My Life as a COMMA!

Have you ever had a heart that was overflowing with happiness and joy and yet, at the same time, be filled with sadness?  That was my yesterday.

The sadness…….because yesterday marked the 13th year since my mother passed from this life to her eternal reward.  It was a difficult day.  Allow me to share some memories with you…

My mother had been sick for quite some time.  She was diagnosed with a metastatic breast cancer in her liver in February of 96.  She was only given about 6 months to live.  She fought hard.  She battled and decided to live the rest of her life with every ounce of vigor she could muster.  She continued to work through her treatments.  She continued to support and love me through my tough times (I was going through my divorce during her illness and then the boy’s death was in February of 97.).  She lived a lot of life in the 1 year and 9 months after her diagnosis.  If you have heard me speak….I usually say that we lived every holiday…weekend…day….of the year from February of 96 through February of 97 as if it was going to be mom’s last……when….in all actuality…it was my boy’s last.  You just never know.  We are not promised tomorrow at any age.

My mother believed in angels.  She read about them and talked about them a lot.  Well……as she neared her last days, we all gathered together.  My dad, grandma, sister and her fiance, Matt, myself and Bryan (my then fiance) all stayed at my parents house. On Friday night we all let mom and dad rest and we (Matt, Heather, Bryan and myself) played some games and stayed up late talking in the living room.  We all slept on the couches.  But on Saturday…so much happened.  Mom was in so much pain.  I remember calling her hospice nurse to see if there was anything else I could do because she was in so much pain.  The nurse told me that she shouldn’t be.  I told her mom had taken me by the arm and said, “You just don’t understand how bad it hurts!”.  It broke my heart!!  Anyway, again the 4 of us stayed in the living room Saturday night.  We were all tired.  It had been an emotional day.  We knew.  We all knew the end was near.  It wasn’t anything we were ready for.  So we all slept.

Well, about 1:30 a.m. the phone rang.  I was next to it and answered.  I honestly don’t remember if it was a man or a woman’s voice…..or even who they asked for.  All I know is that it was a wrong number….and I believe it was an angel.  And here is why.  ….

My father came in and asked me to come check on mom with him after he came out to ask who had been on the phone.  When I went into her room….her breathing was very labored.  I knew that this was a sign that we were within 24 hours of her death.  I told dad to do something…maybe go wake up my grandmother….but he left me in the room with mom….  and I prayed.  I remembered my grandmother breathing just like mom was breathing the day that she died.  I remember that it was almost 20+ hours before gramma actually died after I saw her like that and I told God I just couldn’t do it…..  I DID NOT have the strength to sit there and watch mom labor to breathe much longer.  I had tried…so hard…to be strong.  But the wound of just losing my boys 9 months before was still fresh and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to endure much more.  So I sat there….and prayed.  I remember holding mom’s hand….stroking her hair and talking to her.  I remember thinking how much I loved her but didn’t want her to keep hurting.  I remember her waking up…something the nurses said she couldn’t do….turning her head to look at me…and me telling her it was ok…ok to let go….ok to stop fighting.  I told her we all loved her and were so proud of how she fought…but that she didn’t have to fight any more.  Then….she closed her eyes again.  Every one in the house was in the room.  We were all there…..all around her when at 2:36 a.m. she took her last breath.  And I know….if it weren’t for the angel that dialed the phone….we all would have just woken up to her being gone.  I don’t know how I would have handled that but I am thankful I was there….that we all were there to support her, to love her…and to support and love one another.

Yes, my heart is filled with sadness….  Losing my mom has been difficult.  I still remember…after Bryan and I were married and had gotten a new bed….I ran to the living room, picked up the phone….and dialed the number to call and have my mom come look!  But I remembered….mom wasn’t here!  The pain never goes away.

Now for the joy….the overflowing happiness.  This month is National orphan’s month and through our church we have “adopted” 2 children in our system for Christmas.  We also have pictures at church of different children in our system that need a “forever home”.  I chose a 16 year old, Desirea, to pray for.  Bryce chose a 12 year old, Elmer, to pray for.  And Breanna, she chose a young boy named Trevor to pray for.  So every day…meal time…bed time…awake time…any time…we are praying specifically for these kids.

Well, last night Breanna was praying at bed time.  She was praying so fervently that God would bless Trevor with a home and a family that loved him.  She started praying that God would give Trevor what she already had…a family.  She thanked God for what He had given her and then she broke down. And my friends, she broke hard.  This lasted for quite some time.  When she was able to stop crying….she asked me this.  “Why did God choose to give me a family but He didn’t give one to Trevor?”  Again, tears…….  I told her God loves both her and Trevor the same.  But some parents make bad choices or some things happen.  It doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us.  She said….”then why did he make Trevor an orphan?”  I don’t know how to answer all these questions.  I know this seems like it would give me a sad heart…but the truth is…I am so proud of her heart!  I am so proud…because at her age, I don’t think I realized or cared about orphans or others the way that she does.  This literally took about an hour to get her calmed down.  And then this morning as I dropped her at school she told me, “Mom, I am still praying for Trevor. …. But today I am going to try not to be so sad.”.  Just joy.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1:27

After my mother died….I had my family…my dad and my sister….and so many others that helped me through.  At times, I felt like I had been orphaned. But I knew better.  My feelings were never that for very long because the love of others was always there for me to show me how much I was loved.

