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BIG NEWS!!!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on July 11, 2014| 11 Comments »

Okay!! Okay!!

So…maybe I’ve been toying with a few of my friends…..telling them I have big news but not quite spilling the beans! It’s been kinda fun….I have to admit! And I’ve loved all the guesses!

Before I spill the beans….I do want to turn your attention to something a bit more serious.

On my way to work this morning I heard about the family in Texas where the mother, father, two boys and two girls were murdered and only the 15 year old daughter survived. She was so brave….and even in her own suffering and through her own injuries…she was able to dial 911 and identify the attacker so that police could catch him before he went and killed more of her family members.

So now, as she is fighting for her life and recovery….she will have to start the process of redefining what her life is and her new “normal”. She will forever have a date in her life that is before….and after. A date that to some….will define her.

My prayer is that she will cling to the One who held her and her family during that very day and trust that she is still here to fulfill a purpose for His Kingdom! I pray that she doesn’t go through “survivor’s guilt” and that she is surrounded by people that will allow her to heal emotionally as well as physically….in her own way….and in her own time.

I know these feelings. The before and after. The feeling that my life, being National news for a while….was not my own any more. I pray for space for this girl. Space to grow up and to make her own choices. Once your story goes public….it’s as if the public feels they have a say in your life….a say in who you are or even in how you’ve responded to the tragedy that put you into their news in the first place!

Let me tell you….this is NOT an easy place to be. When your life is exposed to the public….it’s as if people think that since they know a part of your story…that they know you! This isn’t true! Partly because what you see isn’t always the whole story. You don’t see the emotions and everything that has truly happened. I pray…..I sincerely pray….that this girl is given her privacy as she grieves and mourns her family.

I went to work in silence. I turned off the radio and just prayed. It brought back a flood of memories. I asked my family NOT to speak to the media after the boys died. And my family and friends respected my wishes. I was given a police liason and was told national shows like Geraldo and others were calling….and I didn’t respond to any of them.

But then, the Oprah show came along.

The first show I did was such a surprise. It wasn’t like they were calling me and doing a show on my story….it was a contest. One that THOUSANDS entered. I thought….NO WAY…..but then it happened.

Then, when they found out I had remarried and was going to use the trip Oprah gave me as my honeymoon….I went and did another show. This one was more low key……….. and really not as big a deal.

But then I got the call to do the third show. The premise was to help someone who had been through a similar tragedy. Their hope was that since I was farther down the road…that I would be able to help. Instead of the “textbook” answers, they wanted to provide hope from a “survivor”….so I did the show again. The show was title, “The Worst Day of My Life”. It was difficult…but my thought process was that if I could help someone….then that is exactly what I felt I was supposed to do.

I REALLY would rather just live in my house with my sweet family and be a mom and a wife and live as “normal” a life as I can….

But God has shown me…that those aren’t His plans for me. He has been revealing that to me in a mighty way over the past several months.

So….here is my news!

In case you haven’t figured it out…..I’ve done ANOTHER Oprah show!!!!

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The Oprah Winfrey Network has a show titled, “Where Are They Now?” and I was asked to be a part of this show. I just received confirmation today that the show will air on OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network) on Sunday evening, July 20th!

This has really not been easy for me. Please join me in prayer that God will use this update to speak to people that don’t feel like they can make it through whatever they may be going through……and give them some hope!
That….truly…is the reason I agreed to open my life….my family…up to this in the first place.

This will be the first show you will hear from my ENTIRE family. My sweet husband, son and daughter will get to be a part of this show and I’m so proud of each of them for stepping up and doing this with me! I can’t even begin to share with you how much they each mean to me!

Please just be in prayer with me that God will use this show to give someone out there hope. Pray that if this be His time, that this could be the catalyst of someone becoming interested in having me speak and for me to gain more of a larger voice that could help spread the love and hope in our Lord and His Kingdom!

Pray that by opening up my family to the public again…that we be protected from the difficulties that can sometimes cause and the protective hands of Christ be over our household.

But mostly…..just pray that others will see Christ through me…in me….and want what I’ve had…through Him!

Much love to you all……
May you step outside your comfort zone to glorify His kingdom and be blessed by so many friends….just as you’ve each….blessed me!!
~c

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17 YEARS! I can’t believe it has been this long!

Posted in Uncategorized on February 22, 2014| 4 Comments »

I have been dreading this day for a while now. I can’t believe it has been seventeen years since my sweet boys were on this earth.

I knew this year would be hard. This year, it wasn’t just about the dates and all the memories……it is also the same days. It happened on a Saturday…..so all the days leading up to today…..the memories have been so real and so raw. For almost a week now I haven’t had more than two hours of sleep per night because I just haven’t been able to shut off my mind. The memories of the places we went, the conversations we had and the events of the week leading up to today…are as real as if they happened last week.

Usually on this day, by now, I’ve had some alone time. Time to just allow my thoughts to come flooding to my mind and to just break. But I usually wait until I am alone and my family is out the door. It is usually mid morning and I’ve blogged my raw emotions and just allowed myself to have that time to feel everything. But today has been different…..because my family has been home. I’ve still allowed myself to feel it…but today has been a bit different.

Instead of one big break down…I’ve had many.

Any time someone asks how I am…the tears come.
Any time someone gives me a hug….the tears come.
My sweet hubs and boy are the most in tune to it and the hugs and kisses have been MANY!

The emotions still feel so raw. It still feels so unreal.

I’ve melted into my husband’s embrace and just broken. Silent sobs…..thinking…remembering. As I laid my head across his chest….I could hear his heartbeat. How I wished my children’s hearts were still beating…….As I thanked God for my blessings now…..I kept thinking of my blessings that aren’t here……

My two worlds collided in a big way today.

As I mourned and missed my children that are no longer with me….I had my husband and children surrounding me with love and compassion.

Today I allowed myself to do some things that I haven’t done before on an anniversary like this.

