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Well….it happened. Last Friday night my sweet rainbow baby graduated from college with his associates degree….. THREE WEEKS BEFORE HE GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL!

So yes….the tears are flowing…the proud momma heart is beating strong….and my two worlds are definitely colliding!!! But let me share something with you about how this has been a different type of event!

You see….I’ve known this was coming. I’ve known his plans were to get his associates and high school diplomas all in the same month. I’ve known for over 2 years. I have had time to prepare my heart! I have had time to watch him grow. I’ve watched him struggle. I’ve watched him overcome obstacles. I’ve held him while he has cried and hurt….. and I’ve high-fived him when he has had major successes! There has been a lot happen in this past couple years…and it is all his.

When I say my two worlds are colliding….they are…but it isn’t what some people might think.

Some people think when I say that my two worlds are colliding…..I mean that as I’m watching him go through these major hurdles and major accomplishments in life…I’m also, at the same time, trying to imagine each of his brothers going through the same hurdles and accomplishments. They think I try to place each of them where he is….or what he is going through.

That couldn’t be further from the truth!

And it takes me back to over 18 years ago on the day he was to be born.

On the day he was to enter the world…I had just been told he would have to arrive by c-section. I was scared….crying…and feeling like I was robbing his dad of the experience of a natural birth. I was feeling like somehow I was failing. Through all of that emotion…my sister, in her wisest 23 year old voice…told me the following….

“Cheli….God is giving you the gift of another son. He is allowing you to finish what you never finished with the boys. BUT…..(and this is what I want you to pay attention to)..God is bringing this son into the world in a completely different way than his brothers! He is doing this….so that FROM THE VERY BEGINNING….. you will NEVER be able to compare them!!! This son, will have his very own experiences in life…..FROM THE BEGINNING!”

And this has been true ever since that day!

You see…Friday night….I was so focused on what he was accomplishing….on HIM…I didn’t even think of the boys in a “this is what they missed” way…! I didn’t think of the graduations I’ve missed out on since they weren’t here….. I didn’t go there…AT ALL! All I could do was smile…and be proud of HIS accomplishment!! All I could think of was HIM!! The tears I’ve shed haven’t been in the “look at all I’ve missed” realm…but instead in the “I am so stinking proud of this child and LOOK AT WHAT HE HAS DONE!”

Don’t get me wrong….in the moment……I DID think of his brothers! But instead of the “whoa is me….look what I’ve missed thoughts….ALL I had is…..”Look at what your brother has accomplished and I know you’d be so proud of him!” Thoughts!

I thank GOD for him EVERY DAY! Not for just allowing me to finish what I couldn’t before….but for MY SON….for the gift of being his mom.

I’m so humbled God saw fit to allow me to be his momma….to allow me to be a mom again AT ALL! That is a small miracle in itself…since I truly didn’t think I’d have more kids or trust like that again.

Let me also say though…that since Friday, in my alone time, I HAVE gone there. I have gone through the thoughts of where they might be now…what I have missed….what THEY missed! But….I couldn’t imagine snagging them away from heaven to experience those things just so I can say they did!!! If they can’t be here with me….I’m oh-so-very-thankful that instead….they are in a place with no pain, no tears and no sorrow! You see…they don’t know what they missed! They don’t….but I do. I am here…where there is still pain…still tears…and still sorrow.

It is so hard to have my heart both in heaven and here on earth. To miss my boys who aren’t here and want to be with them so badly…yet…to not want to leave here so that I don’t miss anything in the lives of my two kids here on earth with me!!! THIS…..this is where my two worlds collide! In my head and in my heart. In my alone time and in my head!

I’m so thankful though…that God saw fit to allow me this opportunity. To see his graduation….and….to see his senior prom! And then…to look forward to doing the same things…with my daughter!

This, my friend, is what I call God’s grace and mercy! This…is Him showing up…and showing me that even when I felt like I couldn’t….HE CAN! He gave me the gift of life. The gift of continuing my life…even when I didn’t know why I was still here when my heart had left this earth! The gift of new life…with both my son and my daughter! The gift of life….and seeing it continue! This…is the light in the darkness. This…is Jesus. This is His redemptive power!

I leave you with pics of my baby…..of my family…of accomplishments and milestones. I see God in these….I hope you do too!

If you are hurting, as I know so many are, please know I’m lifting you up in prayer. Please know, God has a plan….He has a way….and your life still has a purpose! I know it doesn’t always feel like it….but I am the first to tell you…those feelings are lies!

