My Life as a COMMA!

Read this or don’t…it really doesn’t matter to me. I’ve had so many thoughts swirling in my head…I’m just going to pound on this keyboard and get them all out. This isn’t a feel-good, well-planned blog. This is me….being real…being raw…and just ranting.

22 years ago…..right at this very moment….I saw my two oldest children’s faces for the last time. I gave them hugs for the last time. The truth of the matter is this…..I didn’t even want to see them on this day. You see, they had come to the hospital where my mom had just had surgery. I had asked their dad NOT to bring them because I didn’t know how bad the outcome could have been and I didn’t want them to be there for the initial time when she would get out of surgery. Of course, he brought them anyway. I was annoyed. I had not wanted them to be there for that. They were 11 and 10 and I wanted to soften the blow of the possibility of their grandma being worse. They already knew she wasn’t good…but I wanted to determine how and what to tell them.

Little did I know it would be the last time I’d see them. Their little brother had stayed the night with a friend….so I didn’t see him on this morning. I regret being so irritated. I regret not holding them longer. I regret not taking them with me….and picking up their brother and taking them away for the weekend with me.

I feel selfish for leaving. I have felt guilty for not being there….for not doing SOMETHING to save them. But I don’t know if it ever would have made a difference. It might have….for a day….a week…..a month. I just don’t know.

Before you go all weird about this….I KNOW in my heart I couldn’t have changed anything. I know in my heart of hearts….I’m not guilty for their deaths. I’m just being honest with my thoughts.

I don’t always have it all together. And I’m angry at people who think grief fits into the same box for everyone….that someone should just “get over it”. I have more friends than I care to realize…who’ve lost children, lost loved ones in tragic circumstances….or just suffered loss. IT HURTS.

Time DOESN’T heal all wounds.

THERE IS NO CALENDAR on how long grief should last.

IT NEVER looks the same to everyone.

STOP stuffing those of us grieving into a box!

Tomorrow will be 22 YEARS!!

That is 264 months I’ve lived without them!

That is 8030 days I’ve not had them physically here in my life!

That is 192,720 hours that have passed since they left their earthly bodies!

And that is 11,563,200 minutes that have ticked by without my 3 sons here to love!!!

I say all of this….because IT STILL HURTS!

It hasn’t gone away! I seem fine to almost everyone. I live my new “normal” life all the time…but there are days when the grief is overwhelming and suffocating still. The realization that they would be 33, 32, and 30 right now blows my mind in ways I can’t describe. It is SO STINKING hard to imagine a child who never had the opportunity to grow up as an adult. The way my mind cannot wrap around who they would be hurts…..more than you can understand! I strain at trying to see who they might be…but I just can’t. I see their friends as adults with lives so varied…and have no idea the direction they each would have gone.

People…..stop telling grieving families to “just get over it” or “you should be past this stage by now”. EVERYONE GRIEVES IN DIFFERENT WAYS!

Just because there are times I can tell my “story” and not cry…doesn’t mean I don’t cry and it doesn’t make me sad.

Just because I’m too sad to move on a day that has no real signifigance (i.e. birthday, anniversary) doesn’t mean something must be wrong with me.

Just because I can be fine in one moment, and then my mind goes to something that makes me incredibly sad and cry….and then suck it up and keep moving…does NOT mean I’m not allowing myself to feel my real feelings! It means I’m learning to let a little out at a time and not bottling it up. It means sometimes I have to stop or I’m afraid I won’t stop. It means it still hurts….it ALWAYS will….but I have to keep going. HAVE TO keep going.

I see so many hurting and my heart breaks for them. I see so many being so real and raw with their feelings….with their losses. Yet I also see those who you would never know about their loss. Those who choose to not let their grief and sorrow be seen by others.

What you need to know…is both sets of people….are still grieving. You don’t know if those who never show it break down only when they are alone…so as not to bother others with their grief…or feel like they are a burden because nobody else understands. You also sometimes don’t see those who seem to be sharing all of their grief have the good moments…trying to live life as if it’s all okay.

You just don’t know.

You aren’t them. You don’t know where they were emotionally and spiritually when they suffered their loss. You don’t know how they’ve processed it and allowed themselves to feel it. You don’t know how their heart feels empty and full all at the same time sometimes…and they are trying to find the new balance of life.

You just don’t know.

I don’t even know or claim to understand other people who have lost children. No two instances are the same….or even alike.

What I do know….is it hurts. It hurst deeply. I know what helped me and how I’ve handled it …..for me! I know I can listen and tell them they are loved and they are still “normal”. That what they are feeling is okay. I can’t say I understand…because I don’t.

But………I get it.

I get the hurt….the deep, gut-wrenching agony they feel. The emptiness and void. I get the difficult times when they just don’t know if what they are doing is enough….and they times when they don’t want to keep going and yet they do…all in the same breath. I get they want their past back….they want what they had to be back with them again….but they have to learn to live again in their new life….without the loved one they had here. And it HURTS! It feels like you aren’t honoring them…..and yet it feels like one of the only ways you can honor them is to move on and be happy.

Your life feels like it is ripped into two very distinct pieces. Before…..and after. I know mine is.

My life is defined so much by the day my boys died. There is my life with them….and my life without them.

It hurts to have lived so much life without them. And yet, I’m also proud to say I’ve LIVED so much life without them.

See…..grief is messy. It’s where my two worlds collide! It’s where what I wish for….them being here…them still being a part of my life….gets tied up in my now….my family now….my wonderful two kids and husband….and how they would all be together. It’s the….what I knew and what I know now. It’s the missing so much what I had…but so thankful for what I have now. It’s the wishing and wanting….it’s the missing and the hurting….all mixed in with the living and loving…..the fun times and bad times. It’s all part of me. It’s all part of who I am and how I’m coping.

Do I always cope well? Nope. Do I know what tomorrow holds? Nope.

Do I kick myself for not holding them tighter 22 years ago today? Yes. But not daily….not always. Just sometimes.

Have I learned hard lessons….? You bet.

But grief is messy. There is still a lot to learn.

If you’ve been through it….you know. But you don’t know everyone’s grief story. Not even if they share it with you.

Please…realize you just don’t know what you don’t know. Accept it. Accept THEM!

Be kind. Mention their loved one’s name. You aren’t going to “set them off”. It’s not like they aren’t already thinking about them! Pray for them. Allow them to feel it…allow them to lead and allow them to let you into their grief….or give them space to grieve on their own.

Grief doesn’t fit into a box. There is no textbook answer to what it looks like.

To me…the only completely and utterly correct definition is this….

Grief is messy.

So thankful my God is bigger…so thankful my eternity will be spent with my boys….and my mom…and so many others I love. So thankful this life is temporary. This body isn’t all there is…..and my heart will be healed…one day. So thankful there will be a time….where grief is no more.

To each of you grieving……I get you. I love you. I am praying for you!

~cheli