I asked my husband to lay a towel across the foot of my bed and place a trunk I have in my room on top of it. In this trunk are treasures I turn to when I need lifting up…..

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This is what surrounded me.

I have every card, every note, every picture drawn, every floral card, every trinket I was given after my boys died. I even have several small scrolls of paper that the children of their school had written to put inside balloons and send to heaven. There were so many notes, the balloons were too weighted down and so I have what wouldn’t fit.

So, Bryan and I sat in my bed and read all of it. It took hours. We had a box of Kleenex in between us because we both cried multiple times as we read the sweet notes. Bryce joined us for some of it…..

What I love the most are the notes from the kids. They are so real and so pure. They shared what they loved about the boys….stories about them….the things they liked most about each one. They tried so hard to say what they could to cheer me up. I even have phone numbers and addresses in case I needed anything… One was even so kind as to share the phone number and info to her own counselor……in case I needed someone to talk to! They were precious. There were prayers and scripture. I just love how raw and real they were.

I remember being so angry at the time it happened that such small children had to deal with such a hard situation in losing a friend. It was so senseless.

What today helped me realize….as I read all of these….is how loved my boys were! Not just by me….but by so many!! I know this…..but this helped remind me today. One note said he didn’t know my boys…but by the number of kids who were so sad….he knows he wished he had known them!

They spoke of their smiles……of their abilities in sports and school…… But mostly…they all seemed to talk about what good friends each of them were and how they loved The Lord and were good examples of His love to others.

It’s the notes of these children…that I loved. I appreciated the love from everyone. I was amazed at the number of cards there were. So many from people I didn’t even know…who assured me they were praying for me.

Just like today…the notes from family and friends….that they loved me and were praying. Today…..as so many other days….I’ve felt those prayers. I’ve needed them and I’m so thankful for them. I’m really not so strong.

Thank you for remembering with me. It has been a blessing…the posts and texts…..that others remember and will never forget. Obviously…I won’t. But I can’t tell you how it does this momma’s heart to know how many of you haven’t either!!!

Tonight…the other thing I did…for the first time in years….was to find the old tapes of the boys….and watch them with my family.

I got to sit and watch each of my boys playing soccer! I got to watch a musical and hear my sweet Cory sing his solo!!

I can’t even begin to tell you how it felt to see them….to watch them and their smiles tonight. It felt so real all over again. It felt so good to see them smile and to wave and to be able to share that with their brother and sister. Bryce asked who he was built most like. Breanna asked if she got her singing from Cory. It was wonderful and terrible and miserably sad all at the same time! I relished seeing them….but at the same time…my heart wrenched because it had been so long since I’ve seen those beautiful big eyes and smiles!

Then as I broke out the next tape…..it was of my sweet husband’s birthday and when I shared that I was expecting my rainbow…Bryce. Then there were more of Bryce and Breanna while they were little…… It was as if God was showing me that my life has gone on and I have been happy!

Today…my two worlds have collided again. The pain in my heart feels like it will choke out my last breath….but the joy in my heart ……..it opens my heart back up and allows it to continue again!

I want to share with you some of the sweet notes I found today.

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These are a few of the sweet notes that were going into the balloons!

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All of these are so precious to me. There are so many ….. so I’ve decided to take pictures of every one of these….and put them into a book!

But nothing is as precious…as the simple fact….that I was blessed…to be the mom….to three of the most amazing boys on this earth!
Cody…..in your 11 years you made people smile and feel good about themselves. You preached Jesus by your actions, not just your words!
Cory….in your 10 years you smiled and laughed with everyone. You sang your heart out any time anyone would listen! You believed in yourself. You lived out your faith daily and were a great friend to all!
Caleb…..You smiled always! You found everything fascinating and had such a fabulous way of looking at the world. In your short 8 years, you taught me and others more about life than I could have learned without you in my entire life time!

I cannot even express the hurt I feel right now. I am kind of numb……realizing that I have lived for so long without them. My mommy’s heart is broken…..in a way that will never heal.

I saw that after many posted on my facebook that they were thinking about me…..several seemed to think it was my birthday and wished me a Happy Birthday. I told a friend..in some ways it is one of my birthdays….it was my birthday of a whole different life. I feel like, on this day seventeen years ago….I lost everything. I felt like my world was ending and I couldn’t imagine my life continuing without my children.

But God showed me that my life….was His life. He showed me that HE was writing the story of my life …and HE wasn’t finished with me yet. So for the past seventeen years, I’ve allowed Him to be the author of my blank pages. I can’t say I like everything He has put in it……but I do trust Him.

I have many chapters left and can’t wait to see how He is glorified. You see…..in and through all of this. …. He has been my constant and my sustainer. He is my strength and who I cling to. I cling to His promise that my days here will seem like a mist…..and my eternity will be with Him and my boys!

Cody, Cory and Caleb…..I can’t wait for that day to come!! I will finish the race He has set before me…. But to be honest….I can’t wait to see you ….at the finish line!

Love to you my sweet babies! ~momma

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 22, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Today I want to give thanks and wish the best dad in the world…a Happy Birthday! 

Most of the time..my posts are more about the daily struggles or happy moments of my immediate family…or about the people I have loved and lost!

BUT NOT TODAY! Today is about my dad.  He was my first dance partner, my first love, my biggest fan and always present in my life!

Dad is a hard worker. From the time I was little, I remember him working.  He worked two jobs for a while…. Days at Montgomery Wards and nights at 7=11.  But Dad also knew how to have fun! He loved to dance with mom and me….and play games and have cookouts!

Dad also had a sense of fun! When I was in 7th grade….I decided to cut my long hair into layers..for the first time. I also was going to get a perm…for the first time. At that time, I spelled my name Shelly…and for some reason…Dad decided since I was making all these changes..it would be a good time to change how I spelled my name. That is when I started being known as Cheli. I think it fits me better that way. Dad says I was just way too unique to have such a plain spelling of my name!! =)

Dad has also been the strong, silent type.  Yes, I mostly went to mom when I needed something or to talk…but he was always there. He let me know I could be anything, do anything…..and that he believed in me.

