My Life as a COMMA!

Have you ever had a heart that was overflowing with happiness and joy and yet, at the same time, be filled with sadness?  That was my yesterday.

The sadness…….because yesterday marked the 13th year since my mother passed from this life to her eternal reward.  It was a difficult day.  Allow me to share some memories with you…

My mother had been sick for quite some time.  She was diagnosed with a metastatic breast cancer in her liver in February of 96.  She was only given about 6 months to live.  She fought hard.  She battled and decided to live the rest of her life with every ounce of vigor she could muster.  She continued to work through her treatments.  She continued to support and love me through my tough times (I was going through my divorce during her illness and then the boy’s death was in February of 97.).  She lived a lot of life in the 1 year and 9 months after her diagnosis.  If you have heard me speak….I usually say that we lived every holiday…weekend…day….of the year from February of 96 through February of 97 as if it was going to be mom’s last……when….in all actuality…it was my boy’s last.  You just never know.  We are not promised tomorrow at any age.

My mother believed in angels.  She read about them and talked about them a lot.  Well……as she neared her last days, we all gathered together.  My dad, grandma, sister and her fiance, Matt, myself and Bryan (my then fiance) all stayed at my parents house. On Friday night we all let mom and dad rest and we (Matt, Heather, Bryan and myself) played some games and stayed up late talking in the living room.  We all slept on the couches.  But on Saturday…so much happened.  Mom was in so much pain.  I remember calling her hospice nurse to see if there was anything else I could do because she was in so much pain.  The nurse told me that she shouldn’t be.  I told her mom had taken me by the arm and said, “You just don’t understand how bad it hurts!”.  It broke my heart!!  Anyway, again the 4 of us stayed in the living room Saturday night.  We were all tired.  It had been an emotional day.  We knew.  We all knew the end was near.  It wasn’t anything we were ready for.  So we all slept.

Well, about 1:30 a.m. the phone rang.  I was next to it and answered.  I honestly don’t remember if it was a man or a woman’s voice…..or even who they asked for.  All I know is that it was a wrong number….and I believe it was an angel.  And here is why.  ….

My father came in and asked me to come check on mom with him after he came out to ask who had been on the phone.  When I went into her room….her breathing was very labored.  I knew that this was a sign that we were within 24 hours of her death.  I told dad to do something…maybe go wake up my grandmother….but he left me in the room with mom….  and I prayed.  I remembered my grandmother breathing just like mom was breathing the day that she died.  I remember that it was almost 20+ hours before gramma actually died after I saw her like that and I told God I just couldn’t do it…..  I DID NOT have the strength to sit there and watch mom labor to breathe much longer.  I had tried…so hard…to be strong.  But the wound of just losing my boys 9 months before was still fresh and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to endure much more.  So I sat there….and prayed.  I remember holding mom’s hand….stroking her hair and talking to her.  I remember thinking how much I loved her but didn’t want her to keep hurting.  I remember her waking up…something the nurses said she couldn’t do….turning her head to look at me…and me telling her it was ok…ok to let go….ok to stop fighting.  I told her we all loved her and were so proud of how she fought…but that she didn’t have to fight any more.  Then….she closed her eyes again.  Every one in the house was in the room.  We were all there…..all around her when at 2:36 a.m. she took her last breath.  And I know….if it weren’t for the angel that dialed the phone….we all would have just woken up to her being gone.  I don’t know how I would have handled that but I am thankful I was there….that we all were there to support her, to love her…and to support and love one another.

Yes, my heart is filled with sadness….  Losing my mom has been difficult.  I still remember…after Bryan and I were married and had gotten a new bed….I ran to the living room, picked up the phone….and dialed the number to call and have my mom come look!  But I remembered….mom wasn’t here!  The pain never goes away.

Now for the joy….the overflowing happiness.  This month is National orphan’s month and through our church we have “adopted” 2 children in our system for Christmas.  We also have pictures at church of different children in our system that need a “forever home”.  I chose a 16 year old, Desirea, to pray for.  Bryce chose a 12 year old, Elmer, to pray for.  And Breanna, she chose a young boy named Trevor to pray for.  So every day…meal time…bed time…awake time…any time…we are praying specifically for these kids.

Well, last night Breanna was praying at bed time.  She was praying so fervently that God would bless Trevor with a home and a family that loved him.  She started praying that God would give Trevor what she already had…a family.  She thanked God for what He had given her and then she broke down. And my friends, she broke hard.  This lasted for quite some time.  When she was able to stop crying….she asked me this.  “Why did God choose to give me a family but He didn’t give one to Trevor?”  Again, tears…….  I told her God loves both her and Trevor the same.  But some parents make bad choices or some things happen.  It doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us.  She said….”then why did he make Trevor an orphan?”  I don’t know how to answer all these questions.  I know this seems like it would give me a sad heart…but the truth is…I am so proud of her heart!  I am so proud…because at her age, I don’t think I realized or cared about orphans or others the way that she does.  This literally took about an hour to get her calmed down.  And then this morning as I dropped her at school she told me, “Mom, I am still praying for Trevor. …. But today I am going to try not to be so sad.”.  Just joy.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1:27

After my mother died….I had my family…my dad and my sister….and so many others that helped me through.  At times, I felt like I had been orphaned. But I knew better.  My feelings were never that for very long because the love of others was always there for me to show me how much I was loved.

