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Difficult Anniversaries and the Power to Choose…!!!!!

December 14, 2013 by Cheli Porter

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Today is the one year anniversary of the school shooting in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. Today is a brutal reminder that one year has passed since the innocent lives were taken from their families. Today is the reminder to each family and friend that they have lived every season, every month, every week, every day of a full year without their loved ones in their lives and here on this earth with them.

Join me in prayer for these families. Join me….because even though most people like to think and are even so brazen to say that the first year is the hardest…and after the first year…things will start to get better…….that just isn’t quite true.

For a family that has lost a child…..the first year is obviously difficult. It is filled with all the “firsts”.…the “first” holiday without your child….the “first” birthday without your child….the
“first” beginning of school without your child….the “first” last day of school without your child.

But what makes it difficult….is for that first year….you can still imagine your child……just the way they were…the things they liked…the friends they would play with….the sports they liked to play….the foods they enjoyed. You can even imagine how they looked….how they wore their hair and how their voice sounded. You could imagine all of those “firsts” fairly easily…as if they would still be there……You could see them and hear them…..still……………..

Each year after that “first“…..it gets a little bit harder. After several years….you wonder….what their interests would be……what friends they would still have……what activities they would be enjoying…….how would they be styling their hair…..how would they be changing….how……would they sound……

Then……many years past that….when their classmates are going to their high school proms….you wouldn’t even know if they would have wanted to go……who they might have gone with……what they would want to wear….how they would want to arrive…limo or car…any of it…..because you would never know them even close to that age….

I say this because I want you to realize…..that the families who lost their children and loved ones still need our prayers. They will need them for the rest of their lives. I’ve come to realize there is no such thing as “closure” when you lose a loved one….. or as the grief cycle being done. It is a never ending process that only ends when we join our children in eternity.

I also ask that you allow these families to be happy. I think it is wonderful that we see them smiling and laughing with their families in some of the clips I’ve seen. Don’t think that just because they have gone through something so devastating that they don’t deserve to smile again. Don’t look at their lives now and wonder how they could be so happy after, what you consider, is such a short time after they lost their loved one!

They can be happy again! God is that good! They can choose to continue living their life…all while remembering their loved ones they lost. Losing someone tragically….doesn’t mean you can’t go on…it doesn’t mean you aren’t able to continue.

That is the awesome thing about our lives…. NO MATTER WHAT is going on……WE CHOOSE! We choose if we continue to get up…to continue to live! We choose if we are going to be all consumed by sadness or to feel it and then move on…..past it..

No…it doesn’t mean it is easy! Quite the opposite! It is hard! Very hard. Knock-the-breath-out-of-you hard! But it can be done. You just have to decide if you are willing to do it!

When God gave us free will….He gave us power. Power to choose! WE CHOOSE EVERYTHING!

NO……we may not get to choose what happens TO us…..but WE CHOOSE how we react. WE CHOOSE how we allow it to make us feel. WE CHOOSE what we do next.

Just because bad has been done TO us….doesn’t make it okay for us to make more bad choices!

WE HAVE POWER!! No person…..no situation …..NO ANYTHING has any power over us….EXCEPT the power WE give it!!!

So choose……CHOOSE YOU! CHOOSE to be weird and choose the good out of EVERY situation!

I can say….after EVERYTHING I have been through……There is ALWAYS a silver lining….you just have to look for it!

Maybe that seems weird to you……maybe you think it is very uncaring for me to say there has to be a silver lining in everything…..like in the Sandy Hook shootings….but it is there. Good WILL overcome evil……..the Light will shine through ANY darkness…..but sometimes….MOST of the time….it is US….who has to find it!

May you see the LIGHT in everything and CHOOSE the POWER God has given you!
My vote…..is on anyone who makes this choice!
Blessings and prayers! ~c

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Questions kids ask………

December 3, 2013 by Cheli Porter

So, last night my sweet daughter was having trouble going to sleep and kept getting up from her bed. About ten o’clock she came into the kitchen. I was sitting looking through Pinterest recipes trying to come up with menu ideas when I looked up to her sweet smiling face.

She looked at me with a serious look that let me know that she had been thinking really hard. She said, “Mom, I really need to ask you something that has been on my mind now so that I won’t forget later.”

How could I say no to that???

Her question…..

“If God knows all the future and all that will happen…..then why did He create Adam and Eve? I mean, He knew that He would have to send them away from the Garden, and he created them anyway…..why would He do that?”

Seriously???!! When I was her age I was definitely not thinking about why the Creator of the Universe would continue with His plan of creating us even though He knew we would make bad choices and break His heart!! I am completely in awe of the way her heart and mind work together…..!

My answer……..was simply this.

He created us for the same reason that Daddy and I chose to have you and your brother. Even though we knew you would not always obey us or even like us….even though there will be days when you think you hate us……we wanted to have you in our lives and love you with an unconditional love. We knew it wouldn’t be easy…but it is definitely worth it!!