Much love ~c

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As I sit in the darkness of my home….the clock ticks away…and the time just changed to midnight. My son, my daughter and my husband are all sleeping. My pups are cuddled up…but I can’t sleep.

I’ve known this day was coming. I can’t ever escape it….as much as I’d like to sometimes. It never surprises me…because my mind prepares me…as much as it possibly can…for what is coming up.

Today….marks 21 years since you’ve been gone. 21 years – the span from birth that someone is “legal”. 21 years…. long enough to be in college…have found your true love….married…and maybe even have children. 21 years.

But for me…it’s 21 years since you’ve been here with me. 21 years since I’ve heard your laughs….seen your smile….felt your hugs….touched your hair…. 21 years…since you took your last breaths. At that moment…I thought there was no way I could continue to breathe….but for 21 years….I have. I’ve breathed….I’ve lived….and I’ve loved.

My heart hurts…in such a way I never realized it could. It is constant…sometimes a numbness that lingers with you always….but other times…like now…it seers through my body and almost….stops my breath. It’s suffocating…on days like this. The longing to know you….who you’d be…. who you’d love….where you’d be….what you’d be like…what you’d be doing. I.can’t.even.imagine. Not any more. I just don’t know. I’d like to think I’d know. But really….it’s just me…in my head….dreaming.

Being your mom….was such a blessing. I don’t think I even realized it then…..but I do now. I tell your brother and sister…they are my heart beating outside my chest. Well…you are as well. You just happen to walk the streets of heaven. You were my first heartbeats….and I’ll love you until my heart beats its last beat on this earth…and I get to see you again!

I’ve heard grief described as “a love that has no physical place to go”. That love…never goes away. And on days like today ….. it just hurts. My arms ache for you….my heart yearns for the love to be returned….my head is filled with the few, precious memories of your short years on this earth.

On the day you died….it was gray. So gray and and cloudy.

I experienced the same kind of day recently. I remembered looking up at the clouds on the day you died and remembered you were with God that day….and again….I did the same a few days ago. I took pics….from the plane I was in.

Because God ever so gently reminded me that not every day is cloudy. He is still there with me….with you.

Then I took pics going into the clouds…

..and in the clouds too.

It seemed so dark….so thick…like I couldn’t find my way. That is how I felt on the day you were gone. How I feel sometimes….even now.

But then…..I took these.


took pics above the clouds…..to remind me that He is ALWAYS THERE! Even when we don’t see or feel Him…God is there. The storms will come and they will feel heavy and like they will never leave…but HE IS THERE! The light of His goodness is above the clouds and they are in constant movement. They don’t stay still….and neither do the storms of this life!!

I love to fly! Love it! Maybe because….for some small moment…I feel close to you. I feel close the feeling you must be feeling. Being above the clouds means the storms are beautiful formations…but you see them as beauty…they don’t hurt you any more. I love the light above the clouds….the clear view of the stars… and I can only imagine….the views you must have from heaven.

I just have to admit. Even though I know this…..even though I’m oh so thankful for this….I still hate it. I hate that you aren’t with me. I hate that I’m not there with you. I just miss you so much. Selfishly…I want you here…..but I could never steal you away from heaven….from Jesus…from the God who created you and loves you more than I do! And…..selfishly…I want to be there with you….but I’ve got your brother and sister here….I want to see them grow up…..get married…have babies and have an awesome adult life with them… It’s just so hard.

I can’t even see through my tears right now. I can’t stop my shoulders from shrugging from the sobs…..I can’t stop the burning in my throat trying to silently cry….so as not to wake my family…… My heart…..hurts. Because you are there….and I am here.

I long for the day I can come home and see you again. I can’t wait to see you running towards me and the eternity of stories…songs and love we will share! I’ve got so much living here to do…..so I know for me…..it will be so many more years of these days…..of this hurt….. But I’m so thankful for you it will only be the blink of an eye before we are together again.

Oh….my sweet boys….I miss you…more than there are words….more than I can ever express. I pray….the life I’m living here has been and will continue to be a testament to the lives you lived so well….and fulfills the very purpose of why God chose to leave me here ….in this world….without you.

I could go on and on….but it all comes down to this….

I love you. Cody….Cory…and Caleb…. you are my heartbeat still. With every heart beat…I love you and miss you more. With every heart beat…I’m closer to being with you again.

May my heart beat….until my purpose is fulfilled.

All my love to you…my c3angels!


