My Life as a COMMA!

Here is a picture of my beautiful boys.  I had planned to flood this post with pictures of them…but can’t seem to see past all my tears right now.  14 years ago today.. they were taken from me.  Their earthly lives were cut short…  and today..  I am not the strong woman so many of you think I am.  Today I am a mommy who is just crying out to God..  that even though I know they are with Him….I WANT THEM HERE WITH ME!!!!  I want them to need their mommy still… I wanted to fight with them in high school!!  God….I miss my babies.  Today I am not standing as tall….I am not feeling so strong…i just hurt.  I can’t stop the ache in my heart.  The yearning to be able to hold them again.  The longing to hear their voices just one. more. time……….   To see those beautiful smiles beaming at me.    To feel their touch again.  I miss them more than words can describe.  I hurt more than I could ever explain.  There are days, like today, I just can’t fathom the rest of my life missing them this much.  The pain doesn’t go away.  It is always there.  And there are days…like today…I allow myself to feel them so much more than other days.

If you haven’t been around me for long….you might be getting worried that I am losing it…or falling apart…or losing my faith in the words I have put on here before.  But please know…..  I have a saying.  “It is okay to be down….it just isn’t okay to stay down.”  And that is where I am.  This is a day I allow myself to just cry….to feel how much the hurt is and to feel the pain of loss.  For me, it is a part of my grieving process.  Some anniversaries I don’t do this.  I never know when these days will hit me.  But I do know that if I don’t allow myself to truly feel them…that the consequences are not good.

My God is big enough to hold me His lap and let me cry….and grieve….and cry some more.  He holds me through these days and then gently lifts me to my feet again and nudges me and tells me it is time to go on.  My children were a gift from Him.  To hold a little while…..to love….to teach….  to have…for a short while.

In the 11 years I had Cody……he blessed me more than I can ever tell you about.  He smiled at everyone.  He was strong….and a friend to all….  I miss the man he would be today….but I am proud to have been his mom for that time.  And still proud to be his mom now.

In the 10 years I had Cory….he sang a song in my heart that I will always cherish.  His voice touched so many and he loved life…and I know the man he would’ve been would have made me proud as well.  I am proud to be his mom.

In the 8 years I had Caleb….his view of this world changed my views.  He was serious…but fun.   He was loving…and caring…and always knew how to make you laugh.  Him, as a man, would be someone I know would have made a difference in this world.  So proud to be his mom.

One day….I will scan pictures and tell you stories of my babies.  But not today.  I can hardly see through these tears and need to go sit in my Heavenly father’s lap and be held…………………………

To my babies……..until we meet again….I will cherish the times we had on this earth together.   I will look forward to the times we will have in eternity.   I will continue on the path God has chosen for my life.   I will honor your lives by going on.  All my love…sweet babies… mommy.

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This is so light-hearted today compared to yesterday’s post.  It is such a short and sweet little story..I couldn’t help but share!

Last Wednesday my baby girl had a low-grade fever.  It was my scheduled day off and so I got to stay home with her.  No complaints about that at all!!!  So we had a day of rest and playing.  I thought we were on our way to being mended….but she went to bed Wednesday night with a temp of 99.0 and woke up with a temp of 99.3!  That darned fever just wouldn’t break!  No meds since 8:45 the night before and she slept through the night….but no.  Only problem for mom is that mom….had a speaking event to do during the lunch hour!!  Now, I can call in sick and get someone to cover my job….but really..I can’t get someone to cover at a speaking engagement!  So….dad to the rescue.  Bryan was able to rearrange his schedule to stay home with my princess!  I decided to get her into the Dr. just to make sure it wasn’t anything more serious (because there is a lot of CRUD going around) and had to prepare her that mommy wouldn’t be the one taking her to the Dr. She really didn’t like that idea but seemed to be okay with Dad going.  She developed a cough the night before so I wanted to prepare her for the dreaded swab test.  She said, “NOOOO!  I am NOT doing that!  The last time I did that I like…gagged for 5 seconds!!”  I told her it would be better to gag for 5 seconds than to get worse and go in the hospital and them not know what was wrong with her and the right medicines to give her to make her better! ( I know….not the best mom logic…but it’s all I had!)  So….off they went to see the Dr…and off I went to my speaking engagement. 