She thought for a split second…and then smiled. She got it. She truly did.

She went to bed and was able to go to sleep after that. But it left me wide awake with some thoughts.

We love our kids unconditionally….with a love that is fierce and unwavering. We would walk through fire and literally do anything for our kids.

That is the way we were designed. In the image of God. He loves us no matter what. EVEN when He knew we would mess up…He CHOSE to create us. Even when He knows what a mess we could/would make of our lives at times….He chooses to be there for us….even if it is at a distance while we sort through our feelings ….He is always there. Just as we are as a parent.

It’s the perfect love…..I fail my kids, daily. But He doesn’t fail me….EVER. He is love. He is patient. He is kind. He does not keep a record of our wrongdoings. His love never fails. He never fails any of us.

It got me to thinking more…….. I know that is how we feel about our kids…..they are a part of us.

But truly….isn’t that how he wants us to feel about everyone? How about your spouse? Are you willing to be there for them through the ups and downs? Is your love the unconditional love that God has asked of you to have? What about others? Others in your family……others in your community….. Aren’t we called to love everyone the same?

Well….those are just some of the thoughts my daughter has brought to my mind. She got her answer. But mine questions are still stirring.

I’m thankful for Him working in me. I’m so thankful He uses a child to show me what His love in my life looks like and what He expects my life and love through me to look like. Every night we pray for Him to show us how to be His hands and feet…for Him to give us His eyes and heart and ears. We pray that we are the light in this dark world and others would see Jesus in us.

I definitely see it in my kids…..so much more than I see it in myself sometimes. I love how he speaks to me.

I pray He has spoken to you through my daughter’s question…..

Many blessings and love!!! ~c

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I miss my momma………

November 16, 2013 by Cheli Porter

Sixteen years ago today was a day, weather wise, much like today. Windy….chilly but not really cold.. Cloudy…overcast….not much sun.
Sixteen years ago today I was putting up the Thanksgiving decorations. Not because Thanksgiving was already over….actually it hadn’t even happened yet….but because we just didn’t feel “festive”.
Sixteen years ago today I helped make calls that I knew were coming….but never wanted to make.
Sixteen years ago today I said goodbye to my mom’s earthly body and wept because in those first few moments, minutes, hours…..I already missed her.
Sixteen years ago today I felt jealous of her…..because she was the first to get to see my boys in heaven.
Sixteen years ago today I felt loss and relief at the very same moment. I lost my mom. I knew I’d never get to call her again or talk with her or celebrate anything in my life with her again! But at the same time…I knew she wasn’t hurting any more. Her pain had become more than any of us could tolerate…especially her. I am thankful she is completely healed in her new body!!
Sixteen years ago today I started mourning the “never woulds”….. Mom “never would” make it to mine and Bryan’s wedding. Mom “never would” see my beautiful sister get married. Mom “never would” see me with my children now. Mom “never would” see that she finally had a granddaughter. Mom “never would” see my sister and myself as successful business women. Mom “never would” see so much…………..
or would she????
This morning I awoke with that same double edged sword of feelings….Sorrow of missing her and joy knowing she was somehow watching over me and my family. Today is my son’s first wrestling tournament ever!! As I prayed for him I smiled knowing she would be watching over him. I smile knowing she is watching over me…over all of us who loved her and are still here.
As I hugged my sweet daughter this morning and just relished the moment and the feeling and bond between mother and daughter, the tears started to fall.
I miss my momma.
I miss her smile.
I miss her hugs.
I miss our talks.
I miss her….everything.
It never goes away. I will never be too old to wish I had my mom with me. There is never a milestone or a day that goes by I didn’t wish she were still here.
The holidays are a difficult time….she was so all about the holidays. It is hard some times to get into that holiday spirit and get excited…. But I do….for her….my my boys…for my sweet family now……and for me.
I will never stop missing her. I will never stop thinking of her.
But I will go on and continue to live the best life I can on this earth…..partly…..because of her!

I love you momma. You told me once you would love me until you took your dying breath…..and I will love you until I take mine….

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A Birthday story…..

October 26, 2013 by Cheli Porter

On this date back in 1946, in a small town in Oklahoma…Prague..to be specific, a baby girl was born. She had black hair and dark eyes. She was the first girl to this family. They already had 3 boys….all older, one already grown. She was quite a surprise to her family…but a blessing.

Growing up she was rambunctious. A tomboy, of course! With older brothers she had to be. But her beauty was there also. She learned much from her family. She learned how to cook and nurture from her mom. But being a daddy’s girl, like so many girls are……she spent most of her time with her dad. She loved fishing and camping and animals and dirt! She became very resilient from these days…..and though I don’t know all of the details from that time….I know it was during her growing up years, she was gaining in the strength she needed later in her life.

