My Life as a COMMA!

This is so light-hearted today compared to yesterday’s post.  It is such a short and sweet little story..I couldn’t help but share!

Last Wednesday my baby girl had a low-grade fever.  It was my scheduled day off and so I got to stay home with her.  No complaints about that at all!!!  So we had a day of rest and playing.  I thought we were on our way to being mended….but she went to bed Wednesday night with a temp of 99.0 and woke up with a temp of 99.3!  That darned fever just wouldn’t break!  No meds since 8:45 the night before and she slept through the night….but no.  Only problem for mom is that mom….had a speaking event to do during the lunch hour!!  Now, I can call in sick and get someone to cover my job….but really..I can’t get someone to cover at a speaking engagement!  So….dad to the rescue.  Bryan was able to rearrange his schedule to stay home with my princess!  I decided to get her into the Dr. just to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious (because there is a lot of CRUD going around) and had to prepare her that mommy wouldn’t be the one taking her to the Dr. She really didn’t like that idea but seemed to be okay with Dad going.  She developed a cough the night before so I wanted to prepare her for the dreaded swab test.  She said, “NOOOO!  I am NOT doing that!  The last time I did that I like…gagged for 5 seconds!!”  I told her it would be better to gag for 5 seconds than to get worse and go in the hospital and them not know what was wrong with her and the right medicines to give her to make her better! ( I know….not the best mom logic…but it’s all I had!)  So….off they went to see the Dr…and off I went to my speaking engagement. 

Just before my event started I got a text.   “She has strep!!”  GREAT!!!  But….at least we would get meds and she would be on the mend!!! 

So…..later that night…it was just us girls and we were all cuddled up and I was telling her how proud I was of her.  I had heard she was very good at the doctor’s office and was very brave.  With all the confidence in the world she said, “Yeah….the lady that did the test today was WAAAYY better than the last one.  I think I only gagged for like…a couple of seconds instead of 5!”  I laughed!  I told her I was glad she felt that way….

Then…..with all seriousness she looked at me and said….”But mom….I wish dad had held my hand while they were doing the test.”  “Where was dad?”, I asked.  “Well, he was just sitting there reading a magazine.”  As I was soaking it all in and imagining him sitting there trying to get through his baby not liking what was happening by hiding behind some magazine….I realized she was starting to change expressions. I could see some deep thought in her face.  I waited………..and she says…..

“But you know mom…..I guess if I wanted him to hold my hand…I should have just asked him.”   “OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH baby girl,” I said, “Let me just tell you right now that if there is ever any thing you want from a boy or a man…..you HAVE to tell them what it is!”  She just looked at me and smiled.  I told her that boys don’t understand what is going on in our heads and we have to tell them everything!  She told me she didn’t get it.  I said, “Well….they just don’t GET us!”  And with all seriousness…..she looked at me and said…… “But mom….they MARRY us!”  I said, “Yes, they marry us because they love us…..not because they understand us!” 

With that ….. just burst into this laughter….that I will cherish until the day I die!

Laugh with someone today!  It is a blessing to you…and to them!   ~c

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This is going to be a difficult post.  It is a difficult subject.  Please know that I am speaking from my heart…and through my faith.  You are welcome to disagree.  I encourage you to comment….but please be kind.  ~c

There have been so many hurting…so many tragedies around me lately.  I spent a lot of time on my swing outside last night…just laying there listening to the waterfall of my pond and talking with God.  Many tears fell during that conversation…and for some time…I just had to be still…because there were no words.  This morning I awoke to get ready for work….and my mind turned immediately to those who I know are hurting.  I began to pray.  That, for now, is all I can do.

In my bathroom as I was preparing for the day…I looked up and saw a plaque I have that hangs on the wall next to where I get ready every morning.  It says, “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle; I just wish He didn’t trust me so much!”  It is attributed as a quote of Mother Teresa.  I have had that in the same spot for over nine years.  I remember feeling that very feeling.  I had just had my second miscarriage.  You see, between Bryce and Breanna…..I had two miscarriages.  After the second miscarriage and the surgery I underwent…I remember telling Bryan that I couldn’t do this any more.  I couldn’t try for another child.  I couldn’t allow myself the possible hurt of losing another child.  I couldn’t imagine the thought of more pain…I thought….it was more than I could comprehend.  Well, I guess you all know how that turned out…..a while after that…God softened my heart…and with His strength..I tried again.  This time…my beautiful daughter was born.  It was only in His strength that I was able to move past my fear of pain and into the possibility of being hurt again or experiencing joy again.

Never will I leave you or forsake you….. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  from Deuteronomy 31:8

Someone posted this morning on facebook that the saying that is on my plaque isn’t necessarily true…..that God gives us more than we can handle to see if we will trust Him with the parts we can’t handle.  Made me really start thinking.  I remember seeing the plaque in a magazine shortly after my miscarriage and thinking I soooo needed that because that is EXACTLY how I felt.  But I also remember, several years later looking at that plaque and thinking I don’t know if I agree.  You see….there are several places in the bible that tell us to rejoice in our sufferings.  You see…many people seem to think that this life is supposed to be all peaches and cream….easy….and free from burdens.  But that isn’t what scripture says.  Scripture tells me in Romans 5:3 & 4, “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  and in James 1:2 & 3, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  So honestly, how can we NOT expect to have trials and tragedies in our lives?  The question here is….do you try to conquer those trials in your own strength and understanding???? or do you allow God to walk  you through them?  …. searching for the message, or the “silver lining” in whatever situation it may be???

