My Life as a COMMA!

I have been dreading this day for a while now. I can’t believe it has been seventeen years since my sweet boys were on this earth.

I knew this year would be hard. This year, it wasn’t just about the dates and all the memories……it is also the same days. It happened on a Saturday…..so all the days leading up to today…..the memories have been so real and so raw. For almost a week now I haven’t had more than two hours of sleep per night because I just haven’t been able to shut off my mind. The memories of the places we went, the conversations we had and the events of the week leading up to today…are as real as if they happened last week.

Usually on this day, by now, I’ve had some alone time. Time to just allow my thoughts to come flooding to my mind and to just break. But I usually wait until I am alone and my family is out the door. It is usually mid morning and I’ve blogged my raw emotions and just allowed myself to have that time to feel everything. But today has been different…..because my family has been home. I’ve still allowed myself to feel it…but today has been a bit different.

Instead of one big break down…I’ve had many.

Any time someone asks how I am…the tears come.
Any time someone gives me a hug….the tears come.
My sweet hubs and boy are the most in tune to it and the hugs and kisses have been MANY!

The emotions still feel so raw. It still feels so unreal.

I’ve melted into my husband’s embrace and just broken. Silent sobs…..thinking…remembering. As I laid my head across his chest….I could hear his heartbeat. How I wished my children’s hearts were still beating…….As I thanked God for my blessings now…..I kept thinking of my blessings that aren’t here……

My two worlds collided in a big way today.

As I mourned and missed my children that are no longer with me….I had my husband and children surrounding me with love and compassion.

Today I allowed myself to do some things that I haven’t done before on an anniversary like this.

I asked my husband to lay a towel across the foot of my bed and place a trunk I have in my room on top of it. In this trunk are treasures I turn to when I need lifting up…..

This is what surrounded me.

I have every card, every note, every picture drawn, every floral card, every trinket I was given after my boys died. I even have several small scrolls of paper that the children of their school had written to put inside balloons and send to heaven. There were so many notes, the balloons were too weighted down and so I have what wouldn’t fit.

So, Bryan and I sat in my bed and read all of it. It took hours. We had a box of Kleenex in between us because we both cried multiple times as we read the sweet notes. Bryce joined us for some of it…..

What I love the most are the notes from the kids. They are so real and so pure. They shared what they loved about the boys….stories about them….the things they liked most about each one. They tried so hard to say what they could to cheer me up. I even have phone numbers and addresses in case I needed anything… One was even so kind as to share the phone number and info to her own counselor……in case I needed someone to talk to! They were precious. There were prayers and scripture. I just love how raw and real they were.

I remember being so angry at the time it happened that such small children had to deal with such a hard situation in losing a friend. It was so senseless.

What today helped me realize….as I read all of these….is how loved my boys were! Not just by me….but by so many!! I know this…..but this helped remind me today. One note said he didn’t know my boys…but by the number of kids who were so sad….he knows he wished he had known them!

They spoke of their smiles……of their abilities in sports and school…… But mostly…they all seemed to talk about what good friends each of them were and how they loved The Lord and were good examples of His love to others.

It’s the notes of these children…that I loved. I appreciated the love from everyone. I was amazed at the number of cards there were. So many from people I didn’t even know…who assured me they were praying for me.

Just like today…the notes from family and friends….that they loved me and were praying. Today…..as so many other days….I’ve felt those prayers. I’ve needed them and I’m so thankful for them. I’m really not so strong.

Thank you for remembering with me. It has been a blessing…the posts and texts…..that others remember and will never forget. Obviously…I won’t. But I can’t tell you how it does this momma’s heart to know how many of you haven’t either!!!

Tonight…the other thing I did…for the first time in years….was to find the old tapes of the boys….and watch them with my family.

I got to sit and watch each of my boys playing soccer! I got to watch a musical and hear my sweet Cory sing his solo!!

I can’t even begin to tell you how it felt to see them….to watch them and their smiles tonight. It felt so real all over again. It felt so good to see them smile and to wave and to be able to share that with their brother and sister. Bryce asked who he was built most like. Breanna asked if she got her singing from Cory. It was wonderful and terrible and miserably sad all at the same time! I relished seeing them….but at the same time…my heart wrenched because it had been so long since I’ve seen those beautiful big eyes and smiles!

Then as I broke out the next tape…..it was of my sweet husband’s birthday and when I shared that I was expecting my rainbow…Bryce. Then there were more of Bryce and Breanna while they were little…… It was as if God was showing me that my life has gone on and I have been happy!

Today…my two worlds have collided again. The pain in my heart feels like it will choke out my last breath….but the joy in my heart ……..it opens my heart back up and allows it to continue again!

I want to share with you some of the sweet notes I found today.

These are a few of the sweet notes that were going into the balloons!

All of these are so precious to me. There are so many ….. so I’ve decided to take pictures of every one of these….and put them into a book!

But nothing is as precious…as the simple fact….that I was blessed…to be the mom….to three of the most amazing boys on this earth!
Cody…..in your 11 years you made people smile and feel good about themselves. You preached Jesus by your actions, not just your words!
Cory….in your 10 years you smiled and laughed with everyone. You sang your heart out any time anyone would listen! You believed in yourself. You lived out your faith daily and were a great friend to all!
Caleb…..You smiled always! You found everything fascinating and had such a fabulous way of looking at the world. In your short 8 years, you taught me and others more about life than I could have learned without you in my entire life time!

I cannot even express the hurt I feel right now. I am kind of numb……realizing that I have lived for so long without them. My mommy’s heart is broken…..in a way that will never heal.

I saw that after many posted on my facebook that they were thinking about me…..several seemed to think it was my birthday and wished me a Happy Birthday. I told a friend..in some ways it is one of my birthdays….it was my birthday of a whole different life. I feel like, on this day seventeen years ago….I lost everything. I felt like my world was ending and I couldn’t imagine my life continuing without my children.

But God showed me that my life….was His life. He showed me that HE was writing the story of my life …and HE wasn’t finished with me yet. So for the past seventeen years, I’ve allowed Him to be the author of my blank pages. I can’t say I like everything He has put in it……but I do trust Him.

I have many chapters left and can’t wait to see how He is glorified. You see…..in and through all of this. …. He has been my constant and my sustainer. He is my strength and who I cling to. I cling to His promise that my days here will seem like a mist…..and my eternity will be with Him and my boys!

Cody, Cory and Caleb…..I can’t wait for that day to come!! I will finish the race He has set before me…. But to be honest….I can’t wait to see you ….at the finish line!

Love to you my sweet babies! ~momma