Her family moved to another town, Shawnee, where she graduated in 1964. She also attended Business College there. I wish I knew more of the stories from that time in her life. I know she was well liked and learned a lot…..and had a lot of fun!

After school she was working at Tinker and met a young man, transplanted from another state. That was in October. By February they had wed and she was off to the east coast to meet his family. My grandmother tells me as she looked out the window waiting to catch a glimpse of her son’s bride, she was taken back as mom got out of the car….by her beauty. Mom was tall, slender and very stylish!

I was born in Indiana a few years later. My parents had moved up there to be close to my mother’s youngest brother. Shortly after I was born, they moved back to Oklahoma to take care of her mother though. So, I grew up with my parents and my grandparents being the only family close by. Until my second grade year when my baby sister came along. Our family was complete.

It was less than three years later, mom had cancer. I’ll never forget. But there are some cloudy memories during that time. I know that is because she tried to shield me and my sister from most of it.

What I do remember is helping as much as I could. I would take care of her and my sister! I also remember my birthday party. It was at the skating rink. I remember she had a beautiful curly, short black wig she wore. It was the only time she had ever had curly hair. She smiled a lot. At least with me she did. She was strong. She kept going.

Then, I remember growing up, going out on my own and becoming a mother. She was there the night before I delivered my first child. She would hold her hand on my swollen belly and tell me when I was having contractions. She was always the one I would call. Every day….for no reason…or for any reason…she was there.

I remember when she was diagnosed with cancer again. She didn’t want the treatment. She got so sick the first time….and she couldn’t do it again. I, selfishly, didn’t “get it”. I didn’t agree. I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t fight. She had kids, grandkids to fight for. I didn’t agree with her at all……but it wasn’t my choice. She was only a little over a year older than I am right now. And I can honestly say….as I sit here typing….I finally understand. I’m not saying I could agree….but I finally understand. The fear of the past…sometimes overtakes the reasoning of the now. We let it grip us and hold us in a way that makes us feel utterly terrified. I get that now.

After this diagnosis and surgery, they told her it will come back. They told her when it came back, it would be fatal. They couldn’t tell us when…but they did tell us where. And sure enough, two years later…..it was back.

This time, something in her had changed. Because she fought it! She fought hard. During this time I was going through a hard time. I had moved in with mom and dad….the boys and I…..when she was first diagnosed. I watched her fight. I watched her resolve to win. I watched her strength.

I saw her in a new light. I saw her as a fighter. She never stopped working….even when she was so sick. She never gave up.

Then, when the boys died, she checked herself out of the hospital so she could be at home when I got there. I remember laying with my head on her lap and her just rubbing my hair while I cried. I remember laying in her bed with her and just being with her. She was there for me. She was fighting for me.

Over that summer mom and I talked so much more than we ever had. Yes, we talked before….but this was about so much more. We talked about us. Our family. God. Heaven. We mended every fence we had broken. We spoke words that needed to be spoken. We also just spent some time in silence just being with each other.

I remember the day she called to tell me the cancer had moved to her brain. She knew this was truly the beginning of the end for her. She wanted to keep fighting but she also wanted to be realistic. She asked me to bring a pen and paper to the hospital. When I arrived we hugged and cried for a bit. But then she asked me to get the pad of paper and pen out. She apologized first, but then asked me to help her plan her funeral. She wanted to take that burden off my father…but she also wanted what she wanted! 😉 As I sat and did that with her, for her, we bonded even more. I was overwhelmed at how strong she was….at how strong she had always been.

She worked from then, the first part of July, up to her birthday. She finally received her medical retirement. She knew my dad would be taken care of. I don’t remember the day exactly….but it was the week after her birthday…..I saw it in her eyes. She was tired. She was tired of fighting. She was worn out. She had accomplished all God put her here to accomplish. She had fought and survived well past what the doctors had expected. She stayed with us….until each of us…in our own ways knew it was better for her to experience the joys of heaven instead of the pain of this life.

The night she left us…..she looked at me….and I remember saying I love you that one last time. I remember telling her it was okay …… she could go. We didn’t want her to hurt any more. She did just that…but waited until we were all there in the room…..loving her…before she did.

So, Happy Birthday Momma! Here is to all the memories I have tucked in my heart of you!
I thank God for giving me the wisdom to know…..if it weren’t for some of the things in my life I used to see as hard times and difficulties, I wouldn’t have been able to be as strong as I am today.

A huge part of who I am is because of you. I am strong and keep forging ahead…because I saw you do the same. I am strong and won’t give up….because I watched you do the same. I am motherly and protective…..because I watched you be the same way. I “kill them with kindness” because I will never forget your teachings! 😉

I am so glad, on this date, back in 1946…in Prague, Oklahoma……you were born to be my mom!
Until we meet again! ~rrb

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

October 22, 2013 by Cheli Porter

Today I want to give thanks and wish the best dad in the world…a Happy Birthday! 