Just before my event started I got a text.   “She has strep!!”  GREAT!!!  But….at least we would get meds and she would be on the mend!!! 

So…..later that night…it was just us girls and we were all cuddled up and I was telling her how proud I was of her.  I had heard she was very good at the doctor’s office and was very brave.  With all the confidence in the world she said, “Yeah….the lady that did the test today was WAAAYY better than the last one.  I think I only gagged for like…a couple of seconds instead of 5!”  I laughed!  I told her I was glad she felt that way….

Then…..with all seriousness she looked at me and said….”But mom….I wish dad had held my hand while they were doing the test.”  “Where was dad?”, I asked.  “Well, he was just sitting there reading a magazine.”  As I was soaking it all in and imagining him sitting there trying to get through his baby not liking what was happening by hiding behind some magazine….I realized she was starting to change expressions. I could see some deep thought in her face.  I waited………..and she says…..

“But you know mom…..I guess if I wanted him to hold my hand…I should have just asked him.”   “OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH baby girl,” I said, “Let me just tell you right now that if there is ever any thing you want from a boy or a man…..you HAVE to tell them what it is!”  She just looked at me and smiled.  I told her that boys don’t understand what is going on in our heads and we have to tell them everything!  She told me she didn’t get it.  I said, “Well….they just don’t GET us!”  And with all seriousness…..she looked at me and said…… “But mom….they MARRY us!”  I said, “Yes, they marry us because they love us…..not because they understand us!” 

With that ….. just burst into this laughter….that I will cherish until the day I die!

Laugh with someone today!  It is a blessing to you…and to them!   ~c

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This is going to be a difficult post.  It is a difficult subject.  Please know that I am speaking from my heart…and through my faith.  You are welcome to disagree.  I encourage you to comment….but please be kind.  ~c

There have been so many hurting…so many tragedies around me lately.  I spent a lot of time on my swing outside last night…just laying there listening to the waterfall of my pond and talking with God.  Many tears fell during that conversation…and for some time…I just had to be still…because there were no words.  This morning I awoke to get ready for work….and my mind turned immediately to those who I know are hurting.  I began to pray.  That, for now, is all I can do.

In my bathroom as I was preparing for the day…I looked up and saw a plaque I have that hangs on the wall next to where I get ready every morning.  It says, “I know God won’t give me more than I can handle; I just wish He didn’t trust me so much!”  It is attributed as a quote of Mother Teresa.  I have had that in the same spot for over nine years.  I remember feeling that very feeling.  I had just had my second miscarriage.  You see, between Bryce and Breanna…..I had two miscarriages.  After the second miscarriage and the surgery I underwent…I remember telling Bryan that I couldn’t do this any more.  I couldn’t try for another child.  I couldn’t allow myself the possible hurt of losing another child.  I couldn’t imagine the thought of more pain…I thought….it was more than I could comprehend.  Well, I guess you all know how that turned out…..a while after that…God softened my heart…and with His strength..I tried again.  This time…my beautiful daughter was born.  It was only in His strength that I was able to move past my fear of pain and into the possibility of being hurt again or experiencing joy again.

Never will I leave you or forsake you….. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  from Deuteronomy 31:8

Someone posted this morning on facebook that the saying that is on my plaque isn’t necessarily true…..that God gives us more than we can handle to see if we will trust Him with the parts we can’t handle.  Made me really start thinking.  I remember seeing the plaque in a magazine shortly after my miscarriage and thinking I soooo needed that because that is EXACTLY how I felt.  But I also remember, several years later looking at that plaque and thinking I don’t know if I agree.  You see….there are several places in the bible that tell us to rejoice in our sufferings.  You see…many people seem to think that this life is supposed to be all peaches and cream….easy….and free from burdens.  But that isn’t what scripture says.  Scripture tells me in Romans 5:3 & 4, “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  and in James 1:2 & 3, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  So honestly, how can we NOT expect to have trials and tragedies in our lives?  The question here is….do you try to conquer those trials in your own strength and understanding???? or do you allow God to walk  you through them?  …. searching for the message, or the “silver lining” in whatever situation it may be???