My prayer is that Trevor, Elmer and Desirea have that as well.  Although they may be orphans….that the love of others will carry them through.  And the prayers of others will some how change their lives.

I pray the same for you…that you will know that you have touched someone else’s life.  That you are loved….more than you can imagine.  If you feel alone….know that God almighty, maker of the heavens and earth….is there for you.  He is your Father and loves you more than you can imagine.    Thank you, Father….for loving me.  Thank you for allowing me to have so many in my family that I love so very much!

I love you mom!  And I love you boys!  I am gonna hang out here loving on the family and friends I have for a while longer……..until we meet again! ~c

Today has been an interesting day.  Today is the first day after we set our clocks back!  An extra hour of sleep!  HOW GLORIOUS! 

But today is filled with a huge memory….one I can never erase…or would ever want to.

You see…..the last time we set our clocks back and my boys were still here on this earth with me…the funniest thing happened.  My now, best friend Jennifer was staying with me and sleeping on the couch.  She said that my sweet Caleb was the first one up that morning.  He walked into the entry way of our house.  Caby didn’t know that she was awake and watching him.  He proceeded to do his morning exercises and stretches.  I think it was the swish of his pants that alerted Jen to his arrival (Hey…it was in the 90s and wind pants were in!)  And then, she tells me, that after he was finished with his exercises……he looked out the little window by the front door.  It was then that he said, “Spring forward, faaaaaaallllllllll back!”.  And with the fall back……he did just that!  He fell backwards onto the floor!  I can still imagine him doing it.  Even though I was not the one who saw it…I can see it in my mind. 

Not one year has gone by that when we set our clocks back I think of him doing that!  Falling back…..literally onto the floor.  How sweet and how innocent.  How literal children are. 

This is where the confessions come in.  I have a story to share about Breanna. 

The other night after work I met my family for dinner.  We enjoyed a nice evening out.  My parents had brought my husband and kids and I met them at the restaurant.  After dinner, my family rode home with me.  My son was having some very engaging conversation on the way home.  ( I will share this at another time…..cuss words and 11 year olds!!  JEESH!)  So during this conversation…it didn’t seem very odd to me that my sweet, little girl was very quiet.  I did hear her make a few noises…like the nose sound…you know…the one when you are stopped up and don’t blow your nose…??  That is it…and she has some allergies so I didn’t think much of it.  Well, on this twenty minute drive home…I hadn’t given much thought to her being so quiet until we walked in and my son asked, “Sissy, are you ok?”.  It was then that I noticed her and she seemed to have been, maybe crying.  I asked her if she had been crying or if she was just kind of stopped up.  To my amazement…she had been crying.  I tried to recall our conversation and if there was any part of it that would have made her so upset…..and couldn’t remember anything.  So I asked her to sit with me and explain why she had been crying.  This is what she told me……..

“Well…mom….you see….I was praying to God.. and in my prayer I decided to ask God if He loved me, really loved me….for Him to show me His light.”  She paused….and I waited.  “And then when you turned the corner…I looked up and I saw four stars.”  At this point she burst into tears and she just held me.  When she calmed down she continued.  “When I saw those stars…it reminded me of my brothers, Cody, Cory and Caleb.  And mommy, I knew that the fourth star was God.  After you drove for a bit….I couldn’t see the three stars any more, but the one star I could see the whole way home.”  By now, I was in tears as well.  I asked her, “Well, baby girl, how do you feel about that?”.  She told me that at first it made her sad but that now it was making her happy.  She said that she knew that God had answered her prayer.  I said, “Well, you do know that God loves you?”.   To which she replied, “I know that mom!”. (she could’ve just said DUH! the way she said it!)  It was a sad/happy and absolutely beautiful moment.  I am so proud of her. 

Then this morning, I was trying to get her ready for church.  We slept in and were taking it kinda easy and she had a lot to do still.  She jumped in the shower and I knew she needed to get out.  She kept stalling…and kept stalling.  Finally, mom had had enough!  Time to get out!  I made her get out and get busy.  She stood there…in her towel with tears coming down her face. When I told her we needed to get busy so we could make it to church and she needed to stop playing so that we could get ready……….she put me in my place.

“Mommy, I was just trying to pray.  I wasn’t playing.  Remember when we used to take showers together and we would sit in there for a long time and just pray and talk?  Well, that is when I like to talk to God…in the shower.  And that is all I was trying to do was pray!”  More tears.  I had to stop myself.  In my rush…..I had forced her to stop doing the very thing I want her to do more than anything……..pray.  In my going on about “normal” business…..I had missed the moment when she was testing God and He was showing off to her! 

My confession is this……..  It seems as if what I am trying to teach my daughter…to have a personal relationship with God….not just “go to church” or “be a part of religeon”. I want her to know Him as Father, Counselor, Friend, Healer, Savior, Lord and every single part of Him there is.  But….I am so busy living the life of this world…#1….I am not always modeling that in my own life.  #2…. I am missing her doing just that!   #3…..I am telling her to do one thing and then when she is doing what I ask…I get onto her because the world says………we have to do things differently. 