Most of the time..my posts are more about the daily struggles or happy moments of my immediate family…or about the people I have loved and lost!

BUT NOT TODAY! Today is about my dad.  He was my first dance partner, my first love, my biggest fan and always present in my life!

Dad is a hard worker. From the time I was little, I remember him working.  He worked two jobs for a while…. Days at Montgomery Wards and nights at 7=11.  But Dad also knew how to have fun! He loved to dance with mom and me….and play games and have cookouts!

Dad also had a sense of fun! When I was in 7th grade….I decided to cut my long hair into layers..for the first time. I also was going to get a perm…for the first time. At that time, I spelled my name Shelly…and for some reason…Dad decided since I was making all these changes..it would be a good time to change how I spelled my name. That is when I started being known as Cheli. I think it fits me better that way. Dad says I was just way too unique to have such a plain spelling of my name!! =)

Dad has also been the strong, silent type.  Yes, I mostly went to mom when I needed something or to talk…but he was always there. He let me know I could be anything, do anything…..and that he believed in me.

As a parent now, I see some of the struggles and pain I caused him.  I deeply regret those times. As an adult, I see more clearly his resolve to help his family. He has always wanted for all of us…and not so much for himself.

I have to give him huge credit for so much. The strong, silent type is what I saw.  I didn’t see so many of the times he had to be strong.

It makes me think of the day my boys died. HE is the one I called for help. HE is the one who had to dial 911. HE is the one the police told first. HE is the one who had to call and tell me the most gut-wrenching news. HE is the one who had to go to the hospital and tell my mom (She had had surgery the day before). HE was the one who brought her home and readied the house for me to come home and all the visitors we would have. HE is the one who dealt with the media. HE is the one who sat beside me as police came to question me… HE is the one who went to the funeral home and helped me make all my decisions. HE is the one who while doing all of this, was still working and taking care of my mom who was terminal with cancer. HE is the one we have all turned to…

But who was he turning to? He had to be strong for all of us. He was the one who helped to hold us together. HE is the one I turned to in my darkest hour.
I must say…..I’ve seen my father go through a lot in life. His health issues……the loss of loved ones. He has always remained the strong, silent type…through them all.

But I also must say….I’ve never been so excited or so proud of my dad as the day I saw him be baptized at church. The knowledge I would get to spend eternity with this strong, silent man…..makes my heart smile in ways you just can’t imagine.

Daddy, you are one of the bravest men I know. You’ve helped me walk through so much in this life. I’ve learned from you. I’ve learned to be strong…and sometimes to be silent. I’m so proud to be your girl. That is why I want to share this pic of you walking with me…on one of the happiest days of my life.

dad and me dad and me

Thank you for always being there. Thank you for always loving me.
I love you forever and always!
Happy Birthday Daddy! You’re my hero!
Your little girl ~c

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Not feeling so strong…..

October 14, 2013 by Cheli Porter

Today is my third son’s 25th birthday.  I woke up this morning and was doing….okay. It wasn’t but a few hours that went by before I had my “fall apart”.  And this one….wasn’t pretty. Usually I do this when I am by myself or just with my husband…but this morning….my kids were here…and I couldn’t hold it in.  I had both of them in bed with me and my husband and I just cried and cried.  I told them to never go to bed mad because you just never know.  I told them I wanted them to learn to speak life into others…to be more positive….to use kind words and to always make sure they tell the ones the love….they love them!! 

These are things I try to do on a daily basis…but today…I really wanted it to sink in.

Today was supposed to be a HUGE milestone in the life of my sweet boy. But as I laid in my bed…I couldn’t even fathom what he would look like as a man. I couldn’t begin to know what he would be doing or how his life would look like at this point.

I’ve tried hard all day to go on and be as “normal” as possible. I’ve done some work….I’ve done homework…..I’ve done the “normal” stuff. But I don’t feel normal. 

Then I posted just a brief Happy Birthday to my sweet Caby-baby and immediately started getting such sweet responses. I know people think I’m strong…..I just haven’t felt it lately.

It is so hard to put into words how it feels to live inside my head. My days are such an anomaly sometimes. Like the other day, for instance. I went and had coffee with a friend…then a trip to the store.  It was my day off and I had already gotten both kids out the door to school. After the store, my car drove to the cemetery. Not my normal thing at all.  There was actually another funeral going on. This didn’t deter me at all. I got out of my car and went and sat at my boys’ headstone. I sat and talked with them and cried and cried. I had my phone with me…..and as tears were streaming down my face…I got a text from Bryce…. “Hey, will you come have lunch with me?”. I replied with another question…”Do you want me to?”….to which he replied “YES!:)”. 