As a parent now, I see some of the struggles and pain I caused him.  I deeply regret those times. As an adult, I see more clearly his resolve to help his family. He has always wanted for all of us…and not so much for himself.

I have to give him huge credit for so much. The strong, silent type is what I saw.  I didn’t see so many of the times he had to be strong.

It makes me think of the day my boys died. HE is the one I called for help. HE is the one who had to dial 911. HE is the one the police told first. HE is the one who had to call and tell me the most gut-wrenching news. HE is the one who had to go to the hospital and tell my mom (She had had surgery the day before). HE was the one who brought her home and readied the house for me to come home and all the visitors we would have. HE is the one who dealt with the media. HE is the one who sat beside me as police came to question me… HE is the one who went to the funeral home and helped me make all my decisions. HE is the one who while doing all of this, was still working and taking care of my mom who was terminal with cancer. HE is the one we have all turned to…

But who was he turning to? He had to be strong for all of us. He was the one who helped to hold us together. HE is the one I turned to in my darkest hour.
I must say…..I’ve seen my father go through a lot in life. His health issues……the loss of loved ones. He has always remained the strong, silent type…through them all.

But I also must say….I’ve never been so excited or so proud of my dad as the day I saw him be baptized at church. The knowledge I would get to spend eternity with this strong, silent man…..makes my heart smile in ways you just can’t imagine.

Daddy, you are one of the bravest men I know. You’ve helped me walk through so much in this life. I’ve learned from you. I’ve learned to be strong…and sometimes to be silent. I’m so proud to be your girl. That is why I want to share this pic of you walking with me…on one of the happiest days of my life.

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Thank you for always being there. Thank you for always loving me.
I love you forever and always!
Happy Birthday Daddy! You’re my hero!
Your little girl ~c

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Not feeling so strong…..

Posted in Uncategorized on October 14, 2013| 4 Comments »

Today is my third son’s 25th birthday.  I woke up this morning and was doing….okay. It wasn’t but a few hours that went by before I had my “fall apart”.  And this one….wasn’t pretty. Usually I do this when I am by myself or just with my husband…but this morning….my kids were here…and I couldn’t hold it in.  I had both of them in bed with me and my husband and I just cried and cried.  I told them to never go to bed mad because you just never know.  I told them I wanted them to learn to speak life into others…to be more positive….to use kind words and to always make sure they tell the ones the love….they love them!! 

These are things I try to do on a daily basis…but today…I really wanted it to sink in.

Today was supposed to be a HUGE milestone in the life of my sweet boy. But as I laid in my bed…I couldn’t even fathom what he would look like as a man. I couldn’t begin to know what he would be doing or how his life would look like at this point.

I’ve tried hard all day to go on and be as “normal” as possible. I’ve done some work….I’ve done homework…..I’ve done the “normal” stuff. But I don’t feel normal. 

Then I posted just a brief Happy Birthday to my sweet Caby-baby and immediately started getting such sweet responses. I know people think I’m strong…..I just haven’t felt it lately.

It is so hard to put into words how it feels to live inside my head. My days are such an anomaly sometimes. Like the other day, for instance. I went and had coffee with a friend…then a trip to the store.  It was my day off and I had already gotten both kids out the door to school. After the store, my car drove to the cemetery. Not my normal thing at all.  There was actually another funeral going on. This didn’t deter me at all. I got out of my car and went and sat at my boys’ headstone. I sat and talked with them and cried and cried. I had my phone with me…..and as tears were streaming down my face…I got a text from Bryce…. “Hey, will you come have lunch with me?”. I replied with another question…”Do you want me to?”….to which he replied “YES!:)”. 

So I left……cleaned up my face and went to pick him up…hoping I wouldn’t see too many of his friends because I was a bit scary looking at this time!!  I’m so glad I got to have lunch with him on THAT day. We sat across from each other just talking. When the waitress brought our food he thanked her then bowed his head to pray for us. Then we just sat there and talked. I don’t think he has any idea just how much joy that brought me! I watched him talk….his jawline is getting more pronounced….his voice is getting so deep….and his heart….is just precious. He is at a stage I never experienced with his brothers…..and I’m loving every minute of it.

I guess what I am trying to get across to you is that I’m really not that strong. I just choose to keep going. I choose to see all the little things that truly have such a BIG meaning when you see them as gifts from God. Just like this past Tuesday…I probably could have sat at the cemetery all day…… but I am so thankful that God chose to prompt Bryce to text me…and that I CHOSE to step out of my grief to realize the blessings I have right now!

Is it easy? No…never. My mind is filled with ways that my two worlds collide.  Sometimes it is difficult to make the choices to keep going and not give in to my feelings of not being strong enough or life being too hard. But every time that thought process starts to take over…..I have to think of my boys.  I want to make them proud. I want my time left on this earth to mean something. I don’t want to live just a mediocre existence. I want to be who God wants me to be!

So tonight…for Caleb’s birthday…I got on my blog site.  I have not been a “regular” blogger…it’s more hit or miss with me! But when I looked on my “stats” and started digging I realized that my mission is for my life to be a comma.  To share with others and give them hope through Christ that no matter what they are facing…with Him all things truly are possible.  And that…after reading some of my struggles and triumphs….it will someone help them feel hopeful that they too, can have life more abundantly the way that Christ truly intended!!  I was humbled to see this….when I was looking. It is the stats from just the last year…of the countries who have been touched by my blog.  It helped me to realize I am doing what He asked. It helped me feel so small…yet so big at the same time!  He is so good to show me His ways.