I want to find the balance.  I want to teach my children how to have it…I want it…and I want to figure out how to live in this world while we have it.  My eternal life can begin now.  It is not just after I die…..it is here on this earth.  He wants so much for me!  My God wants so much for all of us!  We can have it!  There is a balance.  And believe it or not…..we are the ones that have to find it. There is no miracle math…no miracle formula to say if you do this much God will do that much and you will always be happy!  Nope…life doesn’t work that way. 

My plaque on my desk says this……..

DEAR GOD,        Help me remember there is nothing today YOU can’t handle, and there is NOTHING today I can handle without YOU.

If there is any magic formula….this has to be it.  Don’t do it on your own.  I have tried…….and failed miserably.  I keep trying….I am kind of a control freak. But the times I give it over to Him………it just goes much smoother. 

My prayer is this…….I always walk with Him……and that my children learn to do the same.  I guess my baby girl is teaching mommy this week!  Much love! ~c

That's my football player!!!

Here is my sweet boy, Bryce in all his football gear!  What a boy!  Well….this past Saturday was his last season game.  His team was 8-0 going into this game!  The boys were pumped up!  They had practiced four nights the week before and had practiced for over an hour before the game started.  Then……it started.  The other team got the ball and on their first drive they scored a touchdown!!! =(

And then…within a few minutes…..they scored another touchdown!  Our boys seemed defeated.  Now yes…the other team was a MUCH bigger team…some of those boys were bigger than our boy’s dads!!!  But our boys mustered their courage and their strength and they played with all their might.  But in the end…..they lost 32-0.  It was a hard fought loss….but a loss just the same.  The boys gathered round to listen to their coach…and PRAISE GOD for a coach that told them to hold their heads up high.  Praise Him that our coach told them as long as they went out there on that field and played for the parents and grandparents who took them to every practice and to know they did their best……!  Then as they were told to break it down…(football talk for the little chant they do in their huddle!)…the boys pointed to another boy to do it who was visibly upset!  Then…my sweet boy went over and got a hug from his PaPa.  Then, when he saw me….he came at me and head butted my chest and just started crying.  I held him and he held me…tightly!  I looked and several of the boys were crying.  Not because they are wimps and couldn’t handle it…but because losing hurts.  This was a loss to them.  A big one!  This also was the end of the season.  Their last game together of this year.

Then, last night my son got to go to the freshman football game.  Our high school team was in the state championship!  My best friend’s son plays for the team and these boys have been together for quite a while.  They are winners..  They play hard and they play to win.  But it didn’t happen last night.  Last night they lost.  They fought hard and only lost 25-18…..but it was still a loss.  And my friend told me that after the game the boys were all coming up to her and the other parents and hugging them and crying!  Sounded all too familiar.  But again, it is not because they were wimps and couldn’t handle to lose.  It is because it is a loss.  It is something we had hoped for and not been able to achieve.  But thankfully, the varsity coach was there to tell them that although this season was over…..he was sooooo excited to have this team move up and to work with them next season!

Did you catch that….??   next season…… so…even though there was a loss….even though this season is over…..there will be a next season!!!

It is kind of like that in life.  It reminds me of these verses….

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This sums it all up.  There are times for everything.  I think that looking forward to something so much and then not achieving it……like a win of a big game……is perfectly ok.  But remember… there will be another season.

Maybe it isn’t football for you….maybe it is a relationship that has become toxic….or just drifted apart.  It doesn’t mean that it didn’t mean a lot to you at the time…it just means that maybe there is something else out there now and the other person is going a different way too.  Nobody has to be right….or wrong.  Just different seasons of each of your lives.

Maybe you have become comfortable in a job, your marriage….or whatever…..but know that you should move forward instead of standing still.  Take action…..learn that the next season might be EVEN BETTER than the one you are in right now!  Know that if you take that next step toward a dream of a better life…better marriage….better relationship….better you…yes...you might end up hurt.  AND…you might even fail….so go ahead and cry….weep for a while.  But get up…dust yourself off…and start all over again!!  For another season….another time is waiting for you….but you cannot achieve it if you don’t try.

Now….our team does get to go to the playoffs…and play again.  We will see what happens.  But no matter what I am proud of those boys.  They achieved a lot this season.  A lot they can build upon for NEXT season!

I love you, Bryce!  I will always cheer you on…..and hold you when you cry! ~mom

Do you ever wake up with a song going through your head?  Well…I do…every day!  This is one of the reasons I have been listening to so much Christian radio and music.  Because I know that the more I listen to it…the more it permeates into my heart.

This is what I woke up to this morning…..the words to the song “You are more” were going through my head.  The chorus kept going over and over and over in my head.  Well….I can usually move on to other songs…but not today.  This song has not stopped playing in my head!  So I decided to find all the lyrics and see what I’m supposed to get from this song.

The chorus that keeps playing is this….

You are more than the choices that you’ve made.

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.

You are more than the problems you create.

You’ve been remade!

I love this!  Because it is so true!  And so many times…not only do we feel too broken to move forward or too messed up to be loved…..but we feel like we are stuck in a mundane life and just going through the motions.  And that those motions don’t mean anything.  But they do!!!