My prayer is that Trevor, Elmer and Desirea have that as well.  Although they may be orphans….that the love of others will carry them through.  And the prayers of others will some how change their lives.

I pray the same for you…that you will know that you have touched someone else’s life.  That you are loved….more than you can imagine.  If you feel alone….know that God almighty, maker of the heavens and earth….is there for you.  He is your Father and loves you more than you can imagine.    Thank you, Father….for loving me.  Thank you for allowing me to have so many in my family that I love so very much!

I love you mom!  And I love you boys!  I am gonna hang out here loving on the family and friends I have for a while longer……..until we meet again! ~c

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Today has been an interesting day.  Today is the first day after we set our clocks back!  An extra hour of sleep!  HOW GLORIOUS! 

But today is filled with a huge memory….one I can never erase…or would ever want to.

You see…..the last time we set our clocks back and my boys were still here on this earth with me…the funniest thing happened.  My now, best friend Jennifer was staying with me and sleeping on the couch.  She said that my sweet Caleb was the first one up that morning.  He walked into the entry way of our house.  Caby didn’t know that she was awake and watching him.  He proceeded to do his morning exercises and stretches.  I think it was the swish of his pants that alerted Jen to his arrival (Hey…it was in the 90s and wind pants were in!)  And then, she tells me, that after he was finished with his exercises……he looked out the little window by the front door.  It was then that he said, “Spring forward, faaaaaaallllllllll back!”.  And with the fall back……he did just that!  He fell backwards onto the floor!  I can still imagine him doing it.  Even though I was not the one who saw it…I can see it in my mind. 

Not one year has gone by that when we set our clocks back I think of him doing that!  Falling back…..literally onto the floor.  How sweet and how innocent.  How literal children are. 

This is where the confessions come in.  I have a story to share about Breanna. 

The other night after work I met my family for dinner.  We enjoyed a nice evening out.  My parents had brought my husband and kids and I met them at the restaurant.  After dinner, my family rode home with me.  My son was having some very engaging conversation on the way home.  ( I will share this at another time…..cuss words and 11 year olds!!  JEESH!)  So during this conversation…it didn’t seem very odd to me that my sweet, little girl was very quiet.  I did hear her make a few noises…like the nose sound…you know…the one when you are stopped up and don’t blow your nose…??  That is it…and she has some allergies so I didn’t think much of it.  Well, on this twenty minute drive home…I hadn’t given much thought to her being so quiet until we walked in and my son asked, “Sissy, are you ok?”.  It was then that I noticed her and she seemed to have been, maybe crying.  I asked her if she had been crying or if she was just kind of stopped up.  To my amazement…she had been crying.  I tried to recall our conversation and if there was any part of it that would have made her so upset…..and couldn’t remember anything.  So I asked her to sit with me and explain why she had been crying.  This is what she told me……..

“Well…mom….you see….I was praying to God.. and in my prayer I decided to ask God if He loved me, really loved me….for Him to show me His light.”  She paused….and I waited.  “And then when you turned the corner…I looked up and I saw four stars.”  At this point she burst into tears and she just held me.  When she calmed down she continued.  “When I saw those stars…it reminded me of my brothers, Cody, Cory and Caleb.  And mommy, I knew that the fourth star was God.  After you drove for a bit….I couldn’t see the three stars any more, but the one star I could see the whole way home.”  By now, I was in tears as well.  I asked her, “Well, baby girl, how do you feel about that?”.  She told me that at first it made her sad but that now it was making her happy.  She said that she knew that God had answered her prayer.  I said, “Well, you do know that God loves you?”.   To which she replied, “I know that mom!”. (she could’ve just said DUH! the way she said it!)  It was a sad/happy and absolutely beautiful moment.  I am so proud of her. 

Then this morning, I was trying to get her ready for church.  We slept in and were taking it kinda easy and she had a lot to do still.  She jumped in the shower and I knew she needed to get out.  She kept stalling…and kept stalling.  Finally, mom had had enough!  Time to get out!  I made her get out and get busy.  She stood there…in her towel with tears coming down her face. When I told her we needed to get busy so we could make it to church and she needed to stop playing so that we could get ready……….she put me in my place.

“Mommy, I was just trying to pray.  I wasn’t playing.  Remember when we used to take showers together and we would sit in there for a long time and just pray and talk?  Well, that is when I like to talk to God…in the shower.  And that is all I was trying to do was pray!”  More tears.  I had to stop myself.  In my rush…..I had forced her to stop doing the very thing I want her to do more than anything……..pray.  In my going on about “normal” business…..I had missed the moment when she was testing God and He was showing off to her! 