 

I am happy to share that in the past year…..there have been visitors to my blog from 81 countries!!!! I wish I knew the names of all of the thousands of people…only so I could pray for each of them to be changed by His love and kindness!
Okay….so what does this have to do with not feeling so strong…? Well…. because I don’t feel strong. I just don’t. But what God is showing me is that I don’t have to feel strong for Him to use me….I just have to be real. I just have to be available. I just have to be willing. I don’t have to always feel strong….because HE is strong for me!
My prayer for whoever reads this is to have the joy my sweet Caleb had! In his short 8 years of life…..he LIVED IT! He LOVED IT! and he SHARED IT! So…for his birthday….I’m committing to continuing to share! I’m continuing to pray that the lives of my boys will continue to lead others to Christ!
Thanks to my sweet angels for watching over their momma…. Happy Birthday Caleb! I’m sure every day with Jesus is a celebration! I can’t wait to join the party!!!get-attachment

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Happy Birthday BRYCE!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 23, 2013| 3 Comments »

I can’t believe it! 14 years ago today….God looked down on me and smiled….and sent the most beautiful rainbow I’ve ever seen! His name is Bryce…..and after the storms of life had beat me down and left me feeling lifeless and without the hope of being a mom on this earth again……the sun decided to shine on me when Bryce’s dad, Bryan, came into my life and then the rainbow came shortly after!!

That is truly how I feel…….He was then…and always will be my rainbow. He is my promise from God that life does go on and there truly is always more!

I have loved getting to be his mom. What a blessing he has been! The prophetic words of my doctor…..when, as he was being delivered by c-section said, “Oh my God…it’s a football player….to now…..watching this big, strong boy as one of the starters of the 8th grade football team.

But nothing……nothing….is better than just sitting and talking with him….and seeing his heart. That boy has a huge heart. Yes, we’ve gone through some ups and downs…but his heart is held by Jesus! And Bryce knows this beyond a shadow of a doubt. And talking with him and watching him….brings me such joy! It’s as if God just keeps smiling at me and saying…., “See…..there was more….so much more that you couldn’t even believe!”.

One of my favorite scriptures is Habakkuk 1:5! It says….”Look around among the nations and see! And be astonished! Astounded! For I am putting into effect a work in your days that you would not believe it if it were told you.” (Amp. Version)

If someone had told me over 16 years ago I’d be happy…gloriously happy…and celebrating the 14th Birthday of my wonderful son……I wouldn’t have believed it. To be quite honest with you…I don’t think I would have even dreamed it. I would have been way too afraid.

But God….He KNOWS! He knew then I had more to come…more to live for….more to do….more lives to change. I just wasn’t ready to hear it! I’m so thankful I stuck around to see it and experience what He had in store!

There is nothing more important to me…..than my family! They are my “WHY”!!! They are my gifts from God.

So today I celebrate my son! Bryce……you have greatness in you! I see God at work in you and through you…..and although we don’t know what is around the corner and waiting for you…I know that God has blessings in abundance planned for your life! Thank you for blessing me…..for loving me through…..and letting me be your mom.

I couldn’t be prouder!

All my love, forever and always! ~mom

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Bryce, my "too cool for pics" 6th grader!

Bryce, my “too cool for pics” 6th grader!

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Change…..it isn’t always easy.

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on July 25, 2013| 2 Comments »

When change is presented to you….how do you see it?

Do you perceive it as a good thing? Do you resist with everything you have in you? Do you wait and see if the same change has treated someone else well…and then jump full in wanting the same good things to happen for you? Do you research and find out all the bad stuff that could possibly happen and try to disprove every ounce of possible change?

or….

Do you embrace it as a gift from God?

I have to be honest….I think I could put myself into every single category listed above… AND MORE!

What I’d like to think though….is that no matter what my initial reaction is to change….that I ALWAYS end up thanking God for the change and how it has changed me.

There are so many ways to go with this…so I’ll share a few of my own….

1.) My children haven’t known a tremendous amount of change. We’ve lived in the same house for almost 13 years…they’ve attended the same schools….had the same friends…. So major life changes haven’t really affected them a lot. Until recently….the principal of the elementary school where my daughter attends changed positions and moved into an administrative role in the district. When she found out…(which I delayed because I was concerned of her reaction..) she looked at me and tears started welling up in her eyes. We were in the car and she was in the front seat with me. As soon as I saw the tears, she turned her head. After a long pause, she turned and looked at me and told me she wanted to change schools. She said she wanted to go back to the private school where she had attended pre-school. I told her that wouldn’t be necessary. I assured her the new principal would be a great addition to the school……after which she reminded me I had once said that the previous principal was the best and there was no one better than him…..(me…inserting foot right about now…). She conceded to go about her summer…but now..here we sit about 3 weeks before school starts and the anxiety in her is beginning to build. I have had to resist the urge to do a search of the new principal and get all the feedback I possibly can…. I….am choosing….to trust HIM.

2.) I am very open minded…I love new opportunities. But I have been burned, more than once, and had shut the door on that way of thinking. I am very happy in my current job. My husband is very happy. We are doing well and were not looking for ANYthing new in our lives….(as if we needed something more to do…). But….along came an opportunity and some friends, (very Godly friends I might add..) who shared something new with us. They told us how it would benefit our family…how I could travel with and make more memories with my family. Instead of brushing them off…..and even….instead of trying to figure out EVERY single reason why I shouldn’t do this and I couldn’t do this and there was no way I could make this work….instead….I decided to trust Him. I jumped in without abandon. I did what I usually don’t do…and am beginning to see that I am not the one that will be changed and blessed through this….but how I am going to be able to bless others~! I choose….to trust HIM!

By now…..I’m sure you are seeing that some of these changes are not the big…life altering….”I didn’t ask for this” kind of changes we often deal with. No, sis doesn’t have a choice who her principal is…but really..that isn’t a big deal. And….choosing to start something new…yes…that was my choice. Not easy..but still …it was mine to make..for myself. So if you are there…..keep reading…the next one is for you.