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When I was a little girl…a looong time ago…we used to play a game called “Mercy!”. If you know what game I’m talking about….Congratulations! You grew up in a time where we had to use our imaginations to fill in gaps of time….and we weren’t entertained by electronic boxes 24/7!!! For those of you who don’t know what this game is….basically it was a game where two people faced each other, then joined their hands together……..and then literally tried to squeeze the bejeebies out of the opponent…or twist and contort their hands and arms into a place of pain…..all in trying to get the other person to say “Mercy!” so that you would stop!! This, dear friends, is what we called FUN! Torturing one another and trying to make the other person “tap out”! 

Today, the word mercy has a much different meaning in my life. Today, mercy is something I seek…long for….hope for! 

Here is a definition I found of this complex word.. 

I believe in mercy. The #3 kind of mercy. The mercy my God bestows on me daily…hourly…every moment of every day kind of mercy. I believe that just as Lamentations 3:22-23 states….”His mercies are new every morning”….we just have to remember this and STOP living in the past mistakes that have already been forgiven and forgotten by the One True King and Judge!! 

MERCY – in the game it was the way to make the other person stop. Stop the pain…stop the process of pain. Think about that. Mercy can stop the pain….break the cycle….give new hope!

In my LIFE….it is the continual process of hope! Believing in hope…even after I’ve messed up! Believing in hope…..even after I’ve been hurt! Believing in HIM……and Trusting Him too! If He can forgive and start over….DAILY…..then I should be no different!

So….let me say to those of you stuck….stuck in a place of not believing…of not hoping…..of thinking you are way past the mercies of our Saviour…..STOP IT!!! Just STOP! What makes you so special that the mercy He has given everyone else…..isn’t good enough for you???? What lie are you believing that is stopping you from receiving the very thing…HIS MERCY…that could help you…give you a new hope…and transform your life? 

I want to pray for you…to be vulnerable enough to tell you I NEED His mercy….I need His grace to wash over me daily! I mess up….I disappoint….I get frustrated…I frustrate others…dang it…..NONE of us are perfect. We all NEED Him! Won’t you please….please consider leaning into His mercy? Please….cry out….MERCY LORD! Because this life isn’t a game….and our eternity isn’t a fairy tale. Romans 10:13 says…”Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Acts  2:21 says “And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved”.   Some translations…instead of “saved” say “shall receive life”. 

To me…they remind me of the game still. Maybe you’re hurting…and it seems like life is beating you….  I urge you to cry out….MERCY!! Because I know…when you call on the name of the Lord….and seek Him and His mercy…..you will receive it! I don’t know what it looks like for you…but for me…it looks like forgiveness I don’t deserve. It looks like possibility where there only seemed impossibilities. It looks like grace…when it isn’t deserved. It can look like that for you….even more! 

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It’s interesting to me….because I never really knew what the term “rainbow child” truly meant. I don’t think it is ever something I had even heard of…  Even as I was bringing this child into the world and putting Noah’s ark items into his nursery….I still didn’t know this was a “thing”. 

I just knew that he was God’s promise to me. A promise to me that I was still “good enough” to be a mom here on this earth. A promise that I could be trusted with another child. A promise that I would get to see and experience things with this son I was unable to experience with my first three sons. A promise….that He was still in control. A promise that….if I would just trust in Him…He would guide my path….into motherhood once again.

I didn’t know the term was “a thing” later on in his life. I most certainly felt like he was heaven-sent….and God’s way of easing my soul… He was never a replacement of the boys I had lost…but merely an addition to my life. He has enriched my life in ways I can’t explain in mere words. He is a part of me….so closely woven into my heart that when he hurts, my heart aches. So much intertwined into my soul that his very smile can make my heart leap and his hugs can melt my heart all at the same time! 

This beautiful child of mine…is truly not a child any more. Just this past week he started his senior year in high school. In less than a month, he will take on his final year towards his associate’s degree. But his biggest challenge to date…was faced this past summer.

Last semester was tough for him. I don’t know how to describe it…but he just wasn’t always his normal self. But it wasn’t until the end of school and first of summer we noticed his drop in weight…without trying. His mood was somber at times and he “just wasn’t himself”. Finally…we got into a doctor to see what was wrong with my sweet boy.

Well…..we were hit immediately with a high hemoglobin and high blood sugar. The doctor wanted to send him by ambulance to Children’s hospital ER but allowed us to drive him if we promised to go straight there. We did….and it is quite surreal when the doctor meets you in the waiting room! They warned us he would be hospitalized for at least 3 days….but to our surprise (but not God’s!) we were able to go home later that night. Those things became the first in our “Small Victories” page.