My confession is this……..  It seems as if what I am trying to teach my daughter…to have a personal relationship with God….not just “go to church” or “be a part of religeon”. I want her to know Him as Father, Counselor, Friend, Healer, Savior, Lord and every single part of Him there is.  But….I am so busy living the life of this world…#1….I am not always modeling that in my own life.  #2…. I am missing her doing just that!   #3…..I am telling her to do one thing and then when she is doing what I ask…I get onto her because the world says………we have to do things differently. 

I want to find the balance.  I want to teach my children how to have it…I want it…and I want to figure out how to live in this world while we have it.  My eternal life can begin now.  It is not just after I die…..it is here on this earth.  He wants so much for me!  My God wants so much for all of us!  We can have it!  There is a balance.  And believe it or not…..we are the ones that have to find it. There is no miracle math…no miracle formula to say if you do this much God will do that much and you will always be happy!  Nope…life doesn’t work that way. 

My plaque on my desk says this……..

DEAR GOD,        Help me remember there is nothing today YOU can’t handle, and there is NOTHING today I can handle without YOU.

If there is any magic formula….this has to be it.  Don’t do it on your own.  I have tried…….and failed miserably.  I keep trying….I am kind of a control freak. But the times I give it over to Him………it just goes much smoother. 

My prayer is this…….I always walk with Him……and that my children learn to do the same.  I guess my baby girl is teaching mommy this week!  Much love! ~c

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That's my football player!!!

Here is my sweet boy, Bryce in all his football gear!  What a boy!  Well….this past Saturday was his last season game.  His team was 8-0 going into this game!  The boys were pumped up!  They had practiced four nights the week before and had practiced for over an hour before the game started.  Then……it started.  The other team got the ball and on their first drive they scored a touchdown!!! =(

And then…within a few minutes…..they scored another touchdown!  Our boys seemed defeated.  Now yes…the other team was a MUCH bigger team…some of those boys were bigger than our boy’s dads!!!  But our boys mustered their courage and their strength and they played with all their might.  But in the end…..they lost 32-0.  It was a hard fought loss….but a loss just the same.  The boys gathered round to listen to their coach…and PRAISE GOD for a coach that told them to hold their heads up high.  Praise Him that our coach told them as long as they went out there on that field and played for the parents and grandparents who took them to every practice and to know they did their best……!  Then as they were told to break it down…(football talk for the little chant they do in their huddle!)…the boys pointed to another boy to do it who was visibly upset!  Then…my sweet boy went over and got a hug from his PaPa.  Then, when he saw me….he came at me and head butted my chest and just started crying.  I held him and he held me…tightly!  I looked and several of the boys were crying.  Not because they are wimps and couldn’t handle it…but because losing hurts.  This was a loss to them.  A big one!  This also was the end of the season.  Their last game together of this year.

Then, last night my son got to go to the freshman football game.  Our high school team was in the state championship!  My best friend’s son plays for the team and these boys have been together for quite a while.  They are winners..  They play hard and they play to win.  But it didn’t happen last night.  Last night they lost.  They fought hard and only lost 25-18…..but it was still a loss.  And my friend told me that after the game the boys were all coming up to her and the other parents and hugging them and crying!  Sounded all too familiar.  But again, it is not because they were wimps and couldn’t handle to lose.  It is because it is a loss.  It is something we had hoped for and not been able to achieve.  But thankfully, the varsity coach was there to tell them that although this season was over…..he was sooooo excited to have this team move up and to work with them next season!

Did you catch that….??   next season…… so…even though there was a loss….even though this season is over…..there will be a next season!!!

It is kind of like that in life.  It reminds me of these verses….

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

This sums it all up.  There are times for everything.  I think that looking forward to something so much and then not achieving it……like a win of a big game……is perfectly ok.  But remember… there will be another season.

Maybe it isn’t football for you….maybe it is a relationship that has become toxic….or just drifted apart.  It doesn’t mean that it didn’t mean a lot to you at the time…it just means that maybe there is something else out there now and the other person is going a different way too.  Nobody has to be right….or wrong.  Just different seasons of each of your lives.

Maybe you have become comfortable in a job, your marriage….or whatever…..but know that you should move forward instead of standing still.  Take action…..learn that the next season might be EVEN BETTER than the one you are in right now!  Know that if you take that next step toward a dream of a better life…better marriage….better relationship….better you…yes...you might end up hurt.  AND…you might even fail….so go ahead and cry….weep for a while.  But get up…dust yourself off…and start all over again!!  For another season….another time is waiting for you….but you cannot achieve it if you don’t try.

Now….our team does get to go to the playoffs…and play again.  We will see what happens.  But no matter what I am proud of those boys.  They achieved a lot this season.  A lot they can build upon for NEXT season!

I love you, Bryce!  I will always cheer you on…..and hold you when you cry! ~mom

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