3.) This is one I’ll just call……”where my two worlds collide”.
You see…this past week…I got to travel to another state to meet my “kinda” twin grandbabies. I say “kinda”…..only because their dad is one of my oldest son’s best friends. No, these are not my “babies by blood”. His family, and brothers, are and were some of the sweetest people I know. They were my oldest 3 boys best buddies….and I love them all. They still call me mom. I sat in the front row of his wedding as his “kinda” mom….and have enjoyed trips to see them and them coming to see us. Anyway….he has 4 month old twins…a boy and girl…who have stolen my heart. I went to spend time with them for two days. To play “Mimi” to these babies and just hang out. I loved it. More than I thought my heart could…..I truly loved it. The baby boy….is named after my oldest son. I am so honored to know that my sweet boy made enough of an impact…for someone to do this.
So, where is the difficult choice here you ask????? It is in allowing myself to be mom to these boys and to be Mimi to these babies. Because on our last evening….as I put those babies to sleep and took them to their beds…I held a baby boy,a baby boy named after my baby boy……………

and my two worlds collided………..

As much in love as I am…with this family…I was reminded that this is my “could have been….SHOULD have been”. But instead…this is my now. As I laid this sweet baby in his bed and watched him sleep….just as I did his namesake 28 years ago…..I had a choice to make.

I choose to TRUST HIM!

28 years ago…I was 17 and scared. I was still in high school and quite frankly….I wasn’t a believer. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I had different plans for my life…and none of them included family…or kids.

But I believed He had a plan for me…and I chose to trust in it.

I can literally look back now….and see the paths of my life…and how each part of it…..has led me closer to HIM. Even the parts I didn’t plan…..and especially the parts I didn’t want. But …. I kept moving. Sometimes backwards….but mostly forward. And eventually….I conceded that His plan….was always best for me.

And today….28 years later…I’m still scared sometimes. But now I have this relationship with Christ…and I see God as my Father. I’m still choosing to believe in His different plans for my life. I will be Mimi to those babies…even though they aren’t the children of my children….they will know me…and know my sons… I will choose to do what is best for my family now….and work hard at becoming the servant He wants me to be.

I’m not saying I’ve always liked it. I’m not saying it is easy. What I am saying…is this….

Think of the many times change has happened in your life. Did you fight it kicking and screaming…..only to realize there was nothing you could have done to make it different? Or did you embrace it..? Accept it? I’m not saying like it….. I’m just saying you might just realize that change…is sometimes necessary to grow…to learn…to strengthen.

Let me show you my way for you this day. I guide you continually so you can relax and enjoy My Presence in the present. Living well is both a discipline and an art. Concentrate on staying close to Me, the divine Artist. Discipline your thoughts to trust Me as I work My ways in your life. Pray about everything; then, leave outcomes up to Me. Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplish what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of absolute trust in Me. Underneath are the everlasting arms!/blockquote>

This quote is from my Jesus Calling devotional. It has been speaking to me. I truly believe we can’t always choose what happens to us…..but WE CAN choose how we react and respond to it. We can choose to train our thoughts on our Heavenly Father and how He and His kingdom can be glorified in and through every situation. I believe He will hold us when we want to scream and kick and cry….and believe that the changes sometimes don’t seem fair! I believe He is big enough…loves us enough….to hold us…until we are calm and are ready for Him to show us His ways are right….His ways are pure…and we WILL be better…..one day.

If there is any way I can pray for you…or help you through a storm…don’t hesitate to let me know!
Much love ~c

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Need to breathe and just enjoy today….

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on February 20, 2013| Leave a Comment »

So, today I had the conversation with a friend that they needed to enjoy where they are today. They needed to stop borrowing worry about tomorrow and anticipating what will be…..because they will, in turn, miss out on the joy that is today.

After our conversation she thanked me for my perspective…….but it was I….who had to take a step back and listen to my own words…and heed my own advice.

Don’t ya just hate it when your own words come back at you and just bite you in the butt???? That is what happened to me today.

I realized, after having that conversation, that I need to do just that. Rejoice in what my “today” is. I literally burst out in, “Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice” tunes that my pups were all too happy to listen to! But literally…it made me stop and realize…..we are told….really commanded to rejoice in our Lord…..every day….in every situation.

I’ll be honest…I don’t always feel like rejoicing in everything… And it is mostly in looking back at circumstances and times I’ve had, that I am finally able to rejoice.

Then as I drove for a while, my mind started comparing……my memories to my todays.

On this date back in 1997 it was a Thursday.
Today…it’s Wednesday.

Back then, weather wasn’t too bad.
Today……it’s snowing/raining/sleeting….. and who knows what will happen later! 🙂

Back then, I took the boys out for dinner at Arby’s. Had a fight with Cody since he wanted me to keep my “mom van” and I was considering getting a car! Was told I looked like their sister when we ordered our food! (OF COURSE I had to throw that one in there…..cuz I love that part!)
Today……I’m at work and tonight we have kid’s church and sis is doing her first Wednesday night pre-team class. I had to tell my sweet boy he didn’t advance to the State Science Fair from regionals and it kinda bummed us both out.

Back then…..after dinner, I drove the boys to their dad’s house. I didn’t know it then….but it would be the last time I ever saw Caleb alive. He was off to do something and I didn’t get to squeeze him….to hold him…. to memorize his sweet, little face.
Tonight…..I’m going to bring my kids home from church and just sit on the couch with them and let them curl up around me. I’m gonna ask them about their day and let them tell me anything and everything they want to. And I’m even going to pray that we get so much snow/ice tonight that they will cancel school tomorrow so I can spend even more time with them!