Type 1 diabetes. This was our new normal. 

Yes, I’m aware it isn’t “as bad as it could have been”. But what I’m also aware of is the fact my son’s life had to take an immediate 180 degree turn and it will never be the same! The next morning we were at the hospital again spending hours finding out what the new normal would look like.

10 prescriptions, calculations out the wazoo, how to give shots, and dizzying thoughts…..we were sent home to this new reality. As Bryce so bravely sat in the dining room going over all the new things he had just learned with his sweet girlfriend, my husband and I were in the back room sobbing. The reality hit. The pain of the life he had known was something in the past. It hit hard. Sobs from my husband as he talked about having to give his son shots….of the harsh new reality hit….were a lot for me to handle.

God reminded me though…of a time when Bryce was in pre-school…and my prayer over him being SO LITERAL….came back to me. I remembered I prayed….”Lord, I know that Bryce thinking in such a black and white way…will someday be an awesome thing and a strength for him to have….but right now help me…because it is literally kicking my ass!”. And I thought….maybe this is it! Maybe…since he knows he has to be vigilant…this will be the strength he needs to conquer this.

That prayer was answered and confirmed just a few days ago when we went for a follow up visit. That  someday is now! At his diagnosis his A1c was 14. This is a 3 month average of his blood sugar…and basically meant he had been living at a 400-600 average for 3 months. At his visit this week….not even 2 months into his diagnosis…his A1c was 7.8!! That is phenomenal! The doctors said they’d never seen it come down so quickly and been so well managed right off the bat! I knew then….this was part of his story. 

It hasn’t been easy. As we were on our family vacation just a couple short weeks after his diagnosis I think it hit him. The reality that we were on vacation..on a getaway…but he still had to check his sugars, take shots…. it’s like he realized this was his new reality. This was something he was NEVER going to be able to take a vacation from. And that hit hard! 

On top of that….his “literal” mind kicked in and when his numbers weren’t in range…he was hard on himself. His literal mind was that of perfection. And with this disease…there is no such thing. And as his body is learning to deal with great numbers….it is not feeling well. His body has been so used to the high sugars…it feels like good numbers are bad! He is having great numbers…but actually feeling worse! 

It’s going to take a while for his body to adjust. He is having to rely on grace….in a very real way. Grace for himself….just as God’s grace has already covered him. He is having to give something truly BIG to God….like he has never done before. It’s hard. It’s hard to give something like this to God and not want to take it back sometimes. Even I struggle with it! 

And it has been a burden I’ve felt like I’ve had to carry. I have tried to learn everything I can….to help him manage and learn. So that as I send him out into this world…..he will be able to manage and cope with this new reality called Type 1 Diabetes. But he will be 18 next month. Next year he will be leaving my home for college. It isn’t my burden to bear. I, too, am having to learn grace and to give it all to God. 

It’s hard ya’ll. Having to watch him go through difficulties I wish, with all my heart, I could take for him! Having to trust that God’s got this son of mine is His hands….and He has great plans for him outside of my home. It hurts my heart and makes my heart burst with pride…all in the same moment…watching how he is managing diabetes and not letting it manage him! Watching him grow into this young adult…watching his successes and failures….all make me one proud momma.

A friend shared with me this thought the other day…which totally touched my heart. She said, “When they are little they step on our toes…their feet are constantly on ours as they learn to dance. But as they grow into adulthood, their footprints instead are on our hearts. Both hurt and feel good, all at the same time!” 

It is so true. His footprint is on my heart. As God takes his path to new territories…that don’t include momma’s house…he will always have my heart. I will always be his biggest fan. And God will always be faithful….in His promises.

The pics below are from his first day senior year. The one is of him…the other is of God’s promise that showed up that evening as I was driving home from work. 

He is amazing. Both God….and my son. I am oh-so-thankful for both of them in my life. For their love….for their grace…and the promises they both fulfill in my life.

I pray you always trust God. Look for the silver linings in the clouds….and trust His promises to be true. ~c

1 Samuel 1:27-28 “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now, I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”

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Reality hits….

This month is a doozie for me and my family! So many things…good and bad….and just a bit overwhelming at times!

This month is filled with birthdays and anniversaries of ones I love….

My sweet hubby’s birthday, his sister’s birthday, my grandmother’s birthday, brother-in-law’s birthday, best friend’s birthday, another sweet friend’s birthday….my parents’ anniversary, the anniversary of when my grandmother passed, the anniversary of my boys’ death, the anniversary of my friend’s baby’s “gotcha” day…..just a lot going on.

