how much he appreciates me slaving away to make his favorites!!! 🙂 But instead, on my way home from the store with all his favorites in tow…..I get a call. His boss just called and has a sick kid and instead of him going to the late night meeting….he needs my husband to go. So he is on his way BACK to his office and won’t be home for dinner. Go ahead and eat without him! He’ll just grab something on the go!
WELLLLLL!!!! I go home and toss and throw things and “I can’t believe he…” and slam cabinet doors as I put all HIS favorites in the freezer for who knows HOW long cuz I am NOT going to PLAN another special night for HIM because HE doesn’t even SHOW UP!………………………..then, when he gets home…he gets the silent treatment and I am curt with him…..and he has….NO CLUE WHAT HE DID!!!!!
He just didn’t meet my expectations! He didn’t even know I had expectations….
So setting expectations…being real….is not a bad thing. As someone I just talked to said….”Since when is being honest brutal???”.
Just some random thoughts….. ;-P
Be blessed today! ~cheli
My Life as a COMMA! 
i am so proud of you for teaching your children how to handle their feelings. like you i have so long just held on to my feelings and not telling family/friends how i am truly feeling. now i try to tell ‘THE TRUTH’. which at first, may have a negative reacting, but in the long run it has worked out best for everyone. but it is always easier to tell other people what they should do or to solve their problems than it is our own. so we all have to work on ourselves and realize it is hard to do what we so easily tell other people to do.
LOVE YOU!!!
This is one thing I came home from Usborne Convention feeling empowered to do. I didn’t really hear it in a session or anything, but somewhere through the weekend I realized that if I don’t express my expectation I can’t expect the results I expect! It’s a very simple concept, but I was avoiding being direct with people for fear of offending them, but I would end up being offended when they let me down. What a silly cycle! So thanks for the reaffirmation that I am on the right track! I appreciate your honesty and inspiration! Blessings!
Exactly what I have been working with some of my families on I work with… use your words! Even as adults, I have to remind these parents that if they don’t model it for them, how are they supposed to know? It’s sad how many parents feel they don’t need to “model” good behaviors, just do as I say and everything will be fine! As a parent, I have realized that this is so much harder than if we would just model to our kids the “appropriate” things to do rather then just tell them what to do.
I loved your ideas on “expectations” and how you should tell your kids what you expect of them before the situation arises. I do this all the time with Alayna before we go into restaurants, libraries, my work, etc… and always tell her what I expect of her while were are there and have her repeat back to me. That way, if she does something I have told her previously of what not to do, she is taking the responsibility for her actions. But if kids aren’t aware of what is expected of them, they will most likely disappoint the parents in some way. I think these are such valuable lessons that kids from age 2 can begin to understand! Thanks for sharing!! You really could have been a counselor in another life:) Love your insight!