Back then…… I went home and prepared to be at my mother’s surgery the next morning. I knew it would be early so I didn’t stay up late. I talked to some friends on the phone and then went to bed to try to sleep. My mind was all over the place, so sleep didn’t really come. I talked to the boys…..told them goodnight again…and approved of Caleb going to his buddy’s house to spend the night.
Tonight…….I’m going to soak in the day….love on my kids……love on my husband….and try to memorize their faces!! I’m going to thank God for February 20, 1997…..and I’m going to thank Him for February 20, 2013.

Of all people out there….you’d think I should know to take every day, every moment……and rejoice in it! But so many times I let life just start to happen…and I worry….about the tomorrows. I should know that sometimes…….tomorrow….never comes. At least….not the way we plan it.
You would think….after everything I have been through…..this would be an easy lesson for me…. but it’s not. Even I need to be reminded. So I decided to share….so we ALL can be reminded…

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:4-7 NIV)

So, please take it a day at a time. Take time to rejoice in the season you are in….it might be the best you’ve ever had….or it might be a difficult time. Either way, we are called to rejoice. Rejoice in our sufferings……rejoice in our blessings! It isn’t easy…..I know. But it is possible. And sometimes…..when we do…just that…..we realize just how blessed we truly are!

Thanks for taking a stroll through my today and to my yesterday with me! Much love ~c

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It’s okay to NOT be okay……..

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , on February 19, 2013| 9 Comments »

Okay….since my last post was about not comparing ourselves to others….especially their highlights to our low moments…..I’m going to continue to be very transparent.

Maybe the title gave it away…but I’m just not in my usual…”Happy! Happy!” smiling self! I’m ok….but underneath everything…I’m not. I’m emotional beyond words……

Last night, all my husband had to do was look at me and give me a big hug….and I broke out in tears. I told him, I soooooo wished I was “normal”. He reminded me there is no such thing as “normal”. But, all I know…..is my reality….. and it is NOT normal!!!

Then, this morning, a friend just sent me a sweet text…..letting me know she woke up with me on her mind….she knows it is a hard week for me…and that she’d be praying for me. Well, off go the water works again. It meant so much that in the midst of her busy life….she took the time to remember me and how this week is so hard.

It is hard. It isn’t any easier……and at this point….I don’t think it EVER will be!

Today is the day….usually my mind starts this process. You see, today would have been my parents’ wedding anniversary……and there is something about that date…. that starts my mind thinking, remembering…..every detail from February 19th through February 25th, 1997.

I don’t know how to explain it. I can focus on my “today” and the life I am living now….but there is this ever-present feeling, remembering, going on in my head….in my heart! I have this all the time, really…..but this week it seems to magnify itself. It makes me emotional….and I never know how I will react to it. Sometimes, I am perfectly fine….and can go on about my life and almost no one could tell this is “that week“. Other times….I’m pretty ok…just emotional…more so than normal. Then there are times, when I’d rather just hole up in my own cocoon and not go out. I don’t want to live in my current reality…because it still hurts so bad. I just want to be by myself…not have to talk to anyone…not have to do anything!

I can honestly say…..I thought it would be much better by now. I thought it would be different…not hurt as much. I thought, after a certain number of years, I would be able to talk about it, think about it and go through this week and it just me a part of me….a memory….a story I could talk about. But no…..it still hurts. It still stings in a way I can’t describe. It continues to knock the breath out of me in a way I just can’t describe. What I thought……is never going to happen. I now realize this will never go away. My grief is a life long process.

I saw this quote and realized it is so true…..

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And…..so for me….and all those I know who have felt the loss of a child….

Allow me to share some thoughts with everyone. Some of these thoughts I have shared before…some….maybe not… Please know I am sharing from my heart…..and I just need you to hear it with love.

First……I KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT….that my boys are with Jesus! I know their hearts were filled with His Holy Spirit and upon the very second their earthly lives were over…their heavenly eternity began! And Yes…..I rejoice in that knowledge! BUT…even in that knowledge….there are some times…it just. doesn’t. make it better! Because I AM THEIR MOM! I want them here with me! I want them to want me….to neeeeed me….the way that I need them to be here so I can hold them! It is unnatural for me to imagine continuing with my earthly life when my children’s lives are not walking here with me during mine! Knowing this in my head……does not make it hurt any less. It didn’t then….and now….just short of 16 years later, it still doesn’t help! I am thankful that one day I will see them again….and we can spend eternity together……but it doesn’t stop the hurt in a momma’s heart while I’m still here!

So, if you know a parent who has lost a child…at any age…..be mindful of this. Please…oh dear friends please….do NOT tell those parents they should be rejoicing in these things! Please understand that while we KNOW these things……we still don’t want them to be true! No matter what the reason……no matter how long our children were with us…..we WANT them to be here…with US….not in heaven. Not because that isn’t the eternity we would wish or want them to have…but because we don’t want that eternity to begin before our own!

Second….. It doesn’t matter how long it has been….. it will never stop hurting! Don’t tell someone that it will get better with time…. Don’t tell them that grief is a natural process and that they should be done grieving by a certain time…… because it DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!!! There are no….SHOULD BEs…..there are no….rules of grief….and there is no “time line”. Every one always said to me, “The first year is the hardest.”….. so I expected my second year to be so much better….easier. Guess what? It was WORSE! By the second year….I was starting to not be able to tell you who they would have been hanging out with…..what they would be liking….which sport would be their favorite! And now……here I sit….16 years on Friday since they have been gone…..and it is almost worse. I don’t know what they’d look like…..who they might have married…where they would have gone to school….if I’d have grandkids with one of them….two of them…maybe all three! I just don’t know! But it is my reality. I live on the edge of…this is my life…and this could have been my life! And there are constant reminders daily of each of these. I am so thankful for those I have in my life now. I truly love the older ones who call me mom and allow their babies to be my grandkids….. But I want that from my boys! I want to scream it sometimes…..I just want my babies back!!!!!!!!! I want to have fought with them through their teenage years like I am doing now with their brother! I want to sit on the front row of their wedding like I was so graciously allowed to do at one of their best friend’s weddings! I want to have my grand-babies call me and tell me about everything…like I get to do with my oh so precious adopted daughter! I want what I thought my life would be like to be my reality! But…..