In the midst of this month….and all that is happening…there is also the busy, normal, every day life stuff going on. 

My sweet boy decided to add to that a bit…and schedule a college visit. We went a couple days ago. The college he wishes to attend just happens to be in my old stomping grounds! But man…has that town changed! There is so much familiarity…yet it is so different all at the same time…..kinda like my life!! 🙂 

We walked through the campus….sat with the admissions counselor…..asked questions….asked more questions….and all the while I kept looking over at this nearly-man child….and wondering…where has the time gone? How did we get from him being such a little chunky monkey to him looking like the young man he is now? How am I sitting here…with a college admissions counselor….thinking of handing over my baby to the world….and not having him under my protective wing any more? How did my reality turn into this? 

As I watched him walk in front of me…with our guide…talking with her and asking questions…I realized this is a symbol of this part of my life right now. He is in front of me….walking away from the protection of my nest…growing ever-so-close to adulthood and stepping out on his own. This is the picture in my heart…as I wrestle, once again, with God, over letting go of this precious boy…..of trusting him…his heart…his LIFE…to the very One who created Him…who loved him FIRST…who has plans for him beyond my comprehension…and who will protect him and guide him on the path HE has set before him. Will it be easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!  But at the same time…what I’m reminded of…is he will not be walking away from my love. He will never be so far away that I can’t be there for him…if he wants me to be…and I will never stop praying for him…and for his heart… This new reality won’t happen for over a year….but I thank God He gave me this glimpse…this moment…to see and begin to prepare my heart…for what is to come. The harsh reality is…that….this is a part of life I’ve never experienced before…as a mother. To release my child into adulthood…into the world…and away from the facade I’ve created in my mind….of being his protector. Oh Lord…you are his protector, provider and the One who will guide him! I release him…daily…to You. I trust you completely….with his life…with his heart…with his future. I know he will seek You and your will for his path…..and whatever he may do…or be…as long as it is with You…is more than okay with this momma!

Then…this month…there is also the harsh reality of it being 20 years…since I’ve seen my three sweet boys on this earth. My family and I have been discussing this for a while now…and wanted to do something different…something special. Then, this week snuck up on us and we realized it is here…and so we decided to do a balloon release…and include all of our friends, family and supporters! We chose pics and I created a little flyer/invite for all of us to share. 

Now, I have known this was coming…and we’ve been talking about it.. A LOT. But…let me just tell you…seeing it…writing it…to share…somehow made the reality of it…even more real. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality…of seeing their sweet smiles…of them being stuck in my mind at 11, 10 and 8…and watching my son and the milestones he is hitting…just jumped out of nowhere and knocked me back…quite a bit. 

This is the flyer I shared. These are the pics I chose. There were so many I could have chosen…so many to share…. But in reality…it was the same photos I’ve always had to go through….nothing new…nothing past those ages. Nothing. No new pics….because there was no more life for them to live. There was no middle school….no high school…no college. No marriages and no babies. That…is the harsh reality. And you know what….???? It sucks. And yes…I could stay here and be all mad and frustrated and angry and even be justified in staying in that place….but……

It won’t help. It isn’t who they were…and it isn’t who I want to be. We are not victims of this situation and I …for some reason…am still here…breathing….choosing…living. So….

Instead I choose to remember the lives they lived in those 11, 10 and 8 years! I choose to remember the smiles…the silliness…the absurdities…the songs…the laughter…the fights…the wrestling…the playing…the crying…..the sports….the shenanigans….the constant eating…the friends…the athletes…the joy….the love….and the life each of my boys had in their time with us on this earth. I will choose to honor them…with the life I still have. I will choose to share their story…with those who don’t know it. I will choose to point others to Jesus…because that is what they would want…. I will choose to honor them…with not staying down..but instead getting up…each and every time … no matter what. I will choose to allow the holes they left in my heart…never to be filled with anger, bitterness or unforgiveness…never to try to fill those same holes with anything or anyone else….but instead I’ll choose to allow those same holes…to expand the capacity of my heart to love…to empathize…to allow more in….and to increase my territory. I will choose to allow their story to be my story…..and to use it to glorify the God they now abide with. I will allow God to be my all…my strength…to carry me when I feel weak…to be my all and my Lord…so I can walk not only with Him for eternity…but with my boys for eternity. I will choose joy…through the suffering and hurt…allowing perseverance to build my strength so I can be strong for others! 

