Well….it happened. Last Friday night my sweet rainbow baby graduated from college with his associates degree….. THREE WEEKS BEFORE HE GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL!
So yes….the tears are flowing…the proud momma heart is beating strong….and my two worlds are definitely colliding!!! But let me share something with you about how this has been a different type of event!
You see….I’ve known this was coming. I’ve known his plans were to get his associates and high school diplomas all in the same month. I’ve known for over 2 years. I have had time to prepare my heart! I have had time to watch him grow. I’ve watched him struggle. I’ve watched him overcome obstacles. I’ve held him while he has cried and hurt….. and I’ve high-fived him when he has had major successes! There has been a lot happen in this past couple years…and it is all his.
When I say my two worlds are colliding….they are…but it isn’t what some people might think.
Some people think when I say that my two worlds are colliding…..I mean that as I’m watching him go through these major hurdles and major accomplishments in life…I’m also, at the same time, trying to imagine each of his brothers going through the same hurdles and accomplishments. They think I try to place each of them where he is….or what he is going through.
That couldn’t be further from the truth!
And it takes me back to over 18 years ago on the day he was to be born.
On the day he was to enter the world…I had just been told he would have to arrive by c-section. I was scared….crying…and feeling like I was robbing his dad of the experience of a natural birth. I was feeling like somehow I was failing. Through all of that emotion…my sister, in her wisest 23 year old voice…told me the following….
“Cheli….God is giving you the gift of another son. He is allowing you to finish what you never finished with the boys. BUT…..(and this is what I want you to pay attention to)..God is bringing this son into the world in a completely different way than his brothers! He is doing this….so that FROM THE VERY BEGINNING….. you will NEVER be able to compare them!!! This son, will have his very own experiences in life…..FROM THE BEGINNING!”
And this has been true ever since that day!
You see…Friday night….I was so focused on what he was accomplishing….on HIM…I didn’t even think of the boys in a “this is what they missed” way…! I didn’t think of the graduations I’ve missed out on since they weren’t here….. I didn’t go there…AT ALL! All I could do was smile…and be proud of HIS accomplishment!! All I could think of was HIM!! The tears I’ve shed haven’t been in the “look at all I’ve missed” realm…but instead in the “I am so stinking proud of this child and LOOK AT WHAT HE HAS DONE!”
Don’t get me wrong….in the moment……I DID think of his brothers! But instead of the “whoa is me….look what I’ve missed thoughts….ALL I had is…..”Look at what your brother has accomplished and I know you’d be so proud of him!” Thoughts!
I thank GOD for him EVERY DAY! Not for just allowing me to finish what I couldn’t before….but for MY SON….for the gift of being his mom.
I’m so humbled God saw fit to allow me to be his momma….to allow me to be a mom again AT ALL! That is a small miracle in itself…since I truly didn’t think I’d have more kids or trust like that again.
Let me also say though…that since Friday, in my alone time, I HAVE gone there. I have gone through the thoughts of where they might be now…what I have missed….what THEY missed! But….I couldn’t imagine snagging them away from heaven to experience those things just so I can say they did!!! If they can’t be here with me….I’m oh-so-very-thankful that instead….they are in a place with no pain, no tears and no sorrow! You see…they don’t know what they missed! They don’t….but I do. I am here…where there is still pain…still tears…and still sorrow.
It is so hard to have my heart both in heaven and here on earth. To miss my boys who aren’t here and want to be with them so badly…yet…to not want to leave here so that I don’t miss anything in the lives of my two kids here on earth with me!!! THIS…..this is where my two worlds collide! In my head and in my heart. In my alone time and in my head!
I’m so thankful though…that God saw fit to allow me this opportunity. To see his graduation….and….to see his senior prom! And then…to look forward to doing the same things…with my daughter!
This, my friend, is what I call God’s grace and mercy! This…is Him showing up…and showing me that even when I felt like I couldn’t….HE CAN! He gave me the gift of life. The gift of continuing my life…even when I didn’t know why I was still here when my heart had left this earth! The gift of new life…with both my son and my daughter! The gift of life….and seeing it continue! This…is the light in the darkness. This…is Jesus. This is His redemptive power!
I leave you with pics of my baby…..of my family…of accomplishments and milestones. I see God in these….I hope you do too!
If you are hurting, as I know so many are, please know I’m lifting you up in prayer. Please know, God has a plan….He has a way….and your life still has a purpose! I know it doesn’t always feel like it….but I am the first to tell you…those feelings are lies!
Much love ~c
My Life as a COMMA! 
Hello Cheli,
Congratulations and blessings to you and everyone.
I am writing here because I am in need of advice. My fiancé was also a victim of tragedy in November of 2016 when her ex husband took the life of her three beautiful children. The way we met and how this relationship started is very spiritual and definately not a coincidence. It was designed by her three Angels. I have faith in that.
I need advice and support on so many aspects of her grief. I want to be the best man I can be for her, and for our baby that is coming by the Grace of God in November.
I would love to speak to you about this and listen to your experience.
I tell her that “Failure is not an option”. We are going to find happiness.
I have faith in her. I have faith in us.
The tears are streaming. Thank you for putting things into perspective even when you don’t know what others are struggling with. Thank you for your transparency. I’m so happy for your family. So thankful for God’s grace. Our babies are growing up and it is so hard to let go and so beautiful to be able to watch them spread those beautiful wings and fly. The Lord is faithful and He gives good gifts. ❤
You are so amazing. I am so proud of Bryce and his accomplishments. You and Brian have done a great job on that kid. I can’t wait to see where God leads our kids. Love ya girl.