It is what it is…..when it is…..and lasts….until we meet them on the other side!

Don’t freak out! I’m ok. Really…..I am. This is just a glimpse into the reality that is in my head and my heart. I LOVE my family I have now. I LOVE the life I am leading now. I LOVE the ministry God has given me through my story. BUT…..I’d be lying if I told you I am always happy…. My memories make me happy. My life now makes me happy. But there are just some times the hurt is overwhelming and the two worlds that are my life just don’t match up too well…..

Do I wish things were different…sure. But seeing God do such a work through all of this…..in me, as well as others…is humbling. Do I wish God could accomplish some of the things He has used my story to accomplish in a different way…YOU BETCHA! But I’m honored and so thankful He has chosen to use my story to bring others hope in His love.

If you can’t find me this next week….or I seem a little out of it….now you know why. I think I’ll go and just stay a while in the same place I was 16 years ago…..I’m gonna crawl into the lap of my Heavenly Father and just imagine His great big arms….holding me…..comforting me. Because even when no one else here “gets” me….He does. He understands me….and He accepts me. He allows me to me mad…to hurt…to cry…to yell. He is big enough. He will still love me. And for that….I am thankful.

Much love to each of you! And if you know of someone going through something…I pray my words will help you find grace for them…..even if they aren’t where you think they “should” be.

One of my now famous sayings is this….”It’s okay to be down….it just isn’t okay to stay there”. I’ve learned that I have to let myself feel these feelings….or they will come up later and really get to me! I’ve realized that no matter how bad some things may seem….if we continue to walk through them….they will only last for a season and that things WILL change!

He is faithful….my God can/will continue to perform miracles! I feel blessed that me being here….is one of them! ~c

“I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13

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Comparing…..just unfair!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on February 3, 2013| 4 Comments »

While perusing Facebook recently, I saw a post someone had made with a quote from one of my favorite pastors.

I’ll be honest….I saw it and thought…true…and then continued on with my scrolling.  But the next morning I had this same thought on my mind.  It is not only true…..but dangerous.  Especially with all the social media out there……

You see, as a blogger….as a speaker…..as a Facebook poster….I get to choose the parts of my life that I want you to see.  And most of the time…..we choose to only share the “good stuff”.  So much so… that the “real” in our lives is cloudy….almost like we are watching a soap opera unfold through social media…but this form just seems more acceptable.

I mean, we’ve been warned of the dangers of comparing our love lives with that of those on a soap opera….PUHLEASE….who lives like that anyway???  But have we been warned of social media content and what it is doing to us? I think it is a fair comparison!  We see the highlights of people’s lives…..the trips…the good times…..the perfect meals….the fun with friends…..the romantic getaways!!

My friend did a little beta test.  She “tweeted” once daily.  But one out of seven of her tweets were not all “peppy” or “upbeat”.  They weren’t doom and gloom either.  Just a general statement kinda like, “I’m just not feelin it today”.    Everyone FREAKED!  She said it was as if the world was ending because her post wasn’t all rosy!!  HMMMMMMM……interesting.

It made me think about what I allow others to see…through social media, blogging and the stories I share when I speak!  I get to choose what you see or know about me and my life….my feelings. It also made me think of statements my husband tells me others say to him about me…”How does she do it?” or “She is always smiling….does she ever have a bad day?”  HECK YES I have bad days……and sometimes they are just dark.

Take my birthday, for instance.

My birthday is just a few days before Christmas.  Now, don’t think I was all gloomy because I am another year older….NO….I am actually glad I made it through another year!  Age is really just a number of measure anyway!!  But this past birthday…… well…. it fell on the weekend before Christmas.  And my sweet daughter was singing in our church services… all 10 of them!  I had committed to be there for her for all of them and was excited to do so!  Well…. 3 were the evening of my birthday.  And….my sweet sister and her family were coming in on my birthday to spend that day and the holiday with us!  I love it when she comes to spend time with us!  Especially her whole family!!

BUT….

My birthday was also less than 10 days after the Sandy Hook massacre.  I was still in an emotional state because of that.  AND…..someone I’ve never met personally….but followed her family and their sweet daughter’s battle with a nasty disease….was preparing to say their final goodbyes to that sweet baby girl….and that was weighing heavy on my heart.

AND

I was preparing to spend Christmas eve with my sweet adopted grandbabies for the first time! These 3 angels now call me Mimi and their mom calls me momma….cuz her mom is no longer on this earth…. but she was my best friend……and I’m so thankful she allows me to be part of her life and her sweet kiddos.  And another sweet child, one of the boy’s best friends, who still calls me mom…is expecting twin babies in April with his wife…and again …..I’ll be Mimi to them.

So……

Needless to say….my emotions were everywhere!

On the morning of my birthday…..I woke up…..rolled over…….. buried my head in my husband’s chest……..and SOBBED!

I couldn’t stop.  I sobbed until I couldn’t breathe.

It NEVER goes away! It NEVER stops hurting! IT IS ALWAYS THERE!!!!! The pain of losing my boys….my mom…..is still a very present part of my life.

As happy as I was in that moment….at the very same moment I was so, overwhelmingly, sad! I just wanted to be a Mimi to my boy’s children! I wanted to share my sweet daughter’s performance with all FOUR of her brothers! I wanted to just hold them…….even one more time! I just hurt………

There are more of these moments than I care to share. But I share this to show you…..I am REAL.  I hurt. I cry. I downright sob.

But….. I have hope.  I guess that is what people see.  Because by that same evening ….. I WAS smiling! I was enjoying the time with my sister and loving listening to my sweet girl sing! I celebrated another year with my friends and family and was so thankful for all that I’ve had.

Yes….that includes the bad times.  I am at a placed where I am even thankful for those bad times……..Because that is part of what has shaped me into who I am today.