All I ask of you….is to know these truths. The reality is….life is hard. We are never promised happiness or even tomorrow. But…we are promised an eternity with our Creator….if we choose to believe He sent His son for us….to die for what we deserved…and to take our place. If we confess Him as our Lord and Saviour…He will, He has…atoned for our sins…and prepares a place for us in Heaven. The next truth is….He has given us His power and strength. You see, I’m not strong…at all… But..in…and through my Lord…I’ve allowed His strength to carry me…to hold me….to heal me…and in return…He has made me powerful.  I have power in my choices….not to be a victim…but a victor. In my chooses to go on….I have power. The power to choose to live…and not to just exist. The choice to continue to love…and not just focus on the love I’ve lost. The power to go on….is a choice. I am powerful. You are powerful. Please…please…honor my boys with your choices. Choose Him.  Choose love. Choose…to walk His path…and follow Him.

If you are able…you are welcome to be with us Wednesday afternoon. If you aren’t…we ask for your thoughts and prayers as we lift our hearts and release balloons heavenward…. 

Reality is….there is hope…and joy…and love in this hurting world. Your power…is choosing to see it. And…if you don’t see it…to seek it out. My prayer is …. you’ll choose to be powerful! 

all my love! ~c

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Seriously…there is a “how to” manual for just about EVERYTHING these days…or a book for us “DUMMIES”!! Heck, I even saw a news story on a woman who, along with her four children, built their own home…using nothing but “how-to” videos from YouTube!! Seriously…if you don’t know how to do something these days…the answer seems to always be…”Just Google it!”. Well…let me tell you something…there is NOTHING out there for what I’ve been going through in mine and my kids lives!

Let me share with you my night. First, when I picked up my daughter from school…I could tell she was “in a mood”. She wasn’t being rude…really, she wasn’t even talking. But I could sense there was something under the surface. She came home and wanted to rest. That was fine..because I was tired as well. That didn’t really happen…and then…the fireworks. Nothing I said was met with kind responses. It was either an argument or an explanation of why she didn’t need or want to do something. This led to me losing my cool. After a bit…she went to her room. I went back there and we tried to “talk”…but it just wasn’t happening. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to unpack what was really going on with her..and she didn’t want to talk. So I left her alone for a while. 

I prayed while she was back there. I knew there was something..I just didn’t know what. It frustrated me…and in my frustration…I was going about getting her to open up to me all wrong! I had kept prodding in ways that weren’t conducive to her becoming vulnerable and going below the surface to what was really wrong. I prayed and asked God to help me…to give me the timing and words to say to truly help her heart..not just her situation. 

After a long while I went back and opened the door…and asked if we could talk. I stayed there at the door and didn’t invade her space, even after she told me she was okay with it. And then….it happened.

She shared so much. She opened up to me about her struggles….her hurts…emotionally and spiritually. They were very deep wounds and she was drowning in her own feelings and thoughts and couldn’t find a way out. 

I realized then that my sweet daughter has the gift of empathy to the point of taking on the burden so heavily..that she was losing herself. She was so wrapped up in what is going on with the ones she loves…she wasn’t able to focus on herself and know how to still feel for the other person…and not let it effect her own life so much. We started discussing healthy boundaries and having to understand everyone has their own responsibilities. She broke…hard.

But then….there was more. She started asking me about her brothers. She broke…and it broke me. She just wants…so badly…to hear they are proud of her. She wants to know they notice her…that God notices her. She is still angry at my ex for taking her brothers away from her. She cried and mourned….and as much as I understood….I didn’t!

You see…for her….she is mourning someone she loves very much…her BROTHERS….but also…someone she NEVER MET!! Take that in for a moment. She never met them. She doesn’t know them. She has no memories with them. She only knows stories of them.

Where is the manual for that!!??  For “How to grieve a loved one you never met”. I mean, really…think of it….  When people are grieving we often tell them to “remember the good times”…or that “the memories we have in our heart of that person will never die”. Well…she doesn’t have any of that!!!!

I held her…for the longest time. Her head buried in my chest…I had tears rolling down my face…falling on her head. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to comfort her….to reassure her. I don’t even get it! I got to have them here with me….she doesn’t. I get to think of the moments we had…their silly grins…. All she has…are pictures…and stories. And…it’s been so long since they were here….there aren’t many around us who speak of them…to us anyway. Her grief is on a whole different level. One I’ve never experienced…or have any wisdom on the way to help her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. 