So I left……cleaned up my face and went to pick him up…hoping I wouldn’t see too many of his friends because I was a bit scary looking at this time!!  I’m so glad I got to have lunch with him on THAT day. We sat across from each other just talking. When the waitress brought our food he thanked her then bowed his head to pray for us. Then we just sat there and talked. I don’t think he has any idea just how much joy that brought me! I watched him talk….his jawline is getting more pronounced….his voice is getting so deep….and his heart….is just precious. He is at a stage I never experienced with his brothers…..and I’m loving every minute of it.

I guess what I am trying to get across to you is that I’m really not that strong. I just choose to keep going. I choose to see all the little things that truly have such a BIG meaning when you see them as gifts from God. Just like this past Tuesday…I probably could have sat at the cemetery all day…… but I am so thankful that God chose to prompt Bryce to text me…and that I CHOSE to step out of my grief to realize the blessings I have right now!

Is it easy? No…never. My mind is filled with ways that my two worlds collide.  Sometimes it is difficult to make the choices to keep going and not give in to my feelings of not being strong enough or life being too hard. But every time that thought process starts to take over…..I have to think of my boys.  I want to make them proud. I want my time left on this earth to mean something. I don’t want to live just a mediocre existence. I want to be who God wants me to be!

So tonight…for Caleb’s birthday…I got on my blog site.  I have not been a “regular” blogger…it’s more hit or miss with me! But when I looked on my “stats” and started digging I realized that my mission is for my life to be a comma.  To share with others and give them hope through Christ that no matter what they are facing…with Him all things truly are possible.  And that…after reading some of my struggles and triumphs….it will someone help them feel hopeful that they too, can have life more abundantly the way that Christ truly intended!!  I was humbled to see this….when I was looking. It is the stats from just the last year…of the countries who have been touched by my blog.  It helped me to realize I am doing what He asked. It helped me feel so small…yet so big at the same time!  He is so good to show me His ways.

 

I am happy to share that in the past year…..there have been visitors to my blog from 81 countries!!!! I wish I knew the names of all of the thousands of people…only so I could pray for each of them to be changed by His love and kindness!
Okay….so what does this have to do with not feeling so strong…? Well…. because I don’t feel strong. I just don’t. But what God is showing me is that I don’t have to feel strong for Him to use me….I just have to be real. I just have to be available. I just have to be willing. I don’t have to always feel strong….because HE is strong for me!
My prayer for whoever reads this is to have the joy my sweet Caleb had! In his short 8 years of life…..he LIVED IT! He LOVED IT! and he SHARED IT! So…for his birthday….I’m committing to continuing to share! I’m continuing to pray that the lives of my boys will continue to lead others to Christ!
Thanks to my sweet angels for watching over their momma…. Happy Birthday Caleb! I’m sure every day with Jesus is a celebration! I can’t wait to join the party!!!get-attachment

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Happy Birthday BRYCE!!!

September 23, 2013 by Cheli Porter

I can’t believe it! 14 years ago today….God looked down on me and smiled….and sent the most beautiful rainbow I’ve ever seen! His name is Bryce…..and after the storms of life had beat me down and left me feeling lifeless and without the hope of being a mom on this earth again……the sun decided to shine on me when Bryce’s dad, Bryan, came into my life and then the rainbow came shortly after!!

That is truly how I feel…….He was then…and always will be my rainbow. He is my promise from God that life does go on and there truly is always more!

I have loved getting to be his mom. What a blessing he has been! The prophetic words of my doctor…..when, as he was being delivered by c-section said, “Oh my God…it’s a football player….to now…..watching this big, strong boy as one of the starters of the 8th grade football team.

But nothing……nothing….is better than just sitting and talking with him….and seeing his heart. That boy has a huge heart. Yes, we’ve gone through some ups and downs…but his heart is held by Jesus! And Bryce knows this beyond a shadow of a doubt. And talking with him and watching him….brings me such joy! It’s as if God just keeps smiling at me and saying…., “See…..there was more….so much more that you couldn’t even believe!”.

One of my favorite scriptures is Habakkuk 1:5! It says….”Look around among the nations and see! And be astonished! Astounded! For I am putting into effect a work in your days that you would not believe it if it were told you.” (Amp. Version)

If someone had told me over 16 years ago I’d be happy…gloriously happy…and celebrating the 14th Birthday of my wonderful son……I wouldn’t have believed it. To be quite honest with you…I don’t think I would have even dreamed it. I would have been way too afraid.

But God….He KNOWS! He knew then I had more to come…more to live for….more to do….more lives to change. I just wasn’t ready to hear it! I’m so thankful I stuck around to see it and experience what He had in store!

There is nothing more important to me…..than my family! They are my “WHY”!!! They are my gifts from God.

So today I celebrate my son! Bryce……you have greatness in you! I see God at work in you and through you…..and although we don’t know what is around the corner and waiting for you…I know that God has blessings in abundance planned for your life! Thank you for blessing me…..for loving me through…..and letting me be your mom.