You see….I am not just a mom.  I am not just a mom that “babysits” my kids until they can take care of themselves.  I don’t just do their laundry and cook for them and tell them what to do!  I am a guide to this life for them!  I am their mentor!  I am the leader of the path they will follow in order to become not just happy, proficient members of society when they become an adult..but I am the leader they will follow to become fully devoted followers of Christ!  I am not just a cook…..I am here to teach them that their body is the temple of God and that they need to take care of themselves and their bodies!  I am here to guide their minds, their hearts and their physical needs until they can take care of it themselves.  And when they turn 18….although society says they are a mature adult and can take care of themselves…I will still be here to guide them and listen and support them…until the day I die.  If I do this journey right…. they will listen to my Godly counsel and in turn….be able to become leaders of their own families.  No, dear friends……I am not just a “mom/babysitter”….I am a spiritual, emotional and physical leader of my children!

I am also not just a wife.  I am not here to wait on my husband hand and foot.  I am not here to make sure everything in the home is done so his life is easier and he won’t get upset.  No….I am a helpmate to him.  I am his partner.  I am his lover and companion.  I am here to listen…to love and to lift him up.  In turn…..I know he will continue to love me, support me and uplift me!  No…I am not just here…..I am a partner!

I am also not just a friend.  I am a counselor.  I am here to listen.  I am here to support.  I am here to have fun and be silly!  I am here to be a cheerleader to all!  I am here to be honest.  To speak truth into others because I love them enough to do so!  I am here to learn from others.  To know that I have so much more to learn…and so much more to give.

At my job…..I am not just a sales person.  I am part of a team.  I am a valued member of our support system.  I am a consultant that helps people find just what they need and support them through that process.

I am not just here to make myself happy.  I am here to do so much more.  I am starting to realize that there is so much more.  So much……and if we are willing to dream it…to do the hard work…..there is so much out there that we can achieve!  There is so much that God wants for us!  So much that He wants from us too!  He doesn’t want and never intended for us to have mundane lives!  But sometimes we can’t see our way out of where we are!

You are so much more!  You are more than the problems you create!  And LORD KNOWS I’ve created enough!  You are more than the sum of your past mistakes!  And ONLY He knows just how many mistakes I’ve made!  You are more than the choices that you’ve made…..and WOW!  I am not the best person when it comes to right choices.

But I’ve been remade!  You’ve been remade!  Every morning we wake up to new beginnings and new possibilities!  The past is in the past and the future lies before us!

When you have been set free and are trying to rebuild your life in the Lord, the enemy will come and tell you, “You weren’t really set free.”  “You’re still the same old messed-up person you always were:”……When you start hearing those kinds of messages, recognize where they are coming from and remember who has set you free!

The above was in my morning devotional for today.  Do you think maybe God is trying to tell me something??  Maybe He wants to share it with us all.

I am my worst enemy.  I feel like I can’t do certain things.  I feel like I am not special enough to do what I KNOW God is telling me to do.  I feel like if only others knew all the ways I’ve messed up…they wouldn’t like me or believe me any more!  I become so paralyzed by the past and the lies…that I can’t move….so I just maintain.  I don’t move forward for fear that it will be another wrong choice….or that I might fail.  OR…..worse yet….I might actually be successful…and then what!????  I have a huge fear of success.  Weird, I know….but there…I confessed it.  Because today….I am choosing to believe that I am more.

I am going to choose to believe that God knows all this stuff and He loves me anyway!  I am going to know that there is more than just the title of mom…wife….friend….worker…..or anything else….  There is more responsibility to those titles when God is in it!  I am more….than my past sums of problems…choices….troubles.  I am more than I can even imagine for myself to be….and there are some pretty big doozies in there!

I am more…….I’ve been remade!  AND…..so have you!

Blessings today!  Choose to be more! ~c

Mom and Muffin

This is my mom.  Well, actually it is Mom and Muffin.  This picture was taken on Christmas morning, 1996.  This is 4 months past when the doctors had given mom to live.  She was a fighter.

This picture shows the spirit of mom I think I remember the most.  She had an indominable spirit.  No matter what was going on around her……most would never know it.  She always made the best of things and went on with life.  Yesterday was her birthday.  She would have been 64.  She had this indominable spirit up until the day she died.  I think that is where I get some of it…….

As I sat at my computer last night….I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t bring myself to write.  I miss her terribly.  It isn’t like we had the best relationship in the world.  We definitely didn’t.  But there was something about mom……something that made me call her every day to just say hello.  Something that made me want to make her proud.  I still do.  I still think about what I am doing and who I am becoming and wonder what she would think….if she would be proud.

She was a fighter.  She went to work up until almost three weeks before she died.  She once told me….”I don’t want to hear you complain about this any more.  It isn’t that I don’t love you, it is just time for you to make a decision one way or another and then live with it.  Don’t sit here wishing this or wishing that.  You take action.”  And that is how she was.  She took action.  She would let you know what she thought and what she was going to do about it.

I loved my mother.  Still do.  But I also remember that when I had Breanna it totally scared me.  Mom didn’t have a good relationship with her mother.  And mom and I didn’t have the best relationship when I was growing up either.  But I loved her and so wanted her approval.  I think I learned a lot from her about raising my daughter.  A lot of what to do as much as what not to do.