Here are my thoughts…..  I believe that first…..it isn’t always God that gives these trials to us.  I believe that what God did give us is free will.  The will to make our own choices and not be forced to love Him, trust Him and obey Him.  Proverbs 19:3 says, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”  In other words, we choose our destiny and then get angry at God when it isn’t what we expected.  I know some will argue that we can’t choose everything that happens to us.  I agree.  Look at my story.  I didn’t choose what happened.  Never in a million years would I make that choice.  My entire life is now a consequence of someone else’s actions.  BUT……what we can choose is how we react.  Our reaction to our own or other’s choices is our own.  No one can make it but us.  No one can tell me that I HAVE to stay sad or angry or upset or whatever it may be.  No one can make me choose to go on.  Those are all choices I must make for myself.  No one can make me choose to continue to move forward…to seek God….to allow myself to heal….to look for something positive in every situation.   That is where faith steps in.  I looked at that plaque one day and realized that I should be thankful He gives me so much.  Because to me…that means He has faith in ME….faith that I will walk through each valley with HIM!!

Now….the question of does He give us too much…or even does He allow too much…. 

Never will I leave you or forsake you…… Those are words from God.  He doesn’t lie.  He doesn’t change.  So why would I ever doubt this is true?  Because I am human, that is why.  The question about the tragedy of suicide often comes into play when discussions about this topic arise.  My thoughts are……  No, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle ………. WITHOUT HIM!  That is the part most people don’t get.  Most people don’t do all of their lives with GOD.  Often, we look at situations through our emotions, our own hearts…our past situations and wounds….and we react.  We react in our own weakness.  Not feeling strong enough to go through the difficult valleys. 

You’ve heard people say…”I only took my eyes off the road for a second.”  or “I just looked away for a split second.” and in that split second…anything can happen.  Your car can cross the center line…..another vehicle can hit you….a toddler can fall into a pool….you can make a wrong choice.  Well, to me it is no different in most situations…including suicide.  For even a split second….if we take our eyes off of God…. if we stop seeing things through His eyes and using His strength and only rely on our own…then …that is when we react…we make wrong choices.  Many people say that suicide is selfish.  I have thought that at times myself.  But now…I see it through God’s eyes.  I see that a person cannot see how…in their own strength…they can ever move past the situation they are in.  The act of suicide in this instance, to me, is not selfishness….it is sheer desperation.  It is the feeling of hopelessness….that they can’t see past.  It is that split second…that they have taken their eyes off of HIM….who can save them….and only been able to see hopelessness…..in their own strength.  You can’t blame someone for being human…for not feeling strong enough.  Never should we judge someone else’s fear or doubt….because it happens to all of us.

So…I believe that God doesn’t EVER give us more than we can handle.  He doesn’t mess up.  We do though.  But the cool thing is His word tells us that He can take all of our mess ups and turn them for good!  I choose to share what happened to me now….not to boast in my own strength…but to show others that with HIS strength.  THAT…is hope.  THAT is Him turning something so tragic…into good.  Me, choosing to get up….everyday and do life over again…to remarry…to have more kids…..to just go forward…..somehow offers hope to others.  But it wasn’t me.  It was Him.  All that I did….was make the choice…..the choice to trust Him.  To trust that He would use it for good.  To hope that one day I would experience joy and blessings again.  And look at all I would have missed out on had I chosen to take my eyes off of Him…and try to do it in my own strength!

If your life seems difficult…lean into His strength.  If you don’t know how…ask someone for help.  Every situation…and I mean EVERY situation … is like a double-edged sword.  YOU CHOOSE which side of the sword you will fall on. 

I choose to trust Him.  To know that this world is temporary.  To understand that my eternity will have no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death, no more tragedy.  I look forward to those days…..and that….helps me make the choices I make today.

Be blessed today.  Feel blessed always.  Every day is a new day….new possibilities await you…..and everything in the past is in the past.  Keep moving forward.  You never know who you might help…just by getting up..out of bed …. and moving forward!

Much love ~c

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Today my heart is hurting so badly for a family right now.  Yesterday they had to say their good byes to their 3-year-old son.  Last night as I was driving home after hearing the news…..many thoughts came flooding to my mind.  The one that stood out though is the memory of riding in the family car from the church to the cemetery.  I remember seeing all the people pulled over to allow the funeral procession to pass and thinking how they were just being a little bit inconvenienced in their lives….how unfair it was….because I didn’t have the same life to go back to today.  I remember how it felt when everybody went back to their lives and I had to reinvent mine.  I had, what seemed like, nothing to go back to.  It made me hurt so badly for this mom.  I know the feeling of not knowing how to go on….of not knowing how to get past this difficult time.

My prayer for her and this family is that they will allow themselves to completely crawl into the lap of God and allow Him to hold them while they heal.  To understand His love for them.

The following is a journal entry I wrote on May 22, 2008.  This was just after the tragedy that happened in the Steven Curtis Chapman home…and some other tragedies closer to home.  It is fitting and my feelings are still the same.  So I will let my words from that day express my feelings of today….

WHY??????

The other night I felt like God told me specifically to change my thoughts about this blog and use it to share more of myself, my story and basically start over. I will do that….but right now, I just have to be transparent.

