My Life as a COMMA!

No….yesterday wasn’t my birthday. Actually, that was last month.

It isn’t my birthday that bothers me. But, if I’m being gut-level honest….today’s one day older….more than any other day in my life time….is the one day that is bothering me the most.

You see…..today…..I am one day older than my mother was on the day she died.

There….I typed it…I said it. It is so hard. Much harder than I ever thought. I’ve been thinking, in the back of my mind, on this for almost a year. Knowing it was coming. Knowing all along that if God kept allowing me to wake up…this day was going to happen.

Yesterday morning was hard for me. As I sat alone doing my quiet time, having coffee and enjoying the silence of my home….the tears just flowed. Knowing…..I was the same age as she was on the day she died.

I thought of what she left behind. Of all she hasn’t seen in the past more than 21 years since she has been gone. I think of my sister, and all she has been through and accomplished that mom didn’t get to see….and realize my son is almost the same age as my sister was when mom died. I cannot fathom not being here when he graduates college…or gets married….or has children. I cannot fathom not seeing his life unfold into adulthood and being here for the good and bad.

Then there is my own daughter. My mom never got to see me be a mom to a daughter. With my relationship with my sweet girl, I feel like I’ve broken the generational curse of difficult mother/daughter relationships. I enjoy every phase of her life and we are so close! I see mom in her. Her tenacity in something or just some of her looks are so my mom. She has this little bump on the ridge of her nose. The other night I was looking at her and then looked at my husband’s nose…no…he doesn’t have it. I looked at mine…no…not there. That was from my mom!

I saw a saying the other day….”I looked in the mirror this morning and my mother was looking back at me!”. This made me laugh. But today….it stops me in my tracks. Because I don’t think I can see her there when I’ve outlived her!

Growing up, mom was sick a lot. I remember her being in the hospital or down and even helping nurse her back to health at a very young age. When I got pregnant and had my first three kids so early in life….I truly thought it was because God was allowing me to have a family early on because I wouldn’t live past 40 or so……. But God had other plans.

Mom…I see so much of you in my world. I looked at my home the other day and thought about how much you’d like it! All the natural light….and the blues! I looked around and realized so much of what I have is exactly what you would have liked! I wished you could see it! I see you in my kids. Their smiles and looks sometimes are exactly what you would look like! I see you in my sister. You would be so proud of all she has accomplished….but mostly of who she has become through all of it!

Mom…I see you in me. I still recall so many tender moments we had in the last year of your life. You taught me so much in those last months…..and those are lessons I will carry for the rest of MY life.

Mom…..today….what I need to say….is I SEE you…..but I’m NOT you!

I am one day older than the day you died. And as long as God sees fit to allow me to keep waking up….I’ll be here enjoying my life and my family! I’m going to take care of this temple He has given to me so that my life on this earth can be long. I want to see future generations of our family and tell them about you. I want to share the good parts of you.

But what I must realize mom…is I’m not you. Just because you had to leave this world early….doesn’t mean that I will. For so long, this has been in my mind….back there somewhere nagging at me. But today I’m saying no more. Momma…..I love you still….with everything I am. Tears are flowing as I’m typing this and I’m missing you still…daily. Dang it….I wish you were here. But you aren’t! And I am.

So I’m going to do what you’d want me to do and put the crazy thoughts behind me….move forward and keeping the past in the past. I’ll only take the good with me…and you….and your love for me….are part of the good.

I miss you momma. More than words can describe. But….I’m going to keep getting past this. One day at a time….I’ll be one day older…..

Today…..is just hard.