My Life as a COMMA!

Today is the first day of school for my kiddos!! My heart is bursting because I am so proud of who each of my kids has become….and grown over the summer!

But….I have to be honest…..my heart is also just raw and I can’t stop crying. It hurts still…….even though my older boys would be in their upper 20s by now…..it’s just so unfinished….so unfair…..it just still hurts.

Today is Breanna’s first day of sixth grade!! Here she is….all beautiful, sassy….and ready to tackle whatever God sends her this year.

Yesterday we were blessed with some girl time…just the two of us….shopping, pedicures….and some very sweet conversations. Conversations of what we think God is asking and expecting from each of us in this coming year. My heart is bursting with love and admiration for this sweet young lady. She is kind, loving, fun-loving and so wonderful to be around!! I have such admiration for her because she is so much more than I was at her age….. her relationship with Christ truly guides her heart. She is open to what He is telling her and who she is becoming in and through Him.

Today is Bryce’s first day of high school! HIGH SCHOOL!!!??? When did this happen???? I think it would be so much harder on this mom if he weren’t so stinking excited for new opportunities this year! Here he is from this morning…

I’ve totally enjoyed watching the evolution of my son over the past few months. He has grown…physically, emotionally and spiritually! To say, I’m proud of him, just doesn’t quite give you the whole picture! Physically, he has grown several inches….still growing…and he has lost A LOT of weight! I’m so proud of the hard work he put in to accomplish his goals! Emotionally, I can tell such a difference in him. The sweet heart he has always had, seems to be even more evident in our conversations…as is the maturity he is gaining. Spiritually, he attended three church camps over the summer….and I’ve seen his desire to be an ambassador for Christ in his school and in the locker room increase tremendously! I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of this young man. I am thoroughly enjoying this stage of his life and relishing in the talks we have!

I really thought I was doing good this year. I really thought I’d made it through and wasn’t going to go through some of my usual difficulties at the first of the school year. We got up this morning, made some cinnamon rolls and I took him to drop him off. I was really good through it all. But when he opened the door and got out of the car it hit me…..like a ton of bricks. My eyes started leaking immediately. I didn’t snap a picture of him walking into the school…because a picture just wouldn’t show what my view was. I didn’t just see him walking into that school building today……I saw four boys………I can’t begin to explain it. I saw Bryce……but I could see his brothers too…and I lost it. I totally lost it.

Then I had to drive home and finish getting sis ready. She was dressed and beautiful already when I walked in the door. Before I walked in, I dried my tears so she wouldn’t know…..and greeted her with a smile. I was happy to hear she still wanted my help with her hair. When we got to the school she went straight over to her friends….I was taking pics! 🙂 She did walk with us to her class…..but was horrified when I asked for a pic of her and her teacher….she obliged…but then was ready for us to be gone! It was pretty cute really. I could feel her tugging a bit….yearning for us to let out the parental rope just a little more. My baby is growing up…..and becoming more independent. I walked out the school…….knowing it was the last “first day” of elementary school for me……..

I had appointments and lunch with a friend…but now that I’m home with my thoughts……I have to be honest…..My heart is happy….and hurting….all at the same time.

Today my last child….my baby, started sixth grade and is eleven years old…..and her oldest brother….I can still remember that first day…….when he was starting sixth grade and was eleven………….. That was it. It was his last “first day” ever. Believe me…..I don’t compare my kids now to their brothers…..but my heart aches for the realization of what they missed out on……..for those sweet boys not to get to experience some of the things their brother and sister are getting to experience. It just hurts my heart….even though Cody would be almost 30 years old now……..this beginning of school thing…the ache…the sting….just hasn’t gone away. He is forever in sixth grade and eleven years old to me. And soon….his baby sister will be past that! It’s a very difficult thing,that I believe, only those who have experienced the loss of a child will understand!

And today….my son walked into high school. I have four years to prepare to release him into the world as an adult. I absolutely love him…..love this season…but it too reminds me of the other boys that should have been “Jaguars”! At one appointment I had this morning right after I took the kids to school, one of the ladies there greeted me and asked how my day was……I told her I had taken one of my babies to high school and it was hard!! She said, try having a child that is getting ready to turn 29!! I told her…I know…kinda…my oldest WOULD BE 29!!
But I haven’t gotten to experience his life as those birthdays flew by…………I know she didn’t mean anything by it at all…but it’s my reality. And some days, like today, it’s just a difficult reality that is just really hard to put into words. It’s very hard to paint the picture of just how happy my heart is today….how proud I am of Bryce and Breanna…..but at the same time…..how terribly sad I am and how much my heart aches for Cody, Cory and Caleb.

Thanks for letting me try……

I’ve said it before…and I will say it again…hug your babies. Love on them and enjoy who they are TODAY! Don’t wish they were still young…..don’t wish they’d hurry up and grow up. We aren’t promised tomorrows…….so take a deep breath….and enjoy today. That’s what I’m going to do….

~cheli