I realize how much her approval meant to me.  I was constantly seeking it.  And sometimes when I didn’t feel I had her approval….I always knew I had her love.  It was towards the end of her life that she and I were finally able to come to terms with our relationship.  We would just sit and talk….about nothing or really important things.  We had finally realized that even though we weren’t on the same page…..it was ok.  We talked about the difficult things.  I will never forget getting the call from her that her cancer had moved to her brain.  She called and wanted to tell me herself.  Then….she called me again.  This time she asked me to come see her and bring some paper.  You see, mom knew she was on “borrowed time” and that she didn’t have much longer to live.  She told me that my father was not ready to discuss it but that she wanted to discuss the funeral.  She apologized because this was only less than four months since I had planned my children’s funeral…but she needed my help.  She wanted to make sure we knew what she wanted and who she wanted and the music she wanted.  She wanted to lift that burden from us.  She was being selfless……thinking of us.  So we did just that.  I told her that I would keep the paper and bring it out and show dad when he was ready.  We talked about everything.  Her view of God and heaven.  It is a conversation I will never forget.  I can honestly say I know my mother not only approved of me and my life….but loved me.  I am thankful for that.

As I am struggling through parts of my life now….I often think of her.  I hear her words telling me to take action.  Today…..I feel I have done a little too much.  I am feeling overstretched and not quite where I need to be.  I just came from a conversation of a friend and she counseled me to say that sometimes if we are doing something that isn’t glorifying God….we need to step away.  I am there.  I need to take action.  But I believe some of my actions are to start saying no so that I can say yes to the right things.

I came home and read this short devotional before writing this.

God can do anything.  NOthing is impossible for Him.  But that doesn’t mean He will choose to do everything possible.  He does His will.  So when you are praying for the impossible, it doesn’t mean He will do it.  He may.  Or He may not.  But praising Him invites Him to do what He wants in your life, which is always greater than anything we can imagine anyway.

God mended my broken relationship with my mother.  I praise Him for that.  And although He could have chosen to heal her and allow her to be here with me now….that wasn’t His plan for her life…..or mine.  So I will praise Him for what  He did for both of us while she was still here….and for what He is doing in my life now…since she has been gone.

I love you, momma.  You inspire me still.  Your words ring in my heart and your love carries me.  I hope you are walking with the angels…..with my babies…..and your loved ones…….and looking down on us and being very proud.

til we meet again ~c

Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom.”  And Jesus replied, “I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise.”

Luke 23:42-43

Rhonda and me....good times!!

A year ago today, one of my best friends in this world….left this world.  I miss her terribly.  I couldn’t sleep last night.  This has truly been a month of remembering.  My son….now Rhonda….and my mother’s birthday is this month also.  This has been a difficult time.

remember me…….

Rhonda was my very first friend here in OKC……  She kind of took me under her wing.  I had a one year old and a brand new baby and we just hit it off!  We would stay up late at night after the kids had gone to bed and talk, play cards, do crafts…..EAT BROWNIES!!  She was always so much fun!  Our kiddos grew up together and were like brothers and sister!  But more than just having fun in life….it was Rhonda that taught me about having a personal relationship with Christ.  She is the one that showed me that it was good to read the bible….not just because it was part of a lesson!  She and I taught 4 & 5 year old mission friends together!  OH…..the stories running through my head now!  We had so much fun doing life together.

remember me…….

When my babies died….she is one of the first ones I called….just to pray…before I even knew the whole truth.  She came to my parents house and held me and slept with me those first couple of nights.  The morning after it happened…I woke up…and when I realized…that it wasn’t all a dream….I broke.  She is the one that held me through all that.

remember me………

Then when my mother died…she was there for me again.  One day…about four days before mom died we were at work together.  I received a call that mom couldn’t be woken and I tore out of there!  She wouldn’t let me go alone.  She drove me there.  She knew I couldn’t focus and she took me to mom safely.  She was always that one.

remember me……..

We went through a lot of difficult times in each of our lives.  She had some rough waters…as did I.  And unfortunately, over the last year of her life…we had drifted apart.  I can’t tell you how this breaks my heart.  I can’t put into words….how much I wish………..I could have talked with her one last time.

remember me…….

I am lucky though…that her sister and son called me while she was still in the hospital.  I got to spend the last 10 days of her life with her.  I got to hold her hand and talk with her.  But I never got to enjoy the Rhonda I knew and loved again!  God healed her on the other side and she is now walking on streets of gold and singing with the angels!  And she loved to sing!

Sometimes I would call her and her machine would say that unless you sang her a song…she wouldn’t return your call!  She would sing to me when I was blue or we would sing because we wanted to be silly!  So many good times.

remember me……..

Well….I miss her.  I can never forget her.  She left a legacy.  My grandmother thinks that a legacy is how people remember you and the stories they can tell.  Her legacy includes good times and a bag of Oreos…..sad times and great big hugs…….bad times and a candle lit bath to soak them all away…….but mostly her legacy was love.  She loved others.  She loved til it hurt.  She loved enough to share Christ with me.  She loved enough to share her life with me.  So, my sweet friend……..

remember me……………….til we meet again! ~c

LOVE that smile!! My ball player!

This is my precious Caleb Harrison!  Today is his 22nd birthday.  Today I want to share a little bit about how much life he fit into his short 8 years on this earth!