She carries a burden for them as well. A burden to live…since they didn’t. A burden to live well…for them…to make them proud of her. She carries a burden of sadness….and her mind takes her to places I can’t even imagine…because she can literally….can only imagine who they were…what they were like…and who they might be to her now. Her burden is heavy…..and all I want to do is take it from her. But I can’t…because it isn’t something I understand. 

So, God. She is wrestling with Him now, too. She is wrestling with all that she is burdened about…for herself as well as others. She is wrestling with feeling Him…with forgiveness…and why it is so expected. She is wrestling with His loving…all while allowing….so many to hurt…including her. 

So, I prayed. And prayed some more. We talked…we cried….we cried and talked some more. And by the end of the evening…we had smiles again. Our hearts were lighter….and our load seemed lighter. If only…just for a little while.  There were no “magic words”….no “fix-it slogans”. Just tough realizations and conversations. 

We decided we will be brainstorming together. You see, in less than a month…we will have the 20th…yes…20 years…anniversary of her brothers death. We want to do something special in remembrance of them. We aren’t sure if we will ask others to join in…or if it will be just a private, family event. But…we will honor the brothers she never knew. We will continue to heal the broken in our lives…and allow God to help us write the “how to” as we go along.

In mine…and my family’s grief process…I’ve learned there is no “how to” or specific way it is supposed to play out. We are all different…and it looks different for each and every one of us. And that’s ok. 

I found this graphic…I think it displays my “grief journey” just about better than anything else I’ve ever seen. 

I truly believe we can have a guide…but we need to understand…there is no “right way” to grieve. Until my sweet girl shared…I never considered just how different her grief process was from my own. I thought I could understand…because I lost them too. But I’m realizing…it isn’t the same. For any of us. 
So, having said all that…I ask you to consider a few things. 

1.) Please, if you think of it…pray for our sweet family. We are struggling more than we will probably ever let on…with the upcoming anniversary. But our God will see us through..and there will be..I’m sure…many lessons yet to be learned.

2.) Pray for my girl. Pray she is able to build healthy boundaries…to release to God what isn’t hers to “own”…and she would see Him…in all she does.

3.) You would consider…when dealing with anyone…there is not always a way to completely understand what someone else is going through. You can empathize…but you can’t own it. You can share and love…but you can’t fully “get it”…and that is okay. Love them through…pray with them…and point them to Jesus.

4.) Open up…be real…to someone you trust. She needed someone to help bring her out of the thoughts in her head. She was letting the voices inside her become so loud…she couldn’t process them..or anything else. She NEEDED to talk…but was afraid to. Open up…be real. We were never meant to be an island. Do the hard work of finding that safe place and open up and let them cushion your thoughts…to guide you into reality…to share in the burdens you carry.

I’ll do that for any of you…seriously. I don’t think we are supposed to walk alone…so if you feel alone…and are reading this…reach out. I promise to keep it confidential. But know…I’ll be honest back with you…and love you through it. 

“For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you'” – Isaiah 41:13

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” – Galatians 6:2

all my love ~c

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Let me start this how I was originally going to title it…

REALIZING….NOBODY can truly give me what I want for my birthday or Christmas!

Sounds a bit selfish…doesn’t it? Well…in a way it is. But I’m always transparent and honest…and today…this is where I’ve been.

You see…my birthday falls right before Christmas. So I get asked all the time…what do you want for your birthday and Christmas? What do you want to do for your birthday? And to me…that is OVERWHELMING! 

I just celebrated my sister last week…not even a full week ago! And yesterday…I celebrated my sweet daughter! I KNOW how crazy this season has become with the shopping, the parties, the wrapping, the cooking, the expectations, the planning, the “trying to see everyone you are supposed to see” and the whole craziness Christmas season has become!! Throw into the mix…a birthday just a few days before…and VOILA!! It seems like it’s just something else to plan, to shop for…to do.

Now…don’t get me wrong! First and foremost…I LOVE CHRISTMAS! It is a very special holiday to me…and I LOVE the true meaning of Christmas! I love celebrating the birth of my Lord and honoring Him. I also love buying for others! I am a gift giver…and love listening to people through the year…and trying to find something special…that shows I love them…I know them…and shows them I care! I also love…even more…giving to those who are truly in need. As a matter of fact…we have done that this year so much more than we ever have! And…what’s even better is that nobody really knows all we’ve done…or even it was us that did it! So…all this to say…..don’t think I have a bad attitude about Christmas…because I don’t….it is truly a treasured time in my family. 