Right now I just feel like crying out to God and saying, “Enough already! I don’t get WHY you bless us with such a beautiful gift as our children and then allow them to be taken away!” I have been there. I know I am not the first and unfortunately won’t be the last….BUT ENOUGH! Babies being born with something wrong. Mommies and Daddies learning that while their beautiful child is still being formed in the womb that something is gravely wrong and that baby will never grow into the child they had dreamed about! Beautiful children being born completely healthy and then struck with a terrible disease that ravages their body and then takes them from their family. And children having completely wonderfully lives and then tragically being taken from our world!

I know, I know….the Lord giveth and He taketh away. I know death is a part of life…and I will praise Him daily for all of it….but right now my frustration cries out to HIM “WHY??” As tears roll down my face with pain for the families I know right now who are dealing with this and the families I don’t even know who are dealing with this…..I know all I can do is pray. Pray for peace in the midst of the darkness. Pray for the moments of calm and rays of sunshine to shine through the clouds. And in time, for the moments of memories to bring happy tears to their eyes for the time they were blessed with their children instead of thoughts of anger and pain for their loss! As I ramble and hurt…..I guess I just wish there was something I could do to make it all go away. I wish their was something I could do to take away their pain. I wish for some kind of something…anything..that would allow our world to never have to suffer the pain of the loss of a child…in any matter…at any age. But it is when I am here, questioning and hurting, that my Father gently holds me and reminds me that He understands. He too, lost a child. He too, buried His son. He too, went through the darkness…and wept. But it is because of His loss, His pain and suffering that we can REJOICE! Rejoice in the knowledge that one day soon, we will be with our children again! We will run to them and be able to hold them as we long to today and be with them for eternity! We can rejoice in the knowledge of Him holding them and taking care of them until we can be together again! Thank you Lord, for giving Your Son, for you sacrifice. Accept me as I hurt, cry, scream, question, and rejoice all in the same breath. I ache for my children….I ache for others who have lost their children…..I ache for the time we will all be together again.

Thank you for the blessings of them. Thank you for the blessings of my friends and family now. Thank you for giving me your word to know that all of this is temporary. That the separation from my children will only last a moment…and we will all be together forever! I praise you for that!

“10. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
I Peter 5:10-11

~cheli

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Ok…this is going to be another proud mommy blog.  I have seen a snapshot into both of my kid’s hearts the past few days and I just want to share a couple of stories about how these glimpses have made my heart smile!

The other night at dinner, Miss Breanna was wiping off the table while her dad and I were still eating!  She was showing us how the lunch ladies at school “were so good …  that they could go right around anyone still left at the table and just get their cleaning done!”  In the middle of her demonstration…she said, “OK….now…I want each of us to go around and take turns telling each other one way that God has blessed you today!”  SO CUTE! So we shared our stories…

Bryce’s showed his heart……he said, “Well, God blessed me today in the library.  I was helping the librarian and she was getting really frustrated because the fourth graders were being so rowdy and not listening.  I saw that there was still a lot to do….so while she was trying to get on to them ..(mom smiling here because he is such a BIG 5th grader!)…I picked up ALL the books and just started putting everything up and back on the shelves where they belong.”  I told him that was fantastic and that I am sure he blessed her by doing so!  He says, “Yea mom, I was blessed because she came to me and was almost in tears when she thanked me for helping out!”  Awwww…..how sweet is he???

Then…… there is last night.  We did break down and allow Bryce to have a phone for Christmas!  Well….last night the kids were in their classes at church…and Bryan and I were each at different houses at our own bible study classes.  Well…..almost time to leave and I get a text from Bryce!  “Mom, I need you to be here by 8:35 immediately!”  To which I reply….”Ok bud.   I am on my way!”  He replies, ” k thanks…it is freaking hectic here  love u”.  (OK…I said he is sweet, not perfect! ;-))  I sent what time my clock said to check with him and he says my time is right.  Then he sends, “I regret saying this but I’m pissed off right now”.  So of course I drive a little faster to get him.

When I pick the kids up he is ok and says we can talk when we get home…he didn’t want to say anything in front of his sister.  So at home he shares that he and his friend had watched two kids start giving out threats and it came to them swinging at each other and then saying stuff to his friend.  “Mom, I just walked away with my friend but that was just bothering me they weren’t listening and then kept doing it!”  But then he breaks down in tears and says he is really mad at himself for using that word!  I ask him what word and he says he won’t say it again.  Again….which word?  He goes and gets his phone and pulls up our texts and points to the word pissed.  I just hugged his neck and told him I appreciate his wanting to be better…but let’s focus on the good.  He walked away….he told an adult….he did what he was supposed to do!  Out of all of that….he was upset he had used a “bad” word!  Again….Awwwww!  Did I mention he is a literal child?

Then…this morning.  Getting ready is sometimes a really easy thing.  Then….there are those days when my daughter thinks that the words “hurry up” mean that instead of an hour to only take thirty minutes to do a task that should only  take 3 minutes in the first place!!!  So…today was THAT day!  My sweet boy comes and asks if he can call his Gramma.  This is code for….”Can I call to see if she will bring me lunch today?”  so I said no.  He tells me he wants to call for sissy since she is running late and doesn’t like today’s menu.  So of course…I say yes.  Then…when gramma isn’t able to come….he helps pack her lunch and get her things ready!  I love these moments!

Ok…last but not least..on the way to school.  Driving them to school we chat and then I say let’s do our morning prayers…..Bryce starts.  He prays for our days….asking God to be with each of us as we are apart and keep us safe and bring us back together.  Then Breanna prays….  She says, “Lord….please be with our friend’s mom who has cancer.  Please let her know that while she is going through this you are right beside her.  Please be beside her through all this hard time and help us know what we can do to help them.”  Did I mention she is only 8?