I couldn’t be prouder!

All my love, forever and always! ~mom

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Bryce, my "too cool for pics" 6th grader!

Bryce, my “too cool for pics” 6th grader!

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Change…..it isn’t always easy.

July 25, 2013 by Cheli Porter

When change is presented to you….how do you see it?

Do you perceive it as a good thing? Do you resist with everything you have in you? Do you wait and see if the same change has treated someone else well…and then jump full in wanting the same good things to happen for you? Do you research and find out all the bad stuff that could possibly happen and try to disprove every ounce of possible change?

or….

Do you embrace it as a gift from God?

I have to be honest….I think I could put myself into every single category listed above… AND MORE!

What I’d like to think though….is that no matter what my initial reaction is to change….that I ALWAYS end up thanking God for the change and how it has changed me.

There are so many ways to go with this…so I’ll share a few of my own….

1.) My children haven’t known a tremendous amount of change. We’ve lived in the same house for almost 13 years…they’ve attended the same schools….had the same friends…. So major life changes haven’t really affected them a lot. Until recently….the principal of the elementary school where my daughter attends changed positions and moved into an administrative role in the district. When she found out…(which I delayed because I was concerned of her reaction..) she looked at me and tears started welling up in her eyes. We were in the car and she was in the front seat with me. As soon as I saw the tears, she turned her head. After a long pause, she turned and looked at me and told me she wanted to change schools. She said she wanted to go back to the private school where she had attended pre-school. I told her that wouldn’t be necessary. I assured her the new principal would be a great addition to the school……after which she reminded me I had once said that the previous principal was the best and there was no one better than him…..(me…inserting foot right about now…). She conceded to go about her summer…but now..here we sit about 3 weeks before school starts and the anxiety in her is beginning to build. I have had to resist the urge to do a search of the new principal and get all the feedback I possibly can…. I….am choosing….to trust HIM.

2.) I am very open minded…I love new opportunities. But I have been burned, more than once, and had shut the door on that way of thinking. I am very happy in my current job. My husband is very happy. We are doing well and were not looking for ANYthing new in our lives….(as if we needed something more to do…). But….along came an opportunity and some friends, (very Godly friends I might add..) who shared something new with us. They told us how it would benefit our family…how I could travel with and make more memories with my family. Instead of brushing them off…..and even….instead of trying to figure out EVERY single reason why I shouldn’t do this and I couldn’t do this and there was no way I could make this work….instead….I decided to trust Him. I jumped in without abandon. I did what I usually don’t do…and am beginning to see that I am not the one that will be changed and blessed through this….but how I am going to be able to bless others~! I choose….to trust HIM!

By now…..I’m sure you are seeing that some of these changes are not the big…life altering….”I didn’t ask for this” kind of changes we often deal with. No, sis doesn’t have a choice who her principal is…but really..that isn’t a big deal. And….choosing to start something new…yes…that was my choice. Not easy..but still …it was mine to make..for myself. So if you are there…..keep reading…the next one is for you.

3.) This is one I’ll just call……”where my two worlds collide”.
You see…this past week…I got to travel to another state to meet my “kinda” twin grandbabies. I say “kinda”…..only because their dad is one of my oldest son’s best friends. No, these are not my “babies by blood”. His family, and brothers, are and were some of the sweetest people I know. They were my oldest 3 boys best buddies….and I love them all. They still call me mom. I sat in the front row of his wedding as his “kinda” mom….and have enjoyed trips to see them and them coming to see us. Anyway….he has 4 month old twins…a boy and girl…who have stolen my heart. I went to spend time with them for two days. To play “Mimi” to these babies and just hang out. I loved it. More than I thought my heart could…..I truly loved it. The baby boy….is named after my oldest son. I am so honored to know that my sweet boy made enough of an impact…for someone to do this.
So, where is the difficult choice here you ask????? It is in allowing myself to be mom to these boys and to be Mimi to these babies. Because on our last evening….as I put those babies to sleep and took them to their beds…I held a baby boy,a baby boy named after my baby boy……………

and my two worlds collided………..

As much in love as I am…with this family…I was reminded that this is my “could have been….SHOULD have been”. But instead…this is my now. As I laid this sweet baby in his bed and watched him sleep….just as I did his namesake 28 years ago…..I had a choice to make.

I choose to TRUST HIM!

28 years ago…I was 17 and scared. I was still in high school and quite frankly….I wasn’t a believer. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I had different plans for my life…and none of them included family…or kids.

But I believed He had a plan for me…and I chose to trust in it.

I can literally look back now….and see the paths of my life…and how each part of it…..has led me closer to HIM. Even the parts I didn’t plan…..and especially the parts I didn’t want. But …. I kept moving. Sometimes backwards….but mostly forward. And eventually….I conceded that His plan….was always best for me.