Caleb is my third child.  His brothers were 3 and 2 when he was born so he came into the world knowing that mom needed him to be a good boy….and that is just what he was!  I remember going to the doctor on this day 22 years ago for a check up.  You see, his due date wasn’t until November 3rd so I hadn’t really done all I needed to do in preparation for him to come!  Well…I went to the doctor…and after he checked me he smiled and told me I was going to have a baby today.  I very sternly looked at him and told him, “No, I am not having a baby today.  I am not ready!”.  He just smiled at me and shook his head.  I remember him telling me that it was ok.  He was going to let me go home then to get ready.  He said I could just meet him at the hospital the next day and we’d just get the process started because he thought the baby was big enough.  OR…….if I started to feel too much pain…I should call him and head straight to the hospital!  This doctor had delivered my second son and almost missed the birth!  I have fairly easy deliveries and once things progress…they progress rather quickly!  Anyway….it made me feel better that I could go home and do some things before I had him.  So……we went home!

Little did I know the doctor had told my husband I wouldn’t last the day and to make some calls as soon as we got home!  So…we went home and got busy with chores….feeding the horses…taking care of the boys and such.  Then…about two hours later….WHAM!  I felt a pain in my lower back that made me remember just before things got serious before delivering Cory.  I conceded we should probably head to the hospital.  So we called the doctor’s office (like we were supposed to do) and they alerted the hospital we were on our way.  Only problem was…we didn’t leave immediately!  I really didn’t feel any more major pains.  The phone rang and was a friend from high school I hadn’t seen in forever….so I chatted.  And time got away from me….and then….over an hour and a half later….we left.  Well…..when I wheeled up to the 2nd floor…in a wheel chair…the nurses RUSHED me and swooped what they thought (I guess) could have been the baby from my arms.  It was my pillow.  There were people there waiting for me from my church…and I just hadn’t bothered to get there yet!!

Long story to say that at 6:41 pm that evening…..my sweet….8 lb 12 ounce bundle of joy was born into this world!

Funny faces!

And a joy he truly was.  We had so much fun with him!  He laughed at the world.  He never took anything too serious.  Although…at the same time he was a very serious kid.  You could always tell when he was in deep thought!  And that was often!  Once, when my sister had taken him on a trip to the grocery store……he amazed her with this analogy.  It was during one of those spitting rains.  When they got out of the car…she said, “Let’s run!”.   His reply was, “No.”.  “Why not?”, she had asked.  “Because it isn’t raining that much.  It is like when you are at a stop light in a car and you don’t need your wipers but when the car goes forward and faster you do need them.  If we run…..we will get more wet!”.     Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmm.  Made ya think….didn’t it?  That was how my Caby was.  He was always thinking!

And he was FUNNY!  He could do the macarena like no other! And he loved to dance to the YMCA!  He could tell you which direction you were going while in a car when he was only 3…..and that was waaaaay before they had the directional stuff in the dash or on the rear view mirror!  Yet…he was always smiling and having fun!  He played the piano, was a boy scout, played soccer, basketball and baseball.  He loved school!  His teachers couldn’t wait for there to be some sort of standardized testing done to see what his IQ was! This never happened by the way….so I can only guesstimate…and since I am mom…..I am going to say it was HIGH!!!

caby and cinnamon

He loved life!  And he lived it to its fullest.  He played hard.  Anything his brothers could do…he learned to do!  Rollerblading, bike riding…you name it…he’d match it or better it!  He didn’t know a stranger and loved everyone!  He used to cut his hair in a buzz cut.  People would love the way it felt.  Some would ask if they could touch it and he’d say……..for a dime!  He made a great Forrest Gump.  He’d put his best effort into it…..then say, “My momma says, “Life is like a box of chocolates…..Never know what you’re gonna get!””.  So true.

Birthday Blowout!

Well you know…..Forrest’s mom had another quote.  He also said, “Momma always said, dying was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn’t.”

I wish that too.  Oh….. how I wish that we could all go through this life together.  Starting in the same moment and ending in the same moment with all of our loved ones.  I can’t begin to tell you how much I miss him!

I love you, my Caby baby!  You lit up my life for your short 8 years.  But you left me with so many sweet, wonderful memories that I know will carry me through…..until we meet again.  I know you are ok.  I know you are celebrating life, love and eternal peace!  This makes me happy!  But not having you here with me….well…it just makes this momma’s heart very sad.

I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of Him who sent me.  John 6:38

I know, sweet boy, that while you were here on this earth….you did glorify God with your life.  And I also know that since you’ve been gone…..that short life has touched many…..  I know that the piece of chocolate that you were….is the kind that left a sweet taste in everyone’s hearts that came into contact with you.  A taste that can never be forgotten……never be replaced.  And why would we want to try?  There is only one Caby baby!

My love to you ….. today and always….until we meet again!    ~mommy

It has been a few days!  I am so sorry…I have been a busy bee!  I will share why at another date!

I want to share with you what happened on Friday night.  My daughter is quite the little family girl.  She loves her friends and all…..but she loves some family time.  Well, her brother went home with a friend after school and we got a call late in the evening and allowed him to spend the night.  Sometimes we get the….”that’s not faaaaaaiiiiiiiiir!”   But fortunately, this was not one of those nights!