Well…that’s it for now.  My kids are nowhere NEAR as perfect as I might make them out to be!  We also had an argument over smacking our cereal this morning and who chews the loudest!!  But I am so thankful for these glimpses into their hearts!  So thankful that they can be so “kingdom minded” at times and that He is growing their hearts!  Makes this momma’s heart smile!!!!

These little glimpses reminded me of this scripture…

“Look out for one another’s interests, no just for your own.”  Philippians 2:4

I think if we could all take a few moments throughout the day and think of others…..it would bless us more than we could ever realize!

Make it a great day!  Make yours….and someone else’s heart smile today!

~c

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Ok…..so you know that these days coupons are everywhere!   There are coupon classes, there are websites devoted entirely to the use of coupons, there are even the best of the best coupon users on the news.  Even the financial channels are talking about people using coupons!

Well, this morning I heard about coupons in a whole different manner.  So I’d like to share this with you!

I went to the Praise and Worship service with my kiddos this morning.  The scripture used was this, “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we have been redeemed.” Isaiah 53:5 There are a lot of big words in there….transgressions…..iniquities……..and he explained to the kids what each of them meant.  But it is his explanation of redeemed that really got me to thinking.

He asked the kids if they knew what a coupon was for.  They all raised their hands and said it was for getting something cheaper….even for FREE!

Ding! Ding! Ding! That’s it!  Now….here it is.  Christ has paid the price for our sins.  He did it for ALL of us.  Not just the elite….not just for the rich….not just for Americans…..not just for people who go to church…..not just for people who dress a certain way…….not just….ok…you get it…for ALL of us!  No matter what you or I have done or will do…..all of it is forgiven!  Those iniquities and transgressions……gone.  As far as the east is from the west ……paid for.  Forgiven.  So it is out there……like a coupon….just waiting for something.  So…..just as you have to “redeem” a coupon.  That means that all those coupons for free pizzas…free ice cream….sitting in my drawer won’t do me a bit of good….unless I take them out and take them to the store and “redeem” them.  Just because they are in my drawer doesn’t mean someone is going to just show up with that free pizza and ice cream!  It just doesn’t work that way!  Well, neither does the saving grace of our Lord.  We have to do something with it!  We have to accept in our hearts that Christ has paid the price already and that no matter how “good” we are….we just can’t do it alone!  Then we have to redeem God’s coupon.  We have to turn over our lives to Him.  Think about it.  The physical act of handing over that coupon and them ringing up the ticket….you see that minus sign at the bottom of your receipt……..that is what God wants to do.  He wants to minus out all of our sins…..to show us that the bridge to him has already been built…..but the one missing plank in the bridge to that relationship with Him ….. is waiting for us to just redeem our coupon!

Now tell me……if you realized that there is a coupon out there that says….

This coupon is redeemable for one life…..

Forgiven of all sins….

Guaranteed to never be alone…..

A hope that this life is just temporary, and that your eternity will be spent in a glorious place with the God of the Universe….

Nothing can ever change the rewards once this coupon has been redeemed!….

Price of coupon already paid by my son, Jesus Christ.  Nothing you can do can ever pay for what this coupon could help you experience.

Failure to use this coupon during life on earth will result in an eternity of separation from God in a fiery pit.

Coupon must be redeemed during your lifetime before the expiration of your body.

What do you think?  Would you use it? Would you stop for just a moment and just realize that since the price…..a very high price….has already been paid for your life……AND…..since there is definitely NOTHING you can do on your own to match the value of this coupon…….. would you redeem this coupon?

All you have to do is say, “Jesus, I need you.  I believe that you are the Son of God and that you died for ME!  I thank you for paying the price for me and I want to redeem this coupon in order to live my life with you!  To live my life FOR you!  I am broken.  I am hurting.  I ask that you come into my heart and fill up the spot that has been waiting for you.  Thank you, Lord.”  AMEN!

Friends……  my prayer today is that you understand and know that you have already been redeemed.  Revelations 3:20 says this, “Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Maybe God is knocking….just asking you to open the door to Him.  I promise if you do it…..if you turn your life over to Him and allow Him to work…….you will be AMAZED at just what He can do!

I’ve redeemed my coupon!  Now….have you?  ~c

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A lot has happened since my last post.  I can’t believe it has been almost two months since I shared a blog!!

December is a wonderful and yet difficult month for me!  I am blessed to have a birthday, my daughter, sister and cousins also have birthdays during this month!  It is also a beatiful time celebrating the birth of our Lord.

For me it is also a difficult time.  1.) My mother LOVED Christmas!  And she decorated the WHOLE house!  And I do too, for the most part.  This time it just was very difficult.  I am not sure why.  Never could pin it down.  But I had totes sitting out in my living room for almost a week before I pulled myself together and decorated.  It was all good…..but many totes still had decorations in them.  My to-do list for this year is to decide what to keep and what to give away so this doesn’t keep happening!  2.) My birthday……I honestly don’t care about my age…really!  This year I just missed my mom.  Again, can’t explain what the triggers were…but I just missed having her around. 3.) This is the month that started some really difficult times in my first marriage.  enough said.