And today….28 years later…I’m still scared sometimes. But now I have this relationship with Christ…and I see God as my Father. I’m still choosing to believe in His different plans for my life. I will be Mimi to those babies…even though they aren’t the children of my children….they will know me…and know my sons… I will choose to do what is best for my family now….and work hard at becoming the servant He wants me to be.

I’m not saying I’ve always liked it. I’m not saying it is easy. What I am saying…is this….

Think of the many times change has happened in your life. Did you fight it kicking and screaming…..only to realize there was nothing you could have done to make it different? Or did you embrace it..? Accept it? I’m not saying like it….. I’m just saying you might just realize that change…is sometimes necessary to grow…to learn…to strengthen.

Let me show you my way for you this day. I guide you continually so you can relax and enjoy My Presence in the present. Living well is both a discipline and an art. Concentrate on staying close to Me, the divine Artist. Discipline your thoughts to trust Me as I work My ways in your life. Pray about everything; then, leave outcomes up to Me. Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplish what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of absolute trust in Me. Underneath are the everlasting arms!/blockquote>

This quote is from my Jesus Calling devotional. It has been speaking to me. I truly believe we can’t always choose what happens to us…..but WE CAN choose how we react and respond to it. We can choose to train our thoughts on our Heavenly Father and how He and His kingdom can be glorified in and through every situation. I believe He will hold us when we want to scream and kick and cry….and believe that the changes sometimes don’t seem fair! I believe He is big enough…loves us enough….to hold us…until we are calm and are ready for Him to show us His ways are right….His ways are pure…and we WILL be better…..one day.

If there is any way I can pray for you…or help you through a storm…don’t hesitate to let me know!
Much love ~c

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16 YEARS!! This CAN’T be real!!…….

February 22, 2013 by Cheli Porter

So here I sit….smack dab in the realization that 16 years ago my life was forever changed. There aren’t many days I really let myself feel all the hurt associated with this day…but today is that day….the day I allow myself to be very real with those feelings. Today has started kinda different though.

You see…..through the night…I was thinking it would be good to have my cry and get some of the emotions out while everyone was asleep. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t make myself cry. I felt like I was in a fog. I couldn’t cry. What was wrong with me? Why? Why couldn’t I feel those feelings? Were they too bottled up? Had I pushed them down too deep?

My kids got up…and were so loving and sweet. Bryce held my hand and caressed my hair and told me he loved me. I held his hand so tight…. because sometimes I’m so afraid…..it could be the last. Then sis, was so sweet. She said she knew what today was. She knew it had been 16 years since Cody, Cory and Caleb died. It knocked the breath out of me to hear her say it.

Then…after I took her to school and came back home….the tears came. I have been getting loving and wonderful texts and messages and facebook posts….that mean more to me than I can say in words…and I’d been ok….. But then it hit. One of the girls that was a classmate of Cody’s talked about this day…how she missed him and his smile…and said I had been an inspiration during this whole time…. it hit.

I’m gonna be brutally honest…today.

I DON’T WANT TO BE AN INSPIRATION! I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE MY REALITY. I JUST WANT TO BE A NORMAL FAMILY. I DON’T WANT THIS. I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BEING WRENCHED FROM MY CHEST!!!!

I so believe God is using this story for His Kingdom. I truly believe He is calling me into His ministry to share His hope…through all situations. BUT I DON’T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THIS!! I totally submit to His will. I totally believe it is only by His strength I am still here. But …….

I would give it all back….to have them here with me. If I could change it….I would. In a heartbeat. If I could see their smiles….again….and just hold them……..God PLEASE…..this mommy’s heart is in a million pieces. It hurts so bad. I hate this. I really do.

If I had known…that when I saw Cody and Cory in the hospital when my mom had her surgery…it would be the last time…..I’d have held them longer…and maybe not let them go. If I’d have known…..I’d have made Caleb talk to me on the phone longer……and made him say he loved me….one. last. time.

As I sit here…..the tears won’t stop. I am continuing to get such sweet texts and messages….and sweet friends…I cannot express how much they mean to me. I truly believe God has placed such amazing people in my life…..in order to keep me going. As the tears flow….and the hurt…just doesn’t stop….it is the people I love….that keep me moving forward. It is those people…that give me my purpose.

My sweet boys…..I miss them so much….and can’t believe…I’ve lived without them now for so long. I still can see their faces when I close my eyes. I still can see their smiles….and imagine them now.

If you had told me that they would be taken from me in such a horrible way…that I’d have to go on living without them…..that I’d have to find a way to continue my life without them in it….I’d have told you I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it.

But, the reality is……I have gone on……I have found a way……..I have done it.

There are days, like today, I’ll be honest with you and tell you I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want this to be my life.

But, during this day……I’m reminded…..I haven’t done it alone. I have had family and friends who have walked me through this sixteen year process. I have had people I have never met…praying ….. for me to be able to continue. I’ll be reminded each time a person texts or messages me or “likes” a post on fb….that I am not alone. I am still here.

