My Life as a COMMA!

Today is my third son’s 25th birthday.  I woke up this morning and was doing….okay. It wasn’t but a few hours that went by before I had my “fall apart”.  And this one….wasn’t pretty. Usually I do this when I am by myself or just with my husband…but this morning….my kids were here…and I couldn’t hold it in.  I had both of them in bed with me and my husband and I just cried and cried.  I told them to never go to bed mad because you just never know.  I told them I wanted them to learn to speak life into others…to be more positive….to use kind words and to always make sure they tell the ones the love….they love them!! 

These are things I try to do on a daily basis…but today…I really wanted it to sink in.

Today was supposed to be a HUGE milestone in the life of my sweet boy. But as I laid in my bed…I couldn’t even fathom what he would look like as a man. I couldn’t begin to know what he would be doing or how his life would look like at this point.

I’ve tried hard all day to go on and be as “normal” as possible. I’ve done some work….I’ve done homework…..I’ve done the “normal” stuff. But I don’t feel normal. 

Then I posted just a brief Happy Birthday to my sweet Caby-baby and immediately started getting such sweet responses. I know people think I’m strong…..I just haven’t felt it lately.

It is so hard to put into words how it feels to live inside my head. My days are such an anomaly sometimes. Like the other day, for instance. I went and had coffee with a friend…then a trip to the store.  It was my day off and I had already gotten both kids out the door to school. After the store, my car drove to the cemetery. Not my normal thing at all.  There was actually another funeral going on. This didn’t deter me at all. I got out of my car and went and sat at my boys’ headstone. I sat and talked with them and cried and cried. I had my phone with me…..and as tears were streaming down my face…I got a text from Bryce…. “Hey, will you come have lunch with me?”. I replied with another question…”Do you want me to?”….to which he replied “YES!:)”. 

So I left……cleaned up my face and went to pick him up…hoping I wouldn’t see too many of his friends because I was a bit scary looking at this time!!  I’m so glad I got to have lunch with him on THAT day. We sat across from each other just talking. When the waitress brought our food he thanked her then bowed his head to pray for us. Then we just sat there and talked. I don’t think he has any idea just how much joy that brought me! I watched him talk….his jawline is getting more pronounced….his voice is getting so deep….and his heart….is just precious. He is at a stage I never experienced with his brothers…..and I’m loving every minute of it.

I guess what I am trying to get across to you is that I’m really not that strong. I just choose to keep going. I choose to see all the little things that truly have such a BIG meaning when you see them as gifts from God. Just like this past Tuesday…I probably could have sat at the cemetery all day…… but I am so thankful that God chose to prompt Bryce to text me…and that I CHOSE to step out of my grief to realize the blessings I have right now!

Is it easy? No…never. My mind is filled with ways that my two worlds collide.  Sometimes it is difficult to make the choices to keep going and not give in to my feelings of not being strong enough or life being too hard. But every time that thought process starts to take over…..I have to think of my boys.  I want to make them proud. I want my time left on this earth to mean something. I don’t want to live just a mediocre existence. I want to be who God wants me to be!

So tonight…for Caleb’s birthday…I got on my blog site.  I have not been a “regular” blogger…it’s more hit or miss with me! But when I looked on my “stats” and started digging I realized that my mission is for my life to be a comma.  To share with others and give them hope through Christ that no matter what they are facing…with Him all things truly are possible.  And that…after reading some of my struggles and triumphs….it will someone help them feel hopeful that they too, can have life more abundantly the way that Christ truly intended!!  I was humbled to see this….when I was looking. It is the stats from just the last year…of the countries who have been touched by my blog.  It helped me to realize I am doing what He asked. It helped me feel so small…yet so big at the same time!  He is so good to show me His ways.

I am happy to share that in the past year…..there have been visitors to my blog from 81 countries!!!! I wish I knew the names of all of the thousands of people…only so I could pray for each of them to be changed by His love and kindness!
Okay….so what does this have to do with not feeling so strong…? Well…. because I don’t feel strong. I just don’t. But what God is showing me is that I don’t have to feel strong for Him to use me….I just have to be real. I just have to be available. I just have to be willing. I don’t have to always feel strong….because HE is strong for me!
My prayer for whoever reads this is to have the joy my sweet Caleb had! In his short 8 years of life…..he LIVED IT! He LOVED IT! and he SHARED IT! So…for his birthday….I’m committing to continuing to share! I’m continuing to pray that the lives of my boys will continue to lead others to Christ!
Thanks to my sweet angels for watching over their momma…. Happy Birthday Caleb! I’m sure every day with Jesus is a celebration! I can’t wait to join the party!!!