So….new year.  I can tell that God has been speaking to my spirit and asking more of me.  I have been doing a lot of reading of scripture and some awesome books that are shaping me and speaking to me.  I am also trying to remain very open to what He is saying to me.  I want to hear His voice…not anyone else’s…including my own.  My voice often tells me that even though I have come through so much….there are still some things that are too hard…  Or my voice says things like…. how can you consider counseling others when your own heart still has so much difficulties????  You aren’t good enough.  But I have had the voice of Christ screaming at me that what I have done….what I still do to mess things up…doesn’t matter.  What matters is my heart.  What matters is my heart knowing HE is enough.  HE is the one who will speak through me.  HE is the one who has already carried me through so much and will continue to carry me.  Also….my heart wanting more…wanting to know Him, to serve Him and to be more like Him.  These are the things that matter.  I am truly starting to believe it.  I am beginning to believe that I was put here for more than the existance I have been living out.  I have a story to tell and if it will help others and it is what He is asking me to do……then I will share it.  No matter what.  That for me….is all in.

My pastor this past weekend shared a fired up sermon about being all in!  About holding nothing back from God and giving Him our everything.  That is truly what I want.  Does it scare me at all?????  YOU BET your sweet patooty it does!!!!  But it also gives me hope.  Hope that there is more than the mere existance of just being on this earth to work…raise a family…watch some TV…..go on a few vacations…  No…there is more.  There is an opportunity to CHANGE other peoples lives.  To welcome and introduce people into the KINGDOM of GOD!!  WOW!  To make a difference in someone’s life.  To show them hope through Him.  To show them purpose.  To show them love.

To live on purpose.  That is what I want.  I don’t want to see things just come and go.  I want a plan and a purpose.  A vision for my life!  I know God has had this in mind all along!  “It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.  Long before we first heard of Christ,….he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.”  Ephesians 1:11 (the Message) Honestly, I would hate to miss it.  To miss what His plans have been for me all along.

Slowly but surely I am beginning to understand.  There has been an awful lot of loss around me lately.  Just yesterday I saw a good friend bury the love of her life.  Then I received a note to pray for someone who had lost their son on Christmas.  If I can touch these people…through prayer….or even my story….then that is what I am supposed to do.  Going through all that I have been through will definitely mean so much more if I can use it to glorify the Kingdom of God.  If I can share and bring hope to one…then that is what I shall do.

Please pray for me as I embark upon this mission.  It has been there all along…but I want to do this more on purpose.  What that looks like is still being revealed to me….but I am more excited now than I have ever been.  Excited to be a vessel…to be used to pour out a message of hope….forgiveness and of love.

My prayer for each of you is that He will stir within you a desire to be all in!  He will show you the vision for your life and that you will be as excited about it I as I am for mine!

Blessings ! ~c

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Have you ever had a heart that was overflowing with happiness and joy and yet, at the same time, be filled with sadness?  That was my yesterday.

The sadness…….because yesterday marked the 13th year since my mother passed from this life to her eternal reward.  It was a difficult day.  Allow me to share some memories with you…

My mother had been sick for quite some time.  She was diagnosed with a metastatic breast cancer in her liver in February of 96.  She was only given about 6 months to live.  She fought hard.  She battled and decided to live the rest of her life with every ounce of vigor she could muster.  She continued to work through her treatments.  She continued to support and love me through my tough times (I was going through my divorce during her illness and then the boy’s death was in February of 97.).  She lived a lot of life in the 1 year and 9 months after her diagnosis.  If you have heard me speak….I usually say that we lived every holiday…weekend…day….of the year from February of 96 through February of 97 as if it was going to be mom’s last……when….in all actuality…it was my boy’s last.  You just never know.  We are not promised tomorrow at any age.

My mother believed in angels.  She read about them and talked about them a lot.  Well……as she neared her last days, we all gathered together.  My dad, grandma, sister and her fiance, Matt, myself and Bryan (my then fiance) all stayed at my parents house. On Friday night we all let mom and dad rest and we (Matt, Heather, Bryan and myself) played some games and stayed up late talking in the living room.  We all slept on the couches.  But on Saturday…so much happened.  Mom was in so much pain.  I remember calling her hospice nurse to see if there was anything else I could do because she was in so much pain.  The nurse told me that she shouldn’t be.  I told her mom had taken me by the arm and said, “You just don’t understand how bad it hurts!”.  It broke my heart!!  Anyway, again the 4 of us stayed in the living room Saturday night.  We were all tired.  It had been an emotional day.  We knew.  We all knew the end was near.  It wasn’t anything we were ready for.  So we all slept.

Well, about 1:30 a.m. the phone rang.  I was next to it and answered.  I honestly don’t remember if it was a man or a woman’s voice…..or even who they asked for.  All I know is that it was a wrong number….and I believe it was an angel.  And here is why.  ….

My father came in and asked me to come check on mom with him after he came out to ask who had been on the phone.  When I went into her room….her breathing was very labored.  I knew that this was a sign that we were within 24 hours of her death.  I told dad to do something…maybe go wake up my grandmother….but he left me in the room with mom….  and I prayed.  I remembered my grandmother breathing just like mom was breathing the day that she died.  I remember that it was almost 20+ hours before gramma actually died after I saw her like that and I told God I just couldn’t do it…..  I DID NOT have the strength to sit there and watch mom labor to breathe much longer.  I had tried…so hard…to be strong.  But the wound of just losing my boys 9 months before was still fresh and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to endure much more.  So I sat there….and prayed.  I remember holding mom’s hand….stroking her hair and talking to her.  I remember thinking how much I loved her but didn’t want her to keep hurting.  I remember her waking up…something the nurses said she couldn’t do….turning her head to look at me…and me telling her it was ok…ok to let go….ok to stop fighting.  I told her we all loved her and were so proud of how she fought…but that she didn’t have to fight any more.  Then….she closed her eyes again.  Every one in the house was in the room.  We were all there…..all around her when at 2:36 a.m. she took her last breath.  And I know….if it weren’t for the angel that dialed the phone….we all would have just woken up to her being gone.  I don’t know how I would have handled that but I am thankful I was there….that we all were there to support her, to love her…and to support and love one another.