Here are my thoughts…..  I believe that first…..it isn’t always God that gives these trials to us.  I believe that what God did give us is free will.  The will to make our own choices and not be forced to love Him, trust Him and obey Him.  Proverbs 19:3 says, “A person’s own folly leads to their ruin, yet their heart rages against the Lord.”  In other words, we choose our destiny and then get angry at God when it isn’t what we expected.  I know some will argue that we can’t choose everything that happens to us.  I agree.  Look at my story.  I didn’t choose what happened.  Never in a million years would I make that choice.  My entire life is now a consequence of someone else’s actions.  BUT……what we can choose is how we react.  Our reaction to our own or other’s choices is our own.  No one can make it but us.  No one can tell me that I HAVE to stay sad or angry or upset or whatever it may be.  No one can make me choose to go on.  Those are all choices I must make for myself.  No one can make me choose to continue to move forward…to seek God….to allow myself to heal….to look for something positive in every situation.   That is where faith steps in.  I looked at that plaque one day and realized that I should be thankful He gives me so much.  Because to me…that means He has faith in ME….faith that I will walk through each valley with HIM!!

Now….the question of does He give us too much…or even does He allow too much…. 

Never will I leave you or forsake you…… Those are words from God.  He doesn’t lie.  He doesn’t change.  So why would I ever doubt this is true?  Because I am human, that is why.  The question about the tragedy of suicide often comes into play when discussions about this topic arise.  My thoughts are……  No, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle ………. WITHOUT HIM!  That is the part most people don’t get.  Most people don’t do all of their lives with GOD.  Often, we look at situations through our emotions, our own hearts…our past situations and wounds….and we react.  We react in our own weakness.  Not feeling strong enough to go through the difficult valleys. 

You’ve heard people say…”I only took my eyes off the road for a second.”  or “I just looked away for a split second.” and in that split second…anything can happen.  Your car can cross the center line…..another vehicle can hit you….a toddler can fall into a pool….you can make a wrong choice.  Well, to me it is no different in most situations…including suicide.  For even a split second….if we take our eyes off of God…. if we stop seeing things through His eyes and using His strength and only rely on our own…then …that is when we react…we make wrong choices.  Many people say that suicide is selfish.  I have thought that at times myself.  But now…I see it through God’s eyes.  I see that a person cannot see how…in their own strength…they can ever move past the situation they are in.  The act of suicide in this instance, to me, is not selfishness….it is sheer desperation.  It is the feeling of hopelessness….that they can’t see past.  It is that split second…that they have taken their eyes off of HIM….who can save them….and only been able to see hopelessness…..in their own strength.  You can’t blame someone for being human…for not feeling strong enough.  Never should we judge someone else’s fear or doubt….because it happens to all of us.

So…I believe that God doesn’t EVER give us more than we can handle.  He doesn’t mess up.  We do though.  But the cool thing is His word tells us that He can take all of our mess ups and turn them for good!  I choose to share what happened to me now….not to boast in my own strength…but to show others that with HIS strength.  THAT…is hope.  THAT is Him turning something so tragic…into good.  Me, choosing to get up….everyday and do life over again…to remarry…to have more kids…..to just go forward…..somehow offers hope to others.  But it wasn’t me.  It was Him.  All that I did….was make the choice…..the choice to trust Him.  To trust that He would use it for good.  To hope that one day I would experience joy and blessings again.  And look at all I would have missed out on had I chosen to take my eyes off of Him…and try to do it in my own strength!

If your life seems difficult…lean into His strength.  If you don’t know how…ask someone for help.  Every situation…and I mean EVERY situation … is like a double-edged sword.  YOU CHOOSE which side of the sword you will fall on. 

I choose to trust Him.  To know that this world is temporary.  To understand that my eternity will have no more pain, no more sorrow, no more death, no more tragedy.  I look forward to those days…..and that….helps me make the choices I make today.

Be blessed today.  Feel blessed always.  Every day is a new day….new possibilities await you…..and everything in the past is in the past.  Keep moving forward.  You never know who you might help…just by getting up..out of bed …. and moving forward!

Much love ~c

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