All that being said….this morning…I did let myself...”go there”.  Call it a bad attitude….selfish…or whatever…I’m going to share where my mind went…. (be gentle)…

This morning I was alone. My sweet girl was with her friend and enjoying her family…and my boys were volunteering at church. I was left at home to enjoy some quiet time…some “me” time. So as I was enjoying my time….I was singing and praying and thinking…. As I was making my bed…it hit me…. 

People keep asking what I want…. well…

I broke into a sob…really quick. I spoke aloud as I cried…and tried to breathe. These…were my words…through my tears…

“NOBODY can give me what I truly want for my birthday or for Christmas!!! Because I just want my boys …. here with me! I want to hold their newborn babies in the hospital and watch them as they become fathers!!! I want to see them preparing to be Santa for the first or fourth time…and enjoying their families and spoiling them during this time!! I want to see them…to hold them…to touch them again!! I want them to be here to tell their brother and sister they love them and how proud they are of them! I want them to stand together…so I can take a picture of ALL FIVE OF THEM TOGETHER!! To show them how their smiles really ARE alike! I want to hear them say they are proud of me…they are happy I was chosen to be their mom! I want to look forward to my phone ringing…knowing it is one of them on the other line…just calling to chat…and say they love me!! I want to tell them I love them…and hold them…squeeze them…smell them….again!!  

And I want my mom to be here! I want her to see my sweet daughter and see how wonderful she is! I want her to have deep discussions with my son and see how much he has accomplished. I want to hear her say she is proud of me…and of my sister…and she couldn’t have done any of it better herself. I want her to see my nephew and comment on how his height had to of come from her side of the family!! I want her to be on the other end of the phone when I call…for absolutely no reason…but to hear her voice! 

I want so much that I can’t have! I want them…But I still want the ones I have now! I want the pain to be gone…not just from my life…but from those around me I love so very much!!”

I cried hard. I fell to the floor. I yelled it out through my tears! “THIS IS WHAT I WANT! PEOPLE KEEP ASKING….AND THIS IS IT! THIS…..and since I CAN’T have it…it is hard to find something that “will do”. Not that I don’t appreciate others wanting to celebrate or can’t appreciate what they give out of love……but this is where my heart is. 

I usually don’t share this side of me…this part of my suffering…of my journey. But it is real. 

The good thing about it…is in being more real with myself…it allows me to get these feelings out in the open…to not “stuff” them and allow myself to truly FEEL them.. to mourn the loss of my expectations and move into and truly appreciate the reality I have now!

So, as I prayed for God to heal my broken heart..yet again….He showed me this. Don’t title this about me in a selfish way… It’s okay to be real and raw…but instead…learn from it and grow….and challenge others to do the same.

So, when my son asked me to give him an idea of what I wanted…I sent him this…”I don’t want anything…except happiness..promise to help me…promise to keep growing..in every way possible. Have a determined heart and resolve to kick it in gear in school…to take care of yourself…but still let me be a part of your life. Write me a letter… don’t spend your money on me…give me something from your heart.” 

This is what I want…what I need….what I crave. Moments….memories….heartfelt…not store bought. 

So…my challenge to you…is….to go deeper and find out your heart’s desire for this Christmas. Then…don’t just seek to execute it for yourself….but seek to find out other’s heart’s desires…and seek to help them attain theirs! 

I promise…in helping others…you will help yourself. In loving others through it…you, yourself, will have been wrapped in love and helped yourself…”through it”. This holiday…as wonderful as it is…can be so tough on so many. REALIZE you are blessed…no matter where you are! You may not be where you desire…but God desires you to see your purpose right now…right where you are!

God created us in His image…we are here to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others. That is our calling. NO matter where you are or what your situation is right now…He loves you…and He created you with a purpose on your life. There is not just one small purpose…there are many. If you are doubting why you are still here…I promise you friend…there is still a purpose that only YOU were created for. It may seem so simple to you…to do something which may seem so insignificant to you….but to someone else…it might just not only be them seeing the hands and feet of Jesus at work…but the eyes and face of God smiling down on them…THROUGH YOU!! 

My challenge to you is to be real…with yourself and others. Create memories and moments that will always mean something…don’t stress over the “stuff”….Remember who you are…and whose you are…and…that I love you! 

Thank you for challenging me…through this blog…through my life…through your prayers. You have touched my life…even if we have not met. You have shown me a purpose I never believed God would trust me with. I am encouraged by you…equipped by God…and I know…even if I can’t have what I want right now….my eternity will be exactly what I want! Blessings to you this season! ~c

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