Again, my two worlds collide. Today would be birthday #33 for my sweet boy! Yes, 33 years ago Cody Brian made me a momma for the first time! I remember it all very vividly, as if it were yesterday.
But other numbers also come into play on days like today.
Numbers like 11. Cody will forever be 11. My sweet angel only had 11 earthly birthdays. So even though I would be the momma of a 33 year old man today….I can only see or remember him as an 11 year old boy.
#22. This is how many birthdays I’ve had to “celebrate” on this earth without him. 22!!! That is twice as many as the number I had him here with me! This is a difficult realization. This is where it just is hard.
I say, a LOT, that my two worlds collide. In my last post I talked about how it is different than some people think. Let me share something that I heard recently that has really resonated with me.
A few weeks back I happened onto a radio station at the end of a story. I don’t remember who or what…so I can’t give them proper credit…but I truly believe what they were saying. I heard them talking about grief…..and joy. They seem to be two polar opposite feelings….and so it is hard for people to fathom that I can live with both…much less let them coexist in my life. But the way I heard it explained made perfect sense to me.
You see…I grew up a dancer…and I know that sometimes when you put partners together…they don’t always seem to “fit”. But when they learn to allow each other the space needed….they start to move together gracefully. They begin to fit in a way you never thought possible.
This is joy and grief. You have to learn to allow them to be dance partners in your life. This visual for me represents my week! This week I am going through the grief of not having my son, Cody, here with me. His birthday is difficult because I don’t know the 33 year old man I should be celebrating…I only know the 11 year old child he was when I lost him. This is grief. But this week is also my son, Bryce’s, high school graduation. I am preparing my home to have guests coming into town to celebrate him and his accomplishments. JOY!
So, this week is full of JOY….intertwined and mixed with….GRIEF. Over the past 21+ years, I’ve learned to let them dance together. I’ve learned to allow myself to feel joy….even when it seems like I should be full of grief. I’ve learned to allow myself to feel whatever feeling is inside me….and work my way through it….so that JOY…is what I end up with.
GRIEF….can now turn to JOY! What do I mean when I say this? I mean, that even though my arms ache to hold my children…..even though I can’t imagine what they would look like now, what they would be doing in life….or any of those things….JOY…comes in the many wonderful memories I have of them! And then….even more JOY arises from knowing I will get to spend eternity with them! I have HOPE….and in that HOPE….JOY arises!
I miss this boy. I miss him more than words can say….or you could possibly imagine. I’m not trying to say I haven’t cried…more tears than I can count…or that I’m always smiling. What I am saying though….is I know where Cody is. I know he is experiencing true love….and none of the sorrow I have. I know where he is…because I know he put his trust in Jesus! And I know, because of the promise of the cross…I WILL see him again!
Happy birthday sweet boy! I celebrate you today! The 11 years you were with me has helped make me who I am today. You made me a momma first. You were my protector first. You had a smile I will never be able to forget. You, held my heart…and will continue to have it…until I take my last breath.
Until we meet again, my sweet 11 year old angel. I will love you forever… ~momma
My Life as a COMMA! 
Thank you for this. My sweet mama passed away on May 12. I have lost others and lived through other sorrows in this life. This is different. There was nothing simple about my relationship with my mom and as I grieve, I also wonder why I wasn’t a better daughter at times. God is good and gave me 5 months while she was ill to spend so much time with her and say so many things that had gone unsaid for years. I’m in a new place with this grief thing and I dont know how to do it and what the expectations are. You remind me to let go of all of that and allow myself to just feel what is there and work through it and let it be part of the dance. This dance is new to me and I know needs to be my own, however God choregraphs it in the months and years ahead. I hope you know that God has used you in amazing ways to encourage others. I am certain that your boys knew the love of their sweet momma. May you be blessed this week as you dance.
Cathy, I’m just seeing this and just praying for you! I understand the loss of your mom…as I lost my mom too! It is so difficult and I know the feelings of wishing I’d been a better daughter and done things differently. But I, too, was able to have time to mend the brokenness of our relationship before she passed. I was able to see her strengths and her unending love for her family. I pray you let go of whatever others say you should feel or do and just let God guide the pathway of your grief. I pray you allow Him to help you entwine your current life and the joys it brings with the grief and true moments of missing your momma. May your reunion be glorious….and until you meet again be the dance of your life! Blessings! ~c
Thank you!