My Life as a COMMA!

Have you ever had a heart that was overflowing with happiness and joy and yet, at the same time, be filled with sadness?  That was my yesterday.

The sadness…….because yesterday marked the 13th year since my mother passed from this life to her eternal reward.  It was a difficult day.  Allow me to share some memories with you…

My mother had been sick for quite some time.  She was diagnosed with a metastatic breast cancer in her liver in February of 96.  She was only given about 6 months to live.  She fought hard.  She battled and decided to live the rest of her life with every ounce of vigor she could muster.  She continued to work through her treatments.  She continued to support and love me through my tough times (I was going through my divorce during her illness and then the boy’s death was in February of 97.).  She lived a lot of life in the 1 year and 9 months after her diagnosis.  If you have heard me speak….I usually say that we lived every holiday…weekend…day….of the year from February of 96 through February of 97 as if it was going to be mom’s last……when….in all actuality…it was my boy’s last.  You just never know.  We are not promised tomorrow at any age.

My mother believed in angels.  She read about them and talked about them a lot.  Well……as she neared her last days, we all gathered together.  My dad, grandma, sister and her fiance, Matt, myself and Bryan (my then fiance) all stayed at my parents house. On Friday night we all let mom and dad rest and we (Matt, Heather, Bryan and myself) played some games and stayed up late talking in the living room.  We all slept on the couches.  But on Saturday…so much happened.  Mom was in so much pain.  I remember calling her hospice nurse to see if there was anything else I could do because she was in so much pain.  The nurse told me that she shouldn’t be.  I told her mom had taken me by the arm and said, “You just don’t understand how bad it hurts!”.  It broke my heart!!  Anyway, again the 4 of us stayed in the living room Saturday night.  We were all tired.  It had been an emotional day.  We knew.  We all knew the end was near.  It wasn’t anything we were ready for.  So we all slept.

Well, about 1:30 a.m. the phone rang.  I was next to it and answered.  I honestly don’t remember if it was a man or a woman’s voice…..or even who they asked for.  All I know is that it was a wrong number….and I believe it was an angel.  And here is why.  ….

My father came in and asked me to come check on mom with him after he came out to ask who had been on the phone.  When I went into her room….her breathing was very labored.  I knew that this was a sign that we were within 24 hours of her death.  I told dad to do something…maybe go wake up my grandmother….but he left me in the room with mom….  and I prayed.  I remembered my grandmother breathing just like mom was breathing the day that she died.  I remember that it was almost 20+ hours before gramma actually died after I saw her like that and I told God I just couldn’t do it…..  I DID NOT have the strength to sit there and watch mom labor to breathe much longer.  I had tried…so hard…to be strong.  But the wound of just losing my boys 9 months before was still fresh and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to endure much more.  So I sat there….and prayed.  I remember holding mom’s hand….stroking her hair and talking to her.  I remember thinking how much I loved her but didn’t want her to keep hurting.  I remember her waking up…something the nurses said she couldn’t do….turning her head to look at me…and me telling her it was ok…ok to let go….ok to stop fighting.  I told her we all loved her and were so proud of how she fought…but that she didn’t have to fight any more.  Then….she closed her eyes again.  Every one in the house was in the room.  We were all there…..all around her when at 2:36 a.m. she took her last breath.  And I know….if it weren’t for the angel that dialed the phone….we all would have just woken up to her being gone.  I don’t know how I would have handled that but I am thankful I was there….that we all were there to support her, to love her…and to support and love one another.

Yes, my heart is filled with sadness….  Losing my mom has been difficult.  I still remember…after Bryan and I were married and had gotten a new bed….I ran to the living room, picked up the phone….and dialed the number to call and have my mom come look!  But I remembered….mom wasn’t here!  The pain never goes away.

Now for the joy….the overflowing happiness.  This month is National orphan’s month and through our church we have “adopted” 2 children in our system for Christmas.  We also have pictures at church of different children in our system that need a “forever home”.  I chose a 16 year old, Desirea, to pray for.  Bryce chose a 12 year old, Elmer, to pray for.  And Breanna, she chose a young boy named Trevor to pray for.  So every day…meal time…bed time…awake time…any time…we are praying specifically for these kids.

Well, last night Breanna was praying at bed time.  She was praying so fervently that God would bless Trevor with a home and a family that loved him.  She started praying that God would give Trevor what she already had…a family.  She thanked God for what He had given her and then she broke down. And my friends, she broke hard.  This lasted for quite some time.  When she was able to stop crying….she asked me this.  “Why did God choose to give me a family but He didn’t give one to Trevor?”  Again, tears…….  I told her God loves both her and Trevor the same.  But some parents make bad choices or some things happen.  It doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us.  She said….”then why did he make Trevor an orphan?”  I don’t know how to answer all these questions.  I know this seems like it would give me a sad heart…but the truth is…I am so proud of her heart!  I am so proud…because at her age, I don’t think I realized or cared about orphans or others the way that she does.  This literally took about an hour to get her calmed down.  And then this morning as I dropped her at school she told me, “Mom, I am still praying for Trevor. …. But today I am going to try not to be so sad.”.  Just joy.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1:27

After my mother died….I had my family…my dad and my sister….and so many others that helped me through.  At times, I felt like I had been orphaned. But I knew better.  My feelings were never that for very long because the love of others was always there for me to show me how much I was loved.

My prayer is that Trevor, Elmer and Desirea have that as well.  Although they may be orphans….that the love of others will carry them through.  And the prayers of others will some how change their lives.

I pray the same for you…that you will know that you have touched someone else’s life.  That you are loved….more than you can imagine.  If you feel alone….know that God almighty, maker of the heavens and earth….is there for you.  He is your Father and loves you more than you can imagine.    Thank you, Father….for loving me.  Thank you for allowing me to have so many in my family that I love so very much!

I love you mom!  And I love you boys!  I am gonna hang out here loving on the family and friends I have for a while longer……..until we meet again! ~c