Yes, my heart is filled with sadness….  Losing my mom has been difficult.  I still remember…after Bryan and I were married and had gotten a new bed….I ran to the living room, picked up the phone….and dialed the number to call and have my mom come look!  But I remembered….mom wasn’t here!  The pain never goes away.

Now for the joy….the overflowing happiness.  This month is National orphan’s month and through our church we have “adopted” 2 children in our system for Christmas.  We also have pictures at church of different children in our system that need a “forever home”.  I chose a 16 year old, Desirea, to pray for.  Bryce chose a 12 year old, Elmer, to pray for.  And Breanna, she chose a young boy named Trevor to pray for.  So every day…meal time…bed time…awake time…any time…we are praying specifically for these kids.

Well, last night Breanna was praying at bed time.  She was praying so fervently that God would bless Trevor with a home and a family that loved him.  She started praying that God would give Trevor what she already had…a family.  She thanked God for what He had given her and then she broke down. And my friends, she broke hard.  This lasted for quite some time.  When she was able to stop crying….she asked me this.  “Why did God choose to give me a family but He didn’t give one to Trevor?”  Again, tears…….  I told her God loves both her and Trevor the same.  But some parents make bad choices or some things happen.  It doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us.  She said….”then why did he make Trevor an orphan?”  I don’t know how to answer all these questions.  I know this seems like it would give me a sad heart…but the truth is…I am so proud of her heart!  I am so proud…because at her age, I don’t think I realized or cared about orphans or others the way that she does.  This literally took about an hour to get her calmed down.  And then this morning as I dropped her at school she told me, “Mom, I am still praying for Trevor. …. But today I am going to try not to be so sad.”.  Just joy.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1:27

After my mother died….I had my family…my dad and my sister….and so many others that helped me through.  At times, I felt like I had been orphaned. But I knew better.  My feelings were never that for very long because the love of others was always there for me to show me how much I was loved.

My prayer is that Trevor, Elmer and Desirea have that as well.  Although they may be orphans….that the love of others will carry them through.  And the prayers of others will some how change their lives.

I pray the same for you…that you will know that you have touched someone else’s life.  That you are loved….more than you can imagine.  If you feel alone….know that God almighty, maker of the heavens and earth….is there for you.  He is your Father and loves you more than you can imagine.    Thank you, Father….for loving me.  Thank you for allowing me to have so many in my family that I love so very much!

I love you mom!  And I love you boys!  I am gonna hang out here loving on the family and friends I have for a while longer……..until we meet again! ~c

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Today has been an interesting day.  Today is the first day after we set our clocks back!  An extra hour of sleep!  HOW GLORIOUS! 

But today is filled with a huge memory….one I can never erase…or would ever want to.

You see…..the last time we set our clocks back and my boys were still here on this earth with me…the funniest thing happened.  My now, best friend Jennifer was staying with me and sleeping on the couch.  She said that my sweet Caleb was the first one up that morning.  He walked into the entry way of our house.  Caby didn’t know that she was awake and watching him.  He proceeded to do his morning exercises and stretches.  I think it was the swish of his pants that alerted Jen to his arrival (Hey…it was in the 90s and wind pants were in!)  And then, she tells me, that after he was finished with his exercises……he looked out the little window by the front door.  It was then that he said, “Spring forward, faaaaaaallllllllll back!”.  And with the fall back……he did just that!  He fell backwards onto the floor!  I can still imagine him doing it.  Even though I was not the one who saw it…I can see it in my mind. 

Not one year has gone by that when we set our clocks back I think of him doing that!  Falling back…..literally onto the floor.  How sweet and how innocent.  How literal children are. 

This is where the confessions come in.  I have a story to share about Breanna. 

The other night after work I met my family for dinner.  We enjoyed a nice evening out.  My parents had brought my husband and kids and I met them at the restaurant.  After dinner, my family rode home with me.  My son was having some very engaging conversation on the way home.  ( I will share this at another time…..cuss words and 11 year olds!!  JEESH!)  So during this conversation…it didn’t seem very odd to me that my sweet, little girl was very quiet.  I did hear her make a few noises…like the nose sound…you know…the one when you are stopped up and don’t blow your nose…??  That is it…and she has some allergies so I didn’t think much of it.  Well, on this twenty minute drive home…I hadn’t given much thought to her being so quiet until we walked in and my son asked, “Sissy, are you ok?”.  It was then that I noticed her and she seemed to have been, maybe crying.  I asked her if she had been crying or if she was just kind of stopped up.  To my amazement…she had been crying.  I tried to recall our conversation and if there was any part of it that would have made her so upset…..and couldn’t remember anything.  So I asked her to sit with me and explain why she had been crying.  This is what she told me……..