And today…..I am a strong woman of God who has hope through His son. I know through His promise that I am loved….I am enough….I am worth fighting for!

I may not always feel it….but I have come to realize emotions and feelings can lie.  The way I feel ….. isn’t always what is true! So…. at the end of the day……  stop comparing who you are with what you see on social media or hear about somebody else.  Stop comparing their highlights with your dark times.  Stop comparing at all!  Because…….. God made you an original….you are fearfully and wonderfully made……and no one else will ever “get you” the way that He does.  No one else will ever fight for you the way that He does!  You are HIS! You are exactly the way the creator of the universe designed you to be….faults and all! And in the end……….HE is the only one that really matters at all! And if HE says He loves you and will always be there for you……then what is stopping you?  If GOD is FOR us….then WHO can be against us????

So stop comparing! Start looking at you…….. through His eyes…….

I’m convinced if you do that…you will love what you see!

Do something beautiful this week!  YOU are a masterpiece!   ~c

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Happy “Double Digits” Birthday Sweet Sis!!

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , on December 17, 2012| 1 Comment »

20121217-094540.jpgToday is my baby girl’s 10th birthday…or as she likes to say…”She is going DOUBLE DIGITS!!” I took the day off today so that I could take her to lunch and prepare her favorite meal tonight! So I had my alarm set for really early, so I could be up and ready before the whole family….but I decided to reset my alarm……and I’m so glad I did.

Thirty minutes later my birthday girl came and crawled in bed with me. I told her “Happy Birthday” and kissed her as she nuzzled into my arm and wrapped her body around mine. I laid there……and tears streamed down my face as the multitude of thoughts filled my mind.

First, thankfulness for this sweet baby girl. You see, I almost didn’t have her. I almost didn’t allow myself to consider another child. After Bryce was born, I went through two miscarriages. After the second, my doctor said I would have to have surgery, and I remember looking at my husband through sobs and telling him I just couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t put myself through the possibility of losing another child. He was super sweet….and beyond okay with it. He said Bryce would have cousins and we would love him and be thankful for him. So that was it. No more kiddos for me. Then, God gently, and over time worked on my heart. I remember going to my husband, who, by the way, hadn’t pressured me even once to reconsider, and telling him that I was ready to try again……BUT…..I had put some conditions on it.

You see, I didn’t want to have kids at 35. I know, not a big deal…but to me….there was just something about it. My oldest would have graduated when I was 35….and so in my mind that was when I wasn’t supposed to be having babies. So my deal with my husband was….I would try for another baby….BUT … if we weren’t pregnant by a certain date….we were done. That was my sign it wasn’t meant to be. Smiling…my husband agreed.

And this, is when I realized…you don’t bargain with God. He has such a sense of humor. Not only was I pregnant just in time……but He gave me a girl! After 4 boys…. A GIRL……AND to top it off…..she was born just 5 DAYS BEFORE MY 35th BIRTHDAY!!! See…..sense of humor!!

But what a joy she has been! I remember asking for a fourth ultrasound, just to be sure, before I would paint her room! I just couldn’t believe it! I remember begging my doctor to allow me to have her naturally after Bryce came by c-section. I remember scheduling her induction on December 18th……but waking up at 3:30 am on December 17th in full on labor. I got up…walked around…then at six I got in the shower. When Bryan woke to the sound of the shower he asked what I was doing, I calmly informed him I was getting ready since we would be at the hospital soon! My goodness….he started moving quickly!!!!

We called family, and met them at the hospital! My grandmother was so excited because she was going to be there during the delivery. After having 2 children, 4 grandchildren and 4 great-grandkids…….she was finally going to get to do something, that in her 80 years of life she had never been able to do…….witness childbirth! She was asleep during her own and never seen one of the other grandkids…so she, along with my husband, was by my side.

I had to be put into an “overflow” room…because they were so busy. They didn’t even have me put on a gown……because they weren’t sure if they’d even keep me. I told them no worries, I’d be staying. Come on…this wasn’t my first rodeo!!! I knew I was closer than they thought! When they checked me the first time….I was already at a 5 1/2 and things started moving quickly! One of the funniest things that happened that day…..was when my doctor made his entrance.

You see, my grandmother had never met him and hadn’t realized he was an African-American man. When he peeked his head around the corner to tell me they were getting a “real” room for me….she just froze. When he walked away…….she said, “I didn’t know Dr. Huxtable was delivering this baby!”. To which I laughed…and still laugh!

Not long after that….I was ready to go….but this stubborn little girl wasn’t….she was sideways and wasn’t “fitting”. So he told me to not push….after pushing..and to just roll back and forth. So for the next two hours I did just that. I was writhing in pain…while my husband and my Grandmother were talking, and at one point….laughing so hard she peed her pants!!! I’m glad they were having fun. After two hours, the nurse came in and said they were going to go ahead and do an epidural since they might end up doing a c-section. Then, not ten minutes after it was in, the Dr. came in to check….and in one push…..I delivered my sweet baby girl! All 9 pounds 2 ounces of her!!!! Yes, you read that right….my sweet petite little girl……was the largest of all 5 of my kids!!!

20121217-094150.jpgAnd to this day I thank God for her. I thank him for how different she is…for how insightful she is. This past year I got to experience this….. look at the picture and see the joy she had that day and even now…she makes me want to be better! She makes me a better me. She sees things through the sweetest view!

But as I was there holding her this morning, my thoughts went to the parents who were mourning the loss of their morning snuggles with their babies. My thoughts also went to the fact that she is now the age of her second brother when he died. Cory was 10 and in 4th grade when he died.

All of these thoughts made me hold her closer…..tighter. As she breathed in each breath, I thanked Him for life. For the opportunity to be her mom. For the time I have had with her. For the things she has taught me about this life.

I love you sweet sister and am blessed for you to call me mom!

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