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Posts Tagged ‘hard’

Ramblings…Feelings….Grief….REAL…

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on May 7, 2023| 3 Comments »

Let’s just begin by saying I’ve been “in my head” almost this whole damn day. I knew it was coming….I thought I was prepared. But…it ended up being a double whammy.

Let me explain……

I’ve already made a social media post about it being National Bereaved Mother’s Day. How odd….really. We get our OWN Day. Not Mother’s Day – even though we ARE STILL MOTHERS! But a whole day. Before Mother’s Day. Like every.other.day of the year is any different. Like we don’t realize we are walking around without our child(ren) here with us. Or that we don’t realize Mother’s Day is coming ….. and again…it’s gonna hurt like hell.

NO – this is actually for a different reason.

Allow me to invite you into some parts of my brain. The crazy inside my head.

You see…today is the 59th birthday of someone who I once loved. Of someone……who is the reason I “celebrate” on days like today.

What an oxymoron. What a double edged sword. What a place where my two worlds collide. You see – as hard as Mother’s Day is for me….there are times….that Father’s Day is even worse. This…because….I chose who was to be their father. I chose the person who would take their young lives. And for this – I’ve owned way more than I should…at times.

But – it started with love. Love of a smile and personality. Young love. Some might say stupid, blind love. Some even say I should wish he were never born!! But how??? Because then…I would have never had my 3 boys! Cody, Cory and Caleb are here…because he was here first. I couldn’t imagine life without them…therefore…I also…cannot…imagine life without him. Without the love we had…at first.

I also own – my part in the deterioration of our marriage. Neither of us were perfect. Although – that is what most saw. The perception – because of the portrayal – was almost perfection. When we split – it was difficult. It was…unheard of. There were only a small number who knew my why. And I chose – to not share with the world. Believe it or not…..I wasn’t out there saying he was bad. We just didn’t fit…any more. Probably – we never did. But God was going to use us – even if – even if we weren’t meant to be together. Our lives were intertwined when I got pregnant with Cody at 16. From there….as I told my Sunday School girls so many times – God rewrote HIS plans…from plan A – to possibly ZZZ by then! He is good like that….and keeps on rewriting…and using my mess ups…for His good.

No – I am struggling today. I chose him. I chose the one. The one…who took them from me. I will own many things – but I will no longer own his final actions. Those – are on him. But I do struggle with the fact I chose him.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know. So many times – now – I want all the answers laid out in front of me before I will leap. But, my friends, that is not how life…or God…work. My faith…has been tested….and strengthened….over and over again.

My choices – led to even more heart-wrenching realizations through the years. From hearing about a pastor I finally – once opened up to – saying “I guess Cheli wasn’t lying all this time after all.” While standing in my parent’s kitchen on THE DAY the boys died!!! To now – still hearing about some thinking how I “Use my boys story for the attention”. Guys – it hurts. It all hurts.

I hurt today for the love lost….the family lost. His family…was mine…..until it wasn’t. I still remember all the birthdates….the memories are still there. I know it will never be the same. But today – I acknowledging….it hurts. It has hurt for a very long time.

I’m not a perfect person. Nobody is. But I’m pretty real. I’ve withdrawn…over and over…just trying to protect my heart. I’ve withdrawn to protect my children, my husband, my family. But sometimes…I just want to be real. It hurts. It stinks. I’ve lost more than just my boys. I lost my house…my safe spaces. I lost friends…and I’ve lost (and grieved) a whole lifetime of memories with people I considered my family.

I sit here – thinking again just how fragile life is. I have a wonderful family…wonderful friends….wonderful life. But – there is sometimes a draw to sit…be real with myself…and know this life never would have existed…..had I not chosen him. Had I not experienced loss…profound loss. I would not be who I am today…without all of it. Every.single.puzzle.piece. Every bit of it is necessary to make me…..me.

and I’m learning to like me. I like the mom of adult children. I like the friend of real people….who accept me as my crazy, freaking-real and always back-and-forth self. I like the life I’ve created with my family. I like the way I live on purpose. I like….no…I love my life. ALL OF IT.

Has it been easy? No. Would I do it again? I’d have to. It’s the only way possible to get to the me I am today. It’s the only way possible to spend time on this earth with all five of my kiddos. It’s the only way to experience them here so I can look forward to eternity with them there.

So – some day – most always – you will see me – and never know some of this…underneath it all…thought process…going on in my head. But today – I wanted to share. I hope you aren’t scared off. I hope you’re not…thinking she should be committed (although there are days……;))

All of this to say. Be yourself. Inside and out. Be real with who you are. Struggles and all. I struggle because I chose him. I struggle because his birthday is hard. I struggle because I miss some of the good times. I struggle because it’s hard to explain. I struggle because I am afraid having these feelings will hurt others I love today. I struggle because I’m always afraid I will never be enough. I struggle because I want to help more than I can. I struggle because I own more than I should. I struggle because I take too much on. I struggle because I love big…but then sometimes I don’t love big enough. I struggle because I don’t like to get it wrong.

But…

I also struggle because I’m so happy now…how can I be sad? I struggle now because I feel so loved and I sometimes don’t always know how to love the right way back. I struggle because life has been so good to me…yet I see others feel like it hasn’t been so good to them. I struggle now because my life seems easy to so many…am I hurting their faith by being too real?

See…depends on which side of the sword you fall. You choose. Remember that. Remember you choose where you land. I allow myself to see my struggles, my pain and my hardships….but I try…to always choose…to land in the land of love…abundance…and faith. God has carried my through so much. He has always had my back. He has stood in the room….with my boys….and carried them home with Him. He has watched me cry and always sent me some kind of sign of love…at JUST THE RIGHT TIME! He as shown my how by sharing…others have come to have hope…and to love Him. I’ve NEVER…been alone.