“Well…mom….you see….I was praying to God.. and in my prayer I decided to ask God if He loved me, really loved me….for Him to show me His light.”  She paused….and I waited.  “And then when you turned the corner…I looked up and I saw four stars.”  At this point she burst into tears and she just held me.  When she calmed down she continued.  “When I saw those stars…it reminded me of my brothers, Cody, Cory and Caleb.  And mommy, I knew that the fourth star was God.  After you drove for a bit….I couldn’t see the three stars any more, but the one star I could see the whole way home.”  By now, I was in tears as well.  I asked her, “Well, baby girl, how do you feel about that?”.  She told me that at first it made her sad but that now it was making her happy.  She said that she knew that God had answered her prayer.  I said, “Well, you do know that God loves you?”.   To which she replied, “I know that mom!”. (she could’ve just said DUH! the way she said it!)  It was a sad/happy and absolutely beautiful moment.  I am so proud of her. 

Then this morning, I was trying to get her ready for church.  We slept in and were taking it kinda easy and she had a lot to do still.  She jumped in the shower and I knew she needed to get out.  She kept stalling…and kept stalling.  Finally, mom had had enough!  Time to get out!  I made her get out and get busy.  She stood there…in her towel with tears coming down her face. When I told her we needed to get busy so we could make it to church and she needed to stop playing so that we could get ready……….she put me in my place.

“Mommy, I was just trying to pray.  I wasn’t playing.  Remember when we used to take showers together and we would sit in there for a long time and just pray and talk?  Well, that is when I like to talk to God…in the shower.  And that is all I was trying to do was pray!”  More tears.  I had to stop myself.  In my rush…..I had forced her to stop doing the very thing I want her to do more than anything……..pray.  In my going on about “normal” business…..I had missed the moment when she was testing God and He was showing off to her! 

My confession is this……..  It seems as if what I am trying to teach my daughter…to have a personal relationship with God….not just “go to church” or “be a part of religeon”. I want her to know Him as Father, Counselor, Friend, Healer, Savior, Lord and every single part of Him there is.  But….I am so busy living the life of this world…#1….I am not always modeling that in my own life.  #2…. I am missing her doing just that!   #3…..I am telling her to do one thing and then when she is doing what I ask…I get onto her because the world says………we have to do things differently. 

I want to find the balance.  I want to teach my children how to have it…I want it…and I want to figure out how to live in this world while we have it.  My eternal life can begin now.  It is not just after I die…..it is here on this earth.  He wants so much for me!  My God wants so much for all of us!  We can have it!  There is a balance.  And believe it or not…..we are the ones that have to find it. There is no miracle math…no miracle formula to say if you do this much God will do that much and you will always be happy!  Nope…life doesn’t work that way. 

My plaque on my desk says this……..

DEAR GOD,        Help me remember there is nothing today YOU can’t handle, and there is NOTHING today I can handle without YOU.

If there is any magic formula….this has to be it.  Don’t do it on your own.  I have tried…….and failed miserably.  I keep trying….I am kind of a control freak. But the times I give it over to Him………it just goes much smoother. 

My prayer is this…….I always walk with Him……and that my children learn to do the same.  I guess my baby girl is teaching mommy this week!  Much love! ~c

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That's my football player!!!

Here is my sweet boy, Bryce in all his football gear!  What a boy!  Well….this past Saturday was his last season game.  His team was 8-0 going into this game!  The boys were pumped up!  They had practiced four nights the week before and had practiced for over an hour before the game started.  Then……it started.  The other team got the ball and on their first drive they scored a touchdown!!! =(

And then…within a few minutes…..they scored another touchdown!  Our boys seemed defeated.  Now yes…the other team was a MUCH bigger team…some of those boys were bigger than our boy’s dads!!!  But our boys mustered their courage and their strength and they played with all their might.  But in the end…..they lost 32-0.  It was a hard fought loss….but a loss just the same.  The boys gathered round to listen to their coach…and PRAISE GOD for a coach that told them to hold their heads up high.  Praise Him that our coach told them as long as they went out there on that field and played for the parents and grandparents who took them to every practice and to know they did their best……!  Then as they were told to break it down…(football talk for the little chant they do in their huddle!)…the boys pointed to another boy to do it who was visibly upset!  Then…my sweet boy went over and got a hug from his PaPa.  Then, when he saw me….he came at me and head butted my chest and just started crying.  I held him and he held me…tightly!  I looked and several of the boys were crying.  Not because they are wimps and couldn’t handle it…but because losing hurts.  This was a loss to them.  A big one!  This also was the end of the season.  Their last game together of this year.

Then, last night my son got to go to the freshman football game.  Our high school team was in the state championship!  My best friend’s son plays for the team and these boys have been together for quite a while.  They are winners..  They play hard and they play to win.  But it didn’t happen last night.  Last night they lost.  They fought hard and only lost 25-18…..but it was still a loss.  And my friend told me that after the game the boys were all coming up to her and the other parents and hugging them and crying!  Sounded all too familiar.  But again, it is not because they were wimps and couldn’t handle to lose.  It is because it is a loss.  It is something we had hoped for and not been able to achieve.  But thankfully, the varsity coach was there to tell them that although this season was over…..he was sooooo excited to have this team move up and to work with them next season!

Did you catch that….??   next season…… so…even though there was a loss….even though this season is over…..there will be a next season!!!

It is kind of like that in life.  It reminds me of these verses….

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This sums it all up.  There are times for everything.  I think that looking forward to something so much and then not achieving it……like a win of a big game……is perfectly ok.  But remember… there will be another season.

Maybe it isn’t football for you….maybe it is a relationship that has become toxic….or just drifted apart.  It doesn’t mean that it didn’t mean a lot to you at the time…it just means that maybe there is something else out there now and the other person is going a different way too.  Nobody has to be right….or wrong.  Just different seasons of each of your lives.