One of Breanna’s FAVORITE things is to snuggle on the couch and just watch a movie.  All lights must be turned out.  The ottoman has to be in front of the couch…and of course……there MUST be popcorn!  Well…..needless to say…dad and I were both more than a little tired and we were going to be getting a late start to this movie.  She says, “It’s ok, mom and dad, I don’t mind if you fall asleep.  I know how to turn the movie and TV off by myself!  I AM a big girl, you know!!!  I just want us all to be together!”  Well…..I ask…….how can you argue with that logic???  Of course, I couldn’t.  So she was off to pick out a movie.  The movie she chose……Matilda.  VHS….don’t remember where it came from….but that was our movie.

I did make it through without falling asleep.  Then, after the glorious film….(do you sense the sarcasm?) we all went to bed.  Of course….while Bryan was getting ready for bed and I was already in bed…sis came and crawled up beside me.   She grinned and kissed all over my face and said that since bubba was getting to spend the night with his friend…..she wanted to spend the night with me. ….  just us girls! =)  And again….I ask…..how do you say no to that?  So…..Bryan slept in Bryce’s bed and Breanna and I snuggled in.  And I DO mean snuggled!  I hugged her and we whispered and talked.  I loved every moment of it.

But I have to admit my favorite part was when I woke up on Saturday morning.  This old body has set its alarm clock for way earlier than I would like to admit……  anyway…..  I woke up and turned over to this long, lanky girl laying in my bed.  When did this happen?  How is it that she is so long?

My sweet angel baby

This is where my mind took me back to.  This is her on the day my nephew was born.  She was 4 weeks and 1 day old.  We had shared a bed in a hotel for a few hours after he was born.  This is just before I woke her up and had to drive her back to a pediatric cardiologist to make sure that the small hole in her heart had closed properly.  (and it had)  But this is my baby girl.  These are some memories I have of her!

And now…she is growing up.  I lie there just looking at her.  Sad that the time has gone by so quickly but relishing the moment to just look at her and memorize her face.   Sometimes, when I am sad, I am able to look at her….and her brother…and thank God for them.  They are 2 of the largest parts of my silver lining.  I can’t play the what if game……not with my life or theirs.  I have gone there a few times…..”what if they boys were still here…would I have these children?” …… or …..” what if I had stopped after my two miscarriages? I wouldn’t have this baby girl now…..”    It just isn’t ok to go there.  I just try to be thankful for it all.  To be thankful for all my children.  To be thankful for what I’ve had in the past as well as what I have today.  Thankful that for now….my baby girl…still thinks it is “cool” to have a sleepover with her mom!

Don’t give up in the midst of great loss, disappointment, or failure, or you will miss the greatest miracle in your life.  If you praise God through it, you will see the birth of something new and good that would never have happened if this tragic thing had not occurred.

Momma's girl!!!

Be blessed today…..for you are a blessing to someone!  ~c

Have you ever had one of those days….?  One that….is going really well and then something kind of knocks you off-center and you have a hard time getting back to your normal?  Well, I had one of those today.

Today was my day off!  Praise God for days off!!  Anyway…my girlfriend and I hadn’t got to spend a lot of time together lately so we decided to get a pedicure!  We sat and had several laughs and lots of fun!  Then…when we were done we decided to “do lunch”!  Her reasoning was simple…….I should not go to the grocery store hungry!  Of course I agreed….and we were off!

We went to a great new place and sat down.  I had actually had lunch there yesterday….but love it so much I didn’t mind!  I had told the lady that works at the counter that I knew I had recognized her from somewhere….but hadn’t been able to place her.  You know…how you see some one and you KNOW you know them but they don’t say anything and so you just aren’t sure.  Plus…I couldn’t figure out which “compartment” of my life I knew her from!  You know….theres the old high school friends…friends from old job…friends from old church….friends from other life!  Well, you get the picture!

Anyway…..before I spoke at the Rubies and Pearls event….I had gotten into this old trunk I have in my room.  I don’t open it often….and NEVER when my kids are around.  This trunk holds every card…every picture drawn….every everything from when the boys died.  I pulled several out to look at.  I hadn’t been in there for a while…but just needed to get them out!  My girlfriend came over that night.  She had never seen this “trunk” and so I showed her some of the things the sweet kids had written.  Most were pictures and some were serious.  I found one very serious one….it was titled…

A Tribute to Cody Fox

The sun has stopped shining. The wind has stopped blowing.  The birds have stopped singing.  All motion has stopped, even time, for one of my friends, Cody is dead.

Wow…such deep thoughts for a 6th grader.   We both looked at these and then tucked them away to be seen and read another day.

Well……..what does this have to do with my lunch?  Yes….I am getting there.  Yesterday when I walked into this place it hit me.  She was this boy’s mother!  I told her my realization and she just smiled and said she remembered his paper.  But then today…we chatted a little more and there was just more recognition in our conversation.

Well….my girlfriend and I sat down….as I said….and I glanced to my left.  I thought that I recognized the man sitting next to us.  Then I looked at the other man.  He was younger…but a man.  And I realized….it was him.  It was the boy who had written this poem.  It was the boy…..now a man….that I had just told my friend about.  I said to her, “Look over there.  That is the “boy” that wrote the poem I showed you not long ago!”    “NO! Really??”, was her reply.  She kept looking at him.  She asked me if I was going to go over to him or say something and I told her no….not yet.  We continued with lunch..and laughed…but I kept noticing her looking at him…..as was I.  I was stealing glances.  Stealing glances at what could be my now…but can never be.