And…neither are you. Today is somebody’s birthday I once loved. today is a day for Mother’s who’s children no longer are here with them. Today is a day for feelings to be real. Today. Is just another day. and…tomorrow will still come. Which “head-space” will you be in when you wake up? Who will you choose to be today? Tomorrow? I choose to be the one who still loves….who still is real…and feels…ALL THE THINGS!

If you’ve made it this far…thank you. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense….or if I’ve just rambled. Just know…you are loved…and you aren’t alone.

Much love – today and always – ~C

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Another Anniversary & Feeling ALL THE FEELS

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , on February 22, 2023| 2 Comments »

I’m sitting in a space of feelings this morning. I’m teetering on what I call the juxtaposition of grief and joy. I’m beyond thankful for the kindness and love shown to me and my family today….and yet wishing so much there weren’t a need for it!

Being honest with my feelings is something I try hard to do. And I share…because I’ve come to realize how it has helped others….but mostly as a keepsake for my kiddos! I started this blog kind of as a way to share with them my feelings…my highs and lows…my ups and downs…. I haven’t come here often recently – but today – I wanted to share.

You see…I’ve had all the feels lately. It started a week ago. It always does – I walk through the last week the boys and I had. I remember where we ate – specific conversations – so many things. But this year has been a bit different. It has worn on me…more than usual. I’ve tried to figure out why. I realized it’s because I used to be in a space at work – alone – to deal with it – This year, I’ve been in an office setting and around others a lot more. I’ve “put on my face” more than usual…and tbh…it’s been exhausting. Not bad…just exhausting.

I couldn’t sleep – and I came into the living room to a balloon bouquet. 3 blue Mylar balloons and a large silver c3! just like the ones from the 20 year anniversary balloon release. I checked my ring door camera – and it was one of my bffs. I’m not surprised. I just sat here…in the dark…listening to the rain…and seeing the balloons. It made me feel sad. It made me feel loved. It made me angry there was a reason for balloons like this. It made me think of so many years spent without my children. Tears gently filled my eyes, rolled down my cheek and then my neck. My heart hurts and feels loved, all at the same time.

My c3angels. Cody, Cory & Caleb

Where would they be? Who would they be? So many things going through my mind.

I’m a numbers girl. 26 years without them here. They were 11, 10 and 8 then. They should be 37, 36 and 34 now. 2-22….such a difficult day in my family’s life now. 9,490 days I’ve lived without them. Countless though….are the numbers of people their story has touched….helped….and even saved. I have to include this – not because of anything I’ve done right…but because realizing it – helps me keep going.

Then there is a feeling of guilt. Now…I know and I’ve come to the resolution of knowing I couldn’t have saved them. Maybe that day – but I can’t what if my life like that. My guilt – is more about their brother and sister. They have a more complicated grief. They have grief for someone they never met. Brothers….they didn’t get to meet. They have to watch me go through it but not know more than the stories we’ve shared. They love brothers they never met. They truly love them…and grieve for them…and I don’t really know how to help. I hate that part for them. It feels selfish. I wanted more kiddos but almost didn’t do it…just knowing they would have to deal with this…for the rest of their lives too. Now, watching their grief and sadness…hurts my heart. If you think of them…please say some extra prayers for their hearts today too.

20 year balloon release – family & friends

And the feelings of loss….of 26 years of being their mom…stolen from me. It’s so hard to put into words. Of course I get angry when I think about it in that way. Yes, I’m thankful for the years we had. But as a mom – you want to see them grow up – go to school – have all the experiences. I’ve missed all of that. I miss their smiles. I miss their perspectives. I miss their big hugs and love….more than I can even say. I miss the way they loved others too. I miss everything. I miss Cody’s protective nature of me…I miss Cory’s enthusiasm and songs….I miss Caleb’s orneriness….I miss it all. I strain, sometimes, to remember little details. There are no facebook memories in real time. We didn’t have phone cameras to save pics constantly. I don’t have all of that. Sometimes that is okay – sometimes it just isn’t.

And sometimes – I just miss what the world missed out on. I miss who they could have been and the impact they could have made. Their contribution to the world as teens, as men. I do realize they have had a huge contribution though…they have made differences in the story of their short lives. But tbh – I wish it weren’t that way. I wish they could have decided how they wanted to impact the world. I wish that hadn’t been taken away from them.

I’m thankful for friends and family who share today with me. I’m thankful for the strength it has shown us we have. Do I wish that weren’t the case? Yes…yes I do. But I acknowledge it is true. I’m thankful for my sister – who was with me that day – and now hardly a day goes by we don’t talk. Our bond was always strong – but it’s different when you go through this kind of thing together. Her strength has been mine, and mine hers….for so long now. We are intertwined in ways that is more than just being sisters. It is sisters…who’ve gone through hell together…and will hold each other up…in and through anything. I’m thankful for my family – my husband who allows me to be me…to feel how I feel and puts up with the swing of emotions. He feels it with me…he knows…he knew them too. He loved them too. My kids – who through their own grief….always want to make sure I’m okay. They love me through and have been my “why” for a long time now. I’m thankful for friends…who check on me, let me cry….be real…and lift me up no matter what.

I know I have so much to be thankful for….today and always. Today, is just hard. My arms are empty…but my heart is full. My heart hurts and feels loved all at the same time. The juxtaposition of grief and joy is a real thing. It’s that double-edged sword. It’s where my two worlds collide. Today – they just collide like a 9.9 magnitude earthquake.

The smiles I miss – the hugs I miss – the reunion I look forward to!

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