And…as I’ve said before…..if I am still here….then there must be more. I said on this date…..sixteen years ago….I promised God and my boys…that I would stay here and figure out why He left me here. And honestly….it is becoming so much more apparent to me.

He left me here to show others that …. through His strength….there is more. There is a family that I love and adore. My sweet husband and our two children are now my world. They are the glue that holds me together. My friends…..they are here for me no matter how crazy I am…..and love me no matter what….

And He is showing me…….that I am here…..to be His comma. My part in His story is to give hope to others. I’m being honest when I say I really think it stinks…….to have this story….but it is mine. Those sweet boys…..were mine. But really…they are His. They were only mine for a short while. And I’m going to be so honored…….to share them with the world…..and see just how He is going to allow our story………to touch yours!

Today has warmed my heart…..hearing stories of how my boy’s lives touched yours. I am very aware of how others were touched by the loss of my boys. If you ever want to share a story with me about one of the boys…or about how their loss has affected you…or where you were when you found out…..I’d actually LOVE to hear it.

Thank you for remembering with me today. Thank you for loving me through today. Thank you for your prayers and your kind words. I will always miss my babies!!

I want to share this pic…. my sweet daughter was playing in my jewelry one day and took this picture. It is of my c3 necklace. I love my c3angels. They will always be a part of me!

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Need to breathe and just enjoy today….

February 20, 2013 by Cheli Porter

So, today I had the conversation with a friend that they needed to enjoy where they are today. They needed to stop borrowing worry about tomorrow and anticipating what will be…..because they will, in turn, miss out on the joy that is today.

After our conversation she thanked me for my perspective…….but it was I….who had to take a step back and listen to my own words…and heed my own advice.

Don’t ya just hate it when your own words come back at you and just bite you in the butt???? That is what happened to me today.

I realized, after having that conversation, that I need to do just that. Rejoice in what my “today” is. I literally burst out in, “Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice” tunes that my pups were all too happy to listen to! But literally…it made me stop and realize…..we are told….really commanded to rejoice in our Lord…..every day….in every situation.

I’ll be honest…I don’t always feel like rejoicing in everything… And it is mostly in looking back at circumstances and times I’ve had, that I am finally able to rejoice.

Then as I drove for a while, my mind started comparing……my memories to my todays.

On this date back in 1997 it was a Thursday.
Today…it’s Wednesday.

Back then, weather wasn’t too bad.
Today……it’s snowing/raining/sleeting….. and who knows what will happen later! 🙂

Back then, I took the boys out for dinner at Arby’s. Had a fight with Cody since he wanted me to keep my “mom van” and I was considering getting a car! Was told I looked like their sister when we ordered our food! (OF COURSE I had to throw that one in there…..cuz I love that part!)
Today……I’m at work and tonight we have kid’s church and sis is doing her first Wednesday night pre-team class. I had to tell my sweet boy he didn’t advance to the State Science Fair from regionals and it kinda bummed us both out.

Back then…..after dinner, I drove the boys to their dad’s house. I didn’t know it then….but it would be the last time I ever saw Caleb alive. He was off to do something and I didn’t get to squeeze him….to hold him…. to memorize his sweet, little face.
Tonight…..I’m going to bring my kids home from church and just sit on the couch with them and let them curl up around me. I’m gonna ask them about their day and let them tell me anything and everything they want to. And I’m even going to pray that we get so much snow/ice tonight that they will cancel school tomorrow so I can spend even more time with them!

Back then…… I went home and prepared to be at my mother’s surgery the next morning. I knew it would be early so I didn’t stay up late. I talked to some friends on the phone and then went to bed to try to sleep. My mind was all over the place, so sleep didn’t really come. I talked to the boys…..told them goodnight again…and approved of Caleb going to his buddy’s house to spend the night.
Tonight…….I’m going to soak in the day….love on my kids……love on my husband….and try to memorize their faces!! I’m going to thank God for February 20, 1997…..and I’m going to thank Him for February 20, 2013.

Of all people out there….you’d think I should know to take every day, every moment……and rejoice in it! But so many times I let life just start to happen…and I worry….about the tomorrows. I should know that sometimes…….tomorrow….never comes. At least….not the way we plan it.
You would think….after everything I have been through…..this would be an easy lesson for me…. but it’s not. Even I need to be reminded. So I decided to share….so we ALL can be reminded…

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)

So, please take it a day at a time. Take time to rejoice in the season you are in….it might be the best you’ve ever had….or it might be a difficult time. Either way, we are called to rejoice. Rejoice in our sufferings……rejoice in our blessings! It isn’t easy…..I know. But it is possible. And sometimes…..when we do…just that…..we realize just how blessed we truly are!

Thanks for taking a stroll through my today and to my yesterday with me! Much love ~c

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