After I was finished eating his mother came over and asked me if I remembered him and introduced me to him.  I could see it in his face.  He told me he was doing well.  That …. he is married with a daughter and another child on the way.  He asked how I was….how….was I doing.  I told him I had remarried and have two beautiful children now.  He was glad.  His face softened and it was as if he just wanted to hug me and say he was sorry.  It was as if for a brief moment the thirteen and a half years that have passed were not there and we were back in the moments of just losing the boys.  Of him losing his friend.  He kept smiling and nodding his head.  He said he hoped to see me again.  I hope to see him as well.

I left.  Realizing that my world today is so different.  My friend never knew my boys.  Even though we have talked extensively about them…the realization that this man……was my son’s friend…and I could have 3 grown men…as my sons.  AND be a GRAMMA!!!  It is hard to face sometimes.  It kinda took the  breath outta me for a while.  I came home and just sat and cried for a bit.

But then, this life kicked back into gear……grocery store, homework….and another football game!  I am proud to say…… we won!  And the injury is much better….both the physical and the emotional one. 😉

So I was able to find the balance of the here and now.  I was able to glance into what I might be today…but still able to enjoy who I am and what I have now.  Thank you God for both!

Tonight my heart is heavy for 2 families that have lost loved ones in the last few hours.  Please be in prayer for these families.  Pray for peace in this difficult time.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  Again I will say, rejoice!  Let your gentleness be known to all men.  The Lord is at hand.  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God’ and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.   Philippians 4:4-7

Thank you for your encouragement of me…… I hope to share more with you…to open my trunk…..and merge some of my past with my now…  allowing you to see  how God is shaping and molding constantly…………..

1 Thessalonians 5 verse 16 says, “Always be joyful.”

This is what a friend shared today in PAWS to all the kids of the school.  He shared about fruit and that we all produce it.  But this…..”always be joyful” is what stood out in my mind.

It reminded me of this scripture… “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.”

SERIOUSLY!!!????? JOY!!  That is not what I always feel!  I know a lot of times I have a smile on my face and you can hear that smile in my voice…but deep down…joy is not always my first reaction.

Allow me to share what happened last night…….

LOVE this boy!

This is my son Bryce.  He is an awesome 11 year old….wise beyond his years.  Anyway….last night he had a football game.  He was playing great and I was loving it!  I was talking with my mother in law and one of the moms got my attention and pointed to Bryce.  He was on the sidelines crying and was upset.  I watched to see if he was hurt…but could tell by his demeanor with his coach this was not a hurt cry…..this was a mad cry.  And…for those of you that don’t know him….he DOESN’T cry at football.  I watched and the coach kept talking to him and then sending him off and calling him back and talking to him more.  I hadn’t seen the end of the play and no one seemed to know what had happened.  I kept a close eye on him and after a bit…..his coach sent him off the field and told him to ice down because he needed him out there.  I sat by him and we iced his wrist.  I asked him what had happened.  He didn’t want to talk.  I asked him if they had called a penalty on him and he said they hadn’t.  Finally, he said that a player on the other team was making bad hits and hurting them and the refs weren’t calling it.  This upset him.  But I knew there was more.  So I pressed…….what REALLY happened????   He then looked at me and then looked to see if anyone else was watching…..no one….so he gave it up……   He and this kid had collided and then after the play the kid had thrown him down and then hit him after the play was over.  He had put out his hand to block him and his hand went into the other kid’s facemask and had twisted his wrist…..  That was bad enough…but it gets worse.  Bryce looked up and saw that the ref saw what had happened….he kept looking at the ref to make the call…and not only did he not flag the other kid for a late hit….but the ref laughed.  And THAT is the straw that broke the camel’s back for my son.  This was why he was so mad.

Well…he iced down and went and played some more…and he played hard.  We won.  But not without several injuries to our players.  My son noticed that our coaches stood up for our players (thanks to all of you for that btw!) and that they kind of got in trouble for it!

On the way home….we called his dad and were telling the story and he really got upset.  Again, it wasn’t because he was hurt…..it was because someone didn’t do the right thing.  Then…..as I passed by in the hallway after he was brushing his teeth..I saw him with his elbows on the counter and his hands over his face…..crying.  I went in and held him and he said, “Mom…it just still hurts my feelings that ref laughed at me!”  He held me tight and just cried.

I tried to explain to him that not everyone made the right choice all the time and that not everyone played with integrity.  I told him how proud of him I was that he got out there and played the way he did.  He did tell me though that he was in serious pain and that if it still hurt that bad in 2 days he would go to the dr.  But for now…he just couldn’t let his coach down.

So…..joyful…..not really.   Not until the moment that I realized my son had integrity and was noticing that others weren’t making good choices.  But when someone was hurting my baby….no….joy is NOT what I was feeling.

But….thank you Lord for turning my thoughts around.  Thank you Lord for showing my more of my son’s heart.  Thank you for this opportunity to teach him a lesson about life….how it isn’t always fair and it isn’t just kids that mess up!  This morning I thank you that my son’s fruit…..at least during that game….was something I…….and You…could be proud of.

Joyful….yes..to have him as my son.  Joyful….yes…to have the opportunity to teach my child these lessons.  Joyful….yes..but not quite ALWAYS!  I am working on it!!