Maybe you have become comfortable in a job, your marriage….or whatever…..but know that you should move forward instead of standing still.  Take action…..learn that the next season might be EVEN BETTER than the one you are in right now!  Know that if you take that next step toward a dream of a better life…better marriage….better relationship….better you…yes...you might end up hurt.  AND…you might even fail….so go ahead and cry….weep for a while.  But get up…dust yourself off…and start all over again!!  For another season….another time is waiting for you….but you cannot achieve it if you don’t try.

Now….our team does get to go to the playoffs…and play again.  We will see what happens.  But no matter what I am proud of those boys.  They achieved a lot this season.  A lot they can build upon for NEXT season!

I love you, Bryce!  I will always cheer you on…..and hold you when you cry! ~mom

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Do you ever wake up with a song going through your head?  Well…I do…every day!  This is one of the reasons I have been listening to so much Christian radio and music.  Because I know that the more I listen to it…the more it permeates into my heart.

This is what I woke up to this morning…..the words to the song “You are more” were going through my head.  The chorus kept going over and over and over in my head.  Well….I can usually move on to other songs…but not today.  This song has not stopped playing in my head!  So I decided to find all the lyrics and see what I’m supposed to get from this song.

The chorus that keeps playing is this….

You are more than the choices that you’ve made.

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.

You are more than the problems you create.

You’ve been remade!

I love this!  Because it is so true!  And so many times…not only do we feel too broken to move forward or too messed up to be loved…..but we feel like we are stuck in a mundane life and just going through the motions.  And that those motions don’t mean anything.  But they do!!!

You see….I am not just a mom.  I am not just a mom that “babysits” my kids until they can take care of themselves.  I don’t just do their laundry and cook for them and tell them what to do!  I am a guide to this life for them!  I am their mentor!  I am the leader of the path they will follow in order to become not just happy, proficient members of society when they become an adult..but I am the leader they will follow to become fully devoted followers of Christ!  I am not just a cook…..I am here to teach them that their body is the temple of God and that they need to take care of themselves and their bodies!  I am here to guide their minds, their hearts and their physical needs until they can take care of it themselves.  And when they turn 18….although society says they are a mature adult and can take care of themselves…I will still be here to guide them and listen and support them…until the day I die.  If I do this journey right…. they will listen to my Godly counsel and in turn….be able to become leaders of their own families.  No, dear friends……I am not just a “mom/babysitter”….I am a spiritual, emotional and physical leader of my children!

I am also not just a wife.  I am not here to wait on my husband hand and foot.  I am not here to make sure everything in the home is done so his life is easier and he won’t get upset.  No….I am a helpmate to him.  I am his partner.  I am his lover and companion.  I am here to listen…to love and to lift him up.  In turn…..I know he will continue to love me, support me and uplift me!  No…I am not just here…..I am a partner!

I am also not just a friend.  I am a counselor.  I am here to listen.  I am here to support.  I am here to have fun and be silly!  I am here to be a cheerleader to all!  I am here to be honest.  To speak truth into others because I love them enough to do so!  I am here to learn from others.  To know that I have so much more to learn…and so much more to give.

At my job…..I am not just a sales person.  I am part of a team.  I am a valued member of our support system.  I am a consultant that helps people find just what they need and support them through that process.

I am not just here to make myself happy.  I am here to do so much more.  I am starting to realize that there is so much more.  So much……and if we are willing to dream it…to do the hard work…..there is so much out there that we can achieve!  There is so much that God wants for us!  So much that He wants from us too!  He doesn’t want and never intended for us to have mundane lives!  But sometimes we can’t see our way out of where we are!

You are so much more!  You are more than the problems you create!  And LORD KNOWS I’ve created enough!  You are more than the sum of your past mistakes!  And ONLY He knows just how many mistakes I’ve made!  You are more than the choices that you’ve made…..and WOW!  I am not the best person when it comes to right choices.

But I’ve been remade!  You’ve been remade!  Every morning we wake up to new beginnings and new possibilities!  The past is in the past and the future lies before us!

When you have been set free and are trying to rebuild your life in the Lord, the enemy will come and tell you, “You weren’t really set free.”  “You’re still the same old messed-up person you always were:”……When you start hearing those kinds of messages, recognize where they are coming from and remember who has set you free!

The above was in my morning devotional for today.  Do you think maybe God is trying to tell me something??  Maybe He wants to share it with us all.

I am my worst enemy.  I feel like I can’t do certain things.  I feel like I am not special enough to do what I KNOW God is telling me to do.  I feel like if only others knew all the ways I’ve messed up…they wouldn’t like me or believe me any more!  I become so paralyzed by the past and the lies…that I can’t move….so I just maintain.  I don’t move forward for fear that it will be another wrong choice….or that I might fail.  OR…..worse yet….I might actually be successful…and then what!????  I have a huge fear of success.  Weird, I know….but there…I confessed it.  Because today….I am choosing to believe that I am more.

I am going to choose to believe that God knows all this stuff and He loves me anyway!  I am going to know that there is more than just the title of mom…wife….friend….worker…..or anything else….  There is more responsibility to those titles when God is in it!  I am more….than my past sums of problems…choices….troubles.  I am more than I can even imagine for myself to be….and there are some pretty big doozies in there!

I am more…….I’ve been remade!  AND…..so have you!

Blessings today!  